AIBU to stop visiting my father in his care home? I don't like my dad.

[AyrshireTryer]

My dad lives in the Midlands and I live in Ayrshire.
He has been in a care home for two years since a fall at home.
He has been in bed for two years, does not want to get up, just not interested.
He is bright as a button. He is in the same care home my mother died in during Covid. He is in the very same room my mother died in during Covid. He thinks this is ok as does my sister.

Last weekend my partner and I went to visit my dad. I rarely get two days off together. We got up at 5, got in the car at six and arrived with him for about 11.45am. He will not have a phone in the care home, although he could have a mobile or even an extension line in his room.

As we walked through the door almost the first thing he said was that his lunch was at 1pm. I know this and either do a very quick visit or go for lunch while he is having his. On the table that goes over my dad's bed were a number of drinks in baby like drinking things - the ones with lids. My partner talks with his hands and my dad said the next time we came we would have to sit in each others places as he was fearful of the drinks being knocked over.

My partner and I had taken some plants out of my dad's garden when he left home and my partner is a keen gardener and spoke about how well these plants were doing, to which my dad showed little interest. My nephew is autistic - repeats what is said - and my dad told me, yet again, how disappointed my mother and he were that nephew is autistic.

The conversation still flowed and at 12.45pm my dad asked us to leave as his lunch was coming.

When my dad lived at home I would ring him every day, sometimes for an hour and sometimes for a quick 'how are you'. By not having a phone he has broken this contact.

My sister lives five minutes from him and is an absolute star popping in on him every other day.

When we left I got back in the car and just cried in frustration. I knew it was possibly going to be a short visit, that's fine, but if someone comes to my house I am interested in them, welcome them. I felt he had no interest in me or my partner. I want to tell him not to speak about my nephew like that, but feel it would cause issues and I won't tell my sister what he said as she will get upset.

I don't want to go again. I don't like him.
He does not value me visiting and I get nothing from it.
Am I being unreasonable to say enough is enough and stop going.

If you don’t like someone, and don’t want to visit then don’t. Let your sister know but don’t feel guilty. He’s well looked after.

There's nothing wrong with feeling angry and frustrated at your dad's behaviour. You're only human. However, I'm in your sister's position (I do multiple visits a week, difficult parent, siblings rarely visit or call because they don't like DM). Based on my experience it's highly likely that:

1. Your dad gets more out of your visit than you realise
2. Visiting gives your sister support and shows her she's not alone
3. Your dad is not just being difficult. He is quite likely in cognitive decline.

Think very carefully before you stop visiting. Apart from our obligation to be kind to our parents as they age (unless you have very good reason not to do so), you'll have to live with your decision once he's gone.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. My only thoughts are.....if you did decide to stop visiting him, would he be aware and be upset? And, if you hadn't seen him for some time, would you feel any guilt when he died? I think this is worth thinking about as guilt (whether deserved or not) can eat away at you. I agree with pp who suggested you could build stronger bonds with your sister and help him indirectly. Good luck 💐

My dad is not in a home but can be frustrating to visit. He clearly finds it irritating to have his routine interrupted and will make sure we know his radio programme is on at 1pm. Will disappear into his study. Not really interested in our lives.
We have a large family so the visiting is shared and we do always joke amongst ourselves after a visit to relieve the stress. Although he doesn’t enjoy the visits he does get something out of it as he gets to feel connected and part of our lives. We also do jobs for him to feel useful.
What was a great success was one of those photo frames that you can connect to and send photos over. It pings when there’s a new one and he enjoys getting them in the peace of his own space with no need to talk to anyone about them.

Hope your sister knows how much you appreciate her.

I am sorry you found the visit difficult OP but I would say that this is fairly normal for someone who has been in a care home for 2 years and doesn’t get out of bed.
His world has shrunk, his mind has shrunk, his thought processes have changed and he probably isn’t aware of what he should or shouldn’t be asking you.
The average stay in a care home is 2 years before people pass away, and it may well be that he won’t be with you for that much longer. I think judging him now and cutting off contact is a very sad thing to do which you will regret. Whether he would really notice I don’t know, but you will remember this and that’s the important thing.
I am sure your sister would appreciate your visiting as well. I don’t like to use the word ‘duty’ but it doesn’t seem to be very fair to her to say you aren’t going anymore because he has changed. Yes he has, he is nearing the end of his life and everything starts to shut down and not work so well (including his brain).
I have found my Mum isn’t as interested in the rest of the family as she once used to be. She lives with my Dad who has Parkinson’s and doesn’t talk much. So even though I visit often and we go out and I tell her about the family, she will get distracted mid sentence about something mundane (the gardener visiting) and completely change the subject. I find her very hard work now, but it isn’t HER, she just has an elderly brain that struggles with conversation and concentration.
Please don’t stop visiting your Dad, just lower your expectations.

He’s an old man in a care home whose quality of life is pretty shit. It’s a very different situation to one where someone’s living well on their own home and welcoming visitors. Of course he’s going to be grumpy!

It’s obviously emotionally difficult for you that he’s in your mum’s room, but he may get a measure of comfort from that (as may your sister). Having different feelings about it doesn’t make you wrong or unreasonable, but at the end of the day if your dad is happy there then it’s his choice.

Other than that, this all sounds totally normal, OP. Even people who are cognitively fine when they go in can quickly lose interest in anything outside their tiny bubble, especially if they’re bed bound.

We have exactly the same with MIL atm. Long round trip involving 5+ hours of driving, and when we get there she exhibits little to no interest in anything we have to say, obsesses about when her next meal is arriving, and waves us out of the way if something catches her eye on the telly. It’s an exhausting day that nobody enjoys and the short time we spend with her is nigh on pointless.

As PPs have said, whether you continue to visit really depends on how your relationship was prior to this phase of life, and how he was generally as a father.
Even if I didn’t like the person he’d become in the home, I wouldn’t cut contact with my dad if there’d been ever been genuine love and closeness. But I might if he’d never been very nice in the first place.

Wow you sound very unempathic. He is likely in cognitive decline. That's really difficult for you but it's not a moral failing of his. It's a long way for you to go so you will probably need to adjust your expectations of any visit (you won't get anything from it in the short term and it will be bloody exhausting every time you do it) and work out - will he get anything from it or will you get anything from it in the long run eg regret that you cut him off in his final years.

I think it would be very hard on your sister (who probably has to put up with similar, every day!) if you completely abandon him. She’ll feel very alone.

I’d keep going just for her sake and sanity. You should talk to her about your visit(s) though, so she understands what happens and how you feel about it, but reassure her you’ll keep going to support her stellar efforts.

Unless there is a back story here where it turns out he was a terrible father, I think that you should make the effort to visit.

If only to avoid the regret and guilt of not seeing him.

The elderly folk we mention here will be us one day. Stuck in a care home with not a lot to look forward to. What a depressing thought. I honestly can’t think of anything worse!
You didn’t have a great relationship with your father OP and that’s on him. It is not your fault! He is stuck in his ways and he is not going to change now. It’s ok to let go.

My DF is 78. Still at home, very depressed. What you are saying sounds very similar.
Maybe visit just you? Keep it deliberately short and be bright and breezy. Or drive down together knowing it is short, partner goes for a coffee and you do the visit. 1 hour max. Then afterwards you and partner have a walk, visit and attraction on the way back.
I also live far from my parents and it’s takes me about 6 hours to travel there and back. I now make sure I add nice things to my journey. An iced coffee, upgrade on travel, a magazine or a pod case I enjoy. It just helps to make it more manageable.
My DF also now struggled to cope with his phone, doesn’t respond to WhatsApps or phone calls from me. When I arrive he is largely disinterested. When I leave he complains that I don’t understand that he is left alone with my DM.
These are all signs of his cognative decline. There is little to be done about it.
Any comments like the one about your nephew I would just brush over with a cheery comments.
He may value your visit or not but visits are good for ppl and also you at playing your part with your sister to keep an eye on your Dad. It won’t be forever.

As previous posters have said it is not unusual for his stage of life. I would suggest learning more about the psychology of old age and possible dementia. Hopefully this will make it seem less personal as well as emotionally prepare you for seeing him this way.

Also some aged care facilities let visitors order and eat lunch with a resident for low cost or asking your dad can sit and eat lunch on a separate table with you and have take away.

Does he see a geriatrician? Is there any medical reports that you can read to understand his health better?

Can you ask the staff if they can take a phone into him if you call him? Or ask your sister if you can FaceTime him regularly.

Definitely not the same but you can get digital photo frames that connect to an app where you can send him regular videos and photos of what us going on in your life to share with him via an app.

Also I agree old age sucks. Sorry about your mum too.

dont the care home have a cordless phone they can pass to the resident? That’s how I called my granny when she stayed in one

I don't understand why you couldn't have gone to a cafe or on a walk and returned after he had had his lunch. His attitude was admittedly unpleasant, but even so. It's a long way to go, to leave so soon. But then, it's a long way to go to leave each time feeling like shit.

So many very sensible posts on this thread.

No-one going into a care home, retains the social 'self' that they were before. Suddenly their world is tiny, and about the routines in the place. The outside world is barely a presence. Your dad, very sadly, is no longer who he was. That's not a failing of his, it's the cruelty of old age.

My mum was always a difficult person, so when she went into a care home it wasn't pleasant visiting her, but I did a four hour return journey every two or three weeks to support my brother. It was tedious though. My brother and I would visit at the same time, so that at least we got something out of the visit.

I remember my daughter coming with me when it was my mum's birthday. At that point she was in a flat in an extra care facility (she was paralysed so it remained a tiny world). We'd taken the ingredients to make her a lovely continental breakfast of croissants, orange juice etc.
She was entirely uninterested. It was gutting at the time, but just demonstrated how miserable and blank her world had become.

Re. the phone. We had to remove MIL's phone because she kept dialling 999. On one memorable occasion she called the police because the home was slow in providing a cup of tea

That. If mum pressed her call button in the night, and the single overnight carer didn't arrive quickly enough, mum would dial 999 and tell them she had chest pain. After several unnecessary visits, a plan was put in place that calls from her number would be flagged, and the ambulance service would call me or the carer before attending.

My brother had to remove our mobile numbers from her phone as she would call us at 3am. My landline was downstairs where I couldn't hear it on the night (and was only used for her calls)

I think if your relationship was always good in the past you’ll just have to accept this is how he is now and this is the ugly side of aging both for him and your family.

I think there are two things you could do instead of or as well as visiting. If your sister is doing lots of visiting, then I’d start keeping in touch very regularly with her. There may be things you can do in lieu of visiting. Maybe a quick debrief from her after her visits.

More contact with her may mean you can, in time have a discussion about your son. I agree that being institutionalised has meant that he has said this without malice - but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

If he won’t use a phone, then I’m wondering if going back to actual letter writing might help? He is of the generation that it was a normal thing, and it will be familiar to him. So send letters, cards, photos, little things that you know he’d like. Perhaps if he’s up to date with your goings on, when you visit it will seem less like a stranger.

Would a member of staff help with phone calls, or call him on your sisters phone when she’s visiting? Perhaps a closer relationship with your sister means that you can work as a team and may mean you can do less visits but other things that are helpful.

You know what , you sound exhausted with this .
You’re not retired so making the time to travel all the way down there is difficult
Up at 5am to get there 😩 he’s disinterested in some of what you have to say , disappointed that your nephew is autistic etc etc
I won’t say too much because it’d be too outing for me but I understand.

1. I’m concerned that the care home isn’t actively encouraging him to get out of bed more ? my mum’s care home was so good at getting the residents active and involved so I’d find out more from the staff .
2. I would go less often and not make seeing him the focus of your trip there . Can you make it a little holiday? Stay with your sister ? Book a hotel or a wee Airbnb ? Both myself and my brother were a fair distance from my mum , but I was nearer and was expected to do 5 hour round trips ( so not as far as you ) it’d take us the day just to do a relatively short visit . plus other considerations to make when going which I won’t mention here . However mum was so pleased to see us and look at photos on my iPad until she was tired and I knew she’d had enough .

Your comment which struck me was that he doesn’t value your visiting. I think it’s very hard to judge that from how the visit itself is, and he may well value seeing you more than you realise.It must be hard that prior to his fall you spoke regularly on the phone and he has put a stop to that - I can relate, I visited my Mum and Dad regularly while my Mum was ill, with 2 year old DS often and when Mum died I expected to keep going as regularly to see Dad and support him however I could.He didn’t want that - I did still see him, but less often and honestly sometimes it felt like a rejection. I think he needed to have his own time to be without Mum 😕.
I agree with EnjoythemoneyJane that while it seems hard and odd that he is in the room your Mum died in he may find that comforting and a way of connecting with her memory.
If you love him - if he was a good Dad and you had a loving relationship in the past,if you know he cared about you - then I would still visit . My parents died at home, visiting was mostly fine, but I visited a longtime friend regularly and it was hard to tell sometimes if they were bothered if I was there or not.And sometimes the telly was on and the programme was the important thing.Not always! I kept on because I loved them, and wanted them to know that their friends cared. It is difficult though.
If you relationship was poor before this, if there is anything adverse in your past together - not sure.You say you don’t like him - this current him, or have you always felt like this?

If you're lying in bed all day with nothing to do then lunch is probably a landmark. Fine not to go again but I don't think he did anything out of pattern for an elderly person.

This cuts both ways, OP. His behaviour is probably pretty standard for someone in a care home - the world really does shrink.
Equally, you are under no obligation to visit or phone your father. You have choices - just make whatever choice is best for you.

When my own Dad spent his last few months in a care home, because I live locally I popped in for short periods most days. There was no long drive and arranging precious days off like you have, so if Dad was not particularly welcoming it was not much effort/ time wasted for me. I totally agree with other posters, Dads world narrowed , from someone who had been up for adventure most of his life and very independent he became very finickity and obsessed with what I thought was utterly trivial stuff. When you see this on a day to day basis on one hand it drives you mad, on the other you get used to dealing with it. Although he didn't loose interest in family he didn't want them to visit for long, and he especially didn't want them to see him eating. Could you write him cards to keep in touch? even if he doesn't reply he will know that you are thinking of him and your sister will keep you updated of any changes? My Dad certainly wasn't always likeable ( even before he got old and infirm! ) but he was my Dad and now he is gone I am at peace with our relationship.

My father passed away recently and was in a nursing home for the last few years of his life. He was a cold, cruel, abusive man, but I still visited him out of guilt and obligation. I shouldn’t have done, he didn’t appreciate it and it just gave him another opportunity to belittle me. I’m relieved he’s no longer with us.

I think what you’ve described is normal for people in care homes especially if they’ve been there a long time.

The care home must have a phone that they can take to him in his bed so you can chat to each other maybe a couple of times a week.

I’d go that route and stop doing those long drives unless it’s to see your sister.

My dad isn’t in a care home but he does suffer with poor health and is mostly house bound these days. I have started to notice that the older he gets the more self centred he has become. He also has to have things the way he likes them and can’t cope with a deviation from the norm. If your dad has been in bed for 2 years he probably has lost all of his motivation and simply doesn’t have any enthusiasm in him. He may also be depressed following the death of your mother and subsequently going into a home himself. I often think elderly people’s mental health is overlooked (not by you but by the system in general). All this to say, his behaviour doesn’t seem overly unusual in the circumstances you’ve described. Have a chat with your sister, see what she thinks. Don’t mention what he’s said about her son, it won’t help anything. I’m sorry you’re going through this, watching our parents change and grow old is so so hard. I guess you have to decide if you can meet him where he is and maybe lower your expectations for visits. My two cents would be that I don’t think you should stop visiting him altogether but it’s ultimately your decision.