Grandparents taking one child out

[girlmummy25]

So I have 2 children, my girl is nearly 7 and my boy is 3.5.
My MIL & FIL will offer to take my girl to dinner after school with her 2 older cousins however, my son never gets invited. Im guessing because of his age.

it started about a year ago so I understood he was still young and probably a bit harder work so I used to just let me girl go with them however, now he is that bit older he recognises that my girl is getting taken out by the grandparents and he isnt.

AIBU to now tell grandparents that DD cant come as DS is getting upset seeing her leave with them?

We are really firm that our two have to be treated equitably - so if dd gets taken out to dinner, ds should get some equivalent grandparent time

Right - so you boss the GPs around and tell them what they should do rather than respecting their judgement about what they can manage and being grateful for the 7 year old's trip out?

Hmmm ......

I agree with this.

It's incredibly common for girls to be the favoured child so I would put money on this being favouritism which will continue not just an age related thing.

A 3 year old can be quite hard work. It would be really unfair to say your DD can't go unless they take him. Give your DS a treat instead or take him out somewhere.

I don't boss them. But I won't let anyone play favourites with my children. So I'll decline any offers that amount to favouritism.

It's not beneficial for the older child to be a favourite. It does more harm to be favoured, than the benefit of a free dinner. It's nothing to be grateful for as it harms both children, the favoured and the unfavoured

Edit to add - if you are defensive because you are a gp who does this, hmm indeed. Think twice.

Yes. My DM has already shown signs of favouring my DD over my DS and I simply won't allow it. I know she's compensating because her own mother was openly sexist and favoured her brothers. I won't have it, it's so damaging.

It's fascinating that some, presumably grandparents, on this thread think op should be "grateful" for the dd being favoured. No. It harms both children. And her DS is not too young ti recognise it yet.

My eldest often goes to my mum’s without his younger brother. It’s quality time for them without DS2 and with him, it’d be chaos.

does your youngest get any quality time with her?

Hmm I do t think it's necessarily girls. My mum used to take DD1 places without DD2 . 3.5 year age gap and I fully understand why she wouldn't want both together as they argued and fought nonstop.

Why DD2 got older she also had some time with her

DS didn't but that was more because he was so much younger and mum had enough of kids by then ( another 3 grandkids in between)

It is not about having favourites but doing what the GPs can manage and creating a mix of ages that can enjoy themselves together.
The younger child will have their own turn of course. But not on this occasion.

They never do anything with the youngest on his own. So it absolutely is favouritist behaviour.

They'll be having lots of conversations and shared experiences with the older one and getting to know her etc but not the younger one. Then at Christmas the presents will be better thought out for the older one because they know her better. When they see both children together, the older one will greet them more eagerly. So they will reply in kind and convlnce themselves the younger one is just rude, when actually he's shy with them as relative strangers. It's a feedback loop that won't improve.

I've seen this play out several times in my extended family.

You said yourself your DD was 6 when it started. And generally speaking, girls are usually more mature and well behaved than boys. Him going along will likely ruin everything for everyone, and he won't even enjoy it himself (won't sit still, boring conversation etc).
It's mean of you to deprive DD of what must be an enjoyable experience for her - why take it down to the lowest common denominator?
Tell DS than when he is 6 or 7 AND well behaved he can go too. And closer to the time, start telling the in laws that he is looking forward to going too!
And in the meantime, maybe suggest another activity they can take him to, like a trip to the park with an ice cream or something equally age appropriate.

This! There is no reason why you can’t tell him he isn’t old enough yet. It is as simple as that.

Give over!

my eldest 2 grandsons are mature enough to behaviour and control impulsive behaviour when out. The 3 and 1 yo are not. Plus I didn’t choose to grandparent FOUR small children simultaneously. They won’t even all fit into my car! That doesn’t mean I don’t spend time with the youngest two, we’re absolutely do, often looking after them for an hour or two during school time etc. occasionally wet look after all 4 of them at home on the weekend but it’s bedlam. Add they get older, they will each come in holiday with me for a week before the school fines kick in etc so it 100% WILL be equal.

they all get equal time and equal presents. There will come a point where the oldest are too old and cool to come for a sleep over and that’s the youngest time to shine and be honest, the baby in the family will very likely get the very best of me considering im only 48!!! At this rate im going to be having to look after my great grand children too. I’m sure I’ll be criticised then too for taking all 6-9 of them out at the same time 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Did your daughter go out for dinner with them when she was your son's age? It doesn't sound like it. If that's the case you say DD didn't go out for dinner with them until she was 5/6 when you're older you can go too

You say "they all get equal time".
So what you do has no bearing on my comment, which was nothing to do with you. Reread the first line of what I wrote, which doesn't apply to you.

Interesting it seems to have touched a nerve though?

Bit more context…
GPs take the 2 cousins every week to pizza express. Cousins are 12 and 10
Every 8ish weeks they ask my DD to come along which like I said probably only started a year ago.
DS is 3.5 and isnt ‘hard work’ like some 3 year olds are.
Not sure why some people are bashing me for asking for opinions.. I never said anything bad about the GPs… I was just asking!

@girlmummy25 that’s a very big age gap between cousins and DS

I’m with GPs on this one. Three primary school aged kids is a lot to have on your own already - 4 (especially when one is toddler ish age) is tough to handle. Yes the older kids are easier to manage, will hold your hand, can go to the toilet, can feed themselves but they can still have their moments of not listening, running off, asking a million questions, arguing between themselves. I have a 6yo and 2yo and I have to give myself a pep talk before I leave the house every time.

I have similar age children (older boy, just turned 8, younger girl same age as your DS). My older boy can be a bit silly and does still need a bit of managing despite being 8. My younger girl is generally quiet, sensible and well-behaved.

The 8yo is still a lot, lot easier to take out by himself than the 3yo. There are many fewer things to think about or worry about with an older child.

4 kids including a toddler would be a lot for your MIL and FIL to cope with. Let this be your DD's thing that she does with her older cousins and find something else special to do with the toddler.

I seize any chance I have to take one child out by themselves, especially my older one who is at school all week. And I frequently ask relatives and grandparents to take one child on their own rather than both - divide and conquer.

So you want to deprive your DD a treat so that your DS wont feel left out? Your DS will have to learn your children aren't a unit they are individuals. When he is older they will start including him. If they dont then you can get upset. If there are no other ways he is left out ie no christmas present put your foot down. As a grandmother I find my younger DGD really hard to manage, which makes every trip all about her. I feel guilty that my older DGD doesnt get any attention as her younger sister takes all my time. Your son might not sit still at a restaurant table at his age. They might want to actually talk to their Granddsughters.

My in laws used to do that with my eldest. Didn’t see anything wrong with it. Going to dinner with a 6 year old is completely different to a 3 year old. Pretty much all the cousins joined in around 5/6, none before