AIBU to expect husband to do bulk of weekday childcare when he’s unemployed?

[eatentoomanygrapes]

Husband made redundant. We have just moved house and only have childcare for one of our kids for 3 days a week until he starts school in September; the other (18 months) doesn’t start nursery til sept due to long waiting lists.

husband doesn’t want to get a job - he has a bit of money behind him from the sale of his late dads house. he wants to “explore a few ideas” he has to set up a business.

I took a week off while we moved house. Tomorrow I go back to work but husband fully expects me to do 50% of the childcare (I WFH but no broadband at home yet).

AIBU to suggest this is massively selfish on his part?

Last night we had a huge argument as he lay on the sofa watching tv - I asked why he has to insist on doing his “work stuff” during the week when I’m working, why he can’t try and do that in the evenings or when baby naps.

He seems to think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect me to screw up my own job so he can sit in the garden phoning people and tinkering away on his laptop. I’m not convinced he has any kind of plan.

if he was applying for jobs it would be slightly different and I’d be more supportive, but I’d also expect him to respect my job.

Has he at least paid off the mortgage?

It’s situations like this that expose the truth about women and childcare. You weren’t doing the bulk of it because it was more convenient, easier or cheaper with you doing the bulk or all of it, it’s because you are a woman and it’s your job, it’s why women never babysit their own kids.

He can do all of that around looking after the 18mth old or he can contribute to childcare out of his inheritance.
although it doesn’t sound like there is any available.

millions of people, me included, have set up their own business working around their children (in my case an u der 1 year old). It’s a total luxury to say “I need uninterrupted days to job hunt / set up a business”. You do it when they’re asleep or in the evening.

its just not viable for most people and certainly a total pisstake to say that the other parent with an actual full time job takes on the childcare responsibility during their working day.

OP as someone else mentioned, he’s just looking for creative ways to waste money. What could that do to improve your family financially? But even if you see it as his money not family money. It doesn’t mean he gets to shove all the actual earning and home life responsibilities on to you.

Me too! What a waste of space. Sorry Op but sounds like you’re married to a selfish wanker.

Well I said I partially agreed.

But my thoughts were that there was some miscommunication. We can’t assume his business is going nowhere because we dom’t know what it is and what work experience he has. But OP and her H are not on the same page and it doesn’t sound like they are working together. Redundancy can be an opportunity too.

Thanks for the replies and support.

I’ve been contacting childminders and nurseries non stop, we have a few show-rounds booked and a couple of potential childminder options but nothing that covers exactly what we need.

the original plan when we were both working was that we would have family over to help to bridge the gap, understanding it would be a bit hectic for a while - but due to having such terrible 5G (literally zero) we have to be out of the house to get any work done.

my mum is 82 and I can’t expect her to take both of them out somewhere, it’s just not possible for her to- I find it stressful enough and I’m 38!

so in a way his redundancy presented an opportunity to ease the childcare pressure - at least just for a bit - but he doesn’t see it that way.

to answer the Q about my faith in his business idea - honestly, I don’t have any faith in it. He’s never been a hard worker, his main motivation is to avoid having to go into an office. I’m afraid he will spend his days sitting about with a beer in the sun, “networking” on the phone.

I know this is really unfair. I KNOW it. I do think he’s being a real selfish prick. Part of me just wishes he would decide to be a house husband because at least then I’d be able to focus fully on my job, and we’d have a happy nurturing household with him doing the cooking and childcare!

This way I feel like we’ve got absolutely no benefits of either scenario: I’m going to be massively stressed out, the kids are going to be all over the place, and he will burn through money and be nowhere in six months time.

Have you asked him if he would like to be a stay at home dad? And then run his business part time when he can if he still wants too? I can see the benefits would would be great for a young family.

Redundancy is still quite raw for me, when I first found out about I was desperate to find another job in the same field, now I'm desperate to not go back in to the field and I'm enjoying taking some time out. Which everyone told me I needed to do but instead I spent three incredibly stressful months beating myself up in an incredibly tight market. I do think of it now as an opportunity and not a disaster.

You aren’t being unfair. Not at all!

I don’t understand - you can’t work at the same time as doing childcare. I’m sure your work wouldn’t allow it even if you thought you’d try and juggle it for a short time. So the answer is to pay for childcare immediately or he does it. Or a bit of both. Ideally he’d develop his business ideas around the baby’s naps but maybe compromise and he gets one full day for now when you have proper childcare; the other four days he does.

The reality for you and him is that your a marred couple with two kid's, food, bills and a mortgage to pay. He was made redundant and rather help out with childcare for a few months he wants to set up a business. In other words he wants you to land his kids on your mother or expect you to WFH and mind kids at the same time.
You know that this will make life harder and more stressful on you and your mother.
Along with this he waste any redundancy money on this scheme so leave you worse off as a family.

The reality is that you can't WFH and mind kid's. You need to tell him that you have work outside the house because of the poor WiFi. Tell him you can't work and mind his children at the same time and since you the only one earning he needs to mind his children for a few months until he can sort out childcare.

I would also ask him who has his spoken to about his business idea?Ask him when is he doing a start your own business course? Ask him whose going to pay the mortgage and bills when he is doing this because he seems to have forgotten that he is married with kids, a mortgage and bills to be paid?
Also being self employed is hard work, long hours, chasing money, dealing with the tax man and it takes time and money to build up a business.
In this economy I would not be trying to start a business in his circumstances.

He needs to be told that he minds the kids at home for a few months and then gets a job once you sort out childcare. The money he got recently should be put off the mortgage or into savings and not wasted on a poor business idea.
If he moans about this I would speak to a solicitor about a divorce and tell them about his recent windfall as well. Don't tell your husband that your doing this.

I have friends and family members with who have kids and it a hard stage with small kids, trying to work and find childcare but the couples looked at what was the most practical thing to do for say 6 or 12 months if jobs or plans changed.

I couldn't put up with that. Especially wasting money so he can be lazy.

As others have said, you can’t WFH with an 18 in your care. At all.

Your working hours are times when you have to be 100 % focussed on work.

He either needs to wait until September to start “exploring a few ideas” and be a SAHP until then, or do his “exploring”’outside of your working hours.

Anything else is ridiculous.

Or the 18 month old goes into nursery, but that does seem a big expense when one person is unemployed and able to do it.

Yes this or go to a cafe and say you’re in the office or go and sit on your car somewhere to work basically just leave him to it so he has no choice

Good luck OP, you'll need it. My Stbxh spent 5 years "working" on his new business which probably made less than 1K throughout that time. It was the absolute pits and no, he didn't use his free time to do housework or childcare, despite me holding down multiple jobs to keep us going! I would absolutely INSIST on a viable business plan. No business plan, no business!

My worry would be is that hes going to waste all the money left to him, lounging about at home with no business plan, and then in a few years regret it but the money will be gone by then to actually move forward

It sounds like he plans to fritter away an inheritance on pie in the sky ideas while you financially support the family and do childcare while you should be working
Did you discuss how the inheritance should be used? Are any of his ideas good ones?

When you’re working he needs to be looking after the kids. On days when you’re both not working it should be shared

People get sacked for doing childcare while WFH.
When someone decides to invest thousands in developing a business idea (which he is already doing simply by not apply for salaried jobs immediately) they absolutely must get full agreement from their spouse first.
That inherited money belongs to you jointly - judge would certainly consider it joint if you divorced.

to answer the Q about my faith in his business idea - honestly, I don’t have any faith in it. He’s never been a hard worker, his main motivation is to avoid having to go into an office. I’m afraid he will spend his days sitting about with a beer in the sun, “networking” on the phone.

Save me from these selfish, lazy "entrepreneurs" who want their own business but don't have a work ethic, much less a business plan and swan around "planning" and "having meetings" instead of doing the work of starting a business or contributing to their family by doing domestic work. Your husband is just another one of those lazy fucks.

If he doesn't have a written business plan, he's just pulling your leg. If so, what kind of start up costs is he looking at? How likely is his planned business to be profitable in this economy?

He's unreasonable. But. If he is doing childcare instead of working, could he claim to be the primary parent if you split? He sounds unlikely to go back to work or be hired somewhere if he has a big gap in his resume.

Your 82 year old mother is not appropriate childcare for a toddler.

"He's never been a hard worker" and childcare is hard work, so he doesn't want to do it.

The redundancy must have been a godsend for him. No need for an excuse to give up work, and an opportunity for him to explore ideas while you work full time, sort out the childcare and get used to the idea that he does nothing.

Please, please keep a careful eye on the situation. Don't get into the boiling-a-frog situ like a friend of mine after her DH got made redundant - she ended up working full-time in a senior role but doing all the housework and admin as well, while he coached the local hockey juniors and did nothing else. She didn't sign up for it, she didn't agree to it, it just became her life.

Keep careful record of who does what for the children in case you need to prove that he is not their main carer, should you ever decide you want to ditch him.

OP, in my (long) experience, there are quite a lot of men who basically don’t want to be told what to do. Rather than ‘submit’ to an employer, they want their own business where they get to call all the shots.
And they don’t want their partners to have any say either, because they are the boss.
In my experience, it never works out. Sorry OP.

He’s ‘never been a hard worker’ screams warning bells!! To set up and run your own successful business take hard graft, takes up all your time, and needs 100% commitment. It definitely will come to nothing with a half arsed attempt. You need him to show you his business plan asap, I can bet you’ll be waiting a while…

Given your update, and with the benefit of 50 years of life and having seen lots of relationships of my own and of my friends…

I would apply for divorce today.

you have procreated with an incredibly selfish, lazy, misogynistic man - and this is never going to change.

the fact that you had that conversation and he put forward his stupid suggestion as if it were reasonable, and you didn’t laugh in his face and tell him to stop being so bloody stupid - tells us that your dynamic is ridiculous and unhealthy and not equal in any way shape or form .

you have said he will spunk all your savings up the wall. Yup, he will. He will live off your exhaustion amd your dime and not give a shiny shit.

get out now, because tomorrow there will be even less money in the pot.

I think this is serious enough that it’s existential for your marriage, and I would be putting it in those terms. His plan

• threatens your job
• threatens your mental health
• threatens your home
• threatens your future financial security both as a couple and as an individual- if his pissing about means you end up doing childcare instead of working you could, as pp said, be sacked.

Honestly if he isn’t prepared to compromise or to respect you, or to be on your team, you will be better off without him (and certainly before his indolence and profligacy mean your family is substantially worse off, and you personally may be carrying the burden of his selfish behaviour).

Well said!