ADHD - do the meltdowns improve, and if so, when?

[disappearingme]

Feel like I'm in the thick of it with my 7 year old. Tonight he kicked the back of my chair in the car when he got angry about something (I told him no to cartoons because it was too late but said he could use his bike rollers for half an hour). When he kicked the chair I told him he had now lost his bike roller time because he can't do that when I am driving. He has now been melting down for 1.5 hours. Screaming, shouting, crying. I have given him his tea which is now all over the table. I have remained exceptionally calm throughout as always. It's exhausting. He is now calmer but still crying, and is now 'drawing his feelings' to calm down. He has told me he hates me and that he wants to live at his dad's because 'he let's him have tv whenever he wants'. Family support worker tells me I am doing everything right and to keep doing what I am doing, but it feels like it never let's up. I am shattered. I love my son but I am starting to get scared about what he is going to be like as he gets older. Has anyone any advice? Can a child like this grow into a kind, non abusive adult? Because I am just so fed up and see no end in sight.

Is he medicated?

No. Not currently. We are on a long waiting list to discuss this. 18 months left.

Have you tried going screen free? Made a huge difference- the fact you mention cartoons and tv in a short post says a lot.

No I'm looking for advice not story books.

I can't. His dad is an abusive a-hole and uses screens to tell him he should live at his house. If I took them away it would cause huge issues. I'm too scared to do it.

Mine was like this I remember posting and reading up praying it would get easier, it did! he is now 9 and medicated for his adhd (which has been life changing, my house is no longer a battle ground)

'he wants to live at his dad's because 'he let's him have tv whenever he wants'. '

If this is true, your DS's behaviour may not be necessarily due to ADHD only.... Is dad on board?

DS1 got better at 9 - when he was diagnosed and started medication (sorry if that doesn't help).

Just before medication, it did get a bit better when we seriously reduced negative interactions. We stopped nagging/criticising him for unimportant things like using cutlery properly/tying his own shoelaces etc.

He is now a gorgeous 14 year old who still gets really angry but goes off to his room or outside to blow off steam and then will come for a hug and apologise for being angry.

He has a come a LONG way in the past 5 years and I am so proud of him (and of myself to be honest.)

We were typing at the same time.
I'm sorry to hear it OP. I don't think it's ADHD that's a problem here. Are school supportive?
Sending hugs.

I think you are doing the right thing by being consistent and putting consequences in place. The lack of consistency between you and dad won’t help- can you speak to dad so that you are both on same page?

I know how difficult this is and I really can empathise with how you are feeling.

A few things that have helped with me ADHD/asd child who can have big meltdowns:

-have found having some clubs after school has helped a lot- martial art/swimming. Gets energy out and gives a feeling of routine

-have found being consistent and making clear that any physical kicking out etc is absolutely unacceptable and there will be big consequences. Making this an absolute red line now (I’m also worried about future behaviour so coming down hard on anything like this)

-I do give screen time but have a look at what he is watching and see if you can help him choose things that may be ‘calmer’. I’ve found things like ADA Twist Scientist has been good and educational and less copying of unwanted behaviour. I find tv is better than kindle or a persona device. Invest in a Yoto player which means he can listen to stories as well

-start a sticker or points chart and praise praise praise for good listening etc. think of a reward for 5 ticks etc

-Think about what he is good at and encourage this. He needs a direction for his energy

-try to come up with a consistent plan between you and dad and show him you are both talking to each other

It is his ADHD. He only sees his dad once every other week. It's when he doesn't have something exciting to do. He is obsessed with mountain biking. When he's on his bike he is in heaven. He will do it for 8 hours straight. Skate park, scooter ride, drawing, racing, play dates etc he is fine. It is when it is just me and him at home and I have to cook tea, do laundry etc that he is so difficult to manage. He cannot play on his own, school report this too. He needs my attention constantly and with only one hour of screen time a day it leaves the rest of the day as one exhausting mess. We went through a phase of an hour of TV then a bike ride as he will always choose bike over TV but it was too much for me.

Try getting a Yoto player. My daughter always needs to be listening to something etc and this is a good alternative to screen.

set up reward chart and offer him a tick or point for sitting for ten minutes and drawing while you cook. Build up the time. Use a physical timer if you have to as kids this age often respond better when they see the time lapsing

Oh la la, that is terrible advice. Children with attention deficit use screens to self soothe after a long and tiring day.

Why only 1 hour per day? The rule seems arbitrary and designed for a child without attention deficit.

Heavy work. You need to 'undo' the 6 hours of him trying to restrain himself at school.

We cycle home, then snack, then I give him a heavy work job like digging in the garden, washing windows or walls (he likes using the ladder), making bread, moving furniture for me to clean, anything that needs his full body. If I'm feeling lazy, it might be just dance or YouTube movement breaks/dance routines. Now we're in the routine of it, it's usually enough to settle him for the rest of the evening.

At 7, he cannot control his anger impulses yet. He is more like age 4 than 7.
The best way to ensure your safety is to put his car seat behind the passenger seat. So if he does kick, it doesn’t affect you.

Big consequences or reward charts for behaviours he cannot control (impulse) or expectations he cannot meet (listening & remembering) will only demotivate him and make things worse. You can’t punish or reward away a disability like this.

Was it one kick of your seat or repeated?

I might be a terrible parent but when they are very dysregulated already, I let the smaller stuff go. And let them do what helps regulate even if it's f£*king annoying like repeatedly kicking a ball against a wall. They need to get it out some way. And the bike rollers (not sure what this is) might be something that helps and going cold turkey with no screens and no bike rollers is just awful.

And they tend to be 2-3 years behind their peers in terms of emotional regulation so expect him to behave like a 4 year old, not a 7 year old.

And sometimes like a 4 year old who needs a nap.

Medication can help a lot, if it's reaching crisis sometimes letting them know can mean you are seen faster (at least it does here)

I’m afraid I disagree. My daughter has both ADHD and ASD and responds to reward charts and also knows not to lash out or she will lose something (a consequence).

You are doing a disservice to the child to not expect them to behave respectfully. Children with ADHD can learn just like any other child

Could private medication be an option? I appreciate it’s expensive, but he may be more regulated and better focused.

Alteratively, are you able to see your GP and see if the NHS referral can be expedited or accessed via right to choose? This too may be difficult, but is worth exploring.

Ime positive reinforcement works a lot better than consequences. In the heat of the moment, they can't think of the consequence, they are just living in the present. And this does improve with age and obviously varies from child to child. Impulse control gets better, etc.

4 or 5 kicks to the point i thought he might break the chair and I was driving on a motorway. I regretted taking the things away immediately but had to follow through. I also didn't want to crash and was just at the end of my tether.

ADHD Dude. Start with the podcast ADHD Guys and the YouTube videos and then I highly recommend the membership site (it has webinars - you don't need to be members permanently though the office hours are also fantastic). Really worth it.
But also, meltdowns stop after the medication is right (we are on a 3-6 month wait for our DD but DS has been medicated since he was 7 though it's only been a year since we added in a non stimulant which has been an additional game changer).
If you can afford it I would highly recommend finding someone that can do meds privately. 18 months is torture.
Finally their brains do mature. DS is now 14 and we are seeing all the differences add up.

You completely did the right thing

I agree. Though I regretted taking part of his routine away.

7 year old with adhd- yep me too!
Ex who is abusive and uses screens screenshot convince the kids it is better at dad's house- yep me too!

One thing that worked for me was booking in the time when my son would get screenshot and would get, in your case, bike time. Putting it on a rota in the wall as a visual calendar. It means you have to stick to it. But rather than saying 'no screens today' i can kust say, 'you can di that at X time'

I also have a catchphrase of ' your big feelings are okay to share, but it is. Ever okay to hurt or damage things' over and over. 7 year old barely does that now.

Give options whenever you can- do you want to get dressed here or downstairs? Do you want a banana or strawberries? Silly little things- adhd need control so giving the control as much as possible with the smaller things really helps.

Lots and lots of praise. Any and everything I praise. By 10, an adhd child will have heard 20,000 more correctiins/criticisms than a non-adhd child. I was diagnosed with adhd last year, this is very true! Small negatives are massive to me.

Compromise- where you can. Explain about compromise and explain what you want, ask what he wants, reach a middle ground. But I explain that sometimes as the adult and mum it has to be my way. My 7 year old now doesn't react as badly when I do put my foot down.

It's hard, so I completely understand, especially with the added complications of coparenting... or having an idiot ex who causes more trouble than anything!