Who is being unreasonable in this situation?

[tinkbell]

Person A is very unwell after having a procedure yesterday. She was aware that she might feel very ill the next day, because the same thing happened last time, with flu-like side effects.

Before the procedure, Person A told Person B that she would likely need support with their toddler the following day. Person B said they had moved clients to that day because they had already missed work to take Person A to the procedure the day before. However, Person B said they would only need to leave Person A alone with the toddler for around 1.5 hours, and then another 20 minutes at 5pm.

Based on that, they agreed not to arrange family help or a sitter, because Person A thought she would be able to manage with that limited time alone.

Person B’s morning appointments were then cancelled, but instead of staying home to help or taking the toddler to a class, Person B chose to do another work-related task that was not urgent and that the toddler could have gone along to.

Later, once home Person B said they had another last-minute appointment in the middle of the day. If Person A had known this earlier, she would have arranged help from a family member.

Person A said it felt unfair and explained that she was really struggling. Person B replied that the appointment was last minute and that Person A needed to understand what being self-employed is like.

That evening, they discussed it again. Person B said that Person A should understand that, because they are self-employed, they cannot always be relied on, as things come up unexpectedly.

Person A said that she understands things can come up, but felt Person B should have told her as soon as they knew their plans had changed. Person A also felt Person B could have acknowledged the situation, apologised, or offered reassurance, such as saying, “I need to go out, but I’ll take the toddler to the park when I’m back so you can rest.”

Person B said they did not know when they would be back, so they could not commit to taking the toddler to the park. Person A said that if Person B could not commit to helping, they should have told her clearly so she could arrange emergency childcare.

Person B then asked why Person A had not arranged childcare in advance if that was an option. Person A explained that the family member who could help works, but would step in for urgent situations. Person A did not ask them beforehand because she believed Person B would be around for most of the day, based on what had been agreed.

Person A is experiencing a high temperature, shivering, extreme exhaustion, nausea and almost being sick and is struggling to move around or pick up the toddler.

person b also feels like they work alone have so much to do can’t catch a break and now having to look after baby and partner to

TLDR:
I had a medical procedure yesterday.
My husband is self-employed and could only take one day off to take me in, but his day wasn’t full today so I thought I could manage our toddler for a while as well as recovering and neither of us felt the need to arrange childcare.
However I have struggled to manage the toddler after all and my husband was busy.
We should have communicated better and arranged childcare.

It makes a difference who Person B is to A and toddler. Can't really give an opinion with the A / B riddles.

is person A an adult with mental capacity?

Person A/person B just say me and my partner or whatever it is instead of Person A/person B.

bet you would also be posting had the person not bothered working potentially lost money then couldn’t pay the mortgage

My thoughts exactly! Cake and eat it springs to mind!

I hope he forgives you for being so mean.

you are saying he has been doing more than normal in the house, working (where no income if he doesn’t) and also trying to prepare for the holiday.

it sounds like you are doing a lot & are being a bit ungrateful. Hopefully he will excuse you cos you have been poorly

count yourself lucky

My suspicion is that the OP used A and B hoping that most would side with A, but if most sided with B instead then the OP would have said that she was B instead of A.

As person B’s job appears to be reactive and he is not in a position to turn down urgent appointments the solution person A and B agreed to was risky and not the right call in the circumstances. This is something A and B need to recognise and learn from.

Person B was unreasonable because of the bit about his appointment being cancelled and he spent the time doing non-urgent work instead. But person A was unreasonable about the last-minute appointment.

'I' and 'the bastard" would be easier to read ...

It’s tricky if he (B) is only income and self employed.
Yes in ideal world B would care for sick partner after procedure and toddler while A rests but life isn’t like that and if B doesn’t work potentially you’ll be in a bigger pickle if you can’t pay mortgage or he loses a big customer etc.
It’s rubbish but I think honesty is key re how much support you absolutely need and he can offer in circumstances and draft in other help or put measures in place eg play pen/tv/snacks for toddler for a few days.
I had years of medical procedures and often would go myself as husband needed to work (self employed) I can remember once pretending to staff I’d booked hospital transport and they were happy for me to go to wait in transport lounge (you normally need an adult to meet you after GA) and I waited there for several hours until he could collect me as he had something he couldn’t miss that afternoon. Was it ideal no but needs must.

christ on a bike with a nun in tow- what's with all this A&B crap? Just say my husband and I

God, you made that unnecessarily hard to read.

It might have been nice if he’d been able to look after you and toddler but as the only person in the house earning and as he’s self-employed, he probably feels a lot of pressure to keep things going, whether you consider what he was doing it non/essential or not.

Can you drive? Getting him to miss work to take you to an appointment and then again to look after you the next day is hard. Could you have gone on the bus/got a taxi?

Was it a Covid jab?

LOL that you somehow imagined it wouldn't be blindingly fucking obvious who A and B are.

Yes, your husband's a twat. But you already knew that, I'm sure.

How very strange.
Well, no real drama. You had a disagreement. Something cropped up and your other half felt he had to attend to it. It miffed you off.
Please. No more Person A and Person B.

Person B has the stress and load of knowing that if they don’t source enough money that month then the mortgage doesn’t get paid. You’ve already said money is tight. It doesn’t sound like they are in a position where they feel comfortable or able to turn down work.

Personal B has three people relying on them to make sure the bills are paid. Don’t underestimate the stress this can cause.

Especially when you are about to be going on holiday?
reduced income and op is unwell

Especially when you are about to be going on holiday?
reduced income and op is unwell

Person A is so down on the list of priorities for person B.
Person B is a twat and would rather do anything than parent his own children or support someone who is supposed to be his nearest and dearest.
What’s the point? You’d be better off alone, seriously.

Are you going to find a job as soon as financially possible and not have anymore children with this dickhead?

It’s also awful just before you go in hols as you are trying to cram in work and ensure wheels don’t fall off while you are away. I’m definitely crabby and stressed before I go away. Add in you being ill there’s a lot of stress flying around. I’d cut both of you some slack. If you are usually ok I wouldn’t have a massive fall out over it.
I think with a self employed husband you do just have to suck up the good with the bad.
We were on holiday for a weekend recently and he had 2 meetings one afternoon (I knew he had one but 2nd was a late extra). Yes I could have moaned and said it’s our holiday or instead I just did what I wanted for a bit.

Person A is because they're being so needy. People with toddlers can get sick anytime and the world doesn't stop because of it. It's too easy on MN to suggest otherwise and suggest variations on the LTB theme as if the world was full of all these 'new men' just ready to put life on hold for the merest cough or sneeze of their loved ones.

Person B is a selfish arsehole but it sounds like this was fairly predictable so Person A should have asked another family member for help in advance in anticipation of this.

It’s all Person c’s fault

It also sounds like crossed wires on priorities.
He thought procedure day was day needed so took off work to take you rather than getting a taxi. In reality you needed him more day after when recuperating.
If B only has limited time free to help focus it where it’s critically needed.
Things like taking toddler to a class or park are obviously nice but not essentials. A few days of toddler safely contained and watching tv and eating snacks whilst mum lies on sofa isn’t end of world.

I think that you’re feeling vulnerable because you’ve just had a procedure and feeling like shit. I’m not saying husband is covered in glory here but the pressure on a self employed sole provider must be huge. My husband was self employed for a lot of the times when our children were small. Days off cost us a fortune so we’re used them rarely. His brother died suddenly but he was forced to be back at work 2 days later and only taking another day off for the funeral.

He had mumps one bank holiday weekend, ending up in a&e due to dehydration. Back at work a couple of days later (mumps is actually very acute but short).

He worked away when our youngest was a baby so I was at home with three young children. I remember being on the phone one evening to the gp demanding antibiotics for mastitis but wouldn’t have even thought of asking him to come home.