School saying things about both our kids now- 6 and 4.

[ijust]

Hello, wondering if someone could help? Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

my children are 4 and 6. My youngest is in nursery / preschool and my oldest is in year 1.

they go to a private school.

a few months ago we got feedback about my DD6. She struggles to concentrate, isn’t able to follow some instructions- for example if they’re on the carpet and then told to go and sit at the desk and write something - she will have forgotten. Behaviour is good, no issue there. Also no issue with friendship. My DD has been at this school since nursery, when she was 3. Anyway, SENCO have put some things to help her in place and it’s a watch and wait how she does kind of thing. She’s not extremely behind academically at this point.

My DS4 is in the nursery and I’ve now also received feedback about him. They’re worried he cannot stay still at all, also doesn’t follow instructions well. We’ve also been told he just moves so much and flops around all the time, he ends up falling and seems clumsy. He cannot sit still. He’s picking up phonics well. Again, they think his behaviour is fine, he doesn’t hit or lash out at other kids but they think he can’t help just not being able to sit still. In the case of my son his class teacher actually mentioned adhd of dyspraxia.

In my daughter’s case, no conditions have been mentioned by them yet really. But I think they suspect adhd here or dyslexia as possibilities.

I am a bit gobsmacked now that there seems to be an issue so early in school / nursery for both of them.

any words of wisdom ? My husband just doesn’t buy into any of it at all. He says I shouldn’t take what they’re saying so seriously and that the kids are young and will be fine and it’s just the way the world is nowadays in schools. I can’t really talk to him about it. I don’t have anyone who can objectively advise me who has been through it. I don’t think the school would waste time just saying this stuff.

The school are seeing something. They need to put the right support in place. What are the school doing to support the children to access their education? I have 2 children both are ND but present very differently. The oldest had suspected ADHD and autism. The youngest has suspected ADHD and dyslexia. They are both academic, clever and dont have behavioural issues. The eldest is academically brilliant but socially immature. She is hyperfocued but also very disorganised. The youngest is academically and socially brilliant but struggles with emotional regulation. They both have sensory issues.

Have a hunt around locally. I did some training with the autism service. I noticed lots of things that point to ND following training. The training didn't just look at deficit and how people are struggling but also things that point to ND but are rather remarkable.

This^
100%

Sounds like what my kids got described like when they were your kids’ age. Now one of them at 13 is diagnosed with autism, adhd and dyslexia and my girl, with anxiety and soon I expect to be diagnosed adhd at 14. Check it out. Worse case scenario is they have needs and you build accommodations to help them thrive. Saying or wishing it isn’t a thing won’t make it not a thing. But, they could just be growing. However, honestly, unlikely nothing is going on if concerns are being raised so little. And also, my kids are happy and thriving but I think some of that came from getting it identified early as if your kids don’t conform to the norm, halfway through primary it starts being seen as behaviour and a choice, which is demoralising and impacts their self esteem.

Some people seem to think if you accept the help offered then your children will be swept up and forced into some kind of system for the rest of their lives. Its isn't like that at all! It's a really slow process so all that would happen is that they'd start being assessed and having some extra support at school to help them. And I don't know how much time the posters have spent in preschool or reception with 4 year olds, but in my experience they're not made to sit still for long periods. Physical, social and imaginative play is as important as reading and writing and part of the daily routine. The majority of their learning is done through play.

My daughter (at a private school) had v similar issues flagged in year 2. She struggled to sit still sometimes (she once did a random bridge in assembly!!) and seemed a bit ‘day dreamy’ and like she wasn't listening in certain situations. She was well behaved, good friends and academic (although struggled somewhat with spelling-she read v well though). They thought she might have ADHD and advised assessing-we were’t sure as she was so young, plus it all seemed very variable (plus she’d been through covid times). We decided to see how things evolved. She had a dyslexia assessment aged 8 that was enlightening-lots of her issues appeared related to the high effort she needed to put in lessons to achieve how she was and understand what was happening etc and processing written/spoken information. Shes had dyslexia support in place, has also matured in many ways and has flown since. Now aged 10 totally loving school, recently described as a ‘model pupil’ at parents evening, great focus, very conscientious and no issues with sitting still at school!! Im glad we gave her time to develop and let things play out.

None of it sounds serious OP. They might flat, fall and get up but both are dong well academically and socially; we need our quirks, this is what makes us individuals

Ye my "model pupil" was so tightly and continously masking to keep everyone happy, she ended up suicidal and self harming and barely functioning. It took until secondary school for her to be unable to mask so tightly or function. And then 4 years of hell for anyone to take her seriously and a diagnosis and medication started. I so wish someone had raised concerns earlier.

They probably just don’t think they’re academically bright and are sowing the seeds for getting you to leave. No private school wants their results affected

I wouldn't be too worried OP. Some children are very hype active, my son was. It meant nothing more than he needed plenty of exercise and played lots of sport. He was very bright too. 4 is so young, sitting still can be hard.
Definitely watch and keep an eye out, but I wouldn't be unduly concerned. They sound like great children.

That mostly applies to senior schools not prep or pre prep.

Lol, my ds3 was a lot like this when young. Beautifully behaved, very bright but couldn't sit still - the best he could manage was to fidget around a fixed point. I can remember saying to his reception teacher "I dont think he can actually sit still" and, sure enough, he couldn't.

Then he grew up and all was fine. No adhd, no neurodiversity, studying at Cambridge. Really good drummer which is how he burns off excess energy these days.

My daughter is adhd / dyspraxic. She would fall
over whilst sitting down at carpet time.

Totally agree with this, if you're in an area where the school has a waiting list and they would prefer to have only easy typical kids, you might be better off moving them to a state school that's more geared up for kids with different needs. I know of a few families who stuck it out too long in private school with neurodiverse kids, with their needs not being met and the school just seeing them as a problem. Private schools can be brutal about not supporting kids who won't make their results look good, so it's worth having a plan B ready just in case.

Hi @GranolaBakerhow is your son? How did the diagnosis at 16 come about? Thank you

DC2 who does have autism and ADHD was absolutely fine at school until year 8. Diagnosis at age 20 while at university.

My child has adhd and it has been apparent since nursery. Sometimes you can just tell. We could, and an experienced nursery teacher picked it up early.

Your husband probably needs to educate himself on ND a little.

Exactly this

@Janblues28 please can you recommend a nutritionist? Thanks

It really bugs me when people say don’t label them. I would rather my child be given a SEN ‘label’ than be labelled weird, thick or badly behaved.

My DD’s private school nursery suggested SEN which was then dismissed when she went to primary state school and only picked up again 4 years later. If private school early years have good staff to child ratios, they’re in a good place to notice things. They see a lot of children.

If they have ADHD/dyslexia/dyspraxia, they have them. They don’t develop over time. It is quite early for a diagnosis, but there is no harm being alert to the possibility. And the sooner they get whatever support they might need, the better.

I would look into a specialist sensory occupational therapist for them both. They’ll look at the whole picture not just do they have adhd or are they autistic or dyslexic. Best money I ever spent.

It’s good that they notify you of potential issues but not all turn into a diagnosis. My daughters nursery said she had a tic but she was actually just trying not to cough. Wait and see, read up so you’re prepared.

My son was diagnosed as having dyslexia and dyspraxia at I think around 5 or 6
he was struggling with reading and writing and I’m a massive reader so picked up on it

i paid privately to see a child psychologist who then sent a letter to his school if I remember correctly

which meant he got extra help all they way through his schooling there was no fighting the school or anything it was just put in place for him

i also paid privately for him to have specialist dyslexia tutoring twice a week right through infants to senior school which helped massively

which meant he got extra help all they way through his schooling

This was 25 plus years ago and I don’t think there were as many kids in school that were diagnosed with learning difficulties so much easier i think for schools to help

i think as well because he was diagnosed at an early age and had lots of support and encouragement it made a massive massive difference for him as a teen and grown up

he learnt to drive at 17
he has worked continuously since 15
he has his own house with his partner and doing very well in his chosen job and life in general

Also sad to say I think that a lot of men tend to react badly if they are told their kids might have learning difficulties or ND

they often take it as a slight on them that their offspring are a bit different ( apologies if this is insulting but I can’t think of the right words )

women just tend to get on with it and deal with and look for help

if your kids do have SEN - ND and your husband is accepting of it it makes it 100 times worse for you as you can end up battling on your own