Dd, autism and cake - thread 3

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Thank you all a million for continuing to support me, it means everything to me.

I think once you’ve actually made the changes and not just talked about them then you can be happy. Because at the moment you’ve only SAID to her these things will be happening. Once they start actually happening, then that’s a good start.

I’m not convinced that it has to be a slow process. You can make immediate changes if you choose to. IMO your DD would be better served by being told that certain behaviour is absolutely unacceptable, rather than avoiding the issue which simply sends the message that she can control and abuse you. The more she “rehearses” that behaviour, the more entrenched it becomes. There’s nothing wrong with drawing a line in the sand.

It’s a great idea to have a family meeting. Why would she not come? Tell her that if she doesn’t come and doesn’t like what’s decided that’s on her. Maybe everyone can share some suggestions in writing in advance but no guarantee hers will be agreed on if she doesn’t come.

It would be great to agree some rules and expectations of everyone and no exemptions for DD3. Listen to what ideas your other DDs want to put in. That would be a really healthy model of how to do things.

Also wondering what would happen if you insisted she came to the family meeting? It’s a great idea.

you will hate what I say - but here goes anyway :

i think you will be like this forever unless you take drastic action.

you need to end this codependency - write her a formal letter -that as she is an adult who is not working, not contributing you are no longer able to afford to house them

as of 4 weeks time you will no longer be able to live at 123 address.

sign and copy in local authority housing department, social services department

advise her to make contact with housing office asap - it is her choice if she doesn’t but make clear that you mean business and on the date she is no longer living here.

on the date - you take her keys and offer to drop her at the housing department.

harsh? - yes undoubtably - but no more harsh than what she is doing to you. What she is doing is abuse and you are colluding in her behaviour and will never stop her as she is entrenched.

as a vulnerable adult with asd they will have to put her into temp accommodation or help her.

it will break your heart to do it but I cannot see her improving any other way as everything you offer she throws back in your face.

she will then have to put her energy into getting herself together - a job, benefits etc. she will have to engage with services

I speak as a mother with asd who had to make my child with asd homeless like this. Was awful but it broke the cycle. He did temp accommodation on benefits, then got a job and now lives independently in a little council flat - no benefits - working , engaged with my services and had therapy. am so proud of him .

We have an ADULT relationship which is brilliant. We can talk rather than him just blame us for everything. He is able to reflect and understand better as the therapy has helped so much.

We were at total breaking point - breaking the cycle by evicting your child is most definitely a last resort - but it changed everything for us and changed all our lives for the better.

many will think I was barbaric to evict my child - but unless you’ve lived with this level of abuse (no matter what the cause - asd is the reason - not an excuse for the poor behaviour and manipulation) you cannot understand what it does to you as a family.

@Clunkingwashingmachine that is excellent parenting right there and must have taken so much strength! I'm so glad things are better now.

Nothing but solidarity from me @bendmeoverbackwards. I am in a similar situation with my DD, only she is the eldest and so we have the added worry of how her behaviour impacts the other two as she bullies them. We have her 18th birthday coming up - doesn't want any gifts or any money, doesn't want a spa day or a city break, but it must be something special. Wish me luck!

Reading this thread has given me so much strength. So reassuring to hear that A. we're not alone B. our ASD teens are definitely being unreasonable and C. the end goal needs to be them living outwith the family home!

Stay strong OP. We must not enable this controlling and abusive behavior!

Sorry to hear you’re also struggling @CrazyCatMam Im glad the excellent advice on her is also helping you.

Ugh birthdays. It was DD’s 18th birthday last year that made me start my first post. Your DD’s conditions about presents sound so hard. Would she like a piece of jewellery?

What do you think the result would be @bendmeoverbackwards if you said:

”I did what I thought was best. I believed then and I still believe now that you are autistic. You are free to disagree. But nothing will change those facts.”

Ultimately, blaming you for something that cannot be changed is a way she can have an excuse to not step into adulthood.

You need to do some chores-- ah but this happened to me....
You need to stop coming into my bedroom- ah but this happened to me....
You need to start looking for a course/job- ah but this happened to me...

for various, complex reasons, she wants to avoid taking action. So the one way to do this is present the same excuse every time- and until recently, it has worked effectively. Because you have (albeit unknowingly) participated in this.

But now you are making small, effective steps towards removing yourself (and your family) from this dynamic. I think you are making progress all the time.

I suspect everyone in your family has slowly allowed her to think she is the centre of family life- your other children have stepped away from making a fuss, you've done as you have been told to do by her and your husband has tolerated her rudeness to him. Now that everyone can see clearly what has been happening, you can all make gentle steps to a different dynamic. I think you are doing the very best you can at the moment OP and I wish you luck.

The family meeting sounds sensible. I wouldn’t accept obviously Dd3 won’t come. Either you are part of this household or not. It’s wrong she is all take but not contributing anything - she’s not too overwhelmed to accept the free food, free roof over her head, free WiFi, free iPhone, allowance etc. I’d make it clear it’s mandatory.

So what's the issue with locking?

I agree with all this except the last line. Attending the meeting shouldn’t be mandatory but following the new household rules agreed at the meeting is mandatory- so if dd3 wants to influence these, she needs to attend. I also wouldn’t accept a written contribution from her as an alternative because everyone should be held to the same rules.

Equally @bendmeoverbackwards please do remember that you and your DH are jointly in charge of your house whatever is proposed at this meeting - you 2 should get to veto anything that won’t work for you. Ultimately if any of your adult children don’t like the rules, they can leave and find their own independent home.

OP it's brilliant that you're realising how unhealthy this dynamic is and starting to make changes.
Out of interest, what was your life like at her age? Were you away from home, at university or work, and pretty independent?
It's harder now in many ways for young adults to become independent. Some of it's due to the cost of housing being so astronomical now, but a lot of it's cultural as well, I think, as the norm for the amount of support given to adult children and parental involvement in their lives has massively risen. I was your DD's age 15 years ago, and even since then, it seems to have increased a lot.
Does your DD do anything in the house? Washing up, washing and ironing clothes, tidying, or food shopping? What about your other daughters?

OP just lock your bedroom door whenever you are in there.

If one wants to come in to say goodnight, you said they knock anyway!
If one has a bug emergency (eye roll) they can knock and you can go sort it in your own good time.

Not replying to her manipulative texts is a good plan of action.
Getting DH more involved in day to day parenting is also a good move.

I'm curious how her not talking to DD1 plays out. Does she ignore her? This would have been nipped in the bud from the off in my house. It's so rude and passively aggressively hostile of her to do that to her sister in their own home. And you've allowed it.

The allowance being reduced is slow progress I suppose. Just stick to the plan and no wavering on buying things.

The WIFI - is there a library or other public space with free wifi she could use during the day if you turned off the home wifi? It may tempt her out of the house more often.

She is massively manipulative and clearly has gotten very used to over the years pushing everyone to dance to her tune.

I'm glad you have looked ahead and seen it cannot continue.

What would happen if god forbid, you and her dad died suddenly in an accident?! She would be viewed as an adult but she isn't a functioning one.