NC with sister DM keeps getting upset

[Givenup2026]

I’ll try to keep this short and sweet (hopefully not a drip feed). I went NC with my sister three years. Probably one of the best decisions of my life. It’s multi factorial, as I have suspected autism (so never felt real attachment) and we’re just completely different people so I’m always on edge around her.

anyway, my DM is visiting and, and my sister has been sending packages so then my DM can give them to her. I eventually got annoyed because well I’m NC and seems to be crossing my boundaries.

My DM got all upset (as she normally does) but I keep telling it’s not her fault but that they should respect my boundaries.

As a side not, she keeps calling my suspected neurodivergence (on a waiting list for diagnosis ) a disease (and that I’m sick) and she has refused to read anything about since I told her I was going to go the formal diagnosis route (a few years ago).

So AIBU about my start sending packages? How about my DH keep getting upset?

I understand it’s not “nice” from her POV, but nobody has really ever even tried to be in my shoes either.

`Why didn't your DM go to your wedding? That's pretty huge.

Is your sister expecting your mother to lug parcels to her in a different country every time your mum visits you? Surely there's an easier way to buy things!

It all sounds a bit bizarre, but it might be time to tell your mum that No Contact means precisely that and includes the postal service!

So she refused to come and visit twice within 4 months (as my daughter was born 4 months later).

and yes my sister could buy her stuff and get it delivered (it’s within Europe so she totally can!) but she won’t pay the extra postage and customs.

The more I think about this, the more it seems your sister is taking the proverbial...

Does your mother have a bit of a golden child relationship with your sister? Is it really expensive to get from where she lives to where you do?

Regardless, this is obviously causing you distress and that doesn't seem fair to you.

So... again.. im on the fence here as only you know the exact personalities but

Option 1 - the quiet life. You are NC with Sis, but your mum visits. The packages are small, you keep them all in the same place when they arrive and hand them over to DM, no discussion. (TBH I would probably do this as its much easier and time with your mum is about you and your mum , not all about your annoying sister.) Your sister lives in another country. Your mum in another. At the end of the day, all contact is up to you really. You could just lower your expectations of both of them. Smile and wave when you see Mum for a few days a year and let them both get on with it, whilst the main focus of your life remains your own family.
Option 2 - Give Mum the packages as they are here anyway. But take the opportunity to raise some issues with your mum. Maybe sitting down somewhere quiet not at your house... and go through the list.. but more in a questioning way than attacking way... ie...

• I've always been upset that you wouldn't come to my wedding, but you said you'd never miss Sis's wedding...
• or ...What do you think about the way she said a b or c to me or called me a thief ( this may need follow ups.. Do you believe I am a thief.)
• Or more interestingly.. Mum. Why do you believe I should stay in contact with someone who treats me like this?

Mum.. whilst she keeps sending me packages and then calling me a thief, I'm not willing to be in contact with her. I'm thinking about talking to teens here.. asking how she would deal with the various issues with someone behaving like sis... What would you do in that situation.. and discuss.. You don't have to come to a conclusion.. you can just end with, well I will think about what you've said Mum, what is your take away from this?

However, this could lead to quite an uncomfortable time for both you and your mum. It would ONLY work if it was a calm discussion with no trace of aggression or accusation, more along the lines of wanting to find out what she really thinks and how she would deal with it in your position and why.

I suspect that what you really want is to feel that your DM is on your side, that she sees how unpleasant your sis behaviour has been and understands why you are NC, but as a Mum, I know I would always try to support both parties and try to see both sides point of view and would defer a decision until i knew that. Unless it was overwhelming. I would be working from a point of view of trying to bring siblings back together.

Option 3 - Nuclear. Send the packages back to sender and tell Mum its NC with Sis all the way. If it were me I'd try one of the other options first. But consider if Sis is really doing this to wind you up.. or if she's really dense and really just sees it as a practical way for Mum to collect her packages and can't see any problem with it.. Is it her way of trying to stay in contact without admitting it? I think if I was going to do this... I'd pick up the phone first and say why are you doing this?

So you've got two issues.

1. The lack of support and some of the comments by your Mum which make you feel like you matter less than your Sis.. and your feeling that she supports your sis and not you ( which is only a feeling as none of you are really talking to each other) Which in a way is separate from your issues with Sis and between you and your mum as sis can't control it. But I suspect it may still be the root of your issues with Sis. - there must be a reason why she's so mean to you.. Does she resent you in the same way? Is your Mum the divide and rule type?

2. and your Sis's very mean behaviour towards you. And I can understand this makes you angry and you want the behaviour to go away. there must be a reason why she's so mean to you.. Does she resent you in the same way? Is your Mum the divide and rule type?

Maybe its worth it to get to the bottom of the situation with option 2 - honest talk with mum - but I'm not an expert, so you'd have to think about whether you wanted ot open this can of worms. and maybe there are other options anyway.
Maybe try Option 1 for this visit, unless you see an opening for a talk.. but then see a therapist to discuss strategies for dealing with it for the next visit.

Realistically you need to think - what do I want from my Mum?
What do I expect her to do, even if she agrees Sis is out of order?
In an ideal world What would be the best possible outcome from all this? for me. for Mum and for sis.?

This is a control thing with your sister. Using you and your address as a fxxk you. I wouldn't accept them and I wouldn't engage about them. "I have no idea what you are talking about" on a loop. Don't doubt yourself. See less of your mother if it makes life easier for you.

Unfortunately for better or for worse, my DM is not the want that likes conversations and we’re not necessarily the best ones when it comes to communicating.

For example, about 4 years ago, I went to visit my DM and I also had a cancer scare. My DM got annoyed because of a few different things, (including sending a photo of my DS on the family WhatsApp group) anyway…. She then started shouting at me in the middle of a shopping centre and I obviously just collapsed into tears, and my DM at some point said that there was an ambulance and maybe I could be sectioned too (as you can see there’s a pattern in the family with using MH as a weapon)… anyway the point of the anecdote is that she’s not good at reasoning.

but yes, I could just pass them along (which I do!) but then my DM is a bit older so doesn’t remember everything and she started to be quite adamant that there were more packages. Obviously, I genuinely didn’t know, and told her I also wasn’t keeping track of them, nor cared about them, and that quite frankly were now giving extra aggravation. And that given I don’t speak to my sister it was a bit rich (and out of place) that she was sending me packages to the same house she once called me a thief in.

That has been one of my main issues with her. I think she’s very controlling. I remember a few times when she’d visit and we’d go shopping and my DM offered to buy me something but she wouldn’t shut up about how the things that I liked were horrible or whatever, so I’d end up not buying anything (just to keep the peace).

Even my DM accepts that she’s controlling, but we do come from a culture that gives this as a pass for “caring”. Which obviously I don’t agree with.

I mean, I’m officially diagnosed autistic, and to me this is a matter of whether you think you have a right to control your mother’s business or who she receives mail from. If the packages arrive in your mum’s name, who cares? If they arrive in your sister’s name and you have to accept them, tell her to stop being a cheeky fucker - if she wants your house and your mum to receive her packages, then yes, they need to be in your mum’s name. Because if they’re in your mum’s name, then it’s your mum’s private business and nothing to do with you.

They arrive in my name!

Ok, totally bizarre to me. Yes, your sister is a CF for expecting you to facilitate this if she knows you’re NC. That’s putting you right in the middle and inconveniencing you; I accept packages for people I like, not people I’m NC with. Fuck that noise.

I think people are getting hung up re the packages because OP said “sent” rather than “ordered”. It sounds like she orders packages on line addressed to OP, for the Mum to collect.

YANBU though OP. I would refuse to accept any packages.

Yes that’s exactly what’s happening!

"started shouting at me in the middle of a shopping centre and I obviously just collapsed into tears, and my DM at some point said that there was an ambulance and maybe I could be sectioned too"

Well now I can see where your Sister gets it from
So sorry OP.. They both sound really awful. Neither of them sound like people you could reason with.
Threatening to have you sectioned because they've bullied you into tears is normal behaviour and I do think you need to protect yourself from them.
BTW...Not a legal expert but I believe she has no authority to have you sectioned if you live with your spouse. And that is rather the point. She has no authority over you any more and if someone shouted at me like that in public place... I'd get an uber home and lock the door. Give yourself permission to turn on your heel and walk away.

It would also make me much less worried about DM being upset because you and Sis are NC.

And I also think that having someone to talk to about this in real life would really help you work out how best to deal with it.

I would hand the packages to your mum and say this is the very last time. I will be refusing to accept any further parcels and telling them to take back to sender. They are not my responsibility. If they keep coming they will be binned.

What does your DH think.

My father always threatened my mother with sectioning her and taking us away, so I think that’s where it comes from. Coincidentally my uncle was actually sectioned, so it can hit too close to home.

My DH thinks (or at least used to) try to have a relationship with my sister, but since I’ve gone NC he’s seen how much better of been feeling, so I think he’s changed his mind.

My exH always thought she was a complete bitch and was best to not have her in our lives.

I wok suggest going NC with BOTH your sister and mother as they are both horrible people and your life will be much nicer and less stressful without them in it!!

If it helps at all I am in a similar situation, I’m disabled and forced to tolerate my sibling who I despise for the sake of my aging DM. It’s rough, but I crack on with it. I don’t want my DM to die but I look forward to telling sibling to get to fuck, permanently

I just genuinely want her to stay away from my life.

Yeah me too! Couldn’t care less if I never saw her again

OP has already said that the parcels arrive addressed to the OP. It's a complete overstep.

I would tell your mum that you'll be refusing all parcels from your sister from now on and just do that. No exceptions. It's just an attempt by your S to insert herself into the situation. Your mum sounds like a handful too.

I totally agree, they sound like 2 peas in a pod.

id start getting my own parcels delivered in my dh or child’s name so that you know all parcels delivered in your name is from your sister and you can return to sender and not accept. She’s got a cheek!

TBF my DM did try her best with had life gave her. A mother who abandoned her to actual strangers, then marrying my father who was violent and abusive…. She just wanted a normal, happy family.

Low contact would be far better than no contact. You said you deeply loved your uncle but earlier you said you don’t really get attached to people because of autism.

Yes, in my whole life I’ve only ever loved my DM, my uncle, my nanny, the “gardener” (who came with the house so to speak), my husband, my 2 children and all of my dogs and cats. Oh and one friend.

Ive certainly have never felt anything for the rest of my family

If you love those people you have done very well in life as your father, mother, and sister have been vile to you. You have worked hard, it seems, to thrive and live and love. Your mother didn’t—she didn’t treasure and protect you the way she should. Maybe she had a hard life, as you say, but she could have fought for kindness and love for you even so. She has the luxury to do so now, presumably, but is disinclined to listen to you or to be as generous as she is to your sister.

Do what you can to preserve your precious time eith your own family. Let your mother snd sister do their group grope without you. Just refuse the packages and trll uour mother you won’t engage in tax fraud gor your sister.