To continue my new relationship.

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I would appreciate your opinions and will try to make it brief.
I am in early fifties, a solo parent of three. Kids are 21,18,16.
I have been single for years after divorce so I could concentrate on parenting and myself after the whole sorry affair.

As a family, we were left blindsided and devastated after the shock departure of my husband due to his affairs.
we are doing really well now.

I met a really good man, it seems.
only a few months in but we live an hour away from each other so see each other once per week with an overnight every fortnight.

my kids are used to me being around all the time apart from work.They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.
my eldest is 21. She is home from college and said that I haven't cooked in weeks, I’m’ never here’ and am so busy and go to bed too early.
my middle child doesn’t care either way but is anxious due to exams lately.
My youngest who is 16 resents me not being around as much. He says I’m ‘never here’ and misses me.
He has recently secured a Saturday job but is upset I cannot drop or collect him. The walk is a mile each way.
My youngest and I always spent the weekends together .. walking the dog, going for breakfast, shopping etc. He will not socialise with other boys and has confidence issues. I believe that his summer job will help him immensely socially.
He has been seen by go/ psychology for attachment issues. He has improved so much but they each and all recommend that I stay living my
own life as Im
really only enabling his anxiety and attachment. His attachment ramped up when my husband left. It’s been seven years.He has friends at school and is popular in school. He doesn’t play sports or belong in clubs. He simply refuses to.

I feel awful about them saying I’m never here . I work hard at two jobs and am a solo parent as I said. I’m exhausted and medicated for high blood pressure due to pure stress.
I really like this man and it’s totally mutual. He puts no pressure on me nor me him. It’s just a lovely escape of pure joy and simplicity right now .

I am around at least one full day each weekend and a half day also but I want to continue this relationship . My children will all be gone to uni in three years
So it will be me on my own , at least five days per week.
can you please advise ?

My best friends are mother hens who don’t have any social/ hobby life outside of parenting and also have involved husbands and fathers so I won’t get an objective opinion from them plus, they don’t live my life or understand it really.

No. He’s been assessed for neurodivergence but isn’t. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and attachment disorder but has made massive leaps in seven years. That’s why I’m so grateful for him getting a job as I believe that this will really boost him socially and developmentally.

I don’t cook a whole amount as my youngest likes to cook and not everyone likes the same food and sometimes they’ve different schedules . Perhaps I need to make one dinner in advance ie slow cooker, so we can eat together but when I’ve done this, one or two aren’t hungry or have their own plans

I think of course you should continue your relationship.

My heart is pulling towards the fact he’s 16 and still needs you. He still needs to feel your presence and you are his security. It feels like to reduce your time with him now, might be too much for him right now.

could you adjust the plan so if you stay over, you are back on the Sunday morning, so you have a regular family day?

I don’t know the solution at all but you’ve been a brilliant mum so far handling their adjustments to family changes. You’ll know the next right step better than any of us.

I think all your DC are being a bit ridiculous. Saying you are never around and never cook when the only change is that you are out every Saturday afternoon and every other Saturday night and Sunday morning. Have they been perfectly happy until you started dating? They should all be taking turns to prepare family meals already. Perhaps you could push back your bedtime by an hour or so?

Do you not cook for them is it true it’s been weeks, do you not have dinner together as a family? Just leave them to fend for themselves?

I do wonder if you’ve written this jn a way to make them seem unreasonable, and out the blame on them so the answers go the way you wish.

it does feel like you don’t spend quality time with them, but are always busy.

I think I’d try to have dinner as a family. You can take it in turns to cook, and try not to go to bed early each night. I see you first said 8,30 then changed it to nine. It feels like as soon as your jobs are done, you go and sit in your bedroom, it’s likely why your sleep is disrupted, you’re not going when you’re tired, you’re going to be alone.

So you can tell them if they want you to cook they eat what you make with no complaints. Once a week they cook for you (they can rotate betweenthe 3 of them or cook together but that night is their responsibility). They take on some of the household chores to free up your time, and then you won't be so tired you need to go to bed at 8.30/9 which will give you more time together. They (especially the older 2) need to understand that if they want more of your time they need to give more of theirs.

The funny thing is they were pushing fur me to go out and live my life and meet someone special. The professionals that my son attended also all said the same thing. And now that I have….

I do go to my room to take an hour for myself as I’m always with my kids or work but they will always come in for another chat.
I have written this with absolute factual honesty as I asked for advice and opinion.
my middle child likes to cook for himself at odd times of the day.
my youngest loves to cook as do I and my eldest expects a daily meal out in front of her.
I do cook but it often ends up in the bin as when I do , many times it’s not eaten so it’s wasteful.

Parenting is hard I think in some ways the young adult (or almost adult) stage is the hardest.

Getting the balance between supporting them, pushing them, encouraging independence etc with some kids is tough.

It is not selfish of you to want your kid to be less reliant on you for his social life.

Don't give up your relationship unless the relationship itself stops working for you.

I co-parent 50/50, so it is a different scenario, but here's our routine.

I work full-time and WFH when DC (17, 14) are with me. We have a schedule that started when they were much younger, but hasn't changed hugely, where they each have one TV night (1-2-1 time) per week with me. DC2 is at a club when I watch with DC1. DC1 games when I watch with DC2. Their choice of show.

We also try to fit in a family TV or film night, but that's sometimes only once a fortnight, occasionally less frequently now DC1 has developed more of a social life.

I try to get them to walk DDog with me once each on our weekends. One on Saturday, other on Sun.

Do your DC do anything around the home? Cooking, laundry, etc. I'm currently trying to get into a more regular exercise routine (rapid mid-40s weight gain) and DC1 recently started cooking once a week so that I can e.g. go for a run without it impacting the TV/family time.

DC1 enjoys cooking and has been able to put together a proper meal since age 11. So I appreciate that this something they actually enjoy. However, I also think it's important for DC to contribute and develop independence before leaving home (DC1 wants to go away to university).

If they're not already, all of your DC are old enough to cook for the whole family regularly. Even if just the older two alternated and only had to cook once a fortnight each, is there a way that would give you some time back to spend with the 16-year-old without compromising anywhere else?

Also, if they are commenting that they never see you, have they suggested any ways to spend more time with you (that don't involve giving up your relationship)? You could try telling them you don't want to hear any more complaints unless they have realistic solutions to the perceived issue.

I once read that just 15 mins a day of focused time is enough to strengthen the parent-child relationship. Sometimes, if everyone is busy, we just play a really quick word game or card game at the end of dinner so we've done something together.

They should all be capable of cooking and doing without you there for one or two evenings a week.

That said, it sounds like you're doing things differently and not being there constantly is triggering some abandonment issues, especially for your youngest. You've had professional advice and that's what I would follow.

What I would do is stay up a little later with them and have them start cooking meals with you doing supervision at first. Spend a few evening teaching them to cook one of their favorite dishes. But they don't sound very independent given their ages and that's going to need to be strongly encouraged.

A healthy 16 year old can walk a mile to and from work. It's really good exercise.

Things are changing a bit given that you're dating and they're going to have to adjust to that. They can't expect you to stay and do for them forever.

The bottom line is - you’re not actually seeing this guy that much and you’re actually very around for your kids. If you were around less it might encourage DS to find other people his own age to talk to. He can’t cling onto you indefinitely.

I think I need to have. Dinner ready each day from now on, delay bed time and have a film night on a Friday night with treats and drinks. Otherwise I’m with my children all the time, bar work/ two hours for hobbies per week and now, seeing this new person. I’m not sure how I can split myself even more .
I spend a lot
more that fifteen focused mins per day with each of them . We have a drive or a private chat separately each day

You deserve to have your own life, OP, but it doesn't sound like there's much left for your children, especially your 16 year old. It's not only about his age. Attachment disorder is a really significant issue and you used to spend a lot of one to one time with him, but now you just clear off on Saturday lunchtime and come back at the vague time of Sunday afternoon. It's absolutely expected that a child with attachment disorder would struggle with this.

If I didn't cook for weeks at a time, I wouldn't expect my kids to be flocking round the dinner table if I one-off decided to cook.

Why do you work a second job in the evening? I'm assuming it's a financial necessity, especially as the children's sperm donor sounds useless. I think the impact of the second job and now the relationship means that you're barely there for the children in a meaningful way. There simply isn't enough time for anyone. Only scraps of time for your youngest son. You sound like you desperately need time for yourself, hence bed at 8.30, which is ridiculous. And now a huge chunk of the weekend where you're away. You sound overstretched. You're prioritising the relationship with your boyfriend. You're withdrawing too much from your children. It's all out of balance.

That sounds great, but don't be afraid to ask them to contribute. The older 2 are adults now and should be doing their part. They won't know how to look after themselves when they leave home if you don't get them involved now.

Sorry for the cross-post, OP

Ah please spend more time with this child whilst he is still relatively young and clearly misses you. Your children are always more important and regrets can last a lifetime.

And this is the point of my thread .. the only time(s) I’m not with him/ them , mostly him .. is when I do the hobby for two hours per week and when he is at school/ I’m at work and when he is at study/ I’m doing my second job . So now that I see this man once per week for an afternoon or form an overnight once per fortnight , I’m not available to spend that focused time on my youngest and do I give that up ???
essentially we are talking about sat afternoon and evening once per week ( my son is working during this time now) or sat afternoon until sun afternoon once per fortnight( he’s also working but not Sunday morning and I’m away on sat night)
Do I give this up ?

There is no question about my children being more important. That goes without saying , of course.
They have always been number one priority but I’ve been accused of and guilty of compensating for their fathers lack .
Perhaps Im
paying the price for that now?

They are all old enough for you to have a frank conversation about how you work two jobs to support everyone. That leaves you tired. They are old enough to get themselves to and from work, and make their own food. You love them all, but you also are a human being with your own life.

The kids are getting older, and you are entitled to a life op. Please don’t feel guilty. If anything it sounds like you may have overcompensated a bit for their father being a dick, and they have got used to you always being there (and doing things for them). I agree a frank conversation might be in order - they are all old enough to cook, get themselves to work, etc, while you work and are entitled to a bit of a social life!

YANBU. You’ve parented these children for the last 2 decades and can’t be responsible for the older two to this extent - your 21 year old sounds like an entitled madam.

They should all be playing a part in family life and allowing you your time (which is actually minimal) daily and weekly. Your 16 year old still clearly wants close contact with you, but should be able to manage one overnight and morning where he is at home and you are out.

Do not be cooking for them all daily: they can all
play a part. Chores should be fairly distributed. They should be seeking opportunities to look after you as well: a cuppa in bed on Saturday morning or an hour’s bubble bath on Friday night or where they leave you alone.

Objectively there is nothing wrong with your schedule. It's clear you're working really hard and must be knackered but still trying to be there for wveryone and you're doing a great job.

I think the kids need to be realistic and cut you some slack and look at reshaping their schedules if they genuinely want more time with you.

Most adults are out 8-6pm for work, so you're there for 2 hours before they come home. They could cancel their study sessions and spend 4-6pm with you and then study at home if it was that important to them. They need to recognise that they are young adults now and it's also down to them to manage their time to prioritise as they see fit. If seeing you is important, they can move their study time, help cook dinner, muck in with chores to free up time.

They could also be open to meeting your boyfriend as long as you introduce him as that, as in like he is a fun person they can get to knowing the same way you'd be happy to get to know theirs - it isn't a new daddy, blended family or any chance he will move in, just a fun person you know and they can come to lunch with you both some afternoons if they fancy it

Just to be clear, OP, I think it sounds like you have done (still are doing) a brilliant job, but your older two have an appreciation problem.

Could you give them the problem to solve? "DC, an easy way for us to get more time together would be to have a regular family dinner. The problem is that, when I cook, xyz happens. So I'm leaving it up to you to figure out how to make family dinner work. Realistic and practical solutions only - preferably involving you doing the work".

I don't think you can make any meaningful changes without their input and cooperation.

And you absolutely deserve to give your new relationship a proper chance.

My children are the kings and Queens of excuses and deflection. I love them
and their company but they are lazy tbh and they’re too used to me running around after them. my youngest is amazing around the house. I trust him more than the others