AIBU to say no to another in laws family holiday?

[Friedscrambledpoached]

To say no or at least show that it's a bit if an imposition...Basically we have a young family and since our children were born our holidays have been largely dictated to us by in laws.

I genuinely love my in-laws and I like spending time with them. They're great with the kids, supportive and help out when we need it. However, we've had 3 'milestone' birthdays where the celebrations have centred around a holiday. I should add DH has a sibling who lives abroad, so I understand why it's a more important opportunity for the family to all get together as time together can be limited. However, I'm a bit sad that our annual leave and money are always dedicated to these extended family holidays which tbh aren't at places I would choose and tend to be very chaotic rather than relaxing.

If not for the 'milestone' birthday aspect I likely would have said no to so many extended family holidays until we had a few more holidays of our own choosing under our belt. We've only managed to get away as a nuclear family once so far. I also feel the need to try and balance things up by going on holiday with my family occasionally so they don't feel left out which doesn't leave much time or money leftover.

Now most approaching 'milestones' that I was aware of are over and I was looking forward to starting to spend our annual holiday budget and valuable annual leave on making memories as a nuclear family and doing what we want to do. Especially as the kids childhoods seem to be flying by so fast, there's certain things I want to do before they get too old. And we haven't been away together just as a couple in 4 years. However, FIL has just announced that their wedding anniversary is next year which will be another family holiday apparently. It does annoy me that this is presented as fact rather than an invitation!

The problem is I genuinely do love my in laws and although it could be argued they're being a bit short sighted/selfish when it comes to this, I really don't want to upset them. To say no to this feels like saying we don't care about their anniversary and don't want to celebrate with them. We do. We just we wish it was with a meal out or something rather than something that yet again swallows up all our money for the year and therefore cancels out anything we might like to have done. I'm starting to feel like I'm living life for them and extended family and what they want to do rather than for ourselves and what's best for our family.

I should also add that in laws have had a very privileged life and have travelled most of the world. I feel like I've blinked and I'm older than I thought and it should be our time now to start living. However, in laws are in their 70s and although are in good health, DH worries that every holiday may be their last big holiday so always wants to go. I do understand his point, but when does it end?

Should I just suck it up and defer our plans one more time and then say no after this last one? Our finances are stretched and we don't know what will come in the years ahead. It honestly makes me want to cry over all the thousands we've spent these past years on these trips. It's not that they haven't been enjoyable (mainly), more that it's prevented us from doing other things just for us if that makes sense? The thought of money becoming tighter and all the opportunities we had being used for these extended family occasions and then no longer being possible really upsets me.

Is it possible to broach this without looking like the bad guys?

I think you need to tackle this kindly and firmly.

”we do not have the funds or annual leave for extended family holidays. We’ve done x with DH family and we will match the same for my family but we are now doing our own thing”

How do you “share” Christmas. How involved were your DH grandparents when he was a kid?

Book whatever you want for 2027 NOW.

then you nothing qhen it comes up again....
"Oh no! I saw a good deal so i already booked a non refundable holiday in X for 2027. Holidays for 4 ij holidays are so expensive now - We cant afford two... so unless you can pay we wont he able to come."

I work too hard to spend my annual leave any way other than with my kids doing what I want.

I think definitely YANBU and you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone!

I did think from your OP that you kids were about 15 or so, with the worry about last chances and how many times you’ve been away together. You have almost their whole childhoods left! Doesn’t mean you should do what the in-laws want but you also can relax that you have plenty if years of family holidays to go. If that helps!

It would be right of them to assume you don't care about their anniversary. Why would you care about someone else's wedding anniversary? I've always thought that was a thing for the couple themselves to celebrate.

Just be straight. We won’t be able to join you this time. We look forward to catching up and celebrating your anniversary when you get back.

No further discussion required.

I can't imagine expecting my extended family to go away for an occasion that's primarily special to me/dh (like a wedding anniversary) and not paying. It's really rude, especially if they're well-off and you're not.

I think it's more than reasonable to say to them that you would like a holiday as a 4 next year and can't afford both. The ball is then in their court to offer if they really want you there.

I did ten years of holidays with the in-laws and they paid every time (accommodation). Tbh we couldn’t have, and didn’t afford more than a weekend camping or a couple of nights at a youth hostel under our own steam. To be expected to take ONLY holidays that you have no choice about but which you pay for yourselves is not imo in the slightest normal. I never thought that my in-laws understood exactly how broke we were, they made a few comments, but they always paid. I feel lucky that we had that but I did also find it a bit stressful if I’m honest, it wasn’t what we would have chosen and tbh even the drive to the venues etc was sometimes a financial stretch for us. It was lovely when we just went away camping locally and doing what we could really afford and enjoyed.

Yes you’re going to have to be the bad guy in this ludicrous situation. Your Dh might have to experience how nice it can be just doing your own thing for once. You wouldn’t be doing a thing wrong. Going on holiday to celebrate another couples anniversary seems mad to me - what about your anniversary??

It's actually really rude that they've expected you to attend all this stuff without any financial considerations.

We've had this a bit with my dad. He and SM tend to arrange a big family holiday and ask us all to join them (there are several siblings with spouses and kids). They pay for the accommodation and we pay for our travel and everyone chips in for food and drink. We've been a few times, but early on, when we realised that it was going to be almost every year, I insisted that we set the precedent that we wouldn't always go. So we join about every third holiday and the other years we do our own thing. It is hard the first time you say 'No', but it's essential if you don't want your entire budget and precious annual leave to be eaten up with family trips that aren't even remotely relaxing or to places or accommodation that you'd actually choose! And also, you don't them to EXPECT you to join, you want them to ASK and for you to have the ability to say NO THANK YOU! So yeah, I think you will have to be the bad guy(s), but hopefully once you've set the precedent it will be easier in future.

In general I don't think yabu however both you and your dh need to be on the same page and I don't think you are. We did one family holiday with dh's family and I would agree to another but not at the expense of our own family holiday. I love my mil but I am not paying for a holiday to put up with my sil and bil unless we have down days where we can do our own thing.

As you have a good relationship with your inlaws I would be honest and say that you'd love to take them for a meal when you get back but intended to do a child focused holiday this year. If they get in a mood, quite frankly so what? They will get over it and it really isn't unreasonable to point out that they have had their fair share of holidays as a nuclear family so now it really is your turn.

My own lovely mum has a milestone birthday this year but we have 5 milestone birthdays this year including my own. We have been honest and said we cant afford to go on another holiday 3 months after our family holiday (I did invite her to join us and would have paid for it) but I am happy to pay for her ticket should she go with the rest of my siblings.

Love it! Get in quick with this and tell your Dh there’s nowt wrong with his parents and they’ll be around for years.

2 of my cousins do an annual family holiday, one of them refuses and does child centric holidays for while the dc are young enough to want to/have to.

The argument of 'this could be the last' is pointless b/c it could but you've had several great ones already and also, that argument could go on for 10 more years.

Lack of imagination on my part perhaps but what amazing holiday would you plan with 3-5yr olds? Surely a big family holiday with lots of entertaining cousins and extra adults in a foreign (perhaps sunny?) location is ideal? Plus these will be memories the DCs and their cousins cherish. Perhaps you resent the costs?

PPs on MN often talk about taking primary aged children out of school for a 'once in a lifetime' holiday but others observe that children that age do not remember much if anything ...

Again, lack of imagination on my part perhaps but holidaying with 3-5 yr olds is not v exciting. They're always needing naps and you can't go out to a naice restaurant ... We went away every summer as a 4-some but it was just a fortnight in France at a flat with a pool near the sea - like being at home but with a pool and nicer weather. We took a day trip to the zoo and to the nearest city. Without looking at the photos, I'm sure DDs hardly remember a thing.

‘That sounds lovely, but we are going to have a holiday just the X of us, so won’t be able to join you. We have never done that and want to do some holidays like that whilst the kids are still young. We also need to pay for some renovations on the house so have to prioritise that as well. Hopefully we can join you all for a lovely meal to celebrate though.

I only ever agreed to go on holiday with my in laws because they paid!

Did your husband have every single family holiday with his grandparents as well?

Just a few thoughts from the other side. We have done a couple of family holidays with all our children and families. We have always paid for accommodation and transport plus quite a bit of food. We do ask politely although we really wanted everyone together for our 50th wedding anniversary that was how we wanted to celebrate. Try quite hard to make it fun for everyone with different ages/ interests etc . Would never pressure. We always thought we had forever but last autumn we had to cancel our own holiday due to serious illness. Now completely different serious illness has raised it’s head and the family will be going away together but without us this summer. Really don’t know what the future holds. But op I don’t think you’re being unreasonable although I would second that holidays with small children are not relaxing at all . We always had rubbish accommodation it was all we could afford and it did feel a bit like the same stuff with different scenery. I hope you have fun whatever you do.

So you are either holidaying with your parents or your ILs?

What's the difference?

@RandomMess we are very fair with Christmas. We make sure we alternate with both sides for the day (although we have discussed starting to maybe stay at home on the actual day soon) and always see everyone in the surrounding days.

I think it's the 'celebration' attachment that makes it so much harder to say no. If it was just a 'family holiday' then opting out wouldn't feel like a big deal. It's the anniversary celebration attachment and we'll likely be the only ones who wouldn't go. It would feel like a personal snub of their anniversary I suppose. But in the context of all the other holidays in recent years that's the issue. I think from their perspective, every 2 years probably seems very reasonable. But when you factor my side of the family in, and look at it over the past 6 year period, our own holidays/breaks are just non-existent and the money has all been swallowed up. But it's awkward to explain that. And I suppose from their perspective, like another poster has said - we have our whole lives ahead of us. And their anniversary is 'this particular year'. But I'm just waiting for our lives to start a bit and I don't feel like a spring chicken!

Such a long post - you need to go back to your DH with this.

@Friedscrambledpoachedmy DGM is nearly 106, I truly regret the Mothers Days, the Christmas days, every other celebration day over the last ?30? years that we as a family have swallowed as the "it could be her last" ... My DM is in her 80s now and has given up so many days that she should have spent being spoiled herself because of her mother.
Please enjoy your children whilst they're young, make family memories of your own, before time slips away from you x

YANBU. just say you’ve already spent your annual holiday budget on a wee family holiday just you and the children. And that you simply could not afford another holiday.
ball is in their court then. They can offer to pay for you if they so desperately want you there, or let you do your own thing.

This changes things massively.

“sorry parents in law but we have already planned xyz and can’t afford to do both. We’d love to go out for lunch to celebrate your anniversary!”

Precisely!

I see anniversaries as a couple thing, you don’t need all the family there surely?

How come these family members who live abroad don't come back here sometimes?

This!

I am watching this thread with interest as lm in a vaguely similar situation which l will most likely have to negotiate in the next few months. Problem is if l am not careful then every years holiday will be swallowed up be someone's big birthday or celebration. Sadly we don't have the money to go on multiple holidays abroad each year. The family member who is having the “big birthday” is going to get shitty with accusations of us being selfish, thoughtless, not making an effort etc. Ungrateful about what?! We have to pay and use annual leave, to go to a destination we wouldn't have really chosen... Plus they rarely want to do much for other people’s birthdays. I think a lot of the celebration angle is emotional blackmail lm afraid