To wonder why people sometimes ghost good friends who did nothing wrong?

[ThatIcyLion]

I’m not talking about abuse, toxic dynamics, safety issues or situations where the friendship had clearly broken down.

I mean situations where the friend had done nothing obviously wrong, you liked them, valued the friendship, things seemed broadly fine… yet you still abruptly stopped replying, drifted away completely or effectively ghosted them.

I find it such a strange and painful thing to experience and I know quite a few people it’s happened to.

After enough time passes, I imagine reaching back out probably starts to feel awkward or loaded, which maybe makes the silence continue even longer.

But if you’ve done this, why? What was going on for you at the time? How do you feel about it now? Do you ever think about reconnecting or apologising?

I’m genuinely trying to understand rather than attacking anyone.

I did this when a friend’s messages during the first lockdown in 2020 and throughout the whole Covid era were all about her and she didn’t even ask once how I was..

So I drifted!

Just because one party feels like they've done nothing wrong, doesn't mean that's actually the case.

Are you the person this thread is about OP?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5528802-how-do-i-tell-friend-i-dont-want-to-go-to-her-wedding?page=7&reply=152281881

Gives some reasons why people do this. It can be understandable.

I’m not getting married so no.

So this thread doesn’t apply to you then

Except people often lack awareness so the friend this poster is referring probably perceives herself as you describe; as having done nothing wrong.

I'd suggest the person doing the ghosting has issues unrelated to the friendship (busy/depressed/dealing with other things) and may well "come back" later when they have resolved them.

Or the ghoster has maintained an outwardly friendly appearance but has come to the conclusion that actually they have nothing in common and/or don't really like each other, but can't think of a polite way to say it. So it's simpler just to drift away.

People simply don't do this if everything is great and there are no issues on either side.

I know. I’m specifically talking about situations where there wasn’t some underlying offence/fallout that the ghosted person missed. More the “they were a good friend and I still disappeared anyway” dynamic.

There's always a reason you probably just don't want to acknowledge what it is.

I guess to give a more serious answer, because sometimes people feel that a friendship has just run its course. It can definitely been painful when the two parties feel differently. But I've been on both sides of it, and ultimately not every friendship lasts forever in the same form. People just change, or feel they don't have enough in common to keep meeting up indefinitely once the context that originally brought them together has changed.

I've never, ever known that to happen. There's always an underlying reason.

Not always though. I’ve had someone reconnect years later and directly tell me the disappearance had nothing to do with me personally and everything to do with what was going on in her own life at the time.

There’s a difference between not doing anything wrong and doing the right thing.
I find lots of people are quite friendly and cheerful but never ever ask me about my life, but are happy to tell me all about the good and bad things in theirs. They use me as a sounding board and ask for advice but never think to ask how I am.

There is never no reason for cutting off a friendship. There is always something wrong, might not be malicious or anything serious but enough to create a wedge.

So there was a reason then!

I think there is usually a perceived slight at least.

I distanced myself from some friends when i heard they'd been gossiping about me.

Several years on and in a better place myself now, I realise it would have been more sensible to talk to them about it, and I also have some doubts about the information I relied upon, but at the time I didn't have the emotional capaciy to deal with it so I stepped away.

ATM I am the one a friend has ghosted. I know why, what she thinks I've done but it really is a misunderstanding. If I'd realised sooner I'd upset her I'm sure we could have sorted things, but she didn't talk to me, so here we are.

I have a very old friend I've been trying to distance from for years. I'm sure she wouldn't think she's done anything wrong, but as we've got older our politics have diverged completely and now all she wants to talk about is migrants and benefits scroungers.

Exactly but sometimes the underlying reason is internal to the person doing the ghosting rather than anything the friend actually did.

You've answered your own question surely?

I think done nothing wrong might be from the ghosted person's perspective, though?

I'm not proud of it, but I've done it twice.

Once with a friend who was incredibly high maintenance. I supported her through a real crisis but years after the crisis was over she still called and texted constantly, at all hours and gave nothing in return. I decided my life wasn't any better for having her in it and didn't think there was going to be any value in having a long conversation about it.

The second was a friend who, again, who I'd really been there for through some life events who didn't bother to even call or text when I was going through something very difficult, which she knew about from other friends. Again, I just decided I wasn't getting anything enriching from the friendship and that I didn't value it enough to bother. I know she's told other friends that she doesn't understand it, so I'm sure she believes she's done nothing wrong.

Of course.

I’d say it was 50/50.
Theyre probably being kind of time is a healer. Do you talk about yourself a lot? Do you drop in unexpectedly or cause dramatic things to happen?
I did it years ago, I still feel bad, it was a lot of things in my life that stopped me having the mental capacity to deal with her anymore, she talked non stop about herself, she’d pop in for an hour and sit for 5 hours, I knew every part of her body that caused any issue and still she was delusional at times, from hormones to colon and of course the vegan diet. 🫣

I think sometimes people are situational friends. It worked during a specific time period but they drifted after
or sometimes people change and what they wanted within a friendship altered
and sometimes people don’t have the time/energy to invest in friendships

I could give many reasons about the situation I was in blah blah, but these words from @ghostlyghost describe it perfectly…and that I didn't value it enough to bother.

It’s extremely painful when you are on the side of “why has my friend suddenly stopped talking to me / disinterested in my life / not making effort with me anymore”

I have been in this position before and it’s hurtful, you can’t understand what you’ve done wrong. Perhaps you’ve gone above and beyond for them before and been in each others lives for years.

I think some people outgrow you, go on different paths and cannot relate to you much anymore so end up moving on from the friendship naturally without you doing anything wrong. This is, sadly natural and common in friendships. Friendships ebb and flow.

I had a baby and a couple of best friends drifted from me, it hurt me a lot at first but it’s completely natural. I’m moving soon and I’m sure I’ll make new friends and perhaps see less of friends who live close by, perhaps the friendships will change and we may go months without talking.

It’s okay to be sad by the way x

Reasons I’m aware of it happening where the ghosted is probably unaware of any reason:-

• sharing content on SM that has really put the friend off
• being draining over a very long period without respite so the ghosted feels guilty because Laura “is a nice person” but increasingly dreads spending time with them because it’s a 3 hour misery dump
• mismatched expectations; the friend pushing for more intimacy and contact than the ghoster wants and not taking hints. See also taking the hump because you’ve done something with other friends.