AIBU? Dinner dramas!

[SummerBreeze1980]

So for reasons I won't go into my ex husband is staying with us at the moment to help with my 2 teens.

I cook from scratch for us all every night and do all the cleaning up. No problem, it's my choice. He is paying half of the grocery bill.

Yesterday I took my youngest and her friend to London for some shopping and a fun activity as well as a meal. We would be gone all day returning about 9pm.

Normally, my eldest would sort themselves out re: food.

At 7pm my ex phoned to ask if he 'needed to feed' our eldest. I said it was up to him as she could feed herself perfectly well. But obviously as I wasn't there I wasn't cooking. He then went on to enquire exactly what we were doing about food, queuing if he should get a takeaway or if I had any suggestions. He didn't want to take anything from the fridge in case I needed it for a meal, (despite knowing I would be going shopping the next day) and then checking if I would be bringing food home for them. He didn't want to get a takeaway if I was planning to cook which he surely knows I'm going to start at 9pm+ after a long day.

AIBU that he should have just been able to get on with it without my input and I should be allowed 1 day off the mental load of organising everything. I was exhausted at this point by a long day out which obviously I had planned and executed without his help. He called me a stress head for wanting him to organise himself for once! I'm autistic too and have a lot of anxiety so the day out took a lot of my energy.

YANBU - no need for him to contact me, should make decisions independently
YABU - it is fair enough to try and plan around each other and warranted a phone call to micromanage every detail of what we were doing and discuss what they could do.

Presumably he is an ex for good reason so don't be surprised he hasn't morphed into a decent human being.

Somewhere inbetween your options - a quick check to see if it was okay if he sorted dinner for dc (or for them to sort themself out) to make sure you didn’t come back with food for them.

My husband would be the same...or simply starve to death if I wasn't there to cook for him

I can see wanting to check in with you to see if there was any plan he might be messing up. As an ex he's probably very aware that he's on your territory so there is potential for awkwardness. I would just answer the questions factually so he can make a sensible decision.

Well, hes your ex, not your partner and, in your words, he's there to "help" with the teens so he was asking what needed doing for the teen with him.

Did you make clear you would both be out all day and night?

Even if I was sharing a holiday home with a friend I'd say what we were doing for the day and expected times home, so if you didn't do that then yabu. But if you did say you and dd would be out all day and evening then yanbu because he could have spoken to eldest.

I'd give the benefit of the doubt that he isn't trying to overstep, unless you know otherwise? In which case you need to revisit the living arrangement.

Bit of a loaded question there 😂

I think it's probably quite hard to navigate the situation, so would cut him some slack.

Of course he should have been able to organise it, but it seems like he was very concerned about getting it wrong (not wanting to use stuff you had plans for). Is it possible, whatever he'd done would have been wrong?

I think if you are living like this with you doing everything for him then he is going to wonder what to do because you are not doing it, isn't it called weaponised incompetence or something?
Of course he should be able to cope but imo this set up is only working for him he doesn't have to think or make a decision.

He’s an adult and should have (a) cooked or (b) got a takeaway, your other child could easily have sorted themselves out if they didn’t want what he was cooking or having as a takeaway. There was no need to contact you, no wonder he’s an ex. To the poster who said upthread their husband would starve if they weren’t in if he was mine he’d be fading away to a shadow if that was the case.

You definitely should not have had to make any food for them or the thinking for them.... However you should have spoken to, or left a note for, either your ex or your eldest to let them know what to do. A simple - 'make yourselves supper, you can use anything in the fridge' would have done the job.

My adult daughter visits for a few days several times a year. If I'm not going to be in for a meal them that's what I do. I might suggest a couple of things, or ask her not to use anything I have specifically earmarked for use, but that's as far as I would go.

Next time just communicate to your child that they need to sort themselves out for dinner then he wont be phoning you.

As the chef/shopper/meal planner/fridge CEO in our house, when I am out late/not cooking, I make sure there is stuff in for a meal for whoever is home and let them know what/where it is.

Saves the calls about ‘can I use the pork/broccoli/garlic bread/leftovers’ - everyone well trained about not using potential ingredients for another meal…...

Depending on the dynamic, also remember that it is not really his house if he is only staying with you on a temporary basis?

As a ‘guest’, it is probably polite to ask rather than risk getting it wrong. I would ask too in this situation, purely out of respect for someone else’s fridge contents!

I’m torn. It sort of sounds like he was a bit worried about doing it wrong. Plus this is very much your territory in all senses.

I probably would just have responded “We’ll sort ourselves, yes please do do something for Ben, fine to use anything from the fridge or get takeaway.” And then ignored anything I thought was a stupid question!

This sounds like a lot of hot air over nothing.

Probably somewhere in between for me too. I meal plan for the week and usually cook most nights. If that’s not going to be the case I’ll give DP a heads up of what is there for him to make or whether he needs to grab a takeaway. It’s not that hard to let them know the deal and it saves him messing up future plans or food just going to waste