Asking friend to reschedule our day out because she said she’ll have to bring her child

[Marshmallows1302]

I’m a mum to 2 small children, friend has 1 small child. This weekend we planned a childfree afternoon out, but her DP has forgotten and apparently booked something in. She now said she’ll have to bring her little one along.

AIBU to cancel and ask to reschedule and go and enjoy a nice afternoon out childfree by myself? This isn’t the first time her DP has done this

I don't think that her friend should have rescheduled, at all! I think that she should have 'reminded' her partner - as politely as possible - that she had made her plans before he had made his, and that he had agreed to be the one caring for the child that afternoon, so he was going to have to be the one to rearrange his plans.

If he then absolutely refused to do so, I think that @Marshmallows1302 should have her afternoon out doing something that she loves to do whenever she gets the - probably rare - opportunity to do so. But, I also think that if they are good friends the OP should be preparing to support - however little, or a lot - her friend in the hopefully not too distant future - when her friend eventually realises that she has a serious 'not so dear' partner problem.

Since you say this is not the first time, I'd be a bit worried that this was her DP's way of keeping her on a leash - either intending that she should cancel, or constraining any (imaginary) wild antics by ensuring she had the child to look after.

If that was a possibility I'd go ahead with the outing and try to find a moment to ask her about it when the DC was out of earshot.

It would be a fuck no from me. Just be flippant in your reply to her. A blase no is still a no and should give her pause for thought.

I'd go for a 'Let's leave it then. I need a child free day. Let me know if you can arrange for a another time'.

She needs to understand that changing plans like that, especially when you have also had to arrange childcare, is an absolute piss take.

Are you sure it's her DH? I've had friends in the past who always want their kids with them. Maybe she's using her H as an excuse?

I'm interested to know please, how many of "these women" @Challenger2A7,
have actually confided in you that your statement - above - is correct, as I can't help thinking that actually no-one has ever done so.

Just ask her to let her know when she has a childfree day and you'll make more plans. Any chance you can just change the activity this time and bring your kids, too? Not the same, but it seems a shame to cancel completely!

YWBU if you didn't tell her exactly why you were doing it, otherwise it'll just a cycle of you rescheduling and her wanting to bring her little one if it's not the first time she's done it!

At least if you're honest, then everyone knows where they stand. Some women really don't like going anywhere without their children. I haven't noticed the same trait in men, funny enough.

If she is one of those women then that's fine and her prerogative but she also needs to be honest about that, too. That way you can do playdates with her and not try to include her in non-kids stuff.

This!

I'd find another time for your childfree time, probably accept it won't be with her, and check in on your friend. I was in the same position as your friend. It is indescribably difficult to try to raise a child with a selfish knob. She is not the one at fault here and she needs all the friends she has.

Yeah cancel. I have a very good friend whose DH is useless so she brings her son everywhere. Drives me nuts when I've arranged childcare for mine. Especially when she asks me if I want a cuddle? NO

id just text with

no worries we can reschedule and I get a bonus child free afternoon! Let me know when your other half can have the children and we can sort out

Why do you keep meeting her?! Or at least not telling her you want adult only meets?

I am many years out of an abusive relationship.
My absolute first thought was, he is controlling her. You mention this is not the first time.
I could be very wrong and he is just a thoughtless, forgetful knob.
Or something else.
Either way, enjoy your child free time @Marshmallows1302

My DC are older now, but when they were young if we ended up double booking a night out the person who messed up would be the one to cancel, not automatically me.
In your case, i would be a bit worried that her DH was potentially controlling or at least not actually prepared to look after the child on his own. I would definitely not agree to a day out with her child only, but I might consider bringing your children along too on this occasion if you are keen to see her and arranging a childfree time for yourself another time.
I would definitely be probing though, i.e. asking pretty directly why it is always her that has to cancel when they double book and trying to get a sense of whether he is otherwise doing any hands on parenting. Based on that i would take a view on whether it is worth trying to arrange any more adult only meet ups with her.

What did you decide @Marshmallows1302 ?

Why is it your friend's job to capitulate to her incompetent H?
Why should your arrangements be compromised at the expense of his?

It is possible that she forgot to tell her DH, or that he is being controlling or abusive, because why wouldn't she just tell him bad luck that he forgot he has responsibilities and he'll have to cancel his arrangement?

Whatever the reason, I am sick of women always being expected to make the compromise

Why can’t dh take their child ? If he’s forgotten /booked something

or is she a mum who doesn’t like to be without her child. You said this has happened before

def cancel and tell her why

If it was a genuine mistake and there was no alternative, I would apologise profusely and suggest we rearrange. If my DH had form for it, I would walk out and leave him to deal with the shit show.

The fact your friend has said oh well, I'll just bring them makes her a CF.

Yanbu, first poster nailed it. You’d be using your child free time to entertain hers.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5501852-my-friend-always-wants-to-see-me-with-her-kids-but-without-mine?reply=152059053

Because I love her dearly and she is in the thick of parenting a tough toddler (hers is younger than mine). I know her well, I know her useless DH is the problem.

To be honest, I wouldn't and don't entertain it from anyone else. In fact, I barely know any other friends' kids, I only see them for birthdays or something child focused (rare, most of us arrange babysitters!!).

Yes she would rather inconvenience herself and another woman rather than her husband.

This isn’t the first time her DP has done this

Normally I’d say reschedule, but in this instance I would try to support my friend. Clearly her husband is a selfish git, but it is quite possible that he is also controlling. She may need help and might appreciate a listening ear.

She might have a controlling DH…

Or her OH might have asked if he can go out and she’s just said “yes, don’t worry, I’ll take child with me, OP won’t mind.

We clearly don’t know which one it is.

I will re schedule or make it a children time and bring yours.

If she'd already told her DH and he forgot it's him who should be taking their child with him or changing his plans, not your friend.....not that it helps you much. Maybe you asking her to reschedule will help her challenge her DH if he does the same in future? Otherwise it's just the women taking care of the kids again while men do as they please, isn't it 🙄

Her DP hasn't 'forgotten' 'again'. He doesn't want to be responsible for or do his share with his own child. (Also probably why he's a 'P' and not an 'H' )

but her DP has forgotten and apparently booked something in

I would be saying to her

"Then it is for your dp to either cancel his thing, or take the dc with him, or arrange a babysitter if he arranged his thing after yours was on the calendar".

There's no way I'd be having a rare child free time of my own taken over by someone else's child.

She said it's not the first time he's done this.