AIBU to say no to another in laws family holiday?

[Friedscrambledpoached]

To say no or at least show that it's a bit if an imposition...Basically we have a young family and since our children were born our holidays have been largely dictated to us by in laws.

I genuinely love my in-laws and I like spending time with them. They're great with the kids, supportive and help out when we need it. However, we've had 3 'milestone' birthdays where the celebrations have centred around a holiday. I should add DH has a sibling who lives abroad, so I understand why it's a more important opportunity for the family to all get together as time together can be limited. However, I'm a bit sad that our annual leave and money are always dedicated to these extended family holidays which tbh aren't at places I would choose and tend to be very chaotic rather than relaxing.

If not for the 'milestone' birthday aspect I likely would have said no to so many extended family holidays until we had a few more holidays of our own choosing under our belt. We've only managed to get away as a nuclear family once so far. I also feel the need to try and balance things up by going on holiday with my family occasionally so they don't feel left out which doesn't leave much time or money leftover.

Now most approaching 'milestones' that I was aware of are over and I was looking forward to starting to spend our annual holiday budget and valuable annual leave on making memories as a nuclear family and doing what we want to do. Especially as the kids childhoods seem to be flying by so fast, there's certain things I want to do before they get too old. And we haven't been away together just as a couple in 4 years. However, FIL has just announced that their wedding anniversary is next year which will be another family holiday apparently. It does annoy me that this is presented as fact rather than an invitation!

The problem is I genuinely do love my in laws and although it could be argued they're being a bit short sighted/selfish when it comes to this, I really don't want to upset them. To say no to this feels like saying we don't care about their anniversary and don't want to celebrate with them. We do. We just we wish it was with a meal out or something rather than something that yet again swallows up all our money for the year and therefore cancels out anything we might like to have done. I'm starting to feel like I'm living life for them and extended family and what they want to do rather than for ourselves and what's best for our family.

I should also add that in laws have had a very privileged life and have travelled most of the world. I feel like I've blinked and I'm older than I thought and it should be our time now to start living. However, in laws are in their 70s and although are in good health, DH worries that every holiday may be their last big holiday so always wants to go. I do understand his point, but when does it end?

Should I just suck it up and defer our plans one more time and then say no after this last one? Our finances are stretched and we don't know what will come in the years ahead. It honestly makes me want to cry over all the thousands we've spent these past years on these trips. It's not that they haven't been enjoyable (mainly), more that it's prevented us from doing other things just for us if that makes sense? The thought of money becoming tighter and all the opportunities we had being used for these extended family occasions and then no longer being possible really upsets me.

Is it possible to broach this without looking like the bad guys?

our children were born our holidays have been largely dictated to us by in laws.

how odd

How old are your kids?

Sorry, the inlaws aren’t paying for the holiday?

fuck that for a game of soldiers.

I hope they pay?

Yeah the limited choice of holidays is definitely annoying when you're living in a different country. Could you say you already have plans? Would that be acceptable, as in would they accept that as a reason for not coming? If they pay would that change anything for you?

‘Hope you enjoy your anniversary trip. We can get together for a meal when you’re back’ to the ILs.
to tour DH- it may or not be their last big holiday and the same goes for you. No one knows what may happen tomorrow so he should take into account your wishes too (which aren’t unreasonable).

You say exactly what you’ve said here

“we love you very much and it’s not that we don’t enjoy the mass family holidays, but we can’t afford to do that and go away as a family. Since the children have been born we’ve been away just us once, and with the extended family x times. So, although your wedding anniversary holiday sounds lovely, we can’t afford that and to go away just us. So this time we’re going to say no and we’d love to go out for dinner with you when you’re back”

Can you say you’ve already planned something else as a nuclear family and can’t afford this too?
This is what I would do.
”oh that sounds lovely, but we’ve already planned to go to France with Freddy & Betty next year. Shall we do a lovely family dinner to celebrate when you’re back?”

I would say no. Why wouldn’t you? Their reaction will show you how ‘great’ they really are. Your children’s childhood is passing as quickly as your in laws latter years, your DH argument on this scope is ridiculous.
And they don’t pay? Selfish on a few fronts I would say.

This! Well beyond time to arrange your own holidays.

YANBU.

The 'this could be their last' is emotional blackmail, particularly if they're well enough to travel & look after the GC.

I assume your parents are also aging and you'd quite like to spend some time with them? And your kids are also growing and you'd like to enjoy a child-centred holiday before they ignore you & are only interested in whether the pool has wifi?

I guess the compromise would be perhaps overlapping holidays 5 days with the family then staying on for 5 days, or getting your own villa/kids hotel separately? But I appreciate that doesn't solve the crux of the matter which is that you (completely reasonably) want to relax and enjoy a holiday just the 4 of you.

DH is being selfish. Would he embrace 4 years of holidays with his ILs with a smile?

Some good suggestions on wording from pp's.

It is a difficult situation OP, and we've had similar ourselves a number of times when our overseas family come to the UK. We are expected to drop everything and make ourselves available at a time and place of their choosing. Then we are viewed as the unreasonable ones if we say we can't, because they've 'come all this way'. to see us. Trouble is, they don't discuss any of their plans with us first! Fortunately, they don't grace us with their presence every year.

I would say that unfortunately, you already have plans for next year's holiday as you were not aware that their anniversary would also be a holiday (not that I think it matters).

That way you get out of it without causing too much offence by just saying no.

However, if it was me I would just say no. Family time is precious and your in laws should not be dictating that. From the sounds of it they are jot paying for your share of the holiday either so I think its selfish they are dictating how much and where you spend your own money!

Kids are 3 and 5.

No they've never offered to pay unfortunately. If they were paying we'd have no problem going at all (other than carefully planning annual leave) as we would still be able to afford our own nuclear family holiday and perhaps a night or two at a spa or something as a couple.

A few friends have suggested that we ask them to pay. I feel cheeky but actually when I think of all the money we've laid out for their celebrations the last few years maybe I shouldn't. We have a limit and I think we've reached it.

My worry is that they will view it as us not deeming their event/holiday 'worth' our money. The year we did manage to go away just the 3 of us, they were discussing holidays 'assuming' that we would be doing another altogether but DH said 'we're doing our own thing this year' and they pulled a face. They're very social and don't seem to understand why we'd want to be alone. I don't think they see a difference and just find it rude and 'excluding'.

We did mention that we were thinking of doing something more aimed at the kids that year but I think they just assume we can either afford to do both or will do it the year after. But I'm sick of waiting and deferring. As I say, money is bit rocky and I'm really worried things will take a turn for the worse and we won't actually be able to afford the things we want to do the year after. I'll be so angry if we've spent the money we've saved on their trip and then can't afford our own. Again!

Oh no, they can't dictate when you're paying for it yourselves.
And though not impossible it is unlikely to be anyone's last holiday & if you carry on like this then your own dc will be grown up & you will have missed your own little family holidays.

Honestly can't see why you should go anywhere for somebody else's anniversary & it should never be presented to you as a foregone conclusion.
Your dh needs to back you in this, don't do it on your own.

YANBU. If they want big extended holidays to celebrate their milestone birthdays and anniversaries, they should be putting their hand in their pockets and paying for it. I think you’re going to have to deal with it as DH sounds too wet to stand up to his DPs. “Thanks for the invite, but this year we had planned to take the DCs to Disneyworld before they become too old for it so we’re using all our holiday savings for that.” If they kick off, say what you have said here, it’s been 4 years since you’ve had a holiday with just the DCs and they grow up so quickly that you don’t want to miss this time with them in your own.

I fully sympathise. You've been sucked into a family dynamic that will be hard to break without some push-back.

The key is getting your DH onboard with breaking the pattern. The wedding anniversary occasion would be a good place to start, because you can offer alternative suggestions. A special meal out locally or a long weekend away in the UK, so you are not rejecting them but just starting your own family traditions.

If DH says no, gotta be the same-old holiday abroad.. well, the nuclear option would be to say no, you're not going to go; that you intend to save your holiday time and budget for things you want to do, and he can go on his own with the DC. ( This might not be such a bad idea, actually.) That, at least, would get his attention and flag how important the issue is to you.

If he spouts "the last holiday before they die" guff, reming him this might be the last holiday before you die, and you'd like your last holiday to be a proper holiday and not yet another family get-together.

Good luck, I think you're going to need it.

YANBU.

I would 100% pick something from your bucket list and do that. If they pull anymore faces or make any comments just come out and say you simply can't afford both. They may offer to pay or not. But surely they can appreciate a young family don't have unlimited finances.

It's their wedding anniversary every year. Tell them you can't get off work then, or book your own trip wherever else - fait accompli. If them pulling a face is the worst that happens, you'll all get past it.

They don’t sound all that lovely to me

You’ve done enough. It’s the right thing now for all family relationships for you to trust your gut and tend to your own needs for your nuclear family - because if you don’t the resentment will just grow and grow even without words contempt will be implicit.

Get ahead of them each year. Have your holidays, already planned, budgeted and inked in…..and don’t let them join you.

This sounds like quite an enmeshed family which is not healthy (your gut is telling you) but seems that your DH and you are possibly bound by FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) - it’s really a red flag if you don’t feel you can speak up and allocate your own time and resources to create your own generation family experiences, preferences and memories.

The IL had that experience raising their own DC - it’s your turn now.

You’re missing out on quality holiday time with your kids so just say no!!!

@Friedscrambledpoached So this is about a holiday they want next year.

What's happening this year?

YANBU for all the reasons you’ve said.

plus: However, in laws are in their 70s and although are in good health, DH worries that every holiday may be their last big holiday so always wants to go.…

there could well, we hope, be a lot of “last big holidays” until the Last Big Holiday and it’s bizarre to behave each time as though This Is The One. During which period, you’ll never get much peace and quiet to yourselves, until it’s your turn to be the quivering elderly.

No idea how you deal with it, though. Sorry

I think DH also likes the kids to spend time with their cousins and these holidays are the only real chance they get as they live abroad. But as you say, these arguments could go on forever and we'll blink and we won't have had any nuclear family holidays in another 5 years!

Trouble is saying we've planned something else. Unless it's actually booked I don't think that will wash with them. But we can't book that far in advance and we need to save/see how finances are.

I'm just going to have to be the bad guy aren't I.