Financial envy as a single parent

[Hhhr123]

Embarrassed to admit this in real life. Before I get slated that everyone works hard, I do recognise that. However, I spent several years in education with a lot of debt and eventually got into a lucrative career. I met someone who royally screwed me over and although sees our DD, basically leaves everything to me.

DD has started to make ‘proper’ friends at nursery now (almost leaving nursery) which has meant we’ve had some invites to other people’s houses.

There’s no non blunt way to say this but my home is usually not as nice as those I visit and on the face of it these people think me and DD are very well off (based on mine and DD’s dad’s career). Outing if I say what they are specifically.

I just feel a bit… flat? I don’t know really. I’m so aware this is an awful way to feel and I know I need to snap out of this fast. It’s just been hard seeing people in objectively less lucrative jobs with half the stress have immaculate living rooms and massive TVs and plush carpets.. all things I just can’t afford as a single parent so whilst my home is nice it’s quite shabby in places.

The lending ability I guess is greater when there’s two applicants and although my home value wise is worth similar to these people I just can’t afford to furnish it in the same way. Only yesterday I was at DD’s friend’s house and being told they were off on a 4k holiday soon. These things are wildly out of my reach despite being in the top ten percent of earners.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. I know it’s an awful way to feel and material things or flashy holidays don’t matter. I suppose I feel bad for DD, mum has the career but she doesn’t get the benefits, if anything she had a mum very focused on work and panicking about being a sole earner. Self pity isn’t attractive, I just needed to let this out somewhere.

I really understand how you feel OP. I often feel similar!

I just think there’s no point feeling rubbish about it as it doesn’t get us anywhere.

Also this. My motivation in living simply but having a good lifestyle is also very much that everything is utterly dependent on my salary. So I'd rather have a smaller mortgage etc but be able to enjoy our lifestyle because that's also easily cut back on if I had to take a job that didn't pay as well. I think there's a very different balance you need to strike when you're a lone parent and the sole income in your household. I'd much rather prioritise that security than the house itself. I think people usually tend to live to their means irregardless of what their income is but when it's just you and you have a child depending on you I think it just is very different.

Op, unlike you, I am probably in the lowest 10% when it comes to salary, I have a very nice house in a good area, which I couldn’t afford on my own, it was the family home and I managed to keep it after divorce.

I know which parts of my house are looking a bit shabby but most people who come to my house wouldn’t be able to notice them or care about them if they did. People think that I am loaded or that my useless ex is keeping me on style as the house’s contents “are” expensive. Little do people know that the vast majority of them have come from charity shops and Facebook market place. I don’t feel miserable about this, it has become some sort of a hobby.

I have more expensive holidays than my married friends (by far) but then I never go to the cinema, I meet with friends 2-3 times a week but I am hardly ever out for dinner probably because I could rarely afford a babysitter when my son was young and I just kept doing the same things, I don’t drink, do not have memberships or subscriptions apart of Netflix, drive a very well cared for 10 year old car, my clothes are mostly from the charity shop and contrary to my expectations there was no change to my face when I moved from exclusively using Clarins face products to Aldi ones.

So I would say, embrace the challenge and hold in there, once your child finishes nursery you will have more disposable income. It is all about not to wasting the money in things you don’t care about and spending it on what is important to you. Don’t compare yourself to other people as you really don’t know what problems they have, I have friends who have great cars, nice houses, lovely holidays, even sending kids to private school, but have a level of debt they are often in arrears or at a risk of being evicted. So don’t compare yourself to other ones, you may not be having the luxuries they have because you are more sensible than them.

OP, I know how you feel. I'm a single mum, have been for 15 years and while I have a house in an lovely area, for all the time ds has been at school, I've felt like the poor relation. Other families cars, pools, skiing holidays, etc

I've not struggled to pay the electricity bill or feed us, ds hasn't gone without but there's no spare for luxuries.

However, I've started to think I'm the lucky one. One friend (perfect house & big six-figure job) is struggling with a dh who refuses to work and threatens to take her for half of everything. Another whose husband had put the house up as surety on a business loan, failed to sell his business in time and the bank has foreclosed so she's losing her home.
Another has quietly asked me how I manage because she is unhappy and wants to divorce.

My home is not perfect but it's safe and 100% mine, no-one is going to take half or gamble it away.

Be thankful you are a financially independent, professional lady. You are doing brilliantly in a world that is not easy.

@Meadowfinch thank you so much for your lovely post and for giving me the perspective I need!

Ps your ds sounds very lucky to have you as his mum

It’s not only the finances related to being a couple.

We have friends with a family income the same as our family. Same age kids etc. We pay the equivalent of a 30k pay rise each year in childcare that they get for free from grandparents.

There that’s the fancy holidays paid for.

It’s just different life options.

I’m back in my home area and seeing a friend who spent many years as a single parent. I get why she is miffed it has been harder for her, the child is late twenties now. She does make so many remarks about well it’s ok for you as there’s two of you, smug married etc, she lets her bitterness flow out. I do not see her that often as it’s almost a 5 hour trip. She complains that she isn’t invited any where but if she is like this with everyone I can see why. Our friendship is 40 years long though. So I think perfectly understandable, let it come out here but be very careful it doesn’t become all enveloping.

I have a partner but I can’t work because of long term illness. I could think if only I could work, we’d have two incomes…If only we’d been able to stay living at home to save for our deposit on the house instead of moving out as soon as we turned eighteen and paying an absolute fortune on rent for fifteen years.. but we couldn’t.
I know it’s hard but lots of people are not in ideal situations and you’re better off than a lot of people. Honestly, this seems like one of those things you just have to try not to dwell on.

It’s the tax system that’s the main problem here. It hugely discriminates against single parents. The UK is the only developed country which levies income tax and determines the provision of childcare funding and child benefit on an individual income basis rather than a household unit basis. This means that if you are a lone parent with a child in childcare you have to earn £130k before you have a net income (after tax and childcare) equivalent to two parents earning £35k each. If you have two children you have to earn £150k+ to get the same net income.

It’s a disgraceful compounding of the inbuilt disadvantage (i.e. that you have to do two people’s jobs in terms of the earning and caring in 24 hrs per day not 48) to also design a tax system while in 50% of the time you have to earn double what they do put together to achieve the same net household income.

This is very economically damaging and actually decreases workforce participation and tax revenue but sadly we don’t have any politicians in the UK who are capable of formulating a sensible economic plan to raise growth and productivity.

You’re not wrong to be angry about it though. It’s shockingly unfair and unjustifiable as well as being counterproductive, which is why no other country does this.

Over the years ive realised that unless you've lived as a single/solo parent, you really cant understand how hard it is.
No one to share bills with-hoisehold bills are set up with 2 income families in mind. Doing it alone is super tough.
People complain about council tax bills and yet have 2 incomes. I get a 25 per cent reduction for being single and yet there isn't anyone helping me pay it.
I also always felt my house was worse than friends ..it was..but finally at mod 50s I have bought and am proud of it..but am totally skint..

Also having a husband that goes away a lot still doesn't make them a single parent as they still have a support network..financially and emotionally.
We /i don't. Its hard...but i feel so proud of what i habe achieved on my own but would like a small/big lotto win to make life easier...as I do cry re money more than I should.
Its hard to earn more with a child as I do 30 hrs a week main job amd have a side hustle but can't work out of house as son has special needs and always home
But life always sorts out x

Over the years ive realised that unless you've lived as a single/solo parent, you really cant understand how hard it is.
No one to share bills with-hoisehold bills are set up with 2 income families in mind. Doing it alone is super tough.
People complain about council tax bills and yet have 2 incomes. I get a 25 per cent reduction for being single and yet there isn't anyone helping me pay it.
I also always felt my house was worse than friends ..it was..but finally at mod 50s I have bought and am proud of it..but am totally skint..

Also having a husband that goes away a lot still doesn't make them a single parent as they still have a support network..financially and emotionally.
We /i don't. Its hard...but i feel so proud of what i habe achieved on my own but would like a small/big lotto win to make life easier...as I do cry re money more than I should.
Its hard to earn more with a child as I do 30 hrs a week main job amd have a side hustle but can't work out of house as son has special needs and always home
But life always sorts out x

Does ex not pay anything towards DD?

You actually sound a bit like looking down on others tbh, that your job status is better but you have it harder as a SP. You're doing a fantastic job, yes you could have grander houses if still in a couple, I understand that . You have nothing to prove to them, they will be impressed with your career and juggling it all.

It's early days, you may well meet someone new who also has a better job than them and buy the biggest house in the area together ❤️

It is normal to be envious of those who appear to have more than you. But they only have that because they are reliant on each other. While you might not think you have as much, you are far more stable in some ways as it’s just you.

Im a single parent and all my siblings are either married or with a partner . Sometimes I get envious because having someone else to help out physically and financially would be nice. But when I have had to share my space with another adult, I could scream. I’d rather have less money but a peaceful life.

I hear you and I used to be there. My lightbulb moment was realising that a couple I knew well were actually between them earning three times what I was. Somehow that made me feel better about what they could afford and I couldn’t- realised it was not my fault that I could not possibly match their joint earnings.

"Comparison is the thief of joy" and this is true, I've had decent jobs over my working life as did my spouse and we were doing OK until spouse contracted a seriously debilitating illness 20 years ago and for last 6 years has been unable to work at all. This completely threw a spanner in the works and resulted in me having to work beyond retirement to clear our (thankfully small) mortgage. We only have a 2 bed semi but have struggled to pay for repairs and updating the home - and haven't had any sort of holiday for 10 years. I try not to think of the nice homes of siblings and friends, especially those with luxurious lifestyles but it is difficult, and I do empathise. Try to focus on what you have and block out thoughts of other people's lives - however hard that might be. As nutbrownhare15 says there are others in worse positions than you or I, so we should balance out any negative thoughts that might creep in.

@Hhhr123

I feel bitter about it and like I’m slogging out the hours career wise but actually have nothing much to show for it.

You do have something to show for it, your career!! And a happy, safe home that you have provided your DD all by yourself!

Your DD growing up with a loving, career driven woman who has never had to rely on a man will be one of the best things you can provide her with.

She will be proud of you and you will be proud of her in return when she follows in your footsteps.

I do feel your pain. I live in a suburban part of London and it feels like the wealth is off the scale here! Most of the mums in my DS11 class don’t need to work, yet go on a couple of abroad holidays a year, private schools for secondary etc. it’s hard to be around sometimes, even though this includes some of my friends, and they are absolutely lovely.

My oldest friends I have had from school have really mixed set ups and it feels a bit more realistic. The thing is there is always someone less fortunate and I know it’s easy to say but it will get easier as your DD gets older. A lot about being a single parent feels quite unfair I think, it’s normal to look outside at what others have but try not to let it consume you. X

I’m a single parent and feel the same! I work my arse off and live in a small flat and work most evenings and weekend and get a bit of envy! But on the plush side I have my peace ❤️

I do understand this point of view. I have two degrees, was very senior in a position and regularly discussed my future pathway to the Board with the CEO etc. Then I had a baby. My ex of 5 years had a mental health collapse. I was on my own with a 3 day old. He isn't involved at all at the moment. Made redundant 1 week before returning to work, having already fed into the strategy review on my KIT days.

I'm now on £40k less, no regular family support etc. We're in the process of selling the 'family' home as I could no longer afford to buy him out.

Sometimes, I do envy the ease with which some of my friends and acquaintance have material things, whilst I spunk money on childcare and other services like dog walkers etc. etc I only have to pay for because the other person absented himself and none of this works without buying the support I need just to function.

I try to be grateful I still can just about afford that help. I try to remember that I'm in the thick of it (DS is nearly 3), and I am currently retraining so I can shift to a career where I'll actually earn less, but more per hour (capped hours, so part time, which is why I'll bring home less). With the extra time, I can drop all of those expensive support services and still have 'enough'.

I can't afford 4 fancies holidays a year, but I can afford a tent (I know my DS is going to love camping), and I can afford to save and do something spectacular every 5 years or so (I'm currently planning for Lapland when he's 6). I can't afford to pay professionals to make my house super nice, but I can save up and get something decent in time.

Things aren't as easy, and I work just as hard with sometimes similar responsibilities because my current employer likes to get the benefit of my experience. However, as long as my DS and I have magical memories, in that tent in the rain, playing whatever game he wants to play, I reckon he'll look back and think his mum did ok. He's being raised in peace, with as much support and attention that I can afford to give him, and that is priceless.

Have you thought about furnishing your home with second hand items? Have you looked on Marketplace? At present, I am sitting in a rise and recline chair that I got off Marketplace for £200, and bought a couple of stretch covers off Amazon. I have a similar chair next to it which I got free off Marketplace, and again, I covered it. My sofa was DD's which I bought for £100. I was generous with that because of it being DD's. There is some really lovely stuff if you lookfor it.

@Hhhr123 they will be living on cc and loans. A happy, content life is more important than stuff. I learnt this a hard way.

Join a credit union, save whatever you can. Buy when you can afford items.
Best of luck.

In exactly the same boat. It drives me nuts when I say im skint and my double income friends say the same while they can afford holidays abroad and new clothes.

The thing im most sad about is ive had to cut my monthly £10 Raffle House so I feel like my one (very small) chance of landing a big win has gone!

I’m feeling this more acutely mid 50s looking into a future over the next few years when child support from ex ages out. And then only one pension income coming in, which, after 10+ years being a SAHM then starting again at the bottom rung, is going to be a big drop in income.

Theres also the cash flow element of having just one income, one credit card. In a couple you can phase your spending more flexibly.

Looking at couple friends who are at nearly-peak earnings talking about buying a second home for retirement as their most expensive child-rearing years are behind them. I think about money all the time.

Exactly this! At least everything I own is MINE and no bloke has the right to any of it...

I get it but I think for me it’s more the people who aren’t very educated and don’t have amazing jobs but still afford plush holidays and such that get me. I don’t know how they do it, credit I guess but it can be irksome.

I know parents like this at DC’s school who are not tertiary educated and don’t have incredible jobs but can afford Disney world every year. It isn’t my cup of tea as holidays go but we can’t even afford to go abroad annually and I have a PhD, DH masters. We’re also both top 10% of earners but our outgoings are too high and so we don’t get benefits, childcare vouchers etc. Also have a DS with SEN so have to fork out for speech & language therapy. It’s one of those things.