AIBU to stop visiting my father in his care home? I don't like my dad.

[AyrshireTryer]

My dad lives in the Midlands and I live in Ayrshire.
He has been in a care home for two years since a fall at home.
He has been in bed for two years, does not want to get up, just not interested.
He is bright as a button. He is in the same care home my mother died in during Covid. He is in the very same room my mother died in during Covid. He thinks this is ok as does my sister.

Last weekend my partner and I went to visit my dad. I rarely get two days off together. We got up at 5, got in the car at six and arrived with him for about 11.45am. He will not have a phone in the care home, although he could have a mobile or even an extension line in his room.

As we walked through the door almost the first thing he said was that his lunch was at 1pm. I know this and either do a very quick visit or go for lunch while he is having his. On the table that goes over my dad's bed were a number of drinks in baby like drinking things - the ones with lids. My partner talks with his hands and my dad said the next time we came we would have to sit in each others places as he was fearful of the drinks being knocked over.

My partner and I had taken some plants out of my dad's garden when he left home and my partner is a keen gardener and spoke about how well these plants were doing, to which my dad showed little interest. My nephew is autistic - repeats what is said - and my dad told me, yet again, how disappointed my mother and he were that nephew is autistic.

The conversation still flowed and at 12.45pm my dad asked us to leave as his lunch was coming.

When my dad lived at home I would ring him every day, sometimes for an hour and sometimes for a quick 'how are you'. By not having a phone he has broken this contact.

My sister lives five minutes from him and is an absolute star popping in on him every other day.

When we left I got back in the car and just cried in frustration. I knew it was possibly going to be a short visit, that's fine, but if someone comes to my house I am interested in them, welcome them. I felt he had no interest in me or my partner. I want to tell him not to speak about my nephew like that, but feel it would cause issues and I won't tell my sister what he said as she will get upset.

I don't want to go again. I don't like him.
He does not value me visiting and I get nothing from it.
Am I being unreasonable to say enough is enough and stop going.

Oh and to add, can you or your sister not just put an extension line in his room? With my dad he often rejects sensible ideas and I’ve learned sometimes I just have to override him and as soon as it’s done he’s like yeah, you were right. So you could have the phone in and then ring him say once a week and you might find he ends up valuing the phone calls. If he doesn’t answer or doesn’t engage you could just take the phone out again.

Unless you think he’s doing it deliberately this is normal for some older people. Losing interest in the outside world, losing social niceties, becoming focussed on small details and routines. Sad but true.

As others have suggested I would say go and see your sister and have a nice time with her, pop in on your dad for an hour or so.

The phone and the room are a side issue really and it’s his choice. Chances are if he did have a phone communication would be strained anyway.

What was your relationship like when he was younger and your mum was around?

You should ask him if he still wants you to visit as he seems more concerned about his lunch and doesn’t appear to be interested in you?
I think that would be fair enough as he has capacity. It sounds really hard for you, OP, and like there isn’t much point in upsetting yourself.

What was he like before he was an elderly man who had lost his partner?

If he was a good dad you should continue to visit him. It must be hard to visit the room your mum died in, but being in the same place as her may bring him comfort. Much of his behaviour can be explained through him being elderly, grieving, and being confined to bed. It's not comparable to having visitors at home when you're fit and well (though I'd struggle not to say something about his attitude towards your nephew).

I agree with pp, try to find something nice to do in the area so that the full focus isn't on the visit.

I'm really sorry you went through this. It's horrendous the way some people treat their children.

My father died suddenly at home where he lived with my mother. He was 80.
So I never had to make a decision about whether to visit him or not. My rare visits home as an adult were basically to see my mother but all her life she made it clear he came first in her life over and above her children.
I didn't go to his funeral. I 'm relieved both my parents are dead.

From your vantage point, you: - do not live close by so you don't visit often; do not like him so another reason not to visit often; - your sister apparently likes him and visits often; - you are not requires to care for him or give money towards his upkeep

what is your problem as I don't see any

I think short visits are normal socialising is likely an effort. He is a loving dad who is no longer as good with conversation as he used to be. While I understand the upset/disappointment I would definitely not hold it against him.

I have a parent in a care home & voted you are being unreasonable. He’s obviously lost muscle tone if he’s bed bound & too weak to get up. He may feel embarrassed and didn’t want you to see him being fed/helped with his lunch. As others have said, his world is a lot smaller now and this is generally how it is with elderly people in decline. You could have gone back after lunch, taken a game to interact with him. He’s probably forgotten the art of making conversation.

If you can’t be bothered to visit, that’s on you but the way he’s treated you sounds pretty normal.

I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if someone has already suggested this, but I wonder whether you could arrange with your sister that you phone her once a week or so while she is visiting. She could hand the phone over to your Dad for a few minutes so that you had the opportunity to have a brief conversation. That would mean that you stayed in contact with him, but without the disruption and disappointment of a visit.

Sadly it sounds like he’s become institutionalised, he’s also elderly so returning to type - make visits brief and let him get on with his order in his life

This. Your dad’s old and cranky. It happens. Don’t take it personally but it could be easier for both of you if you take the pressure off your visits. Go and see your sister - you probably both need to offload and make the visit to your dad less of a thing.
I’m so sorry. Parents getting old is hard and parents getting old and cranky is harder still. It’s not you, it’s him. Find a way that works for you. Good luck.

YANBU at all. Just send him the odd letter or card.

My dad has Alzheimer’s and lives with me. In some ways you would think he is very sharp and articulate still, but the dementia is gradually taking bits of him, and a lot of your post resonates with me. My dad has become ruder and more inconsiderate as his world has shrunk and his inhibitions have been eroded. He is obsessive about his little collection of “stuff” and he is hypervigilant about annoying small details - he jumps to his feet and makes a fuss if someone drops something or if I put a cup of tea too near the edge of the table (in his opinion). It’s incredibly wearing and I don’t think people realise quite what a drain this behaviour is.

Fixating on things like “my dinner is at 1pm” is also familiar; I think they anchor him in daily reality at a time when he knows he is on shifting sands and can’t rely on his own mind or memory. He used to be an anarchic, free-spirited hippie type - now he insists on a knife and fork to eat a Cornish pasty and gets visibly tense if there’s swearing or a sex scene on TV.

You should only give what you can manage physically and emotionally, and if your relationship with your dad was never fantastic, then this stage of his life is unlikely to change that however much time you do or don’t spend with him. Old age is brutal and upsetting for many families, so do what you can stand to do, support your sister in other ways and try not to feel guilty.

Sounds like he is a stage of dementia - of one sort or another.
I'm no expert - but the signs are there.
It's hard to deal with. There's no telling (I assume?) which way (or how fast) the progression will go.
For many dementia sufferers it seems as if their focus is only on themselves, indicating a loss of ability to care about anyone else. If you think about it, you can see how this works.
From what you posted, it sounds like your father is in this space.

What you do about that is up to you. There is no blame for cutting off from a relative who is negative or noxious in your life. We walk our own paths. You might want to ask yourself how YOU feel about cutting off from your dad. If your motives and emotions stack up, then you stand by your beliefs.
And good luck to you.

Maybe he just didn't want to eat with you all there, if go again but make sure it's well before meal time or, wait till he's eaten then pop in. It may be awkward but it can feel awkward eating when others arnt. On The other hand, maybe he prefers to have just one visitor. You could mention it to your sister and see if he's said anything about your visits. Do you tell him what time you had to start out, how long you've been travelling so he feels it's a pain for you to visit him?

Why would you turn up prior to his lunch if you know he likes to eat alone?
Im assuming you don’t travel all that way just to visit your dad for half hour??… surely you make a weekend of it and also visit your sister, nephew and friends?

I would suggest maybe when your sister pops in to see him that she maybe calls you, pops it on loud speaker so you can say hello once a week?
Or maybe go back to basics and send him a good old letter or a postcard with a picture he’d like on the front… there are apps that allow you to send one free a month and you just pay the postage, you can upload a picture or photograph you’ve taken.

To be honest I think old people become miserable once they deem their life as pointless… he’s lost his wife, his house and his independence and is likely not interested in anything or anyone anymore, he sounds depressed, what a crappy existence!

i wouldn’t make a special journey to see him, but if you’re there visiting your sister I’d maybe just time your visit for after food, would he play cards? Dominoes? Do a cross word? I’d try to engage him in an activity rather than chitchat… he isn’t interested in you because he’s not interested in life in general is my guess!

“He is in the very same room my mother died in during Covid. He thinks this is ok as does my sister.” Do you see this as a problem? Perhaps he finds it comforting, or just can’t remember? It all sounds pretty normal for an elderly person, with nothing much going on aside from meal rotation.

I think get some perspective and develop a sense of humour. My mother had dementia and was in a care home for the final 6 months. I visited 3 or 4 times weekly. I have a son with complex needs who could not swallow at birth and at the time had prolonged fits. My mother was quite horrible at times to me and would make some pointed comments. Most of the time she was out of it and on one occasion showed my her ‘boyfriend’ when I visited with my dad to whom she was still married. She sat there holding her ‘boyfriends’ hand and lookijg flirtatious. I just learnt to find the whole situation hilarious. Even my father was entertained.

I got to know the other residents and one was the most awful food thief who stole one or two cakes just as I opened the packet - yet he was an ex cop. The staff welcomes us in and made cups of coffee with biscuits. I would check mums clothes to ensure she looked lovely. I would change her things to keep her amused eg new family photos. We would look through photos together.

The staff encouraged us to get mum to join in with the activities eg cinema night, garden open day, Christmas party, karaoke, bingo ,chair exercises. We were allowed to eat with mum and some of my family spent Christmas dinner with her. This is what a good care home is about - literally a home from home when the staff offer tea or coffee. Why is your dad bed bound with no wheel chair - does he slide or slump? Most people can be taken places …my dad ( who died at home ) had a tumour in his back ( which almost broke it ) with melanoma everywhere ( face, bleeding eyes / nose, lungs etc ) but we still took him to museums, gardens etc. To remain in bed for 2 years seems really odd. Is he really really depsressd? I would be more concerned than angry with him.

Also does he have a tv in the room and an iPad?

Reframe your visits. Do it for your Dsis and for knowing you have done the right thing.

Many thanks for some truly lovely comments.

I do usually go and see my sister too, but she was busy last weekend, so perhaps that knocked the usual visit pattern. We stopped off in The Lakes on the way back and then also at the Devil's Porridge Museum, so everything else was lovely.

My dad's main issue was he had a fall. He went through rehabilitation, they have the residents eat in a restaurant that they have to walk to and have lots of community events, but when he went into the present home he went to bed and refused to get out of it. The home, doctors, nurses, carers and my sister and I have all tried to get him to get out of bed, but he refuses. He has no memory problems at all. The home do trips and events in the main room and on one occasion had donkeys visit and got one into his room on the second floor! He has a TV in his room, he doesn't engage with any of the other residents and spends most of his time reading.

When the home got the donkey into his room in the lift he was really engaged chatting with the carers etc. When they left the room he said - Why did they bring a f£$%ing donkey in here, what do I want with that.

Some of you have asked about my relationship with him as a child. I was much closer to my mother where as my sister was much closer to him. That was the divide and was always the divide. I was the swot who tired never to get into trouble and my sister was the one who was a bit of a rebel. Someone mentioned that he may get comfort being in the room my mother died in and I hadn't thought of that. As someone who was recovering from breathing issues as Covid hit, I was advised not to go into the room where she was dying and I did, in my mask and plastic apron; the apron best suited to me dropping gravy on my jumper. It was hugely traumatic and I don't think anyone else understood that. The home is large there are a lot of room and yet he is in that one - the bed is in same place - where my mother died and I was not allowed to touch her.

Since I left home at twenty, I am now almost sixty. I have lived around the country.
My parents/sister have visited me a total of six times. It is just not in their understanding to visit me. I appreciate this is more difficult now my sister has an autistic son, but he is only 14, so has not impacted on them for most of that time.

I suppose I'm never going to get that lovey, huggy family that I wanted as a child. I need to add the things to the visit that make it better for me - a nice visit to somewhere on the way home etc.

Thanks for listening.

Excellent idea - I often planned a cinema trip or a trip to a National Trust property after visiting mum. The thought of the reward helped. Also with mum I got to choose the films and watched quite a back catalogue of classics with her when she was bed bound in the final month.