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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents taking one child out

71 replies

girlmummy25 · 07/05/2026 17:13

So I have 2 children, my girl is nearly 7 and my boy is 3.5.
My MIL & FIL will offer to take my girl to dinner after school with her 2 older cousins however, my son never gets invited. Im guessing because of his age.

it started about a year ago so I understood he was still young and probably a bit harder work so I used to just let me girl go with them however, now he is that bit older he recognises that my girl is getting taken out by the grandparents and he isnt.

AIBU to now tell grandparents that DD cant come as DS is getting upset seeing her leave with them?

OP posts:
vladimirVsvolodymr · 07/05/2026 17:14

Could it be that they can’t handle him yet?

vladimirVsvolodymr · 07/05/2026 17:15

There’s is a huge difference between a 7 and 3 year old child

sittingonabeach · 07/05/2026 17:16

Did they only start if when your DD was older than your DS is now?

MintTwirl · 07/05/2026 17:16

Surely once he is school age he will then be invited along.

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 07/05/2026 17:16

It’s probably his age. If they only started doing this last year your daughter would have been 5/6 years old.

How old are the cousins?

WaneyEdge · 07/05/2026 17:17

YABU. It’s very unfair on your DD to stop her doing something nice with DGP and cousins just because her DB isn’t invited. They are individuals with different needs/wants/personalities not a duo that must always do everything the same.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 07/05/2026 17:20

Do they ever do anything with your youngest? Even just like coming to your house to play with him for a bit while you’re there?

I think they are not being unreasonable to only offer to take out an older child if that’s all they’re up to doing.

I think you are not unreasonable to not want the children treated unequally and have one of them upset. I don’t think he needs to go out for dinner, but I’d ask them to give him a bit of attention before taking his sister out.

Credittocress · 07/05/2026 17:20

I think they need to be offering to do something with your son, even if it’s stopping at yours for an hour to do some colouring at the kitchen table or walk them to the park so they can see they get their own “special” grandparent time too.

Children have a clear understanding of fairness and right and wrong- but not much understanding of how much work they are. He will be seeing at this age his sibling gets more attention and a special treat that he can’t rationalise at the moment.

Original poster
girlmummy25 · 07/05/2026 17:35

No nothing with the youngest on his own. They come to our house or we will go their house every few weekend for a few hours.
I do understand it because of his age but its also not very nice him seeing them come to the door and collecting his sister and him asking where they are going.
He will be 4 in October and has quite a good understanding of stuff.

OP posts:
vickylou78 · 07/05/2026 17:35

I totally get why they may invite the older siblings to eat and not the youngest.

Id explain to your son that hopefully when he is 5 years old (or 6) he'll be able to be taken out for dinner with grandparents like his sister. Explain that his sister didn't get to go until she was 5yrs so it'll be the same for him.

This won't be a strange concept for your son as there will be lots of things that he will have to wait till he's older for, eg. When you daughter is 12 he may have to wait to see certain films that aren't for his age. Certain clubs at school that yr4's can do but younger years can't do etc. etc. so hopefully he won't see it any different to that. Just reassure him that he'll get his time later. Reality is that when your daughter is older and a teenager she's going to have other commitments and so he will probably have grandparents to himself then!

Mischance · 07/05/2026 17:37

It may not be about not being able to handle him but about creating an age mix that will work and give them a good time. I have done this with my GC.

Their mums (my DDs) just take it as a great opportunity for the child going out to mix with older cousins rather than their little brother and a great opportunity for them to have some 1:1 time with their younger child.

And there are times when I devote myself to a younger one. With an age gap it does not always make sense to keep them together for outings - their needs are so different.

I remember my youngest (big gap) getting very affronted when their teenage sister did not want them at their party - I could understand why, but the little one said "She comes to my party!"

Your PIL are doing nothing wrong.

mindutopia · 07/05/2026 17:39

I think that’s okay. It’s an outing for her and her cousins. That’s fine. As long as they do spend time with your 3 year old as well, with you there to help. Looking after presumably at least 4 children (you say cousins plural?) including a toddler is a lot of work for even for someone who isn’t of grandparenting age! Trust me, there will come a time when your dd is 13 ish when she will NOT want to go for dinner with granny, so let them enjoy it and then he will have his turn.

Floppyearedlab · 07/05/2026 17:39

Of course that would be massively unreasonable to deprive your daughter of doing ‘big kid’ things.
That is life. Will you also stop her learning to drive when she is 17 because he won’t be old enough?

Fraughtmum · 07/05/2026 17:40

Its the age difference. Plus taking 4 children out is a lot. Dh takes 2 of his out but not the youngest who's 3.

Nearly50omg · 07/05/2026 17:40

And what happens when he gets to 5 and they STILL don’t take him out?!!

sittingonabeach · 07/05/2026 17:42

Have they explained why and when they will take DS out?

sittingonabeach · 07/05/2026 17:44

Did you offer to go with them?

You DD will be doing more and more things without DS as she gets older and has her own friends

theresnolimits · 07/05/2026 17:48

I am that grandparent that chooses to take my GC out separately sometimes. Although I am fit and active, it’s just a really different experience with a 7 year old and a 3 year old.

I do sometimes just have the three year old alone too and we do activities purely for him.

You’re a ‘unit’ as a family but to me the children are not a ‘matching pair’ and it’s great to enjoy them as individuals. Your child will take their cue from you - spend special time with him and he will look forward to waving his sister out of the door. Make a fuss and he’ll be upset.

SmashThePatriarchy · 07/05/2026 17:50

Just another life lesson. You don’t get to go to everything. There will be things in the future that he does that your daughter won’t do too.

JustGiveMeReason · 07/05/2026 17:51

girlmummy25 · 07/05/2026 17:35

No nothing with the youngest on his own. They come to our house or we will go their house every few weekend for a few hours.
I do understand it because of his age but its also not very nice him seeing them come to the door and collecting his sister and him asking where they are going.
He will be 4 in October and has quite a good understanding of stuff.

......and at that point, you make out to him that Grandparents are looking after her for a bit so that you and him can have 1:1 time to do something special, and distract him with that.

At different ages, dc are always going to be doing different things. The secret to good parenting is letting each child think the 'special time' is about them.

Simple little things ..... get to choose a cake .....go and feed the ducks .... snuggle under a blanket and watch their favourite TV show ...... build a blanket fort and play together ..... get them 'help' you to cook something .... my dc used to think a trip to the local tip was the highlight of the month Wink ... it is about how you talk to them about it.

No doubt when he is older he will be invited.

PurpleThistle7 · 07/05/2026 17:58

I can’t see why you’d leave her out because he’s not old enough yet. My grandparents only had my brother and I one at a time - and didn’t have either of us until we were older than 3. How old are the older cousins? Maybe they don’t want a toddler around for dinner - not always the easiest time of day for a wee one!

hahabahbag · 07/05/2026 17:59

How old was your dd when they first took her? It seems from your post she was already 6 when it started. Taking a youngster under 5 is quite different to a 7 year old partly because they sit still for longer. If in 2 years time they still aren’t doing anything with him then it’s time to say something, eg suggesting an alternative just with him maybe, but not yet, he’s tiny

Elizabeta · 07/05/2026 18:00

I’d make the exits discreet - quickly pop DD out of the door before DS can see the grandparents.

But it’s totally reasonably that they (and probably all the other GC) don’t want a preschooler around. And it would be really unfair to make DD miss out.

I occasionally have to remind myself that different kids get different opportunities. On this particular thing, it probably is unfair to DS.

But there will inevitably be things where life is unfair to your DD - the classic is that I bet that, as the younger sibling, DS does stuff before she was allowed to.

Sunisgettinganewhaton · 07/05/2026 18:02

So make the most of the time with just your ds..

Snorlaxo · 07/05/2026 18:05

Isn’t he used to ideas like dd goes to parties etc and he doesn’t? With an age gap, it is normal that the oldest does things that the youngest can’t or won’t be encouraged to do until older. Your kids are 2 individuals and not a pair, treating them like 2 separate people is the healthiest thing you do.

When dd sees gran then that’s the chance for you and him to do something that is totally centred around his tastes. It’s a chance for one on one time that he got less of because he has an older sibling.