Dd, autism and cake - thread 3

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Thank you all a million for continuing to support me, it means everything to me.

Everyone in this household is an adult right?

I do think it rather odd that there is no respect for you and DH personal space by any of your adult DC. I mean apart from anything else I wouldn’t want someone walking in on us having sex. Door closed means don’t come in in our house. If you need to you knock and wait for the response. It cuts both ways even for my 14 year old DS I don’t wander in his room uninvited without knocking and waiting these days.

Spiders nobody likes but they can deal with it themselves with a cup and a piece of paper. It’s not an emergency that someone needs to be bursting into your room uninvited for.

More boundaries in general are needed in your household I would suggest for everyone. Boundaries are actually a good thing and make people feel safe if they know where the limits are.

I think if you explained to your older two daughters why you are making your bedroom out of bounds, I’m sure they would understand. They are both adults with no discernible SEN? They would have to deal with bugs if you were not there, which you are planning on happening more often so it’s a good excuse for them to start doing it now.

Sometimes when you write about all of your daughters, it seems as though you are describing young children rather than adults. Do they really just enter your bedroom without knocking? They just walk in whenever they feel like it?

And coping with a spider doesn't "require" your DH. Adults need to figure out how to handle unpleasant situations. If DD1 or DD3 actually has a genuine debilitating phobia, that is something they may need professional help to overcome. But if they are just a bit frightened or squeamish, they really should be the ones to work out how to cope.

I teach some teenagers who say this to their parents. They want to ruminate over every perceived slight and can’t let it go (because of their autism). It ends up controlling everyone’s life.

You have to counter with, ‘to possibly do anything in the future, you have to completely drop the past and move on’.

Your daughters are all adults. No matter how unhappy a bug may make them, they don't need to wake you up at night to deal with it. Mute DD3's chat on your phone and tell your other two daughters to text you/your husband if necessary.

I think this is related, but had to have quite a tough conversation with AuDHD DS1 earlier (he is 13). I told him that he needed to make more effort with the people in his year group, and that not liking them was a ‘him’ problem not a ‘them’ problem (he’s been hanging around an older boy who’s understandably getting a bit exasperated). I told him that it came from a place of love, and that he’d have to hob nob with lots of different people in his life.

He went home, had a think, and got some card games to take into school tomorrow to play with people.

I felt horrible, but if I can’t give him a reality check, who else is going to?

Have none of them heard of knocking/do they waltz in unannounced?

Could they text if there is a bug that needs removing? I'm very arachnophobic and I'd text my DH if it's after the kids have gone to bed.

Well this is impossible.
Noone at all can ever perfectly understand someone else’s reality. It is an impossibility. If she is waiting until she feels perfectly understood she’ll be there until kingdom come.
These are common thinking errors in people with ASD and anxiety to be so black and white and hung up on perfectly understanding that they can’t move on.

No they don’t come in unannounced. Dd1 and dd2 will knock and wait. Dd3 knocks and then comes in.

You can do this OP - we've all got your back 💗

Dd3 would say she can’t sleep in her room if there is a bug in there. And no doubt would keep annoying us if I said no to removing it. TBH I don’t mind too much, it’s normally a quick thing. What I hate is her not leaving when asked to and nudging me if I ignore her.

Dd1 is mostly fine managing bugs herself, it’s just big house spiders that freak her out, I’m the same with big ones and even as an adult would like Dh to get rid of them for me!

They’ll need to sort it when they leave home though. You mentioned your eldest dd1 was auditioning in Spain presumably for a role there - dad won’t be able to fly over and move a bug. Your dd3 won’t always have her dad to rescue her.
I think you need to treat them all as adults inc dd3 and model appropriate relationship boundaries for dd3. If she did manage to go to uni or have a relationship she is at risk of ending up with police involvement if she treats others in abusive way she treats you. Or someone will react physically with her if she is in their personal space many people would instinctively physically push her away.

If your DDs are relying on their dad to deal with spiders, that may in part be a learned behaviour if you also defer to him in these situations. But in all honesty, how many spiders do you all encounter? It can’t be a massively regular occurrence, surely? More of a once in a while thing? All your daughters really do need to be capable of coping with these mundane issues.

It seems as though you are anticipating that some night a spider might appear and using that as a reason to avoid making changes to a frankly abusive situation (DD3’s appalling behaviour when she demands attention at night and refuses to leave your bedroom). But that is madness. I would certainly begin locking the door, especially because DD3 doesn’t even wait to be invited in. If she knocks, meet her at the door, don’t allow her in. If she wants to rehash the same old story, tell her that you’re not prepared to discuss it, say good night, and close the door. I would also tell her she can only knock once per night and that she can’t disturb you after a certain hour unless it’s a real emergency (and spell out exactly what you mean by that).

I literally can’t remember the last time I came across a spider, do you think she’s cultivating them to make excuses to come into your room? (joke!)

I think the spiders are distraction. Why are you grasping at straws not to enforce a boundary around your own bedroom?

I'm not sure this is even a teenager thing or, indeed, anything to do with autism. There are countless threads on MN from posters picking over every second of their childhood and every perceived slight or injustice inflicted upon them by their unwitting parents and its clear that, probably driven by social media, naval gazing and victim mentality has become a national pastime

Would your DD see an autism coach (if she doesn’t want to talk to a therapist about the past)? I think you are doing such a good job of embracing changes 💐

Dd1 can cope with bugs without us. She lived away from home during university and manages if we’re away from home. But if we are around it would feel a bit mean not to remove it for her.

Dd3 hates even tiny bugs. From what I’ve read it’s an autistic trait. I do know we need to help her to deal with this herself but I can’t tackle everything at once. For me, dd3 refusing to leave our bedroom and nudging me when I’m trying to sleep is a far bigger issue than Dh removing a spider that takes a minute. But we certainly will set firmer boundaries regarding her coming in.

Totally agree.

I am sure I have posted this before but you MUST read this book.

https://amzn.eu/d/09PJRDap

Coming to terms with your past is an ongoing process and not something that you ever finish, even as an adult! Your perspective on the past changes as you grow and mature.

Thinking that one's negative feelings about past experiences can be laid to rest once and for all is black and white thinking, and just not true.

If someone's past is keeping them from thriving in the present, they should see a therapist to help them facilitate the process of working through it. But it's not a process that will ever have a clear endpoint, and it's not your responsibility, OP.

Your DD seems quite controlling. She needs to come to terms with the fact that all of us control our own actions, but not other people's. She needs to accept that she's an agent, and take responsibility for making the change happen that she wants to happen. She can't rely on other people to change their behaviour; ultimately the only behaviour she can control is her own.

Good luck and I think you're doing very well with parenting an ND child. It's a shame that she sees autism as such a negative label. I have friends with autism who are Oxbridge professors... autism is not something to be ashamed of. In fact given that many of your family members have autism, she's insulting you by saying it's such a terrible condition! It's just one mode of being human. Neurodivergence is not in itself a negative thing!

I don't think you did anything wrong making her get a diagnosis either, when she was young. Parents have to do what they think is best for their DC. You were doing what you thought was best for her. You shouldn't blame yourself. It's a bit mad that she is blaming you for the diagnosis, when what she wants to do with the diagnosis (disregard it or not) is entirely up to her. She's an agent!

Ironically the black and white mindset of 'my diagnosis is a lie!' is actually further evidence of the fact that she's neurodivergent, because she's placing so much importance on that label. Honestly who cares?! Some of us who are ND find diagnoses helpful, others don't. A diagnosis does not need to affect your life unless you want it to.

So yeah, stop blaming yourself and encourage her to take some responsibility for her own happiness.

Told dd on the phone today that I we won’t be discussing the past any more but would pay for therapy. She’s trying very hard to persuade me otherwise -

• she has new information about the past
• I promised I’d talk to her
• I HAVE to talk to her
• We chose to have kids and now we won’t talk to her (sorry but 😂)
• Shes too traumatised to see doctors because of me

All of this is reinforcing how toxic this relationship is and how she thinks she can tell me what to do or how to act

Oh and she also asked me to have a brake for a few weeks and return to it then. Think I need to practice some stock phrases as have been suggested, thank you