To think he doesn’t need permission to go away?

[thinkprint]

Been with my DP for several years. We don’t have kids and don’t live together.

He recently told me he’s going on a stag weekend in August.

I was talking to a friend today and those dates came up, and I mentioned that was the weekend DP would be in Ibiza.

My friend looked aghast and asked why I’d said yes when he ‘asked’ to go. I said he didn't ask and I wouldn’t expect him to.

She thinks we are showing a ‘lack of respect’ to each other for not asking if we can go away before we decide to do so, and thinks it’s awful he’s going.

Am I missing something? AIBU to think he doesn’t need to consult me or ask permission?

There’s a difference between asking permission and a heads up that they are going to book something and checking there is nothing important going on during those dates.

That's her insecurity to deal with, she's projecting it on to you, just ignore her

Well I would have expected to be told before booking thats not asking for permission it’s just decency

I’ve been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids and we still don’t “ask permission” to go away.

we do check our shared calendar and have a chat about it in case anything has been missed or to ensure logistics for the kids can be worked out.

but we never “ask” if we can go away or do something

Its not often you see a post from an absolutely normal person on mumsnet, especially of late.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. He definitely doesn’t need your permission

Exactly this

If they were living together however, ad sharing their lives, I wouldn’t like him going on a stag do because we all know what goes on there and he will bow to peer pressure. There was a thread recently on MN and nearly all the posters were against the husband going on a stag do.

But would your partner go on a stag do?

But they’re much more likely to do so on a stag do abroad. Everyone knows what goes on and they all join in!

If he wanted to he would. It’s just a weekend away for a purpose. He’s been to two away stag weekends in the last two ish years. More one overnight ones in local cities.

I dont understand why a stag do would be different to any other occasion.

Do we all know what goes on? All the ones I've been aware of recently seem to involve lots of adrenline fuelled sport in remote locations.

Exactly!

Yes, it’s definitely for a purpose!

It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. Being controlling over your partner & ‘not letting them’ go away with friends is controlling and bizarre.

love the daily reminder of how anti men mumsnet is

It’s odd that the other thread on stag dos had the opposite reaction to this one. If some goes on a stag do and get up to all kinds of mischief as a supposedly mature married man, or committed partner that would be the end of the marriage for me. I couldn’t stop someone going , but the fact he’d want to go on one would be a red flag for me!

I wouldn’t “ask” my DH of 18 years! I would tell him and discuss if he’d be ok managing everything on those dates so he can put it in his work diary etc, but I wouldn’t be asking permission!

“All know what goes on there” sorry but that’s ridiculous. I know and trust my DH and he doesn’t bow to peer pressure, he’s a grown man in his 40s not a teenager on his first lads holiday.
Either you trust and respect your partner or you don’t, if you do why would you think it’s ok to “not let them” go on a stag do?

Why do they go on a stag do? They know full well what it involves. They’re not going to be an observer while their mates play away and return with a “souvenir”

Why give headspace to her thoughts and concerns?
if he’s going to shag about he doesn’t need to go on holiday to do it 😂
dh and I don’t ask permission, how infantilising, if I’m going away I’ll let him know what dates I’m thinking of and expect him to check and make sure it doesn’t clash with anything he has going on that he might not have mentioned to me yet but that’s about as far as it goes. And it works the other way, he says ‘I’m thinking of going away in October, are there any dates I need to avoid?’. Done.

I think he should tell you and in a way ask Judy out if is that week ok with you as opposed to can I go. I hate people saying are you allowing him? Or saying why don’t you put your foot down. If a man said that he’d be called every label out there!!

I'm guessing the friend has not had a single good relationship - one built on love and trust - that is very sad

Married 23 years two children (23&16)

We have a shared calendar, we would check there before booking anything. Permission is not really needed, we both grown ups. Husband may say ohh I’ve booked a lot of his hobby - he can work out for himself if he taken the piss. ( he doesn’t) Works both ways, we trust one another and wouldn’t feel the need to question.

If it isn’t in the diary and the other person books something then that’s on the person who forgot.

Both the girls know to add things - ie when eldest at uni what days she may need picking up/dropping of. Or if she going away and we know she not around if we need any help with lifts/dog walks.

We used to have a calendar (paper one) I do miss that in the kitchen with the kids activities etc no it’s all online :)

Why would it affect someone if you lived together but didn't have shared finances or kids?

I booked a trip to Ibiza for next year with some friends. I told dh when he picked me up, amd we have children. He doesn't care. And vise versa.

Same here.