AIBU to stop visiting my father in his care home? I don't like my dad.

[AyrshireTryer]

My dad lives in the Midlands and I live in Ayrshire.
He has been in a care home for two years since a fall at home.
He has been in bed for two years, does not want to get up, just not interested.
He is bright as a button. He is in the same care home my mother died in during Covid. He is in the very same room my mother died in during Covid. He thinks this is ok as does my sister.

Last weekend my partner and I went to visit my dad. I rarely get two days off together. We got up at 5, got in the car at six and arrived with him for about 11.45am. He will not have a phone in the care home, although he could have a mobile or even an extension line in his room.

As we walked through the door almost the first thing he said was that his lunch was at 1pm. I know this and either do a very quick visit or go for lunch while he is having his. On the table that goes over my dad's bed were a number of drinks in baby like drinking things - the ones with lids. My partner talks with his hands and my dad said the next time we came we would have to sit in each others places as he was fearful of the drinks being knocked over.

My partner and I had taken some plants out of my dad's garden when he left home and my partner is a keen gardener and spoke about how well these plants were doing, to which my dad showed little interest. My nephew is autistic - repeats what is said - and my dad told me, yet again, how disappointed my mother and he were that nephew is autistic.

The conversation still flowed and at 12.45pm my dad asked us to leave as his lunch was coming.

When my dad lived at home I would ring him every day, sometimes for an hour and sometimes for a quick 'how are you'. By not having a phone he has broken this contact.

My sister lives five minutes from him and is an absolute star popping in on him every other day.

When we left I got back in the car and just cried in frustration. I knew it was possibly going to be a short visit, that's fine, but if someone comes to my house I am interested in them, welcome them. I felt he had no interest in me or my partner. I want to tell him not to speak about my nephew like that, but feel it would cause issues and I won't tell my sister what he said as she will get upset.

I don't want to go again. I don't like him.
He does not value me visiting and I get nothing from it.
Am I being unreasonable to say enough is enough and stop going.

He's old. His world has narrowed. All of this sounds pretty normal really?
What exactly are you expecting from him?
Of course you don't actually have to like a parent, but I can't see anything extreme in your description of him, so there's something deeper going on I guess.
Sorry it's so hard. 💐

I’m sorry, that sounds awful and you sound lovely.

I think it’s best not to make decisions in anger or upset. Although I completely get your feelings. For now maybe just breathe.

I don’t think I can say without more info.

elderly people in care homes have often lost the cognitive ability to manage phones. My mum can manage her old landline phone but we’ve tried several mobiles and she just gets confused and can’t understand how to use them.

when someone comes to your house you are interested abd welcome them - but you are presumably fit and well.

if you visited an ill person in hospital they may well not welcome you, and be more interested in their illness than your life.

you don’t have to visit your dad.

but some of this is standard for elderly people who are in decline.

I’m so sorry you feel this
way. There is so much pressure on a visit with him being so far away and a completely different scenario for your sister who can just ‘pop in’.

From my experience of elderly relatives in care homes, their world is so shrunken that they struggle to recognise that their families have lives outside of them. It comes across as incredibly self centred and rude, even if this is not what their personality was like previously.

Your choices really are to accept that this is how he is now and keep visiting, or not. If you can bring yourself to accept that he is just an old man with a very small world now, that will make things a lot easier for you.

Bluntly, you have to consider how you will feel after he is gone if you just stop. And how it will impact your relationship with your sister.

Good luck, OP - you are going through it and I feel for you ❤️

Tell your sister. I would want to know if it were me. (My eldest has a toe over the spectrum line…)
Your dad is safe, fed and sounds like he’s okay with his place in life. Your visit hasn’t improved your connection or his demeanor.

How does your sister find it? I wonder if the distance you have to travel puts pressure on the visits themselves. If you lived round the corner and could pop in a few times a week it wouldn’t matter so much if one visit was difficult. I don’t think you’re unreasonable in not enjoying visiting him but I do wonder if you’d regret not seeing him again when the inevitable does happen.

This all sounds extremely upsetting and difficult. The distance must make things even harder.

Quite a few things you have said here remind me of my Dad, who now has advanced dementia. It was a gradual deterioration.

Has he always been disinterested? The lack of a filter and tactlessness also resonate a bit. I am not looking to label here, but both myself and my son are autistic and my Dad has always shown lot of rigidity and strict adherence to routines. He is also completely unwilling to talk about topics that stray away from his own agenda. Ultimately it is your decision, I'd give it some time and thought.

I wouldn't tell your sister, no need to cause her unnecessary hurt.

I'd still go, but make it even less frequent.

Agree with pp that this sounds like a common situation in people who are in care homes and become institutionalised and lose their social skills.

did you see your sister while you were there?

how old is he and what is his prognosis?

yanbu to go as much as you can manage logistically and emotionally but I’d be going to see my sister and popping in on dad.

All sounds frustratingly familiar to be honest. I’ve worked in a nursing home and the residents quickly became institutionalised and have very little to talk about. You don’t have to enjoy the visits but maybe you need to do them so you can feel like you’ve done your best.

can you ask the home which would be the best time of day to visit him?
is he better after lunch?

It sounds hard but it also sounds quite normal too when people age and especially go into a care home where routine is comfort and security.

Anxiety and controlling their environment is very common, and if he doesn't see you much he has probably subconsciously trained his brain to that dynamic and so it's his normal.

It sounds like you two were close when you could communicate and it is sad how fast a life long relationship can change when communication isn't easy, and it's stubborn of him not to have a phone ad he's bed bound and could be chatting to you.

You're in the stage of life we all dread sadly, when parents go or change drastically in old age, but I'd say cut him and you some slack, and perhaps work on getting a phone in his room.

Go and visit your sister, and pop in on your dad. Try not to see him as the focus of your trip, just a short visit whilst there. Anything else you can do whilst there. Maybe less often too.

It's so hard OP. A lot of what you say sounds really normal for an elderly person (repeating things, not bothering to politely fake an interest in things, being a bit obsessed with his routine like when is lunch, not appreciating the effort you have made in driving a very long way) rather than him being especially difficult - but that doesn't make it any easier for you. It's a very long drive for you and YANBU to not do it very often. But I think YABU to blame your father for being the way he is which as I say sounds normal for a person his age and not especially awful.

It sounds like you had a good relationship before he entered the care home. He won’t be the same man now as I imagine care homes are a bit depressing and he didn’t feel up for a long visit. I don’t think you should break contact. Maybe next time avoid lunch time as 11.45 is too close.

How was your relationship with your Dad growing up OP?

My father was an unpleasant , unloving man throughout my entire life and I disliked him intensely. He said and did unpleasant things to me all his life.
If your Dad was similar I wouldn't blame you at all for not visiting him.

But if your Dad is like this only with advanced age and is not the same person he was when he had his health and all his faculties then I think not to visit him at all is a bigger decision.

Why does he not get out of bed ? Is he depressed? What is the care home doing about that to encourage him to participate in activities? In most care homes they try to get people to engage. Is he happy at that care home as him staying in bed for 2 years sounds horrendous. What are they doing about bed sores etc? My mum was in a really lively care home that did trips, beauty days and even local weekly pub visit. Why is his all so miserable? I would really get to know the staff as I would be extremely upset if my parent stayed in bed all day for 2 years. My mother had severe dementia and only stayed in bed for the last 2 weeks of life when she was nil eating and had a collapse / shock ( blood poured out of her anus). The only residents I knew bed bound had major wounds etc but had lots of district nurse visits.

I think that the care home needs to do more and earn their money.

My Dad has been quite abusive (emotionally mainly, just the smacking stuff which was typical in the 80s apart from that). But that emotional abuse has continued my whole life. He's still in his own home with my Mum but their worlds have shrunk since retirement. Despite the awful ways they've both behaved my whole life, they frequently expect me and my siblings to be their source of entertainment. Despite being mobile still, they have consistently refused to get any kinds of hobbies or friends since retiring.

So add into that a long journey and lack of welcome and I'd struggle to motivate myself to ever see them. As it is they only live an hour away but it's regularly 3 months between visits. I've often left in tears from the horrible things they say and the manipulation attempts they try with my siblings are truly shocking.

But that's my situation, not yours. My point in sharing it is that others have at times encouraged a closer relationship when I've not wanted it, not understanding how the effort has all been mine both in seeing them and managing the horrible emotions which surface as a result. I don't know what relationship you had with your Dad before this stage and that's probably important to whether you can feel ok continuing it now. But if you can't, then that's ok too. I'm sorry to say becoming old doesn't make an unpleasant person pleasant.

If you want to stay in touch without completely cutting off contact, then send the odd chatty letter and photographs and visit once every 6 months or so. Perhaps plan it with your sister so it's more than just visiting him? I've not read all the other comments but I'm sure someone will have pointed out that people in care homes do not tend to live for long periods. That doesn't mean to say you need to see him more, you just need to be happy with your decision of not seeing him much and I think you are. At some point you will see him for the last time and I sense that might be a relief for you? That's ok to feel like that. Genuinely.

You sound like you’re asking permission. Here: you don’t have to go any more. Ok? You don’t have to go. Your sister probably won’t like it, but as long as you can deal with that, you don’t have to go.

Re. the phone. We had to remove MIL's phone because she kept dialling 999. On one memorable occasion she called the police because the home was slow in providing a cup of tea. When we reprimanded her, she gave a naughty chuckle and said: "well, they make sure I get my tea now."

I would say, your sister will be under a lot of pressure (my DH was your sister). His siblings, who all lived some distance away, barely visited. Yes, we accept they couldn't nip in. But they found it too upsetting so left it to us - which rather ignored the fact that it was just as upsetting for DH - he was just more used to it.

This. Make her the focus, and/or anything else nice in the area, old friends or touristy stuff. Pop in on your dad so that your sister isn’t alone in caring for him.
You might be very tired, not often getting two consecutive days off? Maybe the next time you do, you need to rest and recuperate.

How was he as a dad to you growing up? You mention you used to call him daily? Were you you close once?

I can see why it was disappointing and why you feel like you feel. I would gently say though, that he's older, quite isolated and his world will have become very small. A bit like a child, routine will provide him with a lot of comfort and security. Your visit throws that off but he still clings to it (evidenced by him asking you to leave because it's lunchtime). I think a lot of older people can get like this if they are too much removed from ‘the real world’. They have nothing to focus on other than their familiar routines and small things become ‘big’ worries (shown by how he was worried your partner would knock his drinks over).

At surface level, his behaviour seems selfish and ungrateful and he appears disinterested, but I think he’s just old and isolated and has lost the perspective that living fuller lives gives us.

So I’d say, if he wasn't always this way and growing up he was a good dad and you were closer once, that you give him a bit of grace for how he is now. Is facetimeing him while you're sistering with him an option? Or even writing him letters? Perhaps there is a more lightweight contact you can have?

Agree with the suggestions around focusing on your sister. Can you do anything to support - any admin for your dad that she handles? Take any load away from other other than the visits? This obviously all assumes you and she get on well. But that’s what I’d focus on. Help her to carry on doing what you can’t.

I tbink comparing yourself welcoming people into your home with your dad unable to do likewise at the end if his life in a care home is unfair