What traits did your neurodivergent daughter show as a toddler?

[user2466]

Posting on AIBU for traffic.

Hi,
Just wanted peoples experiences are of neurodivergence during the toddler stages.
For context, my DD is 2.5 years old, her dad is being assessed for ADHD and autism, and my sister and nephew both have autism and ADHD too.
Nursery did some screening for speech and language today and DD scored low for her age and low for the age below. We got talking and I mentioned the family history and nursery said although they can’t make a diagnosis (she’s too young for one anyway) she does see some early neurodivergence traits but can’t say for sure if it is that.

I know many people believe you shouldn’t ‘label’ toddlers but I think sometimes you can just tell (without using it as a label).

What traits did your DD show during the toddler stage that made you think ND?

@Overthebowbless her, my DD is cvery high energy too. Cannot sit still at all.

Does nothing help in terms of her sleep? Is it falling asleep or early mornings that she struggles with? I’m really worried about school too. I don’t want to wish time away because she’s only two but as a mother you can’t help but worry especially as not everyone is kind out there and the realisation that you can’t always be there to protect them is awful

Sorry if derailing thread, as I have a DS rather than DD anyway but was interested! Does your DD also have an ASD diagnosis? This is such an accurate description of my Year 1 child!

Falling asleep, she doesn’t sleep until quite late and then has to be up for school. She was the same as a baby we would struggle for hours trying to get her to go to sleep.

I would recommend gymnastics, it has been very good for her and being so high energy she is good at it. It’s one sport where ADHD traits are a positive. It’s also helped her to make friends as some of her classmates go too, and gives her something to play in the playground if she’s struggling to interact.

Spoke clearly very early so she could argue with her sister. But wouldn't even look at somebody she knew if she saw them outside the usual environment. Unafraid around (comparatively) great hulking Beavers and Cubs when she went with her Grandfather, who was Akela. Told me when she was about six that the reason she didn't talk to anybody was because she didn't actually like them, but whereas she had to get along with them at school, she didn't have to outside.

Very good at sorting, maths, pattern recognition.

Decided that homework was an abomination. Work was for school, not home. But would do anything interesting as long as it didn't come in a bookbag or had 'XXX Primary and Nursery School' stamped on the inside cover.

Wouldn't entertain any questions about her day. That was school, it was nothing to do with home.

Physically active, constantly retrieving her from a crumpled heap where gravity had overtaken her confidence. Loved climbing.

Absolutely lost the plot if a sock felt wrong.

Hated transitions, so if some idiot her father switched on the TV in the morning, she would drop to the floor like she was made of lead at the prospect of leaving, drag her feet, run off, drop to the floor if touched.

As she got older, became almost permanently attached to a squishy set of headphones - didn't realise it was to drown out the noise of others.

Didn't get diagnosed until late teens because her father didn't believe in that sort of thing and actively prevented referral for assessment.

Extremely poor sleep - max 4 hours every 24
A screamer, nothing could comfort her especially as she didn't like being touched / held
Walking by 9 months but totally disinterested in potty training
Significant issues around food - texture. Narrow diet until we realised she was a vegetarian (still is nearly 30 years later, we're not)
Hypermobile and apparently very strong (because she wasn't processing pain)
Walked funny, didn't use her heels, caused strain and couldn't feel
High maintenance. We didn't have a TV anyway. Would whistle through planned activities. Always looking for something else to do. Could get frustrated with her older siblings
Would get locked on to things. Went through a period of being frightened of bugs so had to avoid grass, thought all water had bacteria in it so we had to boil and cool, generally an OCD response to 'dirty'
Struggled to make friends because she found 3 year olds that didn't understand infinity completely boring

She was our third. We ended up sending her to a specialist crèche facility and advancing her a year in school. She now has a high powered career but lives at home because she needs additional support. She's engaged. Been with her partner for years. He's 'hand smart' but failed everything at school. They make a good pair in terms of strengths and support required.

Climed everything, even the verticle radiators. Couldn’t tidy, had to have everything on show, still doesn’t have doors on the wardrobe at 18.

As a toddler - delayed speech, prolonged tantrums/meltdowns, didn’t play with toys.

Primary age - watched, followed and copied peers. Gave the impression of thriving - excelled in sport, art and music.

Age 16 (now) - crashed out of school in year 7 with very poor mental health and diagnosed shortly after. Home educated, doing incredibly well, very articulate and intelligent. Very good at maths, art and music. Doesn’t like exams. Socialises in small bursts at shared activities. Very close with siblings (also ND).

Now... she still follows every rule and is still very easy to parent and a real blessing.

She needs help managing anxiety, her time, organisation and lots of patience and reassurance. Change is managed carefully.

Very specific clothes

Limited interests and definitely no sport (except trampoline). Supportive environment needed for hobbies.

School trips and sleepovers still difficult for her.

Also diagnosed dyslexic and DCD. Riding a bike very challenging. Needs patience with dressing, laces, using knife and fork.

Has minor adjustments at school but is excelling academically. E.g maths competitions, top sets in most things, SATS scores pretty much 100%

Bilingual and loves languages

Still a rule follower so anxious if anyone breaks rules and does pretty much nothing naughty or rude ever! She's a teenager now.

Has adult interests she shares with parents e.g bird watching and hiking. Never moans - unlike her NT sister lol

Lots of friends

Basically she is a wonderful person op. Try not to worry :)
She's definitely got a spikey profile my girl.

Very delayed poor speech, but I didn't think about it. She is extremely bright, focused and academically successful despite sever language issues up to about 5. She still has some word retrieval issues but she covers it well.
Perfectionism in work and clothes.
Very competitive.
Disliked the houses of friends that had noisy siblings.
Liked to relax after school.
Nothing I believed strange to be honest.
Never got involved in any school girl drama.
Very relaxed and chilled, made friends easily.

Now... its slightly complicated by also having dsylexia. But...

Extremely good at STEM subjects. (But struggles with English etc).

Does sport climbing and bouldering. Known for her persistence, would do the same climb repeatedly if allowed to master it.

Still very quiet.
Has a solid group of friends. Never really been bothered by bullies as she didnt react. (Except hitting a boy pulling her hair in Yr1, she thumped him apparently!)
Can become obsessive over keeping things ordered.

Didn't speak until 4 or 5, didn't speak to adults until she was 8ish.
Repeated words e.g. when getting dressed socks would go on "my feet feet" not just foot.
Communicated in dinosaur roars, different roars meant different things.
Late walking. Poor gross motor skills.
Poor fine motor skills.
Screamed a lot.
Didn't sleep, and I don't mean in the way parents generally moan about their baby/toddler not sleeping, she actually did not sleep. I was ill from sleep deprivation.
Hated strangers, would lean out of the pushchair to attack strangers walking too close.
Could break anything she touched.
Car seat escape artist.

That was a fun few years!

Now...not much different but less squealing and more teenage hormonal screaming sessions.

I wrote a long post but it failed to post.

In brief extremely bright and advanced.
Never slept.
Very difficult to pacify.
Not diagnosed until adulthood mainly due to excelling at school,
ADHD was the remit of the ‘naught boys.’

As for being an adult.
Finds she has to mask a lot which is tiering.
Very, very successful. A job most people could only dream of. Works very hard though, and in a man’s world. Successful in part down to intelligence and bluntness, ability to cut through niceties and get straight to the point. Doesn’t deal in pleasantries unless it serves a purpose.

Can see straight through what is needed and what is bs.
A delightful daughter who has lots of friends. Doesn’t give a f* about the people who dislike her, they are of no consequence as she sees through people, and has the ability to be an excellent judge of character.
A perfectionist which made life difficult at times.
Extremely loyal and kind. I would trust her with my life.
In short I’m proud of her and proud of myself because she was hard work as a child. I never had a moments peace!
Now she is my best friend.

Adhd daughter...nothing stands out about the toddler years.

None that I noticed. As she grew became obsessed by her hobby but that was it, academically just above average, was sociable until puberty. Struggled with friends after 12 or so. Her doctor thinks she likely ND and has referred but it could be a while for assessment.
DS1 I thought so from a young age but as intelligent ,academically able, and very sporty it was dismissed. Now diagnosed Bipolar and ASD..
Ds2 just diagnosed in 30s was quirky but nothing that school or I noticed.

Now: DD has navigated OCD and anxiety but has emerged through it as a wonderful, rule following, highly academic girl who is getting on well at school and told me she definitely wants to leave our town for university. She finds socialising hard work apart from a few people but has hobbies and loves music and drama. Her memory is phenomenal for books and scripts and rubbish for timing and common sense. She is so polite, never pushes my buttons (unlike her NT sister) and is kind, empathetic and really resilient, even when things are tricky.

My DD is 18 now, only diagnosed at 15. She's an only child so I had no frame of reference. As someone else mentioned, you parent the child you've got. All those years ago, how autism and ADHD present in girls was less known.

She's an avid reader, incredible learner. Champions the underdog. Very strong opinions. (I think she'd be a fantastic human rights lawyer but she's decided her career lies in publishing).
Doesn't hold back and can be comedic without necessarily realising.

Struggles with social interaction - she doesn't have any close friendships as she can't make that initial approach.
Needs clear, unambiguous instructions.
Has high anxiety - removing her from secondary school helped but so much damage was done, it took a couple of years to repair - and OCD. Many rules around food and eating - it worsened with burnout, improved last year, gets worse with stress.
Needs a lot of downtime. Will shut down if overwhelmed out and about. Will meltdown at home, has had violent outbursts although we seem to be past the worst.

She's far from an easy child to parent and the teenage years have been so hard - you can't just step in to help them out. She's a truly wonderful human, compassionate, clever and funny. She needs more support than others her age and being late diagnosed has meant we haven't been able to access things that might have helped sooner (support groups etc). We also seem to live in a bit of a support blackspot - a few miles south or east would make a huge difference!

I wouldn't change her for the world though. I love her with my whole being.

Speech was okay but dribbled a lot. Squeezed her face when excited. Very difficult to potty train. Lots of sensory seeking so loved water play, play doh, swinging on swing, putting stuff in mouth. I know a lot of toddlers like them things but this was to a higher level!

Seemingly very sociable- in fact, too sociable, inappropriately sociable. Where other children would hang back, shy, she was bouncing up to complete strangers. She was later dignity PDA, which is known as the "social autism". She was basically role playing - at home she was actually very quiet.

She also seemed to have great creative play skills, but it was repetitive and bossy. This is another feature of PDA. They like to be in charge and love playing teacher, vet, waitress, with teddies or animals as their props. Other children mess up their games by not doing what they are told and so they get cross with them. My daughter was great at attracting friends but not good at keeping them.

Hated messy play, crafts, dressing up (unless on her terms).

Terrified of characters in costumes - trip to Disney was really challenging.

Very strong food issues. Loved swing parks.

It seems the posts about autism may be more relevant to you, but just in case you want to hear from an ADHD perspective: DD, who is now a young adult, has ADHD (both inattentive and hyperactive). She was a fractious baby who struggled to sleep and didn’t feed or eat well. She learnt to speak early and hasn’t stopped talking since 😂 She was very articulate and well-spoken from a young age (which didn’t come from me or DH!) and had some quite quaint, poetic turns of phrase. She had EPIC tantrums as a toddler, which were impossible to manage and damaged my sanity. She continued to resist sleep through toddlerhood, and was always up at 5.30/6.00, ready for the day and talking at about 200 words a minute.

In school, she masked. She did find it very difficult to sit still and focus, but social expectations; fear of getting in trouble and love for her teachers meant she could force herself to stay in her seat most of the time. She loved learning but also talked far too much in class which distracted others.

She got diagnosed aged 19 after a few difficult years with an Eating Disorder and total disengagement from A levels.
She’s doing fine now, aged 20. Has worked hard since she left college, and is starting University in Sept 🙂

I didn't know twirling your hair was a stim. I used to do that as a kid. Don't anymore but I often am touching my hair a lot at times. Used to get night terrors too.

Funny you bring up people dressed up at theme parks, I used to be terrified of them as well even as old as 10! I'd probably still be scared now even haha.

I'm not ND although this is making me think about it a bit...

Daughter diagnosed with ASD aged 13; there was nothing as a toddler that suggested neurodivergence.

It can be, but it’s also quite common for NT people to have stims too. It’s more when it’s that plus lots of other traits that it becomes something more.

She was painfully shy, wouldn’t go to anyone other than a handful of people. Speech delay. She would rock when she was tired. Very poor with food. Mute at nursery and then school.

Interesting! My only experience of someone stimming is a boy at school who used to flap his arms. Looking back he was definitely on the spectrum. I didn't realise there was such a range. Wouldn't surprise me if I was on the spectrum as well. Definitely had some repetitive behaviours.

Lots of posters have answered your original question so I hope that has helped you. However, I just want to reassure you that although being neurodivergent presents many challenges and it can sometimes be hard trying to fit into a world geared to the neurotypical majority, it also has lots of positives and it is absolutely possible to live a fulfilled life.

My late husband, me and all 3 of our (now adult) children are ND. Our oldest son has ASD (like my Dh); dd has AuDHD (like me); and youngest son has ADHD. All 5 of us graduated and have/had rewarding careers.

I won’t pretend life is always easy, especially when there was no acceptance or understanding of neurodivergence when we were growing up and we couldn’t understand why we found life so overwhelming, exhausting and confusing at times. However, my husband and I were very happily married for 44 years. We loved each other deeply, and shared amazing honesty and loyalty far beyond that of most NT couples I know. Furthermore, we accepted each other’s ‘quirks’ unconditionally, long before we found out about our neurodivergence and finally understood the reasons for many of our struggles. I now have 5 beautiful ND grandchildren, who I wouldn’t change for the world.