To continue my new relationship.

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I would appreciate your opinions and will try to make it brief.
I am in early fifties, a solo parent of three. Kids are 21,18,16.
I have been single for years after divorce so I could concentrate on parenting and myself after the whole sorry affair.

As a family, we were left blindsided and devastated after the shock departure of my husband due to his affairs.
we are doing really well now.

I met a really good man, it seems.
only a few months in but we live an hour away from each other so see each other once per week with an overnight every fortnight.

my kids are used to me being around all the time apart from work.They collectively are not happy that I am not around as much, cooking dinner and generally being there as well as giving lifts to work for them etc.
my eldest is 21. She is home from college and said that I haven't cooked in weeks, I’m’ never here’ and am so busy and go to bed too early.
my middle child doesn’t care either way but is anxious due to exams lately.
My youngest who is 16 resents me not being around as much. He says I’m ‘never here’ and misses me.
He has recently secured a Saturday job but is upset I cannot drop or collect him. The walk is a mile each way.
My youngest and I always spent the weekends together .. walking the dog, going for breakfast, shopping etc. He will not socialise with other boys and has confidence issues. I believe that his summer job will help him immensely socially.
He has been seen by go/ psychology for attachment issues. He has improved so much but they each and all recommend that I stay living my
own life as Im
really only enabling his anxiety and attachment. His attachment ramped up when my husband left. It’s been seven years.He has friends at school and is popular in school. He doesn’t play sports or belong in clubs. He simply refuses to.

I feel awful about them saying I’m never here . I work hard at two jobs and am a solo parent as I said. I’m exhausted and medicated for high blood pressure due to pure stress.
I really like this man and it’s totally mutual. He puts no pressure on me nor me him. It’s just a lovely escape of pure joy and simplicity right now .

I am around at least one full day each weekend and a half day also but I want to continue this relationship . My children will all be gone to uni in three years
So it will be me on my own , at least five days per week.
can you please advise ?

My best friends are mother hens who don’t have any social/ hobby life outside of parenting and also have involved husbands and fathers so I won’t get an objective opinion from them plus, they don’t live my life or understand it really.

I was about to comment this. They are all old enough for a family meeting about this, explain you will always be there for them and support them but you want your own happiness too. Come up with a compromise like you suggested a Friday night movie night

Their dad abandoned them so they obviously are worried about losing you too, but it’s not the case and you deserve happiness. They’ll all be long gone with their own life in a matter of years and you’ll be left lonely.

Your 16 yo is still quite young to not have you around every Saturday and every other weekend over night and most of Sunday as well. That is a big change for him, especially as you used to do stuff together which you have stopped doing. Usually it's the parent who remains the constant and kids who gradually move on. It's a shame you couldn't give it a couple more years.

But I’ve given it seven years and before that, I gave it nearly 15 years parenting like a single parent, married.

Is that genuinely unreasonable ?

I specifically didn’t ask friends who have nothing else going on in their lives apart from their children and parenting, for that reason.

Regardless of my complex feelings about all of this, logically I don’t believe that any one woman needs to devote her entire existence to her children, but I’ve plenty of those in my circle . That’s where they are fulfilled. And with their busy and selfish husbands, they love that life.

I feel like I’ve given so much of my entire life to my kids , single-handedly raised them and yet , it’s still upsetting them that I’m not available to them like I used to be .
While not the point of the thread, having a child who has essentially been at my side all through his 16 years of life has radically impacted my own. I have ,of course, accepted this with love but that’s not to say I haven’t found it very hard and suffocating at times.
He is doing so well and has made so many strides but is it ever enough or is this my future… solo parenting to every need and demand ? When do I shout stop?

Your children spend far more time with you than any teenagers or early 20s I've ever come across so it's clearly a family culture you've created that probably needs to shift a bit. Your teenage son needs to start seeing friends outside of school. It's not healthy for a 16 year old to only socialise with his mum and siblings. Of course you must not end your relationship but it may be that you need to scale it back a little just while your son gets used to his new routine with walking to work etc. He should not be expecting you to ferry him a mile to work and back!

OP, I hear you and relate to pretty much everything you say. I absolutely get it - children same ages, father abandoned us 6 years ago, 17 yr old hugely affected, it's an absolute battle I just can't win to get them to help around the house. (there's deeply psychological reasons for that as they resent helping me as they are so angry still at their father not being there to help me!)
But I haven't dated anyone in 6 years, as I know how much it would affect my 17 year old in particular....

I believe like others have said, your youngest still desperately needs you and if you are seeing someone an hour away, that's 4 hours travelling (that's half a working day!) that you're spending every 2 weekends, just to see him for the little amount of time that you do.
Is it worth it? In 2 years your youngest really will be far more independent, either working, studying, travelling etc.
Can't you wait 2 more years? The years fly by. I know that I have to...
Yes, my life is important and I socialise, have hobbies and even occasionally go away for 2/3 nights. My kids are happy with that. But I know they'd find it really difficult if I was travelling an hour away for a seemingly pointless part-time relationship...
Can't you date someone more local that you could meet for coffees/drinks/dinner during the week instead?
And I do agree, going to bed ridiculously early seems to be having a huge impact on your lack of time for your kids. Yet they see you travelling hours away for your boyfriend...

So I'm sorry to say it as I really do understand where you're coming from, but I think you need to get your youngest all the way through the trauma of his father leaving, before you can have your own life back, hard as that is to swallow.
Or at least compromise by dating someone local for the time being.

Op

you sound like a wonderful mother

do as the professionals suggested and gently pull back from your son in a steady safe way

otherwise he will never learn to fly alone

You must keep enjoying this something special for yourself as honestly you are a long time dead

It would be easier if your new relationship didn’t mean that you are now away at the weekends much more than you are home. I have been single since 2018 when my son’s dad fecked off with the OW. His dad put his relationship above his son’s feelings so I would not to do the same.

My son is now 19 and at uni but until he started uni I wanted to be here for him. Might have been different I suppose if I had met someone but I would have wanted to live with anyone, go out regularly for long periods or stay overnight leaving DS here. I didn’t think that was something a parter would put up with so haven’t bothered. When my son was 16, I would not have left him alone for the weekend. At that age and most of what he did was with me because he had been unable to attend school in years 8 and 9 and was home ed through GCSEs. Through college I have always been the fixture to his comings and goings which increased with his confidence and I think that is how it should be.

Does your boyfriend come to yours? Maybe if he did that now and again it would mean you are away from home less.

DS is now encouraging me to look at online dating but not sure I can face it! Back in my day you just met people in the pub!

YANBU you are allowed a life of your own

She’s not away more than she’s at home at the weekends and the kid is 16 with a job on one of the days! He’s old enough to join the army and see active service!!!!!

Ever likely kids are coming out of uni unable to blow their nose or function in the workplace if they’re smothered beyond the point they become adults.

Life does not stay the same. Children would like it set in stone but that’s not how it goes.
Have conversations with your children, listen to their concerns and carry on. Most of their concerns seem to be around their support human not being around to service their needs. Boo bloody hoo.
Your goal is to create independent young people, keep pushing them towards that with as much love, kindness and firmness that you can muster.

My dc are 22 and 20, both ND (one with severe autism), I was hoping by now it would be much easier but it’s still hard to have any kind of relationship. DC1 has done 3 years at uni and whilst they were away it made things much easier, now they are home and only working part time, I have to drive them to work (they are learning to drive) and both DC’s are not keen on my having anyone stay over. I look forward to dc1 moving out 😬.

I have parented alone since eldest was 10 so it’s always been me doing everything for them. Despite dc proving they can live semi independently I still seem to end up cooking for them, they are pretty lazy tbh and I have to ask for them to help with things, they won’t just think “oh, I will wash up tonight” which kind of annoys me.

I don’t think you should end your relationship because of your dc, they are old enough to do things without you, capable of cooking and capable of walking to work. It’s probably a huge change for them not having you around but they are getting older and should have their own social life’s. You deserve a life as much as they do.

I was your eldest sage when I have dc1 😬, it’s hard to believe now my dc are that age too. My parents didn’t do much for me after the age of 18, I was working 2 jobs and got kicked out of the family home at 18 due to my parents divorcing and the house being sold.

If he's got diagnosed anxiety and attachment disorder then he is eligible for Access to Work support. It can be claimed from 16 years old. You should look into it, he could get an online mentor to talk to who could support him with his job.

It's not therapy. You frame it to him as extra support with work and someone to talk to about it other than you, who might have another perspective and some ideas that might help him. It will help him succeed in the job and eases the pressure on you as well.

Don't be ridiculous. At their ages the kids really shouldn't care where their mum even is! At 16 my mum was 4 hours away every weekend looking after her parents on top of an extremely demanding job. My sister and I were home alone, had boyfriends/jobs/friends and college. Our friends were all similarly independent, and expected to be. It was ideal preparation for our university years.

OP is spending enough time at home and with her kids. Her kids need to grow up.

Are you serious? People aren't interchangeable. OP can't just dump someone and find someone she's equally as into who lives closer.

And she only travels an hour each way. That's nothing. Most people's commute is longer FFS.

You go to bed ridiculously early! 8.30pm. Going to bed at 10.30 if you’re up at 6.30-7 is plenty of sleep.

I get that you’re feeling the emotional load of being a single parent but the reality is teenagers need you. And you’re in your bed. What about introducing this man to your family? So you can still be with them when you see him?

He has diagnosed attachment disorder. Your post is ridiculous. Please find out what it is, since you obviously have no idea.

I'm afraid you're not taking into account the trauma OP's 16 year old has been through when their family was blown apart by their father leaving/having his affairs discovered.
It really is trauma and my kids have experienced it too. Hence my comments that you belittled... These kids who have experienced abandonment seriously need their stable parent. Only having one parent they can rely on has real impact on their daily life and mental health.
Sure "normal" older teenagers who haven't experienced this should be living their own lives, not giving 2 hoots about what mum gets up to. But these are traumatised kids we're talking about...