School saying things about both our kids now- 6 and 4.

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Hello, wondering if someone could help? Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

my children are 4 and 6. My youngest is in nursery / preschool and my oldest is in year 1.

they go to a private school.

a few months ago we got feedback about my DD6. She struggles to concentrate, isn’t able to follow some instructions- for example if they’re on the carpet and then told to go and sit at the desk and write something - she will have forgotten. Behaviour is good, no issue there. Also no issue with friendship. My DD has been at this school since nursery, when she was 3. Anyway, SENCO have put some things to help her in place and it’s a watch and wait how she does kind of thing. She’s not extremely behind academically at this point.

My DS4 is in the nursery and I’ve now also received feedback about him. They’re worried he cannot stay still at all, also doesn’t follow instructions well. We’ve also been told he just moves so much and flops around all the time, he ends up falling and seems clumsy. He cannot sit still. He’s picking up phonics well. Again, they think his behaviour is fine, he doesn’t hit or lash out at other kids but they think he can’t help just not being able to sit still. In the case of my son his class teacher actually mentioned adhd of dyspraxia.

In my daughter’s case, no conditions have been mentioned by them yet really. But I think they suspect adhd here or dyslexia as possibilities.

I am a bit gobsmacked now that there seems to be an issue so early in school / nursery for both of them.

any words of wisdom ? My husband just doesn’t buy into any of it at all. He says I shouldn’t take what they’re saying so seriously and that the kids are young and will be fine and it’s just the way the world is nowadays in schools. I can’t really talk to him about it. I don’t have anyone who can objectively advise me who has been through it. I don’t think the school would waste time just saying this stuff.

Potential ADHD (or autism etc at a high functioning level) doesn't mean there is something wrong with either of your children, it just means their brains might work slightly differently to some of their peers. And the modern, western worlds education system isn't optimised for this way of working.

It can actually make them particularly good and skilled in some areas of life, but possibly struggle more in others. No different to a lot of people that have some things they are better at than others. However, to get through the school system in a way that gives them more opportunities in life, they may benefit from some extra support.

If its been mentioned, for me there is no harm in exploring a referral to go through the diagnosis. If they don't have it, no harm. If they do, it would make it easier as they go through life to get extra support if they need it. Better to get on the waiting lists asap if you are going through the NHS, they aren't quick!

My son has ADHD. I can see I had it mildly. In retrospect, I can see my mother had it too. I am a solicitor and I have various work arounds so I can stay organised and get through work. My son has done a university degree and is now doing a vocational training course. He did need a lot of tutoring to get through school - I didn't. He used medication for studying and exams - never took it on holidays or weekends. He was never going to be the academic star his brother was but he was a solid performer and hard working. A book I found really helpful was Jeffrey Freed's "Right Brained Child in a Left Brained World." I think the science is a bit ropey but he had really practical ideas about teaching ADHD children. If an ADHD child is looking at his teacher with rapt attention, he's very likely off in a day dream. If he's twirling a pencil, and fiddling with something he probably is paying attention. Also ADHD children need more revision than other children. So after they learn something, get them to revise it the next day to make sure it sticks and so on. My husband was exactly like yours at the beginning.

There is often some comorbidity like dyslexia or something else. My son's was having problems with position and had to be taught specifically orientation like beside, behind, in front, opposite and first as how he orients himself in space was a bit odd. He did have some occupational therapy to work on fine motor skills - his writing used to be awful. They might be great at sport - my mother had almost freakishly good hand eye co-ordination which neither my son nor I inherited.

For me, I would advise you balance both trying not to overthink it - your husband is right that they are very young, and will likely be absolutely fine, especially if you can see them thriving/growing/learning outside of school.

But equally, when a professional gives you a heads up that there is something they are struggling with, you should take it on board. Not as a world-ending disaster, but just as something to try and help them with. That could manifest as diagnosis/professional help, but for me I would start at home with family help.

Can you help organize more activities that require quiet concentration, give them more chances to practice sitting and quietly focusing etc. Can you make a game out of multiple-commands to let your son practice responding to a string of commands etc.

If nothing is working and the problems are getting worse, then yes, take it further with the school.

Schools have to offer what’s called a graduated response - look it up for your area and what that looks like. It’s for any child who requires additional support compared to the class- so your kids would count in this. It’s not about diagnosis, it’s about putting support in early. So for example for your wriggly child, they will need sensory circuits and movement breaks. With them being in private school they generally have less experience and funding so it may be they are wanting you to fund some early assessment work to help them develop an appropriate plan. Ask to speak with the SENCO and see what they say

Not in my experience!!

I think sometimes they can be a bit too on the ball and they’re just being normal kids tbh. When my younger brother was in nursery in the early 00s the nursery teacher advised my mum take him to the GP because he was a bit of a tear away, wouldn’t sit still, liked running around etc. My mum took him and they basically said he was just a typical 3 year old boy. He doesn’t have SEN.

It's good to know but in the past children didn't start school until they were at least 4 (5 in my case) so you wouldn't have this kind of anxiety- issues when you started school were expected, a seamless transition was rare.
Private schools tend to give more feedback (positive and negative) , they feel it is part of the value they are supplying- your children are very young they may very well get over these issues on their own, as part of the maturing process- it is not necessary for them to be at exactly the same place in their journey as the other children at all times.

Two possibilities.

1. The school has unrealistic ideals of what children can't do, doesn't like you and wants the children out.
2. The school has spotted something outside the norm and is alerting you to it so you can work together to help your dc

Most people here seem to default to 1 when it's asked on mn.

But is that actually likely? The school, unless massively oversubscribed, would lose two sets of school fees. They didn't raise concerns about the older one at that age, so they're clearly not either raising it about all children, nor have they got it in for this family.

Raising concerns and working together early is far better for dc than assuming they will grow out of it and teachers are just being mean.

With support from the school and parent, the child will be in a better position whether they grow out of it or not.

With ds, he was the wrigglest child in the room and every time I expressed concern I was told "he's a summer boy- he'll grow out if it"
He was eventually diagnosed with adhd and asd at about 12/13yo and I can see it would have been far better if he'd been diagnosed at 4yovwhen I first was concerned.

People are trying to be very comforting to tge OP by saying they'll grow out of it, and school is expecting you much. But not helpful for the child.
Early intervention won't hurt a child who grows out if it; ignoring potential issues may harm them.

'and please don’t be scared of medication. Medication for a lot of people diagnosed with ADHD can be life changing and give them back the life they deserve. I’ve seen it happen. I know meds doesn’t work for all - but ADHD is one of the diagnoses where I’d advocate for it.'

Medication for a 4 year old? It's not the first line of treatment recommended, and no service will assess for ADHD at that age unless behavior is very problematic - it can be too many other things that take time to exclude. I'd also consider what is school's approach to SEN, how much they focus is on academic work and conforming, school's expectations regarding child development and behaviour. Watchful waiting sounds reasonable.

We had no idea that DD was struggling until she started school, she was a bit behind but I remember the shock ATT. It is a good thing that she’ll get better support. My DD is sitting her leaving cert exams now, it hasn’t been plain sailing but she’s doing brilliant in the right environment.

School aren't saying something is definitely wrong. They are saying that they have some concerns. You lose nothing by monitoring and/or investigating. If there is something, the sooner you know, the better.

To be honest nothing you've said there is discounting autism in your niece. Or your brother for that matter!

Your DS sounds very much like mine was at that age. In fact I think I posted something on here asking for advice. Flagged by his (state) school in Reception and was on the list of ‘watched children’. We had lots of meetings!
After about a couple of years he was off the list but was still a bit of a handful. 18 now and all good! No SEN, model pupil etc.

Much better than my situation. I went to school when DD1 was in y6 with a list of concerns and was completely fobbed off. So she ended up with no diagnosis and no formal support until y10.

It sounds like your 4 year old is stuck in a chair at school much more than he wants to be. I'd be questioning whether this is the right school for him going forward. Is there a boys prep nearby with a big focus on sport?

They may be doing well at supporting your daughter but not be a great fit for your son.

Very like my son. He juggles univdrsity, work, assignments, early gym and a super busy social life with ease. He is high energy and thrives at juggling.

Private schools are often not geared up to deal with difference. You could find that your son in particular would not be unusual in a state school. Your problem is trying to get a private school to tolerate his need for movement.

I guess you can afford some private assessments so I would strongly suggest you get your son assessed by a sensory integration therapist and your daughter assessed by a speech and language therapist.

Speech and language therapist will look at a lot more than how she speaks. My daughter was quirky at school - we didn't quite understand why - and the speech and language assessment we commissioned in year 5 was SO helpful. She had a clinical disorder and we didn't even know. It was to do with how she processed language, her working memory, that sort of thing.

A sensory integration therapist should be able to suggest exercises for your son to do with you at home to help calm his nervous system. We did this for my other daughter - who incidentally was enrolled in a group which ran for half an hour before school at her state primary which did similar.

You will get loads of info from assessments like this and good strategies to use at home and for school to use. A state school could bring in their own LA resources but realistically if you are going private you will have to do this yourself.