To find it rude that DP picks up his phone at every notification when we’re mid conversation

[dinnerdateeee]

DP has an Apple watch and phone and has always done these even in our early dating days. We can be mid conversation and a notification will come on his phone or his watch and he’ll focus entirely on that and start reading it.

we were having a bit of a make or break conversation at dinner the other night and while I was talking he just picked up his phone and started reading a message.

I paused and waited for him to finish and he had a go at me as he can ‘concentrate on more than one thing at the same time’

I just find it so bad mannered but AIBU?

these are not urgent notifications by the way just like group chat nonsense or whatever

Yes it's rude.

It sounds as though you are definitely not top of his list of priorities.

When his phone is more important to him.than you are i think it's time to re evaluate your relationship.

I hope you rolled your eyes when he had a go.

Stop the conversation each time and don't go back to it would be my strategy. Although I'd also be feeling I was being given an insight into how important I really am to him.

It’s like he has no concept of it possibly being rude.

His teenager (who is lovely) is completely phone obsessed. We went for a walk the other day and his teen asked if he could watch YouTube on his phone while working. DP said no but it’s like he doesn’t see that he role models this kind of behaviour.

He's rude. Sorry, he knows it's rude. Tell him to knock it off when you're trying to have a conversation.

He honestly makes me feel like I’m bu. He seems to think I’m being high maintenance not that it’s generally seen as rude

If he can’t concentrate on you during such an important conversation then blames you, it’s clear he’s not that bothered. 🤷‍♀️

Honestly sometimes he’ll read out the message while I’m mid sentence 🤷‍♀️

Make or break conversation? That's break then.

This winds me up so much too, me and my husband argue about it constantly. He’s wonderful otherwise so it’s not a hill I want to die on but it annoys me to the point of upset

Exactly my first thought.

We (l) negotiated a rule that at mealtimes (unless we're snacking in the kitchen) all notifications are switched off or all devices are removed and left in the kitchen. Ditto no devices in the bedroom.

It was a hard discussion to have, dh minimised the impact - "It was less than 30 seconds / I only glanced at it..." etc. It helped that I am the main cook so I could explain how my efforts in that regard felt unappreciated.

Bottom line: it IS rude and disrespectful. And worse when they laugh at some irrelevant joke or meme or stupid comment that a friend has sent, then don't even bother to explain what made them laugh.

I have perfected a pissed off 'face' that now accompanies every rare misdemeanor.

I think i also play my part by engaging fully with him too, and trying not to be distracted by mumsnet!

DH often (but not always) does the same and I agree with you entirely OP, but then I factor in that I am literally the polar opposite, my phones not been off silent in years and I don’t have push notifications for any apps aside from WhatsApp, so no social media alerts at all. My way probably wouldn’t be everyone’s way either.

DH for all him being a slave to his notifications is otherwise great, so for us I mostly let it slide (aside from deep eyerolls). It’s also handy that I rarely have to wait to hear back from him if I need something.

It's not just rude. People don't realise the impact it's having on their own life and that of their families. I can't imagine having sound notifications on my phone for anything (except for actual calls) and my partner doesn't have those either. He is a bit phone obsessed though and I often have to remind him not use his phone at the table or during the bedtime routine. But OMG sound notifications? I thought that was a thing of the past. That would drive me mad... but I have sensory issues / am autistic so maybe I'm not the norm?

What exactly is the point of him? He sounds rude and immature.

If you ever have sex again, suggest you arrange for your phone to go off half way through so you can stop and read him the message.

See how he likes that eh?

My dh does this, can’t resist looking at his watch when something pops up. And also says he can concentrate on more than one thing!

Irritating but if it was a make or break conversation then that takes it to another level of rudeness.

Next time he is in the middle of a sentence and expecting you to listen, pick up your own phone and text him "you're dumped". He will definitely get the message then.

just to be clear they aren’t sound notifications. His watch will vibrate then he’ll pick up his phone (which is in a wallet type thing so he actually has to flip open the case) and then read it.

im glad others agree as he makes me feel insane when I say it’s rude or wait for him to stop looking at the phone and return to the conversation,

Though sometimes he doesn’t even get a notification he’ll just flip open his phone mid conversation to have a look at it.

I find it rude when anyone does this

You’re right; it’s irrelevant whether or not he can concentrate on more than one thing at a time, it’s fucking rude, especially when he doesn’t want to give his full attention to a make or break conversation.

Out of interest, if he was having a conversation with his boss about whether or not he should keep his job, or a doctor giving him a diagnosis, would he interrupt mid sentence to read how Dave got on at golf? Or whether Frank is interested in meeting up for a pint next weekend? Of course he bloody wouldn’t. He’s telling you that he doesn’t think you are important enough to receive his entire attention. And as others have said, if that isn’t enough to make your mind up for you, then you need to work on your self esteem.

MIL will be mid sentence and if her phone will go off loudly with train or dog ring tone, she stop mid sentence, announce who it is and read it read it tell you the contents of the message, reply and dictate the reply and then relay the whole conversation. With key click sounds enabled.

We’re all busy and have digital lives now, a quick glance to check a notification is ok.

announcing the message and flipping the phone open in a wallet would infuriate me. Not putting it away when asked would infuriate me, audible ring tones again infuriating.

I'm with you@dinnerdateeee

It's fine to keep the phone on your person at the dinner table if you're expecting a call, but messages and alerts can wait until you're not actively in a conversation or after the meal. Breaking off a conversation is poor form.

By saying that he can ‘concentrate on more than one thing at the same time’, he can't. He is gaslighting you.

Yes, this. He’s showing you that he doesn’t give af about what you have to say.

I would just stop the conversation every time he does this and walk off. And also be planning to leave him.

Why are you choosing to be with someone so rude?
So what if he thinks his rudeness is acceptable.
YOU decide what is acceptable for YOU.
He sounds uncouth.
That is not normal adult behaviour.
My teens wouldn't behave like that.
They know better.

Have a message typed out, ready to send. When he starts looking at the phone rather than talking, press send. He will look at the message, and read "put the fckng phone away!" 👍