Financial envy as a single parent

[Hhhr123]

Embarrassed to admit this in real life. Before I get slated that everyone works hard, I do recognise that. However, I spent several years in education with a lot of debt and eventually got into a lucrative career. I met someone who royally screwed me over and although sees our DD, basically leaves everything to me.

DD has started to make ‘proper’ friends at nursery now (almost leaving nursery) which has meant we’ve had some invites to other people’s houses.

There’s no non blunt way to say this but my home is usually not as nice as those I visit and on the face of it these people think me and DD are very well off (based on mine and DD’s dad’s career). Outing if I say what they are specifically.

I just feel a bit… flat? I don’t know really. I’m so aware this is an awful way to feel and I know I need to snap out of this fast. It’s just been hard seeing people in objectively less lucrative jobs with half the stress have immaculate living rooms and massive TVs and plush carpets.. all things I just can’t afford as a single parent so whilst my home is nice it’s quite shabby in places.

The lending ability I guess is greater when there’s two applicants and although my home value wise is worth similar to these people I just can’t afford to furnish it in the same way. Only yesterday I was at DD’s friend’s house and being told they were off on a 4k holiday soon. These things are wildly out of my reach despite being in the top ten percent of earners.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I know it’s an awful way to feel and material things or flashy holidays don’t matter. I suppose I feel bad for DD, mum has the career but she doesn’t get the benefits, if anything she had a mum very focused on work and panicking about being a sole earner. Self pity isn’t attractive, I just needed to let this out somewhere.

Just want to acknowledge your honesty. I think feeling jealous about money/partners/kids/houses is really common and you are truly not alone in any way.

But what to do about it …..it’s the resentment that poisons you. Resentment towards other people, your partner, possibly even yourself etc. I think fighting this is about working hard to be grateful for what you’ve got. As in writing it down over and over again. Reading it every day.

You can’t possibly know what goes on in other people’s lives. The way they are being presented to you and the stories you are telling yourself, will NOT be the truth. Do yon really want these peoples lives?

we see the world through the lenses we have created. You have power to change the way you see things.

My DD is 6 and goes to a village school where every other person is wealthy.We love in a 2 bed above a shop. Her bestie? in a 6 bed detached house where just the "playroom" is bigger than the floorplan of our flat.
Parents have brand new range rovers, Tesla e, go on holiday to Japan, Dubai, Aruba and on safari.... This is in one year.

It sometime helps that the wealth they have is so abnormal it is easy to "make peace" with the difference.

After all, kids don't need massive houses or 4 cars to be driven around in.

Grind come around to ours happily and the mods have fun splashing in puddles and out house is ",fun" because they do stuff like make dens out of cardboard boxes or collect snails from the back courtyard 😂😂

I hear you. I am in a similar position - no input from my children's father - household and family costs are indeed much harder on just one income. If I talk about finances being tight, my friends (2 income households) say they know exactly how I feel because they're really really skint too. Makes me feel like I must really really be on the breadline! I just avoid talking about money now and nod and smile at the "my husband is away a lot so I'm practically a single parent too" comments (their husbands bring in a wage and have a pension and company car so really no, really nothing like a single parent, financially-speaking!)

Nothing wiser to add but you are not alone.

Thanks for the kind replies.

The weird thing is I have no envy whatsoever towards people being in marriages or partnerships, I’m actually quite happy day to day. I just am really struggling with the fact I don’t have the same ability to finance our lives as those who share their lives with someone. People in my line of work typically are wealthy and in glossy homes… I have a nice home but it’s not furnished to high standards. I also would be fearful to get a nice car as it’s just a financial risk I can’t take even though I could technically afford one. I feel bitter about it and like I’m slogging out the hours career wise but actually have nothing much to show for it.

I mean, I'm in q similar position but I'm making a very conscious choice with what I spend my money on.

We live in a smaller house, we have less but it's kept well and it means I can afford to do more with ds. We can do holidays and trips out and while I absolutely have to watch my budget I can afford what we want plus save a little. I'd rather have a smaller mortgage etc and a good lifestyle than a show house and be pinching pennies.

I'd also say that more people than you realise are in a lot of debt. They'll tell you all about the lovely holiday but not that its been financed.

Equally our home is so peaceful, I'm not reliant on a man who could screw us over again, I don't need to pussyfoot round anyone else's feelings etc, our home is a safe and happy place. Plenty of those lovely houses you're in won't have that vibe.

I think it's a case of be careful what you wish for because the grass is always greener but nothing is ever perfect.

Also @HedgehogMugs these aren’t mega wealthy people I’m comparing to! It’s literally two people combined earning similar to me yet their standard of living is much higher as they’re in a couple

@Lavender14 thank you, that’s all very very true and I do need to remember that.

Yes but the point is.... If you have less money, it doesn't make you a bad parent
..and you just don't have the money... It's just one of those things. Make peace with it.

Your child is loved, fed, warm and happy... That's all that matters

My DD went to a private school, almost by accident it was a really good nursery that fed into the school and so we left her there her friends were there by then too. We were definitely some of the poorest parents and our house was definitely one of the shabbiest. I just tried to ignore it and they really didn't seem to care, play dates and sleepovers both ways. You tend to think people look and judge more than they do. Don't worry about it.

And also, the kids DD is friends with
...don't see their parents most days for more than an hour, collected by childminders after staying at after school clubs until 6pm... theyre dragged to ballet, swimming, stage coach etc at weekends...

They barely see their parents....then are flown all over the world on holidays the parents want to go on. Her friend was 4 and taken to South Africa for a week in the October of half term in Reception.... Madness.

Not all that glitters is gold and all that.

I don’t think my post was clear… it’s more that I feel frustrated that my money doesn’t go as far as it would otherwise in a couple. There wasn’t really much point in me taking out the loans and focusing on education as I haven’t actually lived out the life financially that would usually
follow from that.

@HedgehogMugs thank you x

It's an aside but just for perspective. Do you think you might ever meet someone new one day? Is that something you would like?
You don't envy couples in other ways, which I understand. I'm the same.

In the early days of being a heartbroken single parent I wondered if I might meet someone fabulous (and solvent lol) and build with them a better standard of living, the one I hoped I would have when I went to uni, studied, got married etc.

More recently I have found great peace in being single (have never even dated but just came to find that peace organically) and now I see my slight financial precarity as a single parent as the price I'm paying for that emotional freedom and the pride I feel in all I have achieved on my own.

Another friend lives in a massive 5 bed detached, lovely huge garden, again, kitchen bigger than our entire flat etc.

But... They can't go on holiday, they don't go anywhere... because they are mortgaged to the hilt and have 3 expensive cars on finance.

They were absolutely agog that we went in holiday about 5 times last year, where they can't go on holiday at all. We can go on holidays do often because 1. We don't spend all our money on houses and cars,...and 2. We find cheap deals, and I mean CHEAP, staying in a tent in a friends farm, house sitting for a friend by the seaside, caravan park holidays etc.

So her friends will be like "ohhhh we're going to Disneyland yaaaaaY". AND DD will happily say "I went there last summer it was amazing' and the parents look at us all confused lol
Their holiday was spending a week in the main Disney Hotel and having character breakfasts.... Ours? we know someone who works there, so we can get in for free, and spend a night at theirs on their sofa after having driven there on the cheapest ferry possible ha ha

DD lives the camping more than Disney anyway... She sleeps next to the horses field, eats marshmallows af sausages all weekend, goes on a tree swing and plays in a hammock and plays in a tent.... Far more fun than queues of two hours at Disney 😂

@WhereIsAllThisGoing thanks for posting. I don’t know really… I have no interest, or perhaps more accurately no real genuine hope of meeting someone. I simply cannot be arsed to give men any of my time anymore and sadly I don’t fancy women. So probably will stay single!

@HedgehogMugs thank you. I have actually thought about just downsizing and living mortgage free. I’d have a smaller house but would very much be able to furnish it and fly on hol at the drop of a hat!

The thing is, you can be married with the huge house with all the lovely furniture but you only ever own half of it. So if you think about it, if they live in a 4-bed with two adults and two children and you live in a two bed with 1 child, you are actually doing just as well as them. So focus on your security - you never again have to go through the divorce that they might yet go through and lose their homes.

You're in the top 10% of earners prob puts you above most couples combined as many women work part time and many people earn low salaries. You're actually doing really well and should be really proud of yourself. Many single mums live in poverty due to the societal norm of deprioritising women's careers. Your DD has a lot to look up to in my opinion.

I'm also a single mum, earning in top 5% and I'm about to buy a bigger house than most of my friends in couples, but yes I feel a lot of burnout and pressure because of the financial burden of being the only source of income.

Best not to compare as jealousy really is the thief of joy. Focus on what you do have in your life.

We are very similar then. And this sounds trite but some of your attached (and more wealthy) friends will maybe secretly envy you. One person left me stunned once when she confided in me that she felt my children and I were the luckiest people she knew. I'm not saying it's true but it stopped me in my tracks. I didn't see myself as lucky - we got shafted and my children deserved more from their father. But in ways she is right. Sorry, that sounds very grass is greener and cheer up chuck.. maybe what I'm saying is things will look very different in time.

@WhereIsAllThisGoing thank you for sharing. I do have moments where I think this is wonderful, we have our safety together and the days are calm. I can choose what to eat or watch and have space to just be without having to accommodate someone else. I have lots of friends so I am hugely lucky in that way. I don’t know how these plush furnishings and immaculate gardens have managed to put me in a spin this week! Thank you for the perspective, it’s exactly what I needed to hear

@Bunny44 thank you. It’s hard sometimes and it’s very nice to hear comments like this. Congratulations on your new home :)

Im in a similar position, professional, all my friends are rich

whats helping me is trying to really focus on what IS in my control. I can’t make my home bigger but I can make it more decluttered and better decorated, and I can make myself and my child better groomed and dressed. And also we can do holidays, they’re not as luxe but they’re still fun.
I dream of a huge eat in kitchen with island and bar stools and bifold doors into a lush garden with Ibiza style furniture and a big lawn for my son to run around on. Crucially I don’t think my friends who do have this are objectively happy they have some kind of husband drama or health issue or work thing that’s making them unhappy too. So I try not to hold my breath and try to see the good in what I’ve got - I have a stable clean safe home even if it’s a flat, and my son and I have so many fun adventures and on my death bed I’ll be dreaming about them not how nice my loft conversion is.

I also think it helps to think ‘would I trade a bigger home for having to live with her husband and spend Xmas with his family and having to discuss my Botox budget with him and clean his smelly socks ‘ etc etc also stops me fantasizing about their great life in their big house!

I think it's natural to compare ourselves to people who seem to be better off than us. When I'm feeling like that I try very hard to recognise my privilege compared to most people in the world. Their relationships may not be happy ones either.

With you, OP. No envy whatsoever over marriages/partnerships but getting into my 50s with no end in sight whilst my married peers are considering retirement….urgh! Not fair at all. But I have peace and freedom and I choose to spend what money I have on travel. And mounjaro. And dresses. And I hang out pretty much exclusively with other single women. Could be a lot worse.