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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Dinner dramas!

52 replies

SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 09:09

So for reasons I won't go into my ex husband is staying with us at the moment to help with my 2 teens.

I cook from scratch for us all every night and do all the cleaning up. No problem, it's my choice. He is paying half of the grocery bill.

Yesterday I took my youngest and her friend to London for some shopping and a fun activity as well as a meal. We would be gone all day returning about 9pm.

Normally, my eldest would sort themselves out re: food.

At 7pm my ex phoned to ask if he 'needed to feed' our eldest. I said it was up to him as she could feed herself perfectly well. But obviously as I wasn't there I wasn't cooking. He then went on to enquire exactly what we were doing about food, queuing if he should get a takeaway or if I had any suggestions. He didn't want to take anything from the fridge in case I needed it for a meal, (despite knowing I would be going shopping the next day) and then checking if I would be bringing food home for them. He didn't want to get a takeaway if I was planning to cook which he surely knows I'm going to start at 9pm+ after a long day.

AIBU that he should have just been able to get on with it without my input and I should be allowed 1 day off the mental load of organising everything. I was exhausted at this point by a long day out which obviously I had planned and executed without his help. He called me a stress head for wanting him to organise himself for once! I'm autistic too and have a lot of anxiety so the day out took a lot of my energy.

YANBU - no need for him to contact me, should make decisions independently
YABU - it is fair enough to try and plan around each other and warranted a phone call to micromanage every detail of what we were doing and discuss what they could do.

OP posts:
LeaderBee · 15/05/2026 12:08

I know its simple to get dinner organised himself or your teen to do so, but it's not his house and presumably he isn't living there permanently so I think it's fair that he called to ask because he didn't know if what was in the fridge was planned for other meals.

I could imagine this being an AIBU of "to call my ex out for taking things out of our fridge without asking" any other day of the week.

VividDeer · 15/05/2026 12:10

I think he was sensible to check. Its your house and you manage the food shop.

Iwanttobeafraser · 15/05/2026 12:27

I would have just replied to the first message with "I'm not there. Eat whatever you like in the fridge or get takeaway as we won't be home until 9" and ignored everything after that.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:01

Aliceinmunsnetland · 15/05/2026 11:29

Sounds like he thinks as OP is his mum.
He's supposed to be an adult and presume he works, how do these hopeless men manage in the real world? I sometimes think it's because they are molly coddled so much into teens and possibly early 20's ususally by over indulgent mothers.

Show quote history

In his case he actually lived in a different country to his mum growing up. It was probably my fault for allowing him to get away without doing much when we were married. I have created a monster, it seems.

OP posts:
TheignT · 15/05/2026 18:07

Bestnottalkaboutit · 15/05/2026 09:31

Depending on the dynamic, also remember that it is not really his house if he is only staying with you on a temporary basis?

As a ‘guest’, it is probably polite to ask rather than risk getting it wrong. I would ask too in this situation, purely out of respect for someone else’s fridge contents!

I agree, it is polite in a house where you are a guest.

It doesn't sound like much of a mental load to be politely asked a couple of questions.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:09

Bestnottalkaboutit · 15/05/2026 09:31

Depending on the dynamic, also remember that it is not really his house if he is only staying with you on a temporary basis?

As a ‘guest’, it is probably polite to ask rather than risk getting it wrong. I would ask too in this situation, purely out of respect for someone else’s fridge contents!

I do get that point but I have told him multiple times to help himself. He doesn't really cook so wouldn't really be touching anything I would use for meals, if he did it could be replaced and after all I was going shopping the next day. There were lots of leftovers, eggs, bread, baked beans, soup he could have helped himself to. However, if he phoned me and just said is it ok if I eat x, or is there anything you don't want me to eat, I could have given a quick reply, all sorted. But it started with asking if he needed to sort food and when I said obviously yes, lots of questions about what we were doing for food. Then asking me to think of ideas of what he could have or if he should get a takeaway while I was trying to keep an eye on the girls in a busy shopping centre. I just feel like the dynamic is all off.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:11

Getmeacoffeenow · 15/05/2026 09:40

This sounds like a lot of hot air over nothing.

Yep! I just didn't have the patience for it at that point!

OP posts:
ginasevern · 15/05/2026 18:18

I think it's fair enough that he checked in about food. As it's no longer his home, I would've probably had a conversation about it before the day out, especially as you do all the cooking and presumably shopping too.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:21

honeylulu · 15/05/2026 11:42

I'm usually very scathing about male strategic incompetence but here it doesn't seem too bad.

He wanted to check he wouldn't be annoying you by using stuff from fridge you needed for something else.
He wanted to check you aren't planning on cooking (yes 9pm is late but it's not unknown to knock up a quick meal at that time in our house).
He didn't want to waste spare food from the fridge by getting a takeaway.

The annoying thing is asking you to do the thinking. But he's also a guest and I can promise you it's really annoying to have guests who raid your supplies without asking and mess up your meal planning. We once told a babysitter to help herself to snacks (ie crisps, biscuits, fruit) and returned home to find she had cooked and eaten two chicken breasts and half a pack of bacon plus left the pans dumped in the sink for us to wash. Just a tad annoying!

I do get your point. But honestly I have told him many times just to help himself. He doesn't cook anything I might need for a meal, but equally if there was something I would just pop up the shop and replace it and also that I was shopping the next day.
He also knew full well I would be getting food for the myself while we were out and am not a person that comes home after a long day and starts cooking. And when I clean up after dinner I always tell everyone if there are leftovers in the fridge.

Yes, it is the thinking. And yes, I see how that is annoying but he doesn't cook beyond eggs or something. He'd never start using meat or vegetables etc I might want for other meals.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 15/05/2026 18:23

This isn’t mental load
This sounds like he didn’t know what to do for he best in case you kicked off when you came home

Lomonald · 15/05/2026 18:26

Maybe moving forward just tell him you won't be in for dinner and explain just feed himself whatever he wants I would also text him so you dont have to speak to him.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:30

LeaderBee · 15/05/2026 12:08

I know its simple to get dinner organised himself or your teen to do so, but it's not his house and presumably he isn't living there permanently so I think it's fair that he called to ask because he didn't know if what was in the fridge was planned for other meals.

I could imagine this being an AIBU of "to call my ex out for taking things out of our fridge without asking" any other day of the week.

I have told him multiple times to help himself. He is paying for half of it after all. And it wasn't a quick 'is it ok if I eat the eggs'. It was asking me to do all the thinking and to also explain in intricate detail what we were doing and why I wasn't cooking.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 15/05/2026 18:30

I think it was ok for him to call you and ask if he could use XYZ from the fridge and should he make something for the child at home. He was unreasonable to suggest you might be bringing home food and cook!
If he’s staying with you I think it’s up to both of you to communicate, especially if the norm if you cooking every night. I understand he kee you were out but yes sometimes you have to be specific: a simple ‘hey John remember me and Mary are out all day and I won’t be back until well after dinner so sort yourself out. Jane can take care if herself’. Not hard is it?

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:32

Iwanttobeafraser · 15/05/2026 12:27

I would have just replied to the first message with "I'm not there. Eat whatever you like in the fridge or get takeaway as we won't be home until 9" and ignored everything after that.

It was a phone call and I pretty much said that but then had to give him ideas of what to eat or if he should get a takeaway and explain what we were doing and therefore why I wasn't cooking. I was already tired and just found him exhausting!

OP posts:
TheHateIsNotGood · 15/05/2026 18:33

YABU because he asked perfectly reasonable questions as a 'guest' not wanting to interfere with any food plans/fridge contents/etc you may have had.

None of his questions implied he was incapable of doing any of the options available just checking in with you before he decided wrongly is all.

Calliopespa · 15/05/2026 18:33

TheChosenTwo · 15/05/2026 09:11

Somewhere inbetween your options - a quick check to see if it was okay if he sorted dinner for dc (or for them to sort themself out) to make sure you didn’t come back with food for them.

I agree. Wasn't unreasonable for him to check in.

He perhaps made a bit much of the dilemma but honestly Op, things are not going to rub along well as two exes living together if you are letting that level of annoyance get under your skin.

I'm guessing you need him there for a reason so I'd try to take things in your stride a bit.

Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:34

TheignT · 15/05/2026 18:07

I agree, it is polite in a house where you are a guest.

It doesn't sound like much of a mental load to be politely asked a couple of questions.

Show quote history

It wasn't a couple of questions...it was endless questions! I said he could eat whatever he wanted, cook or not for teen as they could cook themselves or get a takeaway if he wanted. What more is there to question...plenty apparently!

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:39

ginasevern · 15/05/2026 18:18

I think it's fair enough that he checked in about food. As it's no longer his home, I would've probably had a conversation about it before the day out, especially as you do all the cooking and presumably shopping too.

I have told him to help himself to anything...not sure how much clearer I can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:41

frozendaisy · 15/05/2026 18:23

This isn’t mental load
This sounds like he didn’t know what to do for he best in case you kicked off when you came home

Kick off about what?! He's an adult if he wants a takeaway he can get a takeaway. If he wants to make eggs on toast from food he pays half of and has been told to help himself to what on earth would there be to kick off about?! Genuinely baffled.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:44

mondaytosunday · 15/05/2026 18:30

I think it was ok for him to call you and ask if he could use XYZ from the fridge and should he make something for the child at home. He was unreasonable to suggest you might be bringing home food and cook!
If he’s staying with you I think it’s up to both of you to communicate, especially if the norm if you cooking every night. I understand he kee you were out but yes sometimes you have to be specific: a simple ‘hey John remember me and Mary are out all day and I won’t be back until well after dinner so sort yourself out. Jane can take care if herself’. Not hard is it?

I obviously need to spell things out. I just find it odd that an adult needs that.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:47

TheHateIsNotGood · 15/05/2026 18:33

YABU because he asked perfectly reasonable questions as a 'guest' not wanting to interfere with any food plans/fridge contents/etc you may have had.

None of his questions implied he was incapable of doing any of the options available just checking in with you before he decided wrongly is all.

But he has been told multiple times to help himself. How could he decide wrongly? Just get a takeaway or make some food. It does not need a long winded conversation about the intricate details of my day or all the possible options and what he should do. He's an adult he can decide himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerBreeze1980 · 15/05/2026 18:50

Calliopespa · 15/05/2026 18:33

I agree. Wasn't unreasonable for him to check in.

He perhaps made a bit much of the dilemma but honestly Op, things are not going to rub along well as two exes living together if you are letting that level of annoyance get under your skin.

I'm guessing you need him there for a reason so I'd try to take things in your stride a bit.

Show quote history

Thank you, that's good advice.

I guess I just didn't have the patience for it at that moment. He is like it about everything all the time and I suppose I'd just had enough. I just wanted him to make his own decisions for once.

OP posts:
Daftypants · 15/05/2026 18:54

I actually think that’s ok .
He wasn’t sure what you had in for dinner and if you’d need any of the ingredients for a meal the next day .

Nearly50omg · 15/05/2026 19:01

He wanted YOU to order and pay for the takeaway if you weren’t providing a home cooked meal for his lazy arse! That is clear!!

ZzzMarchhare · 15/05/2026 19:08

I get your issue. I have similar and have stopped being helpful as it just makes it worse. It’s not big or clever but if all they get is sarcasm and no help they will eventually leave you alone.
hope you get some time to decompress soon