To continue my new relationship.

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I would appreciate your opinions and will try to make it brief.
I am in early fifties, a solo parent of three. Kids are 21,18,16.
I have been single for years after divorce so I could concentrate on parenting and myself after the whole sorry affair.

As a family, we were left blindsided and devastated after the shock departure of my husband due to his affairs.
we are doing really well now.

I met a really good man, it seems.
only a few months in but we live an hour away from each other so see each other once per week with an overnight every fortnight.

my kids are used to me being around all the time apart from work.They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.
my eldest is 21. She is home from college and said that I haven't cooked in weeks, I’m’ never here’ and am so busy and go to bed too early.
my middle child doesn’t care either way but is anxious due to exams lately.
My youngest who is 16 resents me not being around as much. He says I’m ‘never here’ and misses me.
He has recently secured a Saturday job but is upset I cannot drop or collect him. The walk is a mile each way.
My youngest and I always spent the weekends together .. walking the dog, going for breakfast, shopping etc. He will not socialise with other boys and has confidence issues. I believe that his summer job will help him immensely socially.
He has been seen by go/ psychology for attachment issues. He has improved so much but they each and all recommend that I stay living my
own life as Im
really only enabling his anxiety and attachment. His attachment ramped up when my husband left. It’s been seven years.He has friends at school and is popular in school. He doesn’t play sports or belong in clubs. He simply refuses to.

I feel awful about them saying I’m never here . I work hard at two jobs and am a solo parent as I said. I’m exhausted and medicated for high blood pressure due to pure stress.
I really like this man and it’s totally mutual. He puts no pressure on me nor me him. It’s just a lovely escape of pure joy and simplicity right now .

I am around at least one full day each weekend and a half day also but I want to continue this relationship . My children will all be gone to uni in three years
So it will be me on my own , at least five days per week.
can you please advise ?

My best friends are mother hens who don’t have any social/ hobby life outside of parenting and also have involved husbands and fathers so I won’t get an objective opinion from them plus, they don’t live my life or understand it really.

They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.

They are old enough to figure this out for themselves!

Ask them seriously do they see you as their dm or simply staff?

Go for it! You are entitled to your own life and they need to realise that.

I think they are old enough to sit them down - probably individually - and tell them that whilst you are their mother you are also a human being who deserves her own life. They've got used to you always being there but they are now taking you for granted and need to be exercising more independence.

No way should you end this relationship. In fact, from what you say, it will actively improve the life of your youngest if you step back a bit and wean him off his over-dependence on you.

You’re working two jobs and sound as if you’ve had a tough seven years solo parenting three children. You deserve something that centres you (even if it sounds as if it adds to your busyness!)

You are a person as well as a mum, you deserve happiness as well. I can understand why they feel like they do, although it does sound like what they miss most is lifts and someone cooking for them! Do they see their dad at all anymore?

I think it’s that I’m always there, always available.
I feel guilt fo my youngest as he only has/ had me at weekends and now we don’t go off walking anymore, go for trips etc. He is lonely I think. He has his job , our dog etc but doesn’t leave the house otherwise as he has no friends to meet as they’re all involved in sport etc. so it’s guilt I guess. I also go to bed early each night so I’m not really around to watch tv or chat after 830.

They'll want you around to cook for them, give them lifts etc then they'll happily flit off and live their own lives with their own partners (as they should) and you'll be left alone.

How much time are you spending with him?
And how much are you available to them?

I really enjoyed spending time with my kids but the youngest is almost 18 and getting ready to be doing his own thing and I’m going to be left with no one to play with. 😜

Ask them if they see themselves still being your entertainment in 5 years time?

Or are you simply there to cook and serve them?

At sixteen he can’t be relying on a parent as his sole company at weekends. The job sounds as if it will solve that to an extent, hopefully.

If you're "never home", it's not because of this relationship if you're only seeing each other one day in seven! I'd track things for a few weeks and try to evaluate honestly how much time you spend with your children overall and whether you think it's enough; but if it's not then more time doesn't have to come at the expense of your new relationship. Would your children be willing to end their own (actual or hypothetical) romantic relationships if you said you didn't see them enough now that they'd found partners?

If you'd told your 16yo you would drive him to/from work and now can't, I'd see if you can come up with some other way to help him travel. For the other stuff, though, it sounds mostly like things they should be working out alone or together. Even the 16yo can heat leftovers one night a week if he can't cook, or you could consider leaving him money for a takeaway if you feel it's warranted.

Also, is their dad in the picture at all? It sounds like they're expecting so much from you that they can't be getting equal from him. I know it's not always possible to split things up fairly, but consider the fairness of their critique if they are angry with you for your absences and not equally with him for his.

You've done an amazing job with your kids OP.

Trouble is part of being a great parent is making sure they are ready for the world. Regardless of your right to be happy and have a life outside of motherhood you won't do them any favours if you let them treat you like a housekeeper!

Let the kids cook the dinner and walk to work.

It sounds tough for your youngest but it even the experts think you need to pull away a bit.

Enjoy your relationship and don't feel guilty - you have spent years giving the kids what they need.

It literally says in her OP.

My typical day mon- Fri is this ..
leave home for work @800.
Home@ 1600.
Kids @studyuntil 1800.
I do my extra job from 1700/1800.
Dinner,walk,tidy, drive with kids for a chat until 830/900. Bed by nine.
kids in for half hour chat in my room.
one evening per week I go to a hobby at 2000.
Weekends are different in that I do my chores/ jobs etc on sat am with my kids. Maybe breakfast or lunch, meet new man on sat afternoon for the rest of the day. Home in the evening or overnight once per fortnight.
On Sunday, I relax at home on sun with kids, dinner, walks, friends for hour maybe , hobby for an hour at 1800. Get ready for another week .
If I’m away overnight on sat, I come home on sun afternoon.

I can see why he would be lonely if you're going to bed at 2030 each night and not around as much as weekends.

Why don't you go to bed so early? Is that a new thing?

Can you not build in something in the week with your youngest like a Thursday night cinema trip? Or am I misunderstanding and you’ve got two jobs?

Bed at 9 is early- I hang out with my older teens till 10, watching a bit of tv, chatting, etc

I go to bed early as my sleep is broken so I sleep in chunks, often awake for 2-3 hours per night. He still comes in and chats to me. Maybe I need to stay up later .

Come off it. It's obviously not that straightforward/ black and white when you have an anxious 16 year old with attachment issues.

OP, I get it, it's really tricky for you. You 100% shouldn't give up your relationship, but it's also clear that your youngest still needs you and is feeling anxious about the situation.

It seems like he needs support transitioning to more independence and adulthood. You said he's been seen about attachment issues but is he having ongoing counselling/ support? It sounds like he needs some general help with 'growing up' for want of a better way to put it - managing with you being there a bit less.

I think it needs a very slow and supported transition and he needs to know you are still his mum, he is still a priority, and you are not going to just disappear with this man.

Also if you are serious then think about when is a good time to introduce them if you haven't already - he might feel less anxious once they've actually met?

I can see this from both perspectives and I don't think either you or your son have to give up what you both need (each other AND your own lives!) - but you need to be open and honest with one another and strengthen your relationship with your son so you can support each other through it. It's a change all around and change is hard xx

Dad has no interest in them nor they him. He essentially abandoned them . I’m afraid they will feel that from me .

They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.

Two of your children are grown adults who should be able to do these things for themselves. Your 16-year-old absolutely needs to learn to hang out with people who aren't his mum, and a bit of enforced independence is definitely appropriate at this point in his life. He shouldn't be upset about having to walk for 15-20 minutes to get to work once a week. Frankly, even if you were home, I don't think you should be giving him a lift every week when it's only a 1 mile walk.

How do your 18- and 21-year-old imagine that other people their age cope? Do they not realise that plenty of people are at university and living independently at that age? Just because they happen to live with you, that doesn't mean they shouldn't be managing their own lives.

It's great that you're all close but they need to grow up a bit now.

They might at first - it is a threat to what they have got used to. That doesn't mean it's bad though, it just needs communication and for you to be really clear. They are still important to you so tell them. They need reassurance and security - you need to say it out loud - you guys still matter SO much, you are not being replaced, etc - say the words and say them regularly. It helps x

My son has always refused to engage with any and every mental health professional he’s ever met and he’s met loads. He insisted there is’ nothing wrong with him’. His behaviour, through anxiety and attachment issues, has been described as controlling but I understand exactly why he behaves like this and try to manage it. His new job has been a massive blessing. And, he is popular and funny at school but doesn’t like me to be away from him except only on his terms

Does he have any neurodiversity/ disability diagnosed?

You said he has anxiety and attachment issues, is that an official diagnosis that you have evidence for, or is that you knowing it but him refusing to be seen about it?

I only ask because if he has a disability/ mental health condition then he can get something called Access To Work, where he can get a workplace mentor to help him (it wouldn't be at work, it could be an online thing he does separately, so it won't make him stand out - no one needs to know).

It's a different thing to a mental health service so he might be more likely to engage. It's more like coaching/ support with his job and you can frame it like that rather than therapy.

He needs someone to talk to and support him other than you, but if he won't engage with mental health, you can make it more positive and about his summer job and growing independence.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/access-to-work-factsheet/access-to-work-factsheet-for-customers

Firstly YANBU, you should be able to have time for yourself too.
Would you be able to do the overnight on the Friday instead of the Saturday? That way you would still have the Sunday with them.
They probably wouldn't miss you so much on the Friday if you normally go to bed at 8.30pm.
It sounds like while you aren't seeing much of your partner, they feel it's impacting on your time with them. Why do they think you spending 1 day a week with him is what is causing you not to cook?? Do they help with household chores? Do you cook together? Do they ever cook?