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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable in this situation?

57 replies

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 21:13

Person A is very unwell after having a procedure yesterday. She was aware that she might feel very ill the next day, because the same thing happened last time, with flu-like side effects.

Before the procedure, Person A told Person B that she would likely need support with their toddler the following day. Person B said they had moved clients to that day because they had already missed work to take Person A to the procedure the day before. However, Person B said they would only need to leave Person A alone with the toddler for around 1.5 hours, and then another 20 minutes at 5pm.

Based on that, they agreed not to arrange family help or a sitter, because Person A thought she would be able to manage with that limited time alone.

Person B’s morning appointments were then cancelled, but instead of staying home to help or taking the toddler to a class, Person B chose to do another work-related task that was not urgent and that the toddler could have gone along to.

Later, once home Person B said they had another last-minute appointment in the middle of the day. If Person A had known this earlier, she would have arranged help from a family member.

Person A said it felt unfair and explained that she was really struggling. Person B replied that the appointment was last minute and that Person A needed to understand what being self-employed is like.

That evening, they discussed it again. Person B said that Person A should understand that, because they are self-employed, they cannot always be relied on, as things come up unexpectedly.

Person A said that she understands things can come up, but felt Person B should have told her as soon as they knew their plans had changed. Person A also felt Person B could have acknowledged the situation, apologised, or offered reassurance, such as saying, “I need to go out, but I’ll take the toddler to the park when I’m back so you can rest.”

Person B said they did not know when they would be back, so they could not commit to taking the toddler to the park. Person A said that if Person B could not commit to helping, they should have told her clearly so she could arrange emergency childcare.

Person B then asked why Person A had not arranged childcare in advance if that was an option. Person A explained that the family member who could help works, but would step in for urgent situations. Person A did not ask them beforehand because she believed Person B would be around for most of the day, based on what had been agreed.

Person A is experiencing a high temperature, shivering, extreme exhaustion, nausea and almost being sick and is struggling to move around or pick up the toddler.

person b also feels like they work alone have so much to do can’t catch a break and now having to look after baby and partner to

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 06/05/2026 21:16

After repeatedly being person A I just pretended person B did not exist and arranged back up as if I was a single parent.

person B seemed happy with this and zu just decided that person B was too unreliable.

DecentLady · 06/05/2026 21:21

The day is over now. It didn’t go as planned. So both of you should just learn from it for the next time.

Dozer · 06/05/2026 21:23

Depends what the ‘procedure’ was. If it was medically necessary person B is a dick.

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 21:28

Yes was medically necessary nothing major at all but can have bad side effects

the whole family has also been unwell recently but because person a needed this procedure they have been more unwell than the rest of the family so person b has done more at home than normal person b also works alone and has been extremely busy but with out them Working family would earn nothing.

person a feels that this is all part of a family and marriage taking on more at times when you have too. They also feel that person b would have to work like this regardless of if they had a family

OP posts:
SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/05/2026 21:29

Your husband is a tool. Hope that helps.

SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/05/2026 21:29

Your husband is a tool. Hope that helps.

Silverbirchleaf · 06/05/2026 21:30

Person B should have taken the day off, to support their partner and look after the child.

However, in the above situation, B should not have gone out after the first appointment's were cancelled, and definantly not gone outside. Mist clients would accept a ‘partner recovering from
hospital op’ as a reasonable excuse not to go out.

Person B isn’t much if a team player if they can’t look after their (emphasis on the ‘their’ child and partner.

SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/05/2026 21:30

So much of a tool, I had to say it twice it seems.

Candleabra · 06/05/2026 21:34

Person B sounds infuriating. That type of person never gets it. They’re the sort of person who says things like “you only had to ask for help” after watching you run yourself ragged. Hope you feel better soon.

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 21:42

Forgot to add we go away next week and person b is trying to get everything done before we go which is what he told me in the argument. I told him he was being heartless and a prick and could have atleast apologised today or been sympathetic. Life has been tough for us both recently and house is under a lot of tension with sickness toddler family deaths work stress but no excuses for this kind of behaviour. The afternoon appointment was an emergency and there was no way he couldn’t of gone with out loosing a lot of money that we can’t afford to loose

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 06/05/2026 21:45

SardinesOnButteredToast · 06/05/2026 21:29

Your husband is a tool. Hope that helps.

Yup

PoppinjayPolly · 06/05/2026 21:51

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 21:28

Yes was medically necessary nothing major at all but can have bad side effects

the whole family has also been unwell recently but because person a needed this procedure they have been more unwell than the rest of the family so person b has done more at home than normal person b also works alone and has been extremely busy but with out them Working family would earn nothing.

person a feels that this is all part of a family and marriage taking on more at times when you have too. They also feel that person b would have to work like this regardless of if they had a family

does person A you accept that it might be bit difficult if person b - partner- is having to be the only financial provider, carer for person a and carer for the dc?

how would they have to do all that without partner/children?

Johnsmithallenjones · 06/05/2026 21:52

Both unreasonable.

Terfedout · 06/05/2026 21:58

You are being unreasonable not to talk like a normal bloody human being. It's obvious who persons A and B are so why not just say 🙄

Hope you are starting to feel better :)

HortiGal · 06/05/2026 22:01

Christ on a bike, all that Person A/B makes for a hard read, why not just use me and him!!!

roseymoira · 06/05/2026 22:02

Person A needs to just talk like a normal person

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 22:02

@PoppinjayPollydue to husbands job it made financial sense for me to stay at home we discussed it long and hard and he wanted me to stay home. We can’t afford for me to go back even with a household pooling of wages we would be in a significant decrease not worth it. Person b would still be in the same job and still working the same hours he does now

OP posts:
busyd4y · 06/05/2026 22:02

You know we all know who is who 😂

Your partner was a bit of a dick, is he generally OK?

PoppinjayPolly · 06/05/2026 22:04

tinkbell · 06/05/2026 22:02

@PoppinjayPollydue to husbands job it made financial sense for me to stay at home we discussed it long and hard and he wanted me to stay home. We can’t afford for me to go back even with a household pooling of wages we would be in a significant decrease not worth it. Person b would still be in the same job and still working the same hours he does now

Edited

So just say that!
I am a SAHM….
only income is from partner… AIBU for asking him to not pick up paid work because I don’t feel well? Jobs a good un!

Johnsmithallenjones · 06/05/2026 22:06

HortiGal · 06/05/2026 22:01

Christ on a bike, all that Person A/B makes for a hard read, why not just use me and him!!!

😂

IPM · 06/05/2026 22:07

HortiGal · 06/05/2026 22:01

Christ on a bike, all that Person A/B makes for a hard read, why not just use me and him!!!

This 👆

Jesus that was a hard read.

Sassylovesbooks · 06/05/2026 22:19

You and your husband agreed how childcare and your recovery would coincide with him working. Only for your husband's work to change, and that meant he wasn't available to look after you or your child. Does your husband being self-employed usually mean that his work schedule can change suddenly? If the answer is yes, then it would have been better to have arranged alternative help for you and your child. Your husband took the day of your procedure off work, but presumably he's the only person providing financially for the family? Therefore if he's off work, he's not earning.

Going forward, I think it's safe to say that your husband's job, makes him unreliable to be there for childcare and help. You need to make sure you arrange alternative care or you have a back-up plan if his schedule changes. Being self-employed means it's difficult to turn work down.

Happycarbooter · 06/05/2026 22:27

You are unreasonable for using ‘Person A’ and ‘Person B’ it is obvious who you both are.

BerryTwister · 06/05/2026 22:30

HortiGal · 06/05/2026 22:01

Christ on a bike, all that Person A/B makes for a hard read, why not just use me and him!!!

I always find myself seeing how quickly I can figure out which “person” the OP is. This one was really easy!

Applecup · 06/05/2026 22:32

What’s with all the A and B crap? Makes it completely confusing.