Not drunk but driving

[Thesafetygeneral]

I love my partner and they’re amazing in every single way except one thing.
except they sometimes drink and drive. Not so they’re blind drunk of course but sometimes 1 or 2 drinks more than they should or such a small amount that they may not be over the limit but verging on it and skating think.
I’ve told them categorically how this is wrong and the risks of this, car crash, hurting other people, losing their license etc etc.
my partner doesn’t have a drinking problem (alcoholic etc) but this really pisses me off.
I just don’t know what to do now and how to deal with this. I feel like I’m not being heard when I say I don’t like this and how serious it is.
I don’t want this relationship to end as it’s perfect in every other way but this has to stop. Please don’t ask me to “shop” them but I need some advise about how to get this through to them.

In my book, one unit of alcohol is one too many. Even a small amount can impair reaction times and awareness significantly... everyone is different. I have one pint and no way in hell would I dare to even think about driving. We are all different, but the law is in place for good reason and one pint too many could well be the difference between someone's child or elderly parent being run over or your partner crashing into someone else's vehicle, causing a pile up on a motorway, wiping out someone's parents.

When I was young and stupid, I used to get into the car with a friend who was stoned... another friend who drove after multiple pints.... I was an idiot and we were all incredibly lucky that nothing ever happened.... to us or to anyone else.

Stop it now. Tell this person you will never get in a vehicle again with them and that you will take public transport to and from a night out. Never again. Never. And that if they do not change their ways, that you will report them and furthermore, you'll reconsider your entire relationship.

I am trying to post a link to an ad, but cannot. Google "NI drink driving ad Shame".

Show him it.

Honestly, it's so old, but I was just driving at the time and it imprinted so indelibly I never, ever have a single drink and drive. I just watched it trying to paste it on here and having children now makes it an even harder watch.

Oh and afterthought... if he... or she... can afford "one pint too many", then he/she can most certainly afford a taxi!

This one @Snugglemonkey?

'I wasn’t asking for a judgement'

Well you're going to get it. Your partner is driving under the influence. He's risking other people's lives. You know he is. But your main point of concern is the potential death of your relationship, not the potential injuries/death of people caught up in an accident.

The next time he drinks and drives report him to the police. You may just save his life and the lives of others.

.... and tell him this... my friend's father-in-law was run over by a drunk driver who missed the corner down a steep bank, came onto the path out of control and mowed him down.

In a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He was 50 when it happened.

I used to have a "friend" a few years back who regularly quaffed one or two bottles of wine a night in a local place, plenty of money but refused to walk home... even though it was under one mile... refused to pay for a taxi. In hindsight she was a nasty greedy drunken and cruel bitch who attempted to use me to tell the court her boyfriend at the time had threatened her with violence if she didn't drive him home.

She ended up losing her licence, crying over it... not sure when she got it back, but well deserved. I ditched her shortly afterwards. She had no shits to give for anyone else but herself.

I don't know.... one drink is one too many. And I applaud my brother that he won't even have one if he's driving either.

He’d have been gone after the first time if he’d have been anything to do with me. There’s no way on this earth I’d be complicit in drink driving. He could kill a child fgs.

When DS1 was a young soldier he was guard commander. There was a regimental event on and everyone from troopers to the commanding officer had to sign off camp, at the end of the evening, to try to prevent drink driving. One very senior officer came in, very obviously drunk and had family members in his car, to sign off but DS1 said nope, absolutely not, I’ll get you a taxi. The officer argued and threatened DS1 with discipline on the Monday but he took the keys and stood his ground. Come Monday morning the officer came to thank DS1 for what he did. He was so grateful and apologetic. We were incredibly proud of DS1. He potentially saved lives that night because he knows right from wrong.

You need to stand up to him. Either take the keys from him or report him to the police.

OMG 😵

Oh, I thought of an even older one which I used to cry about as a child (seriously, road safety ads in Northern Ireland were really hard hitting!). There was a woman and that song about you don't bring me flowers anymore. Heartbreaking. I will find the name of it fir you too op.

As I said, it’s sometime just one more pint than I feel acceptable. So 2 not 1 but that’s too much in my opinion. how do I take that? Please be kind as I’m trying too do the right thing here

Breathalyser? It’s pretty simple, they are either over the limit or they are not.

The limit depends on where you are in the world. Most countries have 0.08, a lot have 0.05, a fraction 0.03 and I think one or two have nothing (although that’s odd as if you have a juice and toast for breakfast you will have a smidgen due to fermentation etc).

My country (Aus) is 0.05, which generally means a few drinks in the first hour is okay and then a certain number spread out afterwards (important for us as we traditionally have bbq’s that stretch half a day and most of the night rather than shorter dinner parties). It’s all individual dependant though as everyone is a different size, composition and metaboliser, so you need to know the right amount for you which may be less (or a bit more) than the guideline recommendations.

I was a frontline emergency clinician for years, and saw firsthand the result of more car accidents than I could count. I’d still happily have a few drinks and drive, and I do as long as I am under the limit. In fact, i’d say that’s far safer than I ever was driving home tired after invariably long shifts. I’d also far rather get in a car with someone like my DH who has had a few drinks and is under the limit versus my kids with no alcohol but not decades of driving experience, or indeed any young driver; any driver who has young kids at home, or kids in the car; any elderly driver; any tired driver; or any bad driver, of which there are generally heaps.

Get him to get a breathalyser. When they first same out decades ago (when breath testing first came in), they were not reliable, but now you can get ones of the same standard the police use. Most of our pubs/clubs had police grade fixed ones where you could test when the blood alcohol limit and breathalyser’s first came in (before then if police pulled you over suspecting you were too drunk to drive, it was just a case of them making you walk in a straight line and touch your nose), but they tended to be abused by young drunk idiots, who were not driving but trying to see who could blow the highest🤦‍♀️. So most kept the breath straws behind the bar and just gave to people who were using it for the right purpose. When commercial portable ones reached the same grade as those the police use, they pretty much got rid of all the fixed ones in the pubs/clubs, so just get him to get and use one of these.

That one. Still traumatic and it must be at least 25 years old.

poor copy of the other one you mentioned @Snugglemonkey

Thanks @Selkie33

Please tell me you don’t have kids getting into the car with this idiot.

You can’t change your partner. You can only control your reaction to their actions.

My reaction? Warn once, then report to police, then dump. Total deal breaker for me.

It would be a deal breaker for me

If you're driving, it's easier not to drink at all, because then you won't be over the limit. I have known people who say they can't go to a pub and not drink - and refused to get me a water when they went up to the bar.

Does your partner always drink if they go to the pub, or are they sometimes fine just to catch up with people over a lime and soda? I think I would have a problem being with someone who feels they have to have a drink.

If it's just sometimes, I'd probably start by offering to pay for a taxi, then be throwing stats at them about the risks (because that's the way I am.) I'd like to think I'd inform someone, but I don't know if I'd have the nerve in the end, and might sit there miserably trying to gain the courage. Which is crap.

You can't.

I was not aware of this so thank you I appreciate the info

Yes, you can get cheap, junk ones and that’s the case. Get validated ones that are ISO standard compliant, like the ones used by police etc. They are not cheap but will be certified, just as police ones are. They also have a lifespan so you need to replace at points, not use old ones forever.

@HoppingPavlova the 'few drinks in the first hour' then one every hour thing has caught a lot of women out as that guideline is only for men. (It also doesn't account for the fact that almost everyone pours something bigger than a standard drink.)

For an average woman, it's no more than 1 standard drink per hour to stay under 0.05.

Drink Driving And The Law | Alcohol Think Again

So he is having 2 pints and driving? Is that right? I won't drink anything and drive as it really affects me, but most men I know would have a 2 pint limit and then drive.

'they're', 'they', 'them'? How many partners are you talking about?

The sex of your partner or partners may be irrelevant but 'they' are presumably a he or she.

Just make sure you are not a passenger when he or she is driving after a couple of drinks. There's not much else you can do.

If someone is driving and still needs to have a drink then I think that they do have a problem with alcohol.

Exactly this.

Someone who drinks anything then drives is an alcoholic. I love a drink but won’t have even one if I’m driving.

My dad was an alcoholic and often drove drunk. When he lost his license- as he did several times - he carried on driving anyway. It’s a miracle he didn’t kill anyone.

OP If you’ve already expressed your concern to your partner and they don’t respect you enough to stop doing it, they never will.

Doesn't sound like a great relationship to me if you're talking to strangers and not them.