To cull bday presents/ Xmas presents for nieces

[Kat19852222]

I have a brother who is older who I rarely see we both work complete opposite schedules so rarely see each other I have tried to make an effort to see my 2 nieces (4 and 7) but it’s never reciprocated he never replies to messages or answers his phone, last saw him xmas last year and his wife (my SIL) is not the easiest person to get on with. The reason I am posting is that I’m wanted to stop giving gifts for bdays and Xmas as we have to buy for 2 and we only have 1 child (9 year old male). I always ask what the girls want but get the same answer ‘just money’ when my son was younger we were grateful for whatever they gave and never asked for anything specific. I have bought the youngest expensive dolls like Annabell and my generation and the oldest Lego friends sets, always get the same sarcastic comments after like oh yeah they liked them for 5 minutes, never get a thank you or nothing. Last Christmas my son got a cheap slime set what was on offer in Aldi and a colouring set?! ( he was 8 at the time and hasn’t been into colouring for years) I still thanked her for them but never get thanks back. His bday is in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to tell her to just not bother and I’ll do the same, fed up of making an effort choosing nice gifts and it never being appreciated, thoughts?

like I said above we’re grateful for whatever he gets tbh I don’t expect anything tbh. I don’t begrudge giving money but don’t like being told to give it, iv never once asked for money for my son who’s significantly older,

Im in the same situation, my DB is useless. He has 3 children i have 2, he never bothers being in touch, never makes any effort and ive stopped giving a damn. I stopped the gifts, I dont see my nieces/nephew because my DB can't be assed. I have no relationship with them. Its sad but I dont have the energy anymore to be upset about it.

This happened with me too. I ended up just sending cards. They ended the crap pressies on their side too. It was great not having to reciprocate anymore.

im feeling exactly the same with my niece and her kids, never a thank you, so this year will be the last ever year for birthday and christmas gifts

I have 3 nephews and 1 dd and never did the "well we've got less than them thing" But then I always got a thank you for presents and dsis and I mutually discussed what they might all like, If they are ungrateful then I would stop bothering. My nephews are older and I stopped entirely when they all turned 18.

Bin it off.
I slowly just stopped buying gifts for all relatives.
One less thing to live in my head.

I think the children miss out with their parents being so crap.I think as above PP said £10.00 each in a card is fine ,maybe some stickers to go with it or sweets .They dont seem bothered very much .But at least the kids dont go without

Just don't give them anything.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with sending cash to be honest. It’s better than a gift that won’t be appreciated. Nothing wrong with teaching kids how to save. I’d just do that. At Christmas you could just do a family gift? Like a big tin of chocolates, a bottle of inexpensive wine and a four pack of beers.

I really disagree with this. It's not the child's fault they have siblings. I had 3 kids, my brother had 1. My sister in law took it upon herself to decide we should spend the sane amount on her one child as they did on our 3. Eg we should spend £30 and she would spend £10 on each of mine. Surely what's fair for the kids is more important than what's fair for the adults? Sp if you're being 'fair' all the kids would get a similar amount.

Having said that I don't think anyone should be dictating how much anyone else should spend on presents. Spend what you can afford and be as fair as you can so that each child feels special. Small kids have no idea of money anyway and are just as likely to love a cheap toy or even a second hand one as a brand new and expensive one. We stopped buying gifts when the kids got to teenage and nobody misses it.

To add, I felt a tiny bit guilty not sending my nephew anything for his 18th. But he had never once said thank you for any present over the years so I didn't feel very guilty.

Why should I give them money? When my son just gets the cheap shit from Aldi toy aisle , I’d happily give money to save out on walking smyths toys for an hour but when I know it’s not going to be reciprocated I’m not doing it

It’s not about them having 2 kids it’s the fact I buy expensive stuff and my son gets cheap crap in return. They earn a lot more than us (over 100k between them) so need to be more generous I think.

By the children? Are you there when they open them?

And you are saying you might stop because you only have 1 kid they have 2, your gifts to them are nicer etc. Hardly altruistic.

Sounds a bit tricky.

you said you appreciate what ever you get but you’ve called the slime cheap shit. For what it’s worth my similar age child as yours loves slime and colouring.

they've assumed yours likes slime; you’ve assumed theirs like expensive dolls and Lego.

neither of you see each other much so neither of you know what they want.

they asked for money. You sent gifts.

you don’t want to send money. So you’re right - just give up!

they do sound very rude - but you sound a little pretentious to be honest. Maybe they sense that?

my family do give money if requested and it’s nothing to do with age. Mine like to save for things and love to have some freedom in the shops. Same with a gift voucher.

edited for typos. Prob missed some others!

Why?

OP, just stop. It take 2 to make a relationship worthwhile.

My mum normally drops them off I was fed up of going every bday or Xmas eve making an effort after working a 12 hour shift (I’m an nhs worker) dropping presents off when my SIL never came round and did the same it was always given to my mum to give to my son me and my partner work all the bank whereas they both have them all off. The comments came afterwards in texts from my SIL saying that they didn’t like the stuff what we’d got?!

We stopped bothering. We never see them anyway so it was daft (& expensive) buying birthday presents for so many nieces and nephews. It would be nice to see them more but theyre not really interested. And it's impossible to get good gifts when we've no idea what they like and they get so much anyway.

We send a text on birthdays (although they don't always for our kids)

I’d just keep sending money. It’s not the girls fault their parents are rude and obnoxious.

I empathise. Have had similar in my family.2 options / clear cut: Fight fire with fire - stop sending full stop OR stop making any kind of effort (thoughtless tat) OR don't 'you do you' as they say and sleep well on the basis of sending thoughtful, age appropriate gifts. Either way - make the decision and do not think of it again. They sound an utter delight btw.

They are VERY rude and entitled people ! Who sends a text saying they didn’t like the presents their sibling in law went out and spent their hard earned money on and their time going out and buying? ESPECIALLY when they spent all of £5 on the shit from Aldi for their nephew??

i had the same time and it took me years to stop and I spent a small fortune on my husbands siblings and their kids and they couldn’t even say thank you let alone reciprocate for my kids! So I stopped and omg the stropping from the in-laws and even the mother in law!! !! When I pointed out they had never even sent my kids a birthday card in all the years I’d been sending their kids cards and presents so had decided that i was going to spend my hard earned money on my kids instead. Wish I’d done it years ago!

My mum passed away when my nieces were newborn and 3, I did everything to try and make them not miss out on that sort of family member on our side, went to school shows and sports day, took them on holiday out to eat, trips out, bought them big gifts on birthdays and Christmas such as bikes and things. I was 20s and working in bars, then a call centre so definitely not flush. Anyway a few years to having kids myself.......sister bought cheap b&m tat and Amazon stuff. Fine because I didn't buy to get. Fast forward to the past couple of years and she literally bought them stuff from shein that comes in clear bags with no instructions and has now stopped buying them altogether after an argument between us! They are under 10 years old. The girls are now in their 20s and have never bought myself or my kids so much as a card.
I would wholeheartedly say mention to your brother you don't want to buy each other anymore,or even just put a fiver/tenner in a card and don't ask what they want, people take advantage without even realising sometimes and others just do not care.
I have now learnt to stop expecting myself out of others. It's much easier that way. Good luck anyway!

You're on a hiding to nothing by the sounds of it.

When I was a child my dad and his siblings agreed no more presents for niece/nephews. I was just told by my dad “we’ve agreed not to do them anymore”. It didn't bother me at all. It’s really no big deal.

I wouldn’t say anything. If they don’t get in touch to ask what yours want - then you’ve no obligation to theirs.

If they ask - you were busy etc. if they don’t, just leave it and let it continue.

Yeah they are clearly keeping any money
that gets sent for themselves! No 4 yo wants money rather than a gift.

I would just say - I think this is getting silly now, let’s stop giving presents and just buy for our own kids.