To think he doesn’t need permission to go away?

[thinkprint]

Been with my DP for several years. We don’t have kids and don’t live together.

He recently told me he’s going on a stag weekend in August.

I was talking to a friend today and those dates came up, and I mentioned that was the weekend DP would be in Ibiza.

My friend looked aghast and asked why I’d said yes when he ‘asked’ to go. I said he didn't ask and I wouldn’t expect him to.

She thinks we are showing a ‘lack of respect’ to each other for not asking if we can go away before we decide to do so, and thinks it’s awful he’s going.

Am I missing something? AIBU to think he doesn’t need to consult me or ask permission?

I’m married with dc with Dh and I don’t always check with him before I book to go away. 😂

He would generally check big stuff, but he would probably book something small that was easy to cancel without mentioning it to me. Though he’d also probably rather go for a weekend long prostate exam than a stag do in Ibiza. 🤣

Permission shouldn’t be required (checking whether dates clash etc is common courtesy). However, if the purpose of stag do is to go round strip clubs then I would hope my partner would decline the invitation

100% agree. Before we had kids we would have 1-2 separate holidays with friends most years (ahh the good old days). Never needed to ask permission.

That’s a ‘her’ problem.
Is she in a fragile relationship?

I'm married and I don't ask! We usually just discuss

I would expect my H to check it was convenient and I would show him the same courtesy. That's not the same as "asking permission".
The same way we check in with each other to confirm which days we plan to WFH/in the office each week - try to stagger it so our youngest (age 12) usually has someone at home when she gets back from school and one of us can get started on dinner.

My DP doesn't need to "ask" but I would expect it to be mentioned before it was booked, just to check dates etc and I'd do the same.

If I wanted to go somewhere, I wouldn't accept a man telling me I wasn't allowed because I'd only go and pick up a random for casual sex, let alone a man I didn't even live with.

DP stopped asking for permission once I said 'Only if you get a note from your Mum saying you can go'. I want to be informed in good time, not have it dropped on me a couple of hours beforehand and if it involves a significant expense, I would expect him to check that I agreed it was affordable first, but I am with a fully grown man, not a child.

If you have children that need caring for it's a bit different but otherwise I'm absolutely with you.

Letting you know is polite- but why would he need permission?

She's being daft.
If you lived together or shared finances or had children then you would need to discuss plans because it affects the other but in this situation? No. He doesnt need your input.

Not married, don't live together, no kids, no joint responsibility for anything, like even a pet or "someone needs to be in when the plumber comes", etc? Your friend is nuts. Obviously if there's childcare or whatever to be considered then overnight trips are to be discussed rather than announced, but otherwise...no.

We are married and living together with kids but did the same before that.
Never asking permission but a check that there is nothing else happening etc now it also includes checking the other person is ok with solo childcare and dealing with the kids for however long.

Your friends reaction just says so doesn't trust her partner or that is why she would be going away.

I’ve been married 20 years with teenage kids, and it’s never been a case of asking for “permission”. Running it past each other before booking to check there’s no logistical issues is courtesy and expected but would give short shrift to my DH refusing to “allow” me to do anything!
My mum used to make snide comments about how lucky I was that my DH “let” me go out so much. He’s not my dad or my jailer, I’m an adult with my own money and a fully competent co-parent so why would I need anyone to let me do anything? She unfortunately was only ever in relationships with controlling and abusive men though, so I think that was her experience.

She clearly doesn't trust her partner then

You're not missing anything. If your partner isn't competent enough to know or remember that he's not supposed to shag random people in Spain (assuming you're in a monogamous relationship) then he's not competent enough to BE in a relationship in the first place. But I think you would be better placed than your friend to know if that's the case; it's a weird thing for an outsider to assume.

No, YANBU. You have a healthy attitude towards relationships.
Your friend on the other hand, does not.

I don't think he should need your permission to go away. My husband and I live together, have completely shared finances and a teenager, and he would ask if he could go but that would be to check it was okay with childcare/use of budget, and I would always say yes unless I was already away and then we might need to look into childcare options. I would also wholeheartedly endorse him going on a stag do to Ibiza because I trust him entirely and he wouldn't cheat due to peer pressure/sunshine. In my experience men and women can both cheat in any circumstance if they decide to. Keeping them in their home town is no guarantee. OP, you sound very reasonable and your friend does not.

O think when you have shared responsibilities such as children it’s a different matter. But no, he doesn’t need your permission. But perhaps your friend has different things on her plate and is projecting how she would feel about being left (‘metaphorically or literally) holding the baby?

Shock horror. We are married with children. We also don’t ask permission to go away solo.

A telling insight into her own relationship and insecurities, I would say.

Crikey, is she always this insecure and paranoid?! Don’t let her issues rub off.

There’s a difference between asking permission and a heads up that they are going to book something and checking there is nothing important going on during those dates.

There’s a difference between asking permission and a heads up that they are going to book something and checking there is nothing important going on during those dates.

There’s a difference between asking permission and a heads up that they are going to book something and checking there is nothing important going on during those dates.