Not drunk but driving

[Thesafetygeneral]

I love my partner and they’re amazing in every single way except one thing.
except they sometimes drink and drive. Not so they’re blind drunk of course but sometimes 1 or 2 drinks more than they should or such a small amount that they may not be over the limit but verging on it and skating think.
I’ve told them categorically how this is wrong and the risks of this, car crash, hurting other people, losing their license etc etc.
my partner doesn’t have a drinking problem (alcoholic etc) but this really pisses me off.
I just don’t know what to do now and how to deal with this. I feel like I’m not being heard when I say I don’t like this and how serious it is.
I don’t want this relationship to end as it’s perfect in every other way but this has to stop. Please don’t ask me to “shop” them but I need some advise about how to get this through to them.

I voted YABU because of course you should report this. What on earth are you thinking?

I would offer to drive and/or pick them up. Every time.

Notified the police that he is in the pub and planning on driving.
I know that’s extreme, killing someone while under the influence is also extreme.
I would break up over this.
I went to a funeral recently, one man was pissed, he owns a raptor Toyota a crushing machine, I asked him twice how he was getting home, approximately 20 miles, he said driving, I begged him to get a taxi, he thought he was the big man. I went to the bathroom and called the local police, he was arrested in the car park, fuck him.

I personally think the drink driving limit should be zero, it only takes one drink to start losing your judgement.
Maybe tell your partner if he does it again you are over, that maybe enough to shock him into changing his ways.
I personally would also call the police, maybe loosing his licence is the safest for all concerned

YABU. It is not your job to get through to them. Also, if whilst trying to get through to them and not shopping them, they have an accident under the influence and kill someone, your inaction has enabled it as you stood back, failed to report them and allowed them to continue.

You don't mention ever offering to drive yourself @Thesafetygeneral knowing that your husband will often drink after a few pints.

If you can't drive, I would be having lessons in order to take control of your journeys together. You can't control what he does when he's not with you (apart from possibly reporting him but not many wives would do that realistically)

Buy a breathalizer.

Always drive.
Refuse to be a passenger in the car when he is drink driving.
Report to Police on the sly so that he has his just rewards and changes his ways.
Never allow a child to drive with him

Your DP's judgement is flawed.

If your partner loves and respects you then if you sit him down & explain how much this bothers ,& worries you then he should be prepared to listen & change his behaviour.
If he won't then I think it tells you that he isn't as "perfect" in every other way as you think he is.

If he told you about something you did which upset & worried him in the same way, what would you do? I imagine you would listen & change your behaviour out of love & respect for him.
You deserve the same. Plus this issue is actually about his/yours/other people's safety, it's not just "I wish you would put the lid on the toothpaste".

WTF? That is hilarious.

You have an alcoholic parent and 'love a drink' but you're calling other people alcoholics if they have one?

I think some of the really extreme replies on here must be from people who do drink a lot and don't have a great deal of control around alcohol; they literally can't relate to the idea of having a glass of wine with a meal out and being perfectly fine to drive home later that night, because they drink to get wasted themselves.

I had over the years worked with several alcoholics. In supposedly responsible positions.... nursing. The first one, (nursing home, and other colleagues lived a couple of doors from her,lots of behavioural issues) eventually her DH removed her car keys and hid them.. colleague followed her to the local petrol station,rang the police, nothing happened. I spoke to the matron several times, she said "I've asked her if she has been drinking, she said no". End of story. Second one was hospital.. Eventually, some in charge of the hospital (above the matron) told her to go home, she refused,was ordered off the premises. Police were rung and notified. She rang when she got home, gloating. Police did not attend. They were both eventually sacked, but it took years.

Are you going to wait until he kills someone?
Drink driving is unforgivable and I couldn’t be with someone so amoral, stupid and selfish.

This.

A friend getting caught DD made me reflect on my drinking on nights out.

I was shocked into change when I worked out I had been driving over the limit. I didn't think I was.

I then gave breathalisers to all our friends who used to have 2 glasses of wine on our nights out over a few hours. They'd presumed our friend had a couple of drinks before getting to the bar when she was caught, and were as shocked as I was to recognise how often all of us had driven over the limit.

They stopped drinking anything when out too.

We all thought a couple of drinks were ok.

The DD rules in the country are so hard to calculate. Who asks at the bar if it's a 7% wine or a 13% wine you're getting? Or beer strength? Then divide it all over the time you're out? All the calculations involved are headwork you don't need when you're out to enjoy yourself.

I hope a breathaliser gives him the shock he needs to recognise that extra drink could tip his, and maybe someone else's, life down the toilet.

As a child of the 60's who grew up in a family that always drove I've been in several quite serious car accidents, and lost friends to car accidents.
Cars are much safer now , but it makes people more careless, I would not tolerate this at all.

Is there a particular scenario which leads to him drinking and driving, for example, is he going out for a few drinks after work? Could you offer to pick him up. It sounds like he's not going to make the decision not to have that first drink (or stop at one), so unless you're going to be on call to be his personal taxi service, I'm not sure what more you can do. I would imagine he won't consider changing his ways until he ends up crashing or hurting someone, as he's clearly arrogant enough to think he can drive to a safe standard whilst under the influence.

No, I’m calling people alcoholics if they drink and drive. Yes I do love a drink but I don’t love one that much that I need to have one even if I have my car with me.
It’s weird that you found my comment hilarious but I’m so glad I gave you a laugh on a Thursday morning.

I don't think that is the usual accepted definition of an alcoholic.

As the child of an alcoholic I feel I’m able to say with confidence that someone who puts their desire/need/want for a drink above the safety of other people is an alcoholic.

You are being too extreme calling all people alcoholics who drink and drive. Under the current laws, people are allowed to drink a small amount of alcohol and drive. OP has a different problem which is her partner drinking too much alcohol - beyond the legal limit - and still insisting that he is safe to drive.

I’m taking from my personal view and my view is that if your need/desire for a drink is more important to you than the safety of other people then you’re an alcoholic.
I say this as a person who does drink. I just have this view.
Call it extreme if you like - I don’t care.

have you suggested getting a taxi home or picking him up on those occasions?

Yes, but it’s all individual. I have an (adult) child and 1 standard drink in an hour would put them over, yet I can have two and be under. So, it’s about being sensible and knowing it’s individual and how it does or does not work for you. Again, a good quality, validated breathalyser (replaced at the ‘expiry date’ also) will assist you, especially at first to know your limits but even so things do change as you age, and even with different levels of generation hydration on the day so you can’t be complacent and adhere to general guidelines, it’s all about individual situation on the day. Guidelines that everyone can drink 2 and be okay are not relevant to everyone, but neither is the stance of no one can drink anything as limits exist for a reason, are based on data and it’s whatever the law where you are states.

Fortunately the laws in almost all countries disagree with you that one drink is unsafe, and the laws are based on science and statistics rather than your feelings.