AIBU to want regular gym time while on maternity leave?

[AgileMintShaker]

My husband works shifts that includes evenings nights and weekends, I am on maternity leave with second baby girl who is 11 months old and still breastfeed through the night. She is a difficult needy baby so I am desperate for some alone time when he is home and can watch the baby. I am on a health kick trying to go to the gym 3 times a week. He is saying that I am being unreasonable and not spending time with him/the family that I just ‘can’t wait to get away’ to have one hour at the gym 3 at a push 4 times a week. AIBU to prioritise this for both my mental and physical health? How do I settle this without compromising my important time to myself?

You are being unreasonable because you are not communicating with your husband and trying to find a balance. You are asking strangers on the internet for validation instead of looking for peace in your marriage. This won’t end well.

We all need our own time, how much own time does your partner have between work and family life?

Thank you for the replies, I needed a balanced view as I was in my head too much. There’s no creche at the gym but this is a great solution, I may look to join one of these instead. He sometimes gets alone time but granted not as ‘dedicated’ as my few hours are. He might have a run here or a weight workout there- however trains daily in the gym at work. I think when you’re on maternity leave it’s so hard just looking after a baby you can’t see the wood for the trees. My baby is a nightmare sleeper and barely goes down for a proper sleep unless on me so it is quite tricky to fit in a workout and then I feel totally touched out when he’s finally home. I hear what people are saying though and I think homework outs are great- must try to settle her into the cot more for naps.

I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t this the whole point of AIBU? What I gain from a varied opinion is providing a conversation I can have with him to resolve this.

I hear what you’re saying, but isn’t this the whole point of AIBU? What I gain from a varied opinion is providing a conversation I can have with him to resolve this.

He sometimes gets alone time but granted not as ‘dedicated’ as my few hours are. He might have a run here or a weight workout there- however trains daily in the gym at work.

So he does get time for himself and he should understand your wish to do something for your own fitness as well as your MH.

When he is in the gym at work how does that work out for time? Does it mean he leaves earlier or gets home later?

No. Using strangers as a weapon against your husband is not ideal. My husband also works shifts and if I was dipping out three times a week I’d never see him or the kids.

If you want to know what comes from being unable to communicate with your husband and running to everyone else for opinions let me know. I’m 45 and I’ve had my own marriage fail and I’ve seen few others dear to me fail as well.

My youngest (of three) is 13m old and, like your baby, likes to feed all night instead of sleeping, so I totally get your need for a break!

I do think that three or four evening gym sessions is potentially quite a big chunk of your shared evening time though? I’m not sure how old your eldest child is, but mine go for their bath at half six, so going to the gym between husband returning from work and getting kids sorted would take up all of our evening “family time”. Going out for over an hour after bedtime would be tricky as the baby would be guaranteed to wake up. 🙈

I tend to go for a 5k run a couple of evenings a week, which only takes 25 mins - a home workout could also be good as there’s no commute time. Husband goes to his sport one evening a week. I do a longer gym class that I love on a weekend or we take it in turns to do a longer run.

I returned to work this week, but whilst on maternity leave I did most naps with baby in the sling and felt I got quite decent me time walking around with a sleeping baby whilst listening to a podcast. Don’t know if that might be an option?

I think 4 trips to the gym a week is quite a lot. Would you both still be able to function as a family if he did the same? Does he get 3-4 hours a week to work out? Can you go twice but then plan in 2-3 hikes with baby in a carrier during the day? That way you’re still working out, but you aren’t constantly shops passing in the night, particularly if he has tricky sleep patterns.

She spends all day with the baby and he needs the time to unwind? He's had a whole baby free day. And yes as soon as DH was home he was passed the baby and I went somewhere else to clear my head. I was the one who needed to unwind more as looking after a baby all day is actually harder than most jobs. I went to work for a break!

It turns out he gets gym time every day at work.

I’m sorry who are you to say her baby doesn’t need breastmilk at night ??!! I think she knows when her own baby needs milk.
I’m a GP and another of three breastfed boys and I would say more often than not 11m old babies need breastfeeding at night.
the usual tired blame-breastfeeding-for-everything narrative

I think it's great that you are focusing on your health and well-being, it enables you to care for your children well I think. I think 4 times a week is a lot though, there's not a huge amount of family time and if you both took time out for yourself 4 times a week there would be very little family time left.

Tbh I think it depends on the time you're going. 3-4 times a week is not excessive, but if that means you're out of the house for 4 evenings some weeks while he's solo parenting/doing bedtime alone as soon as he's back from work, then yes I think that's a bit much.

I think 2 times during the week (maybe one morning/one evening) and 1 or 2 times at the weekend around family life would be reasonable. And he should have the same time to himself as well.

But he has been at work all day. BOTH are working hard, both have had tough days. Why does one need override the other?

And I was not saying NOT to go to the gym, I agreed that it is something that should be done. But it goes both ways. BOTH in a couple need to respect each others role within the family and support one another. Therefore both get time to unwind and have some time to themselves.

YANBU at all.

Biggest regret during my maternity leave is not joining a gym with a creche. Would have improved my mental health no end.

Its good that he does. But he has to fit that in around his day job and go on his break. So arguably maybe OP should do that too? Look to find a gym with a creche so that she can go during the day, or just go to the gym 2 nights a week and do workouts from home.

There are fair solutions. Working full time is hard, raising a baby at home is hard. BOTH are tough so couples need to work together to find fair solutions to both.

I say this as a SAHM to both my girls where my DH worked full time. I loved to run and DH loved to cycle. We both worked time to ourselves into our family life. I got a run buggy and would run during the day with the baby in the jogger but I also did a longer run by myself at weekends where DH had the children. My DH would cycle at weekends to and would cycle to work and back.

There are solutions that are fair to both sides.

Depends on the baby. Some are easier than others. Having a velcro baby who doesn’t sleep is awful.

I have always found going to work 1000x easier than looking after my babies on mat leave. Still applies when having them at weekends at 5 and 2.

I think it’s quite finely balanced depending on more context than you’ve given, but I do think if the husband wanted to go to the gym four times a week, people would say he was unreasonable. Does he get time for gym/other activities too or is he just work and home with baby? If not, perhaps having more of a trading system could help? I’m currently on mat leave with my second and often my husband takes both kids out on a Saturday morning, I take both out on a Sunday morning.

When my dd was that age, we could not have managed for each of us to have 3-4 hours a week of solo recreation time. Some families and babies are different.

if you can’t both get the time though, the request isn’t reasonable.

"He trains daily at the gym at work." So he gets to work out, but you don't?
That doesn't feel fair.
Everyone needs time alone, for hobbies or interests. I don't think going to the gym 3 times a week is unreasonable. But maybe he feels like he doesn't get the same "free" time? I'd work out a schedule so you both get that time per week to do whatever brings you joy.

The thing with trains at work could be he uses his lunch break to do this.

What he means is he doesn’t want to have to parent his own child when you are away!

You both have the right to exercise. He is scheduling it into his day, you should be able to schedule it into yours. Being on maternity leave doesn’t mean you need to be with baby 24/7, it’s means during working hours of your partner, you are caring for the baby as a childminder/nursery is not suitable so young. Outside of those, it’s a joint responsibility and time can be carved out for time along - whether that’s seeing friends, a solo walk or a trip to the gym. He is getting that time at the gym, so should you, you’re just flexing around his work and gym hours

He trains daily. That means you should be able to train a few days a week. I’d say this should be really special time for you and baby to bond just the two of you and walk out.