Page 29 | OH wants custody of baby niece?

milkshakess · 2026-05-08T09:55:03+00:00

So OH's younger sister has recently had a baby and there is possibility that the baby may end up in care. She already has an 18 year olds on who has lived with their mum since he was 8. She dips in and out of his life, she even forgot his last birthday, she hasn't really been a mum to him at all. Despite this he has turned out to be a lovely, smart and hard working lad. Everyone was so surprised by the pregnancy. From what we understand she was kept in hospital for 2 weeks whilst some kind of team were getting stuff ready for the baby. I think the hospital staff were monitoring and observing her interact with the baby and something must of been flagged? Her mum has sold her house and was due to move abroad in September but she had been visiting her and the baby at the hospital daily and helping. OH isn't really close to his sister but he is close to her son, he calls OH the "best uncle" as him and the other uncles have all chipped into help raise him. OH would sometimes not see his sister for years and she was always changing her number and would have to talk to her though her son. Anyway the family don't want the baby to end up in care but everyone has young kids themselves ( we have toddlers and are trying for a 3rd). OH wants to go for custody but the care would really fall on me and I work from home and have a very flexible job. Just wanted input on the situation as OH and the family don't want the baby to go into care

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2026 08:26

I think the only way this could work is that you legally adopt baby so that you both have rights and the mum /sister can’t dip in and out and play mummy

if mum is willing for her to go into care etc she doesn’t seem that concerned

you say everyone has young kids - so who is the family /siblings

sister /mum
dp
How may other brothers as you say uncles

why would it be you/dp who look after adopt her

and not one of the other brothers /sil

would you still want ttc baby 3 so have 4 kids

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 08:28

PinkEasterbunny · 09/05/2026 08:18

Tribal communities practice cooperative parenting , and in at least one tribe, the Hadzabe, researchers who stayed with them found that children can have 17 alloparents, in another it’s about 6. We talk about ‘it takes a village’ but they live it. Their whole attitude to child rearing is different to ours. That does not make it a fantasy. The children have a lot of autonomy, once weaned and can choose how they spend their days.

Perfect. So can someone give Hadzabe a call?

😂 I’m loving your sarcasm!

PinkEasterbunny · 09/05/2026 08:29

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 00:25

A man you're not married to wants you to adopt a baby you're not related to and become forever embroiled in his family's issues and tied to a woman with mental health issues, as well as being unable to try for your own much anticipated third baby, while being expected to mother a baby you are not related to with no guarantees of any kind moving forward.

You don't want to do this.

So the answer is, unequivocally and very simply - No.

This post nails it for me

Drumrollpls · 09/05/2026 08:29

Lunde · 08/05/2026 23:29

I think some people have watched way too many Hallmark movies and are just seeing this with rose-tinted spectacles of "Ahhh, a cute baby - it will be just like having your own" and it's fam-lee.

It really isn't.

I've known people who have done it or people that have fostered long term in general, and it is really hard work. It you are considering it you need to go into it with your eyes open and really think about the issues.

You will have Social Services in your life a lot who will often expect you to drop everything (and take time off work) at short notice to attend meetings/case conferences etc.
Why is this baby coming into care? Has the mum relinquished the baby or is there neglect, substance abuse, severe mental health issues, refusal to leave a violent partner etc?
If there is alcohol/drug abuse is it likely that disabilities have resulted that may not be diagnosed yet? Foetal Alcohol Syndrome etc?
If there is a risk of harm then there will be medical assessments etc. Someone I knew fought long and hard for a proper diagnosis and then specialist SEND provision.
What are social services long term plans? Are they looking to return the baby to mum? Will you be expected to facilitate this?
What contact will you be expected to maintain with the mum, dad, paternal family etc? Will you be expected to do contact in your home or travel to contact centres/their home. One person I knew found it caused many problems with her own kids because weekends were taken up ferrying the fostered kids to mum/dad and sometimes grandparents at a contact centre 40 miles away.
Are the mum/dad likely to cause trouble or disruption? Will you have full parental responsibility? I know someone whose family member pulled some very spiteful stunts that really hurt the kids - just because she could and still had PR.
Will the wider family recognize you as the parent or will you be undermined every time that mum decides to drop back into the kid's life.
What is your DH prepared to sacrifice and give up? Or is it him making the big man talk gesture for his family while you do the work and give up your dreams....?
What will you do the next time if there are more babies? I knew someone who felt really guilty at having to say no but in the end there were 4 younger siblings.

@milkshakess Print out this list when you are discussing it with your partner.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 08:32

The thing is, it's not just taking in the baby. It's also taking on the baggage of a mother who will have rights and parental authority, dip in and out of the child's life, and all the requirements of foster parenting. I've foster parented. You get a lot of requirements to meet, places to be, and you are told when, it's not negotiated. If it gets in the way of your own needs, commitments, or that of your other children, tough. It also means having social services involved regularly with your own family. It's not as simple as just welcoming the baby, it's a whole life that goes with it.

Hence I would tell my DH, fine, if the mother relinquishes the baby for a legal, closed adoption. Then I'll consider it.

FungibleAssets · 09/05/2026 08:36

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 09/05/2026 07:42

Wow. And we’re the gross and demented ones?

Sure, it’s complicated…

As an aside, why are so many people fixated on the lack of marriage? That doesn’t seem to be a concern or priority for OP? They already have 2 children, planning a 3rd, together 12 years. Marriage is not always the guarantee people think. Is OP not to be considered as family?

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Sigh. The OP is not a SAHM, but has a very curtailed working life, and is essentially a daytime SAHM who has primary responsibility for their existing children and would be doing the vast majority of the caring for her SIL’s baby, if she were to be placed with them in a kinship care setting. She needs to think about her financial security before going any further. Marriage is one step towards doing that.

And yes, people should stop banging on about adoption. This baby is not, as matters stand, adoptable. The SIL has not relinquished her, and doesn’t want to.

What would be likely to be up for discussion would be a kinship carer/SGO placement. Which leaves parental relationships intact, unlike adoption. The SIL would still be legally the child’s parent. the OP and her partner would be sharing parental responsibility with the child’s mother and possibly the local authority. Decisions about key aspects of he child’s life would have to be discussed with whoever else has PR.

It wouldn’t be a matter of this baby magically replacing the third birth child the OP wants. It would be significantly different in all kinds of ways.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 08:38

People, people, people!

Please read all of the OPs posts before wading in with more ‘cancel the cheque’ nonsense.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 08:42

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 09/05/2026 08:38

People, people, people!

Please read all of the OPs posts before wading in with more ‘cancel the cheque’ nonsense.

or more "any baby will do, this is your third baby" nonsense.
or more virtue signalling "oh I couldn't abandon the ickle pickle babee" nonsense

Overworkedandknackered · 09/05/2026 08:47

Would it be possible for the grandmother to cancel her retirement abroad and live with the mother and child to support her to be a mother, with the support of her brothers too? If she wants to keep the baby this would be better for everyone.

Binus · 09/05/2026 08:50

Overworkedandknackered · 09/05/2026 08:47

Would it be possible for the grandmother to cancel her retirement abroad and live with the mother and child to support her to be a mother, with the support of her brothers too? If she wants to keep the baby this would be better for everyone.

Not sure how that would be better for the grandmother!

OP has specified she's in her 60s, which was obvious given the plans to retire, the 18 year old grandchild and multiple adult kids. DSIL shows no indication of being able to parent unsupported, which means your idea is potentially signing DGM up for this into her 80s. She might very well die before she gets to not parent.

UKToddler3738292 · 09/05/2026 08:58

Binus · 09/05/2026 08:50

Not sure how that would be better for the grandmother!

OP has specified she's in her 60s, which was obvious given the plans to retire, the 18 year old grandchild and multiple adult kids. DSIL shows no indication of being able to parent unsupported, which means your idea is potentially signing DGM up for this into her 80s. She might very well die before she gets to not parent.

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The grandmother is SIL's parent. If it's anyone's responsibility to help, it's the grandmother. She's the mother of this completely irresponsible adult and has also set a precedent by taking in the first child.

OP isn't related to ANY of them. Not by blood, not legally either.

If the people actually related to this woman are so adamant that the child stays in the family, they should step up. Not ask an unrelated woman to give up MORE of her career, finances and independence as well as her desire to have her own third child.

The DP has other brothers too. Why aren't any of them stepping up?

Also, fuck what's best for the grandmother. That's her concern and her children's concern alone. OP has to think about what's best for her.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:00

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 09/05/2026 07:33

Just FYI - OP has been with OH for 12 years, that’s commitment enough should adoption be the situation. They also have 2 children together on top. Marriage is not a requirement for adoption approval.

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lol. Nah. Marriage is the absolute minimum commitment before you dump a woman with an unrelated high needs baby and your messed up family dynamic. As well as marriage, a written contract outlining how much work he will be doing to look after his relative.

Or, better still, she can just say no, since that's what she wants anyway - and yep that is what she wants. That's the only reason she started this thread.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:00

UKToddler3738292 · 09/05/2026 08:58

The grandmother is SIL's parent. If it's anyone's responsibility to help, it's the grandmother. She's the mother of this completely irresponsible adult and has also set a precedent by taking in the first child.

OP isn't related to ANY of them. Not by blood, not legally either.

If the people actually related to this woman are so adamant that the child stays in the family, they should step up. Not ask an unrelated woman to give up MORE of her career, finances and independence as well as her desire to have her own third child.

The DP has other brothers too. Why aren't any of them stepping up?

Also, fuck what's best for the grandmother. That's her concern and her children's concern alone. OP has to think about what's best for her.

Edited

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Yup. This.

eotwaski · 09/05/2026 09:01

Binus · 09/05/2026 08:50

Not sure how that would be better for the grandmother!

OP has specified she's in her 60s, which was obvious given the plans to retire, the 18 year old grandchild and multiple adult kids. DSIL shows no indication of being able to parent unsupported, which means your idea is potentially signing DGM up for this into her 80s. She might very well die before she gets to not parent.

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Lots of parents with children who have disabilities will never get to 'not parent'. The grandmother has a DD who has a mental health disability. Her life is not more important than the life of OP or her children. The grandmother can step up and change her life plans just as well as anyone. If anything, she has more responsibility than the siblings and spouses of the sister.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:02

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 08:42

or more "any baby will do, this is your third baby" nonsense.
or more virtue signalling "oh I couldn't abandon the ickle pickle babee" nonsense

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Right. It's actually revolting to treat a baby like a Furby - oh can't you have your own new Furby? Never mind here's someone else's that's just as good!

Every last one of these people are vile since they dared to procreate and didn't just adopt instead, by their own logic.

Needspaceforlego · 09/05/2026 09:02

Overworkedandknackered · 09/05/2026 08:47

Would it be possible for the grandmother to cancel her retirement abroad and live with the mother and child to support her to be a mother, with the support of her brothers too? If she wants to keep the baby this would be better for everyone.

I don't think that will help any one.
The DGM must be in her 60s, effectively taking care of a newborn means she'll be 80 before that child is an adult.

The Mum is likely to disappear for months at a time the way she did with the boy, leaving the DGM to be solo parent.
Thats a huge ask for someone in their 60/70/80.

There is also the sad risk that DGM might not see 80, or be 80 with health deterioration and not really be fit to care for the child. Which means in 5/10/15 years the child could end up getting taken into care at that point.
Even more disruptive than proper decisions being made at this point in time.

The Gran has been responsible for children for most of her adult life, she does deserve some time to herself.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 09:02

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:02

Right. It's actually revolting to treat a baby like a Furby - oh can't you have your own new Furby? Never mind here's someone else's that's just as good!

Every last one of these people are vile since they dared to procreate and didn't just adopt instead, by their own logic.

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this.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:03

Binus · 09/05/2026 08:50

Not sure how that would be better for the grandmother!

OP has specified she's in her 60s, which was obvious given the plans to retire, the 18 year old grandchild and multiple adult kids. DSIL shows no indication of being able to parent unsupported, which means your idea is potentially signing DGM up for this into her 80s. She might very well die before she gets to not parent.

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Who cares what's better for the grandmother? She's a blood relative, she can step up instead of this family trying to dump OP with an unrelated baby foisted on her by a man shes not married to.

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:05

PinkEasterbunny · 09/05/2026 08:29

This post nails it for me

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Thank you - and thank God for common sense. Some of these replies are genuinely awful.

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:05

UKToddler3738292 · 09/05/2026 08:58

The grandmother is SIL's parent. If it's anyone's responsibility to help, it's the grandmother. She's the mother of this completely irresponsible adult and has also set a precedent by taking in the first child.

OP isn't related to ANY of them. Not by blood, not legally either.

If the people actually related to this woman are so adamant that the child stays in the family, they should step up. Not ask an unrelated woman to give up MORE of her career, finances and independence as well as her desire to have her own third child.

The DP has other brothers too. Why aren't any of them stepping up?

Also, fuck what's best for the grandmother. That's her concern and her children's concern alone. OP has to think about what's best for her.

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Again, the grandmother is in her 60s. You can't moralise an elderly person into being capable of 18 years further parenting work. Quite how anyone thinks that would be in the best interests of the baby is also bemusing. It is a really shit idea.

Your last three paragraphs make a different point, and are much more sensible. I don't know why you want to tie them to a suggestion of putting a pensioner in charge of a two decade commitment. There is a lot of cheek being shown towards OP here, albeit it's possible OH hasn't given an accurate account to his siblings.

But the reality is that it might not be possible for the baby to stay within the family. There's no iron law saying that will automatically be possible.

godmum56 · 09/05/2026 09:05

It occurs to me that the OP has said that there are other families related to this baby who also have young children but has not said why none of them can take this baby?

Booboobagins · 09/05/2026 09:06

You don't mention your emotional attachment at all to your nephew or niece. Why?

If you can afford it and this poor baby may end up in care, do it. Your DP and you need to determine how childcare will be managed.

But aim worried you are emotionless, so may not be the right person to bring this child up.

You also don't mention your DCs so I assume you have none.

PinkEasterbunny · 09/05/2026 09:07

Who cares what's better for the grandmother? She's a blood relative, she can step up instead of this family trying to dump OP with an unrelated baby foisted on her by a man shes not married to.

Yes, there are so many blood relatives in this scenario yet the (unrelated) OP seems to become the target here?

Greenwitchart · 09/05/2026 09:09

Well, you want a third child and there is a baby that needs a home...

In your situation I would take this girl on and adopt her.

But if you can't picture yourself raising this child then you need to be honest with your partner but expect that this might create a big rift between the two of you.

The grand mother has already done her part and raised her grandson to adulthood and it is completely unreasonable to expect her to now take on a baby in her retirement and to have to cancel her plans of moving abroad.

Binus · 09/05/2026 09:09

Andthatmyfriendisthat · 09/05/2026 09:03

Who cares what's better for the grandmother? She's a blood relative, she can step up instead of this family trying to dump OP with an unrelated baby foisted on her by a man shes not married to.

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The poster who said it was better for everyone evidently did. Alternatively they should make clear from their language that 'everyone' doesn't include the grandmother. It's not likely it's even best for the baby.

Why do you think a retiree taking on an 18 year commitment that there's a decent chance they won't even survive long enough to complete is better for the baby whose care you appear to want to use as some kind of moral lesson? It's not a binary choice between OP and a woman who'll potentially be in her 80s by the time the baby turns 18.