NC with sister DM keeps getting upset

[Givenup2026]

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet (hopefully not a drip feed). I went NC with my sister three years. Probably one of the best decisions of my life. It’s multi factorial, as I have suspected autism (so never felt real attachment) and we’re just completely different people so I’m always on edge around her.

anyway, my DM is visiting and, and my sister has been sending packages so then my DM can give them to her. I eventually got annoyed because well I’m NC and seems to be crossing my boundaries.

My DM got all upset (as she normally does) but I keep telling it’s not her fault but that they should respect my boundaries.

As a side not, she keeps calling my suspected neurodivergence (on a waiting list for diagnosis ) a disease (and that I’m sick) and she has refused to read anything about since I told her I was going to go the formal diagnosis route (a few years ago).

So AIBU about my start sending packages? How about my DH keep getting upset?

I understand it’s not “nice” from her POV, but nobody has really ever even tried to be in my shoes either.

Hiya

In your shoes, I would do that thing of 'protecting my peace.'

Take the packages, say thank you, put them away until the visit is over and then get rid of them.

It is easier than you think to do this - if you don't expect any help from them, or any understanding, or to have a conversation with them about why, do they believe you, do they support you.

Do your best and be creative and minimise the disruption on the matter - listen, grey rock, then turn the conversation away - do not engage, do not try to get them to understand.

Good luck x

Sorry, I’m confused about the packages. Where is your sister sending the packages to, and who are they for? Why is your DH upset?

Sorry it’s my DM who gets upset not my husband!

and the packages are for my sister. She sends them here, because my DM is visiting and will
eventually give them to her

Sorry my last paragraph is a typo it’s my mother who gets upset!!

So you didn't have some awful falling out, or she's been abusive to you. More you're just different people and you don't have an statement? At least that's what I'm getting from your OP.

In that case, honestly I feel very sad for the situation, and for your sister and mum. You don't have to be super close and spend lots of time together, but your actions sound cruel to me. Obviously there may be a lot more to it, but if not, wow.

I think you are well within your rights. The problem is everyone else in the story also has the right, as they see it, to continue “normal “ interactions and have strong emotions about you. YOU have gone NC with sister but she has not gone NC with you, if you see what I mean.

I like what a previous poster said: just protect your peace. Ignore their intentions or habit of intruding on your mental space. Just either take the packages without comment or turn them away without comment.

Oh no, she hasn’t been great, some of the highlights are:

She dated my bully (who destroyed my self esteem) and then wanted to tell me everything about her intimate life with him.

Every now and then she’d say that I needed to be sectioned.

She told me I only got close to my uncle for the money (and I deeply loved him and still miss him to this day).

She told me I was awful mother (before she even was one).

She tried to force a prenup when I married my exH.

She once just turned Rapunzel off because she was a terrible role model for my daughter (my daughter was like 2 and I know this is very minor).

She once called me a thief in my own house.

I'm confused about the packages tbh.

If the packages are sent to your mother who is staying in your home then they are none of your business (unless she is sending crates of fertilizer). Just hand the package to your mother and move on.

If the packages are being sent to your mother to give to you the easiest thing to do is accept them and stick them in a bedroom unopened and stop thinking about them.

your mother IS going to be upset if her two daughters aren't talking. You may be happier and that's great but she will not be. Personally if there was no big falling out, no abuse just "completely different people" I'd be devastated if one of my daughters didn't talk to the other. But there would be nothing I could do about it. Just as there is nothing you can do about your sister sending your mum parcels. Keeping to your boundaries also means understanding what is your boundary and what is someone else's. You can't stop your sister. You can't make your mum have the response you want. All you can do is manage your reaction to her actions.

Well she doesn’t address them to my DM, she addresses to me (which I get is a technicality) but ultimately nobody knows about these packages (or how many they are) but I’m still ultimately responsible as they’re being sent to me.

My sister once got annoyed because I lost one, but I also moved house, and even lost some of my own stuff!

I’m confused - your sister sends packages to your house, so your mum can give the packages - back to your sister?? Why doesn’t your sister have the packages sent to herself? Did I miss something?

She lives in a different country, and wants to avoid more expensive delivery charges and customs (or at least that’s what we think).

But also, reading your updates, if they’re addressed to you - if you know for definite they’re something you haven’t ordered, refuse them if you can.

Ah ok that would make sense. And a bit cheeky of her sending them to your address when you don’t speak.

Exactly! and we’ve already lost track of how many she’s sent, etc… and I told my DM they’re not my responsibility and that my sister is crossing some boundaries.

This

Your poor mum

I wouldn't accept the packages. Good decision to go NC, she sounds awful. Tell your mother to button up her tears. Don't be used nor manipulated. I definitely wouldn't have my address used by someone who called me a thief.

I’ve already mentioned some of the reasons in a previous update. My exH used to call her a “complete bitch”.

That’s exactly what I told my DM, that it was a bit rich.

If you mean that you sister is ordering stuff and getting the parcels delivered to your address, just refuse to take delivery. Tell the delivery person on the doorstep that you haven't ordered anything and to take it back to the sender.

Then ignore the massive tantrum from your sister and tears from your mum.

Since when did you agree to be her personal parcel storage service?

So your sister sends packages addressed to you in your home but they are really for herself - she expects you to give them to your mum to keep for her - is that right?

Just refuse to accept them. Or accept a couple and toss them in the back of your wardrobe and when your mum/sister asks about them say "I have no idea at all what you are talking about - I get so many packages" She'll soon stop.

Correct yes!

OP you obviously have a complicated family dynamic and a lot of the posters here won't understand. Your sister sounds like a cow but you're blaming your autism for not having a strong attachment. I have a sister like yours and I have no feelings for her whatsoever. I'd love a proper sister.

My mum and sister hated each other though so actively encouraged me to be NC. My mum was like yours with everyone else in the family though, desperate to keep the peace to the point of being pathetic. Your mum ought to defend you if your sister is mean. Do you find that as an autistic person, you defend others to your own detriment but no-one has your back?

She sounds delightful.

Why can't she send her packages to her own home or a locker? All the small convenience shops near us have this drop off, parcel facility. She can collect them after work or whenever is convenient to her.

It does seem passive aggressive to send them to your home.

Why doesn't your sister send the packages directly to your Mum? Unless your mum also lives in another country, I suppose.

For me it would depend on:
How many packages are there and are they just being sent in time for your Mum's visit...

1. If its continuous.. I'd start returning to sender. and refusing to accept them. Because that means you are storing them long term until your DM's next visit.
2. If its just for this one DM visit, and its only small packages - I'd let it go but if its large packages taking up room for a long period I'd send a message Please stop sending me these packages, I am not a Post Office or a storage facilit any future parcels will be returned to sender. (eg.. I had an elderly relative who transported large scale garden equipment or packs of tiles to another relative which cost them money to transport and they could barely lift. The purchaser could have easily paid the postage... must have saved less than £20 and the items could have easily been purchased in the second relatives home country, they weren't living in a wilderness or desert.

I guess your mum will always wish the two of you got on... You can't change how you and your sister feel about each other, but again it does depend... Is your mum aware of how awful your sister is to you. I completely understand why you are fed up with her. But does your Mum? Is she even handed about it? Or does she take sides? Does she agree some of your sisters actions have been over the top. If token LC would make your mum feel better maybe its worth it.. .now that you know you won't stand for any nonsense from your Dsis.

I think re the diagnosis... your DM doesn't want to think about it because she will feel she should have spotted it and got you help in your childhood ( but maybe it wasn't so easy to spot and to know where to get help for it... its a lot more common now and well known now) I'd maybe leave any discussion or mention of it until you do have a diagnosis, although its a shame that you cant share your worry with your DM... are there other people you could talk to.

However, I don't know how old your DM is but if she is beyond retirement.. you may still need an open channel to your DSis however limited. It depends which one of you is closest to your mum, which one is down as the next of kin, power of attorney etc... because in my experience families who haven't sorted this out in advance find that a health crisis can be hugely magnified at the worst time.

Sorry OP I feel I've not been much help here, but one final thought is, As I get older, Ive found I really do not want to spend time with people who routinely make me feel bad... and so if you don't like the way your sister sees you and see no prospect of her changing the way she treats you, then I think you should devote your time with people who value you.

Thank you it was actually quite helpful.

We all live in different countries, and yes the packages aren’t big, and they’re only sent when my DM is visiting but I do find it a bit of a “violation of my boundaries”, although as a PP said, I have gone NC with my sister but that doesn’t everybody sees it that way.

My DM semi understands certain aspects, but some of others she was a passive witness (for example she was present when my sister told me I only cared about my uncle’s money).

I also thinks she’s taken sides even if she didn’t mean to, and my DM always excuses herself with “I really wanted to have you and wen through a series of treatments to be able to have you…) but my DM is also a bit how to say it, tactless? Two very simple examples, when my sister was planning her weeding my DM said something like “of course I would never miss your sister’s wedding” but she didn’t come to
mine.

She also goes and visits my sister in the middle of winter with snowstorms and probably like an average of -5c but but won’t visit here because “it’s the winter” and I live in the West Country, so it’s always “mild”.

My DM has retired and now travels the world as a hobby. She’s got most things figured out. Obviously the big question is her funeral, but I’ve told her that by the time I get there, it would be too late anyway (the local custom is to either bury or cremate within 48hrs).