To think he doesn’t need permission to go away?

[thinkprint]

Been with my DP for several years. We don’t have kids and don’t live together.

He recently told me he’s going on a stag weekend in August.

I was talking to a friend today and those dates came up, and I mentioned that was the weekend DP would be in Ibiza.

My friend looked aghast and asked why I’d said yes when he ‘asked’ to go. I said he didn't ask and I wouldn’t expect him to.

She thinks we are showing a ‘lack of respect’ to each other for not asking if we can go away before we decide to do so, and thinks it’s awful he’s going.

Am I missing something? AIBU to think he doesn’t need to consult me or ask permission?

Of course he doesn't need permission - you are two competent adults.
I'm a bit worried about your friend tho....

You're a reasonable human being your friend is not. Of course your partner can go away if he chooses! DH and I live together and have a child I'm going away for the weekend soon, I didn't ask his permission but did consult on dates due to ds needing at least one of us to be around

She seems to think that he’s off to shag about and that I need to put a stop to it.

I go away every year with 4 mates. All 4 of us are single and one is married. I love the fact that her husband does not give one flying fig as he trusts her so much.

There’s is a marriage I aspire to. Your friend is being ridiculous!!

For someone that you don't live with or share children with, of course there's no need to ask. You obviously have quite independent lives. If you share children, there's shared responsibilities that need to be considered so it would be something discussed first, but not necessary in your circumstances.

We are long term married and we dont ask we check with the other to make sure one of us hasn't booked anything important but we dont ask because we are not on leads

If he's going to shag someone else he doesn't need to be in Spain to do it, so you can't 'stop him' and adults don't need permission to go on holiday. They need to ensure they meet their responsibilities which can involve discussion and agreement with partners around child care etc and with work places etc, but that's completely different to getting 'permission'.

If you have young kids then yes I would ask because you are leaving your kids with the other person. If you live together it’s common courtesy to mention it so you know what’s happening but not really ask as such .

Does she think he’s your child? We’re married with children and we don’t ask, we
just double check the calendar first, book ourselves for whatever it is and then let the other one know.

Why are you bothered about what your friend thinks?

In your situation neither of you need permission. That only becomes relevant when you share children or have joint finances that could be impacted.

I’d hate to ever be in a position where one partner had to ask permission. You’re not his mother.

You ask if you have kids as obviously the other person has to pick up the slack. Otherwise I’m confused.

I would run the date past my DH to check it didn’t clash with anything he might have planned, but I wouldn’t ask permission and he wouldn’t expect me to.

She’s being ridiculous. If I go away I speak to DH because we have children and need to be sure that he’s got no plans, and he does the same. If we had no DC we wouldn’t be asking!

Permission.... No.
Confirming the plans arent in conflict eith anything else and you arent ducking out on responsibilities... Yes.

DH is going to a music festival in a few weeks and one of his friends still hasnt told his wife... theyve had the tickets for months (its a week long trip abroad). No children fortunately...

I’m going to Ibiza with friends in the summer. I didn’t ask dh permission.

If there are young children, then I think either partner should ask if the other partner is ok with them going away.

But it would be crazy to ask permission when there are no children involved, even more so as you don't even live together.

There’s a difference between asking permission and checking that a trip doesn’t clash with anything that would need negotiation. One is controlling. The other is teamwork.

"Permission" in this house is checking therefore no clashes, or its not going to cause a massive problem for someone.

The location / people etc aren't part of the equation. Its simple logistics.

She seems to think that he’s off to shag about and that I need to put a stop to it.
Tell her that men who are going to shag about don't need to leave the country to do so.

I think your friend is reflecting - does she shag about when away?

Permission no but checking with your partner before booking is common courtesy I think.

We ‘ask’ each other if dates work because organising the kids is an effort with multiple schools and clubs (DDs special school transport is a job on its own atm), but we don’t ask permission to go away specifically.

The only person I know who actually asks their partner is someone who needs their partner to mind their children that aren’t his.

There’s two things here.
First she thinks he should have asked.
Second she thinks you should have said no.

I think “asking” is reasonable - not in a “please can you grant permission” kind of way but in a “can I just check there’s no reason I can’t go” kind of way. Where really the only reason to say no would be some prior commitment they’d forgotten, or a financial reason if you have shared finances and would normally discuss that amount of money. And even then I’d say it would be a discussion not a “no you don’t have permission”.

Her being aghast that you haven’t forbidden him from going is weird.