AIBU to want regular gym time while on maternity leave?

[AgileMintShaker]

My husband works shifts that includes evenings nights and weekends, I am on maternity leave with second baby girl who is 11 months old and still breastfeed through the night. She is a difficult needy baby so I am desperate for some alone time when he is home and can watch the baby. I am on a health kick trying to go to the gym 3 times a week. He is saying that I am being unreasonable and not spending time with him/the family that I just ‘can’t wait to get away’ to have one hour at the gym 3 at a push 4 times a week. AIBU to prioritise this for both my mental and physical health? How do I settle this without compromising my important time to myself?

You just do it. Don't pay any attention to the guilt tripping. Men have no idea what it's like, and your DH is an arsehole for not helping you out.

Stand your ground.

YANBU. You need and deserve time to yourself and this is a healthy outlet. Do you have much family time together? Can you keep it to three gym sessions a week rather than pushing for a fourth? Does your DH get the equivalent time to himself?

It's really important for both of you to have some time by yourselves, not to mention that being physically active is important. Does your husband get some time too, if not, you both need to factor something in during the week anyway.

Does your gym have a creche.

However, 11 month old babies do not need bfeeding during the night. You'd feel much better if you stopped that.

Three or four gym sessions (plus whatever travel time there is and shower time and kit wash time) is quite a lot to find in a week, alongside one full time job and one full time baby plus another child. Does/could your husband manage this for himself alongside work and parenthood if he wanted? I think aiming for 2-3 sessions a week would likely be more realistic than 3-4.

This depends on if he also has 3 or at a push 4 hours a week to do what he wants.

So he only works and then comes home to be with you and the DC?

I doubt it. But to be honest, even if he does, that's irrelevant - it's totally normal to spend a few hours a wek getting a break and some exercise and I can't see why this would be an issue beyond him being a) controlling b) resentful of looking after dc alone or c) having issues with you doing anything for yourself/working on yoru self esteem and appearance. or d) (most likely) all three.

As a side note, also, many gyms have creches where yo can put the baby in for an hour. I wouldn't do that because of him, but it might give you more flexibility on when you go.

It is perfectly reasonable to have four hours hobby/alone time during the week, so long as your partner also gets four hours of out-of-house hobby time (or has the opportunity to do so, even if he doesn't take it).
If you can't find eight hours in the week to share between you (whilst also finding some whole family time), you will have to settle for half of whatever spare hours you can find.

As long as you are both getting time to yourselves and time to spend as a family it's fine.

Translation: he doesn’t want to be left alone with the baby.

YANBU but both of you need time to yourselves

Do 2-3 and do a work out at home (cardio or pilates)
not unreasonable to want down time.

Of course its fine for you to go to the gym a few times a week.

But does he get the same? Does he get chance to unwind and have time to himself several times a week? How would you feel if he came home from work and, 3-4 times a week grabbed his kit and headed straight off to the gym?

If he doesn't get chance to do the same then I totally get his annoyance to be honest. He is out working all day while you are home all day. He comes home and you immediately pass the baby to him so you can go out to the gym. What about family time? What about his time to unwind?

If you both have time out then it's fair? Even though it is working, he's out in the day with grown ups etc, you need to be able to have adult conversation time too!

I'd probably try and do two workouts at the weekend though as 90 mins or more is quite a lot in the evening, but easier to find at the weekend. Bottom line though, if you're struggling with mental health, he needs to step up and support you just as much as you need to listen and compromise if he feels put out.

Your DH is an arsehole and of course personal time for you is completely reasonable

As long as you both get equal time to do something by yourself then it’s fine.

Creche at the gym?

It’s so important to get something for yourself that goes for both of you

how does it work thought are you literally straight out the door when he come in from work

Not unreasonable at all. And honestly, whenever I read about men “wanting more family time” what I hear is that they want less time looking after kids on their own (because in fairness it can be a bit lonely and boring when you’re not used to being the primary carer - but that’s on him, not you). 3-4 gym sessions is a good number, you need at least 3 to make meaningful progress. As long as you work around each other and agree on timings to suit you both, he should be encouraging and pleased for you.
I started going to the gym/classes 18 months ago after having my 3rd baby. I’m lucky I can go some mornings whilst they’re all in school/nursery as I wfh flexibly. But I do usually go out at least 2, sometimes 3 eves or two eves and a weekend day. My husband finds the kids hard work on his own but has not once moaned or discouraged me from going. If he did we’d be having a discussion but I would not be happy about reducing my time just because he doesn’t want to look after the kids on his own. That said, I live close, blast out a 45 min session (supersetting to make the most of my time) or class and shower after kids are in bed.

He sounds controlling, lacking in empathy and lazy
It would be great for him to take a months shared parental leave, you go back to work for a month or do a course or something but stay out the house full time
Then tell him hes not allowed to go the the gym/hobbies/socialising

Finding a gym with a crèche was an absolute life line for me on mat leave. It was a council run gym in Peckham so nothing posh, but you could do an hour of exercise and leave the baby with some sweet old ladies in the crèche.

Please ignore all the equal time people.

you are home with the kids parenting 24/7, its not unreasonable to want or need a break.

will you be returning to work shortly? Could you start baby on taster/intro sessions at nursery and as an interim use the time for gym or even get a parent/friend to watch baby for an hour. I know it doesn’t solve the hubby problem but it does solve the ‘you need a break’ problem. Sometimes your mental health matters more than these ‘you must have equal time down to the exact minute’. Being in a relationship is a partnership & a being part of a team, sometimes its not equal but the other is there to pick up the slack in times of need and vice versa. Thats what happens when you support people.

talking of returning to work, is that also something to be considered in terms of family time around DH’s shift work

I like to read these threads to my 14yr old son.
If a young teenager can understand why a mum to an 11m old might need 3 hours a week to themselves your husband might need to give his head a wobble.
Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Of course they should get equal time.

Yes she is home all day with baby while he works all day. But arguably she could do home workouts when baby is asleep if its just the fitness thing. If its time away from the house and baby she needs then of course she should get it. But its unfair not to say that he should also get that if he doesn't already.

Why it is fair that he goes to to work all day, then comes home and gets handed the baby straight away 3-4 times a week if he doesn't also have any time to decompress at another time?

Does your husband ever mind the baby on his own? I think 3 times a week is reasonable - he can do an activity a few times too!

I joined a gym with a Creche when I was on maternity leave and went during the afternoons. With no family nearby this really helped give me a break.