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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think some women could lift heavier in the gym?

636 replies

Ilostallthepens · 08/05/2026 22:25

I go to a strength training class a few times a week. It’s almost always all women, class size is about 15. I’m not especially strong or experienced at lifting weights but I notice I’m always lifting the heaviest (sometimes by a long way) than every other person there. I’m also working to my maximum capacity for the 8-12 reps we’re doing. I’m huffing and puffing and sweating doing bicep curls with an 8kg dumbbell in each hand and I look over and the woman next to me is lifting a couple of 2kg dumbbells with no visible effort at all. I see this in a lot of the women there. They don’t seem to push themselves to their limit or even that close to it. I’m talking about women a similar age to myself that have been going to the gym for at least as long as me. I get some people may not want to push themselves to their max effort for whatever reason, eg. an injury, but I’m seeing lots of women seemingly not putting in half the amount of effort that they seem capable of and over a long period of time. So this makes me think the reason must be they don’t believe they are capable of lifting heavier, or they don’t want to lift to their max ability for some reason. Why do you think this is? Have you experienced this? Do you not work to max capacity in the gym? If not, why not?

OP posts:
likelysuspect · 09/05/2026 15:10

Havent read the whole thread

You sound weird.

EverythingIsComputer · 09/05/2026 15:10

Some people aren’t allowed to lift heavy weights due to various conditions. Keep your focus on your own technique.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 09/05/2026 15:20

G5000 · 09/05/2026 13:48

WHY won't this myth die?
Toning is not a thing.
It was sold to women decades ago to lure them to gym while ensuring them that they can still remain teeny tiny and suitably fragile and feminine.

"Toned" means you have muscles and low body fat. You build muscles by lifting weights that challenge your muscles, not flapping around with tiny pink dumbbells that offer no resistance.

Yeah, I hear you. Tone actually refers to how 'switched on' a muscle is by the nervous system. It has nothing to do with muscle shape, size, density etc. There are a lot of fitness myths that refuse to die (especially re female training) which is a bit of a shame. It takes many years of dedicated training for women to even remotely look bulky. I'm having a bulk at the moment and do look quite 'big' but when I cut down again I'll look lean and athletic again.

SpaceRaccoon · 09/05/2026 15:22

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2026 14:14

But that's exactly what toning is, surely - building and then maintaining just enough muscle mass that it's subtly visible, without it growing too much. Any weight provides more resistance than no weight, so I don't get this argument. It's still worthwhile exercise.

Honestly though 2kg is a physio weight, not a workout weight.

FlyingApple · 09/05/2026 15:23

I just think it's great that women are lifting weights at all.

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2026 15:30

SpaceRaccoon · 09/05/2026 15:22

Honestly though 2kg is a physio weight, not a workout weight.

🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe that's all they're after.

I really don't see why it should matter to anyone else.

hipposcanweartutus · 09/05/2026 15:31

I don’t think it is any of your business in all honesty! Not everyone wants to build muscle! As several people have said, more reps and less weight is better for toning. I work out a minimum of 12 hours a week and I do that because a) I enjoy it and b) I need to tighten the loose skin after losing 6 stone. I don’t use heavy weights (2kg max) because I dont want to build muscle. Please do not judge people on what you are achieving because everyone is different. Plus I don’t particularly want to look like Arnold Swazenegars (no idea how to spell it!) sister!

JanesLittleGirl · 09/05/2026 15:33

gigglygrace · 09/05/2026 13:16

How do you get on with the alendronic acid? I've only managed to take 1 and spent the day with awful nausea.

I avoid any food or drink for at least 2 hours before taking the tablet and at least 30 minutes after. I also stay upright for at least 30 minutes after taking the tablet. So I take it at about 10pm and go to bed sometime after 10:30.

I hope this helps.

mixingplaydoh · 09/05/2026 15:35

I do similar weights sessions to the OP. I did an extra, one-off class at the gym all about progressive overload, and how to approach it - so increasing reps, the weight, or improving form, such as performing deeper squats or increasing time under tension.

I found that class literally life changing - it totally changed the way I approach strength workouts.

On the one hand I wish they’d run that class more often, so more gym members can learn. But then at the same time, if people aren’t interested (for all the various reasons) in building up their workouts, then they probably won’t want to go to that class.

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:44

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/05/2026 11:37

But how do you know who isn’t making an effort?

And even if they aren’t, what business is it of anyone else’s? They may do it as a social thing or in conjunction with other activity or just to get out of the house.

It IS off putting to know that all the hype about gym users being supportive is total bollocks.As long as you get the workout you want, then I can’t see why you would be so judgy?

In the meantime, posts like this do put off the very people who would benefit from attending the gym.

Lifting 2kg week after week is clearly not making an effort. Good for those doing it as a social thing, but it's a waste of time and money to go to a strength class and only to lift 2kg every week. You can just use the treadmill and do some light stuff on the machines if that's your thing.

Anyone put off by someone pointing out that you need to put some effort in if you choose to do strength training isn't going to benefit much from going to the gym to do those classes anyway. No one else is responsible if you decide not to work out.

Tonychocaholic · 09/05/2026 15:44

I’m in the throes of breast cancer treatment, 5 weeks post lumpectomy and reconstruction. Been thinking about joining a gym as I head into radiotherapy and hormone blockers which will reduce my bone density. Attitudes like this make me determined to find an inclusive gym. You’ve no idea what people are going through physically,

SpaceRaccoon · 09/05/2026 15:45

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2026 15:30

🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe that's all they're after.

I really don't see why it should matter to anyone else.

Is no-one allowed any curiosity?

Maddy70 · 09/05/2026 15:46

Why do you care? I had my lymph nodes removed and I am only allowed to use very light weights it's absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else frankly you sound weird watching others i can honestly say I have never noticed what weights others use

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:47

Tonychocaholic · 09/05/2026 15:44

I’m in the throes of breast cancer treatment, 5 weeks post lumpectomy and reconstruction. Been thinking about joining a gym as I head into radiotherapy and hormone blockers which will reduce my bone density. Attitudes like this make me determined to find an inclusive gym. You’ve no idea what people are going through physically,

Quite clearly your situation is not what is being referred to. OP was talking about women who go to strength training classes and do little strength training.

Go to whichever gym you feel comfortable with. Every gym is designed to challenge people and encourage them to work harder, though.

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:50

Maddy70 · 09/05/2026 15:46

Why do you care? I had my lymph nodes removed and I am only allowed to use very light weights it's absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else frankly you sound weird watching others i can honestly say I have never noticed what weights others use

No one is watching others - others just happen to be right in front of us. Why all this super-sensitivity and exagerrated reaction?

OP was talking about people who do not have conditions. I'm simply pointing out that if you choose to go to a strength training class then you have to be prepared to be challenged, otherwise it's a waste of your time and money.

Do whatever is best for you. No one cares what you choose to do.

AlexandraPeppernose · 09/05/2026 15:52

I only do 2.5kg dumbell weights as it's all I can lift. I'm fat and weak. However I'm still moving, which is more than I do at home and work so that's my goal. Every time I've tried to lift heavy I've torn something, usually around my shoulder, so I am super cautious. Going to the gym is always better than doing nothing.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 09/05/2026 15:52

SpaceRaccoon · 09/05/2026 15:22

Honestly though 2kg is a physio weight, not a workout weight.

I use 2.5 Kg for cable lateral raises at the end of my push workout. It gives me a crazy pump and I have nice muscly shoulders. It's not all about the amount of weight lifted.

christmasmammy · 09/05/2026 15:56

Yes. You are being unreasonable.

I can bicep curl 20’s but I can leg press 260kg at the moment. Why aren’t you putting more effort in and doing that? See how ridiculous it sounds? 🙈

Tonychocaholic · 09/05/2026 15:57

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:47

Quite clearly your situation is not what is being referred to. OP was talking about women who go to strength training classes and do little strength training.

Go to whichever gym you feel comfortable with. Every gym is designed to challenge people and encourage them to work harder, though.

But maybe I want to build up my strength, that’s my goal and I need to. But I have to start low and steady.

CatamaranViper · 09/05/2026 15:58

I always work out in the mornings. Some days I lift lighter but faster to get a cardio effect in my workout. Some days I lift lighter if I haven't fueled very much before hand. Some days I lift lighter if I know I will have other "lifting" jobs that day ie carrying deliveries. Loads of reasons I might do light weights. But my PBR is 95k deadlift.
Generally I'm someone who pushes really hard at the gym and end up stinking and sweaty. If I don't have access to a shower straight after, I take it easier which might involve lifting lighter.

Maddy70 · 09/05/2026 16:01

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:50

No one is watching others - others just happen to be right in front of us. Why all this super-sensitivity and exagerrated reaction?

OP was talking about people who do not have conditions. I'm simply pointing out that if you choose to go to a strength training class then you have to be prepared to be challenged, otherwise it's a waste of your time and money.

Do whatever is best for you. No one cares what you choose to do.

How does she know what conditions they have ? None would know about mine she's judging other people

DangerousAlchemy · 09/05/2026 16:04

WhereHasMyPlanetGone · 08/05/2026 22:56

The idea that people are watching and judging what I do in the gym really really fucks me off to be honest. Just leave people alone.

& this is why I hate gyms tbh - people like OP being such a judgemental cow

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2026 16:05

SpaceRaccoon · 09/05/2026 15:45

Is no-one allowed any curiosity?

Genuine curiosity is fine. Judgement dressed up as curiosity is less palatable. Given that the answer to OP's question is so obvious (people exercise for different reasons!), I suspect the latter.

G5000 · 09/05/2026 16:06

takealettermsjones · 09/05/2026 14:14

But that's exactly what toning is, surely - building and then maintaining just enough muscle mass that it's subtly visible, without it growing too much. Any weight provides more resistance than no weight, so I don't get this argument. It's still worthwhile exercise.

those women have specifially chosen a weightlifting class, so they are probably not terrified of weigths and building muscle as a general concept. Then they go, month after month, lifting the same very light weight that offers very minimal benefits. Better than nothing, but minimally.
Sure they may be just going for the social side or something, but I suspect many also believe they can't touch anything heavier, as will wake up looking like Arnold the next day. Whereas what would really happen is that they might actually achieve the 'toned' look they're after.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 09/05/2026 16:08

BunnyBunbunbun · 09/05/2026 15:50

No one is watching others - others just happen to be right in front of us. Why all this super-sensitivity and exagerrated reaction?

OP was talking about people who do not have conditions. I'm simply pointing out that if you choose to go to a strength training class then you have to be prepared to be challenged, otherwise it's a waste of your time and money.

Do whatever is best for you. No one cares what you choose to do.

Well they clearly are watching. And it’s not your time or money so how does it affect you? There are a lot of things I could say are a waste of time and money but it’s not my time and not my money so I don’t care.

The fact that people like you and OP are happy to admit you judge is really crap. Surely any exercise is a good thing?

You have to be very insecure to use the performance of others to feel better. Especially when you know jack shit about them.