To cull bday presents/ Xmas presents for nieces

[Kat19852222]

I have a brother who is older who I rarely see we both work complete opposite schedules so rarely see each other I have tried to make an effort to see my 2 nieces (4 and 7) but it’s never reciprocated he never replies to messages or answers his phone, last saw him xmas last year and his wife (my SIL) is not the easiest person to get on with. The reason I am posting is that I’m wanted to stop giving gifts for bdays and Xmas as we have to buy for 2 and we only have 1 child (9 year old male). I always ask what the girls want but get the same answer ‘just money’ when my son was younger we were grateful for whatever they gave and never asked for anything specific. I have bought the youngest expensive dolls like Annabell and my generation and the oldest Lego friends sets, always get the same sarcastic comments after like oh yeah they liked them for 5 minutes, never get a thank you or nothing. Last Christmas my son got a cheap slime set what was on offer in Aldi and a colouring set?! ( he was 8 at the time and hasn’t been into colouring for years) I still thanked her for them but never get thanks back. His bday is in 2 weeks and I’m tempted to tell her to just not bother and I’ll do the same, fed up of making an effort choosing nice gifts and it never being appreciated, thoughts?

like I said above we’re grateful for whatever he gets tbh I don’t expect anything tbh. I don’t begrudge giving money but don’t like being told to give it, iv never once asked for money for my son who’s significantly older,

I still give to all of my nieces and nephews even though their parents don’t speak to me. It’s not the children’s fault.

Mine are a bit older now so this year for the first time I’ve sent card and money. Book tokens or a book are probably the best option or otherwise I’d send a £5 gift with a card.

I disagree. If you only have one child and your siblings have 2 or 3 each, it's clearly unfair for you to have to buy 2-3 presents when they only have to buy one. I had this with friends who all had two children, so in the end I managed to knock present buying on the head altogether. It gets really expensive!

SIL has a brother who lives abroad and she never here’s off. Only grandparents as far as I know buy gifts as well

Absolutely end the present giving - just send cards. You could always pop money in an envelope at Christmas if you felt like giving something, but it doesn't sound like any effort with gifts is wanted or needed.

I had nephews and nieces (Dh's side) and always used to send gifts. I only have the one child and if their birthday was remembered they would get £10 and would get £10 at Christmas. Always said Thank you. As nieces and nephews got older they stopped saying thank you but would message me to let me know what they wanted for birthday/Christmas and one day I realised that I only heard from them about a month before each birthday and in November each year so I stopped sending the gifts/cash.
Haven't heard from any of them in years.

This is what I’m doing. Nothings appreciated and get no thanks.

This
I wouldn’t bother

I’d just quietly not bother.

If your brother mentions it (& it sounds like you aren’t close & any attempt to stay in touch is driven by you), I’d just say:

’yeah, it seemed a bit pointless to keep going with gifts. It’s obvious my choices for your girls weren’t quite landing, & honestly same this end with your gifts to ds, so let’s just give the adults one less thing to worry about & do cards only’.

If he says ‘but money in the cards…’

…’well it would be silly to be sending the same tenner back & forth, wouldn’t it? No, let’s just drop it whilst the kids are too young to be bothered…’

He knows perfectly well he’s got two kids & you have one. He’s also quite rude himself, so I’d feel fairly justified in saying ‘Honestly, I CBA & neither can you.’

I have never and will never give money as a gift. If anyone was to ask me for money instead then they'd get nothing. I can't believe asking for cash instead of a gift has become so acceptable in some circles, it's awful.

This is my point exactly why would a 4 year old want money than a doll she really wants?!

The kids are still tiny, it seems unfair that they should miss out. However, your brother's suggestion of 'just money' is not acceptable at that age. I think you need to agree a plan with your brother, such has a budget for birthdays or you each buy the children a present and say it's from the aunt/uncle.

I have now stopped Xmas presents for adult nieces, but still do birthdays.

I have done this with my brother although not for the kids. We were both giving each other money for birthdays/Christmas so just stopped.

I dont have kids, he has 4 and I wouldnt not get them anything because I dont have any

Just stop with all the presents. You’re not close to your brother so why are you bothering? It actually sounds like SIL is trying to put you off buying for them anyway by giving such bad gifts. I mean why are you giving them money when your DS gets crap?

I wouldn’t even mention it so just stop and they probably won’t even notice/will be relieved.

I’ve never given money just gifts

I hate the sentiment of having to give gifts of equal value or effort, but wow that 2 for 1 trade is a new one on me. Either buy the gifts because you want to do something nice or don't.

YANBU my own DN is rude and ungrateful and I wish I could get out of the obligation but my DM would give me grief

I think it’s a shame if the children miss out on presents?

I must say all my grandchildren from the age of about 4 absolutely loved having money so they could go round the toy shop and choose presents.

As others have said send a book token. No one can say a book token is cheap and nasty. Especially if you send it in a nice card with a lovely note. Maybe they are lucky enough to have a great local bookshop. You could do an annual gift for that shop. Maybe get your son to sign the cards so the cousins stay connected

Tricky one, so I haven’t voted yet.

I do find sometimes some people and maybe unfairly slightly more male than female can be quite crass, non thankful and frankly unfair when it comes to the more softer social skills. However sounds like his wife is also.

Your son is finding the blunt end of their nonchalant present buying, it’s simple sometimes, mine have got utter useless stuff that clearly is nothing like them, ie a 13 year old male getting an embroidery kit of a kitten.

I have a similar issue, I do buy a gift but keep it simple, I’d hate to think the children miss out. Maybe send a message of “what would they like and if you’re stuck these are some ideas for (your child’s name)”. Nothing fancy, maybe a football, basketball, tennis balls etc.

I do buy them nice things which are unappreciated!

I stopped buying for my nieces and nephew sadly when my SIL passed. It was our tradition to get the kids something for £20 each and she would in return. I’ve kept texts between us where we both agree it’s ridiculous and we both went and spent £60 on ourselves each year instead. My brother never knew what we did anyway and the kids are all old enough now to buy whatever they please. I still spend the £60 on myself every year because I know 10000% my dear SIL would have wanted me to do just that.

Men in general especially brothers are not great at communication at the best of times but what I will say is I think you’re more upset about the effort they put in as compared to the effort you put in it won’t hurt to just stop asking what they would like. A tenner in a card would be just fine I mean They’re 4 And 7 Doesn’t seem like it will be a big deal to just cut them off now but when their teenagers have their own Phone their own bank accounts you’ll just be closing off that communication point with them directly. I did this with my nephews and have such a good relationship now that they’re older teenagers and I can communicate with them directly/send their money for their birthday and I see them so much more than I ever did when they were younger.
A simple text every other month saying haven’t heard from you how’s the girls? Won’t hurt and even if you don’t care for the response and he doesn’t respond then just try again in a months time. It can never be thrown in your face that you didn’t care or stopped communication. The proof will be there that you could show your nieces one day as for his wife just completely block her out. Don’t go through her for anything. Go to him directly if you don’t get a response like I said just don’t put the effort in. I think you’re more upset about the effort being reciprocated than anything else. Also, they’re only four and seven the lack of manners is their parents fault.

Your brother & SiL sounds like an absolute horror - what went wrong? Who tells a gift giver it’s gone in the bin? Who puts a gift in the bin instead of charity? Definitely cut them out of your life. I feel for the children. You could keep asking them directly what they want - don’t give money

I really don’t understand what the issue is with money?

My brother gives each of my kids £10 in a Christmas themed card and a selection box, I put it in my purse with any other money they have (I have it rolled and clipped with their initial on the clip lol) and we will go to the shops at some point when Christmas is over and done with and they can pick whatever they want instead of being given something they don’t really need or want

I do the same my neices and nephews, unless they specifically ask for something they get £10 in a Christmas themed card with chocolate or sweets from the sweet man in the market as they’re a bit more fancy than haribos lol