ADHD - do the meltdowns improve, and if so, when?

[disappearingme]

Feel like I'm in the thick of it with my 7 year old. Tonight he kicked the back of my chair in the car when he got angry about something (I told him no to cartoons because it was too late but said he could use his bike rollers for half an hour). When he kicked the chair I told him he had now lost his bike roller time because he can't do that when I am driving. He has now been melting down for 1.5 hours. Screaming, shouting, crying. I have given him his tea which is now all over the table. I have remained exceptionally calm throughout as always. It's exhausting. He is now calmer but still crying, and is now 'drawing his feelings' to calm down. He has told me he hates me and that he wants to live at his dad's because 'he let's him have tv whenever he wants'. Family support worker tells me I am doing everything right and to keep doing what I am doing, but it feels like it never let's up. I am shattered. I love my son but I am starting to get scared about what he is going to be like as he gets older. Has anyone any advice? Can a child like this grow into a kind, non abusive adult? Because I am just so fed up and see no end in sight.

Do you have an exercise bike or anything that he could use? I don’t know if you’d consider more screen time but you can put on videos to cycle to. Then at least he’d be active at the same time.
We are still on a waiting list for assessment with my dd but her meltdowns were awful sometimes and went on for ages. They started gradually reducing at around 9-ish and don’t happen much now at nearly 12. I remember thinking to myself when I noticed they weren’t as frequent that this is probably what most people’s 7 year olds are like, she definitely couldn’t regulate as well as other kids her age.

DS is 9 and has calmed down so much this year, unmedicated. He is a pleasure to be around most of the time now.

Just to add to pp post about giving lots of praise- yes this is definitely the way forward.

Also giving your child an alternative strategy for dealing with the feelings. My dd kicked her bed so hard it broke and at that point I told her that was the end of that kind of behaviour but we did come up with some things she can do when she’s feeling like that. So she knows she can hit soft things like pillows and we are also getting a tent for her room which will be her safe space

Can I ask how bad things were before they got better?

Yes! My daughter is 12 and around 7-9 was by far her most challenging time. She has learned to use techniques to calm herself. She does still have periods of dysregulation, but nothing like it used to be. She has also not been violent since she was about that age. We came down hard on that, in terms of consequences.

You're doing a good job. Well done staying calm. That is so hard sometimes!!!

That sounds really hard...so difficult being on a motorway when you can't pull over. Amazing that you could stay calm.. I hope things improve.

It's hard to match that level of energy you're describing! You mentioned abusive ex - how is he with DS, can he remain calm when DS is upset? Having little boundaries at one parent wil always make the other needing to work harder. Did you talk to school, can they offer emotion regulation support or ELSA? Early Help?

Medication and a change of school is what worked for us. A few years later things are much much better, he’s actually like a different child. However, I control and manage the environment to reduce triggers an awful lot. I also pick my battles, which in reality means he gets away with a lot of low level rudeness and bad language when he’s frustrated but from where we were, it’s such a minor thing it goes over my head. He behaves at school and with others. I don’t really do consequences, all they ever did was make things worse and cause huge meltdowns that’s made my life hell. We now speak when he’s calm, and it seems to be working. He’s better at reflecting and apologising.

I'd say alot like your DS. Screaming, violent, breaking things, ripping door handles off, toddler style meltdowns at class parties. He's been excluded from school multiple times. Reception - year 2 were the worst then he started to recognise and verbalise his feelings in year 3. He's in year 4 now.

I have a 10 year old and 7 year old with adhd. 7 so far was the worst age for the older one. It got better from there although is still nowhere near perfect. At least now at 10 he knows how to self soothe better (he jumps on the trampoline or swings in a hammock thing we have in the garden). His emotions are still on a flip switch and he still niggles constantly at siblings when he is cross / tired but the huge crying meltdowns are much less. We also know what triggers him better so can avoid it.

7 YO is currently still a PITA but I’m hoping things improve as they did with his brother.

neither medicated as yet, but considering it for the older one so that he can focus better on long term things and not find school so torturous. Also hoping it will regulate the emotions a bit at home.

i would highly recommend trampoline / bouncy hammock swing thing / regular swing / spinning chair etc to help your son regulate himself after school. Also manage expectations for his behaviour after school. He has just sat through hours and hours or something that is really draining for him so his behaviour after it is not going to be good. There’s a fine line between making him behave appropriately and forcing him to mask his emotions from which no good will come in the long run

He's awful. Son is very confused (he doesn't know he is confused). Loves and idolises his dad but is also scared of him as he shouts a lot. I feel like I get all the shit as he can't lash out when hes at his dad out of fear of being screamed at. School are really helpful.

Agree with lots of PP that school is so hard for kids with ADHD. They really have to hold themselves together for hours.

My 2nd DS recently moved to secondary school and loves it (he was a school refuser for every single primary year). One of his favourite things? They change classrooms every lesson. Its brilliant for him to be able to stand up and move every hour without being told off.

If your school is supportive, would they allow him to go and run a lap or 2 of the playground every hour? DS1s friend did that and it helped.

I feel for you though. It is so hard as a parent to get the right balance. I remember when DS1 was a toddler, reading that I should give him warnings and countdowns for when we were leaving the park to avoid tantrums. All that happened is that he'd tantrum at that point instead! Thereby ruining the last few minutes available to play.

We find screens really are a big problem. Even 10 mins creates behaviour issues throughout the day. We went screen free for weekdays and keep mine so busy at weekends he doesn't have time for them.

Audiobooks on Alexa are amazing though. My ADHD 7 year old will sit for hours listening while building things or drawing.

Really sorry to hear it. I don't think his behaviour is only because of ADHD though - if he is feeling scared and confused, it will make it so much harder for him to cope, and his activity levels will also be up too. He's so young, and emotionally younger, as some PP mentioned.

Does he have a safe person he can talk to in school, any male teachers he likes, or family members who can show him screaming if feeling frustrated is not the only option?

No it doesn't, particularly as she's saying she told him it was too late for cartoons. Screens do not cause ADHD.

It's really hard, we have a thing where we never remove any physical activity for a punishment, infact we double down into the physical activity, we can get out of the worst meltdown with a bike ride or dog walk.

We have a pocket money system where completing his routine each morning and evening earns a small sum, not completing means he doesn't get that small sum, can also be removed for aggression or dangerous behaviour. However what we had always thought was ADHD more professionals are telling us looks like autism now. As a small child he was a child who never stopped moving, he's also very clever academically. However now he's 8, whole he still fidgets he has other more apparent autistic traits and the movement seems to have been about sensory input and emotional Al regulation. We could also get 8 hours of bike riding, running or swimming from home and a much more pleasant child at the end of it.

What this has meant is we realise meltdowns are sensory overload not a tantrum to get his own way. So we handle them calmly and don't punish meltdowns, instead we use calming techniques and discuss what happened when calm. It's reduced meltdowna from several hours a day to once a fortnight or so which has been life changing. It's very hard not to bite back when they're doing something like kicking a car seat. It happens here too. But keeping a very calm and even tone and saying 'i know you're frustrated but you're doing something unsafe ,you need to stop' we also found out despite a ridiculously high IQ he has low processing speed so we need to give an instruction clearly, more than once and give time for a response. Your son sounds similar so you may need to dog he same.
.
As I say we have had input from lots of professionals who agree we cannot deal with behaviour while he's melting down, he can't take in information in that moment and it just escalates, everything has to switch to regulation and calming. Not the same as getting what they want. So if I'd taken something away (and I have and regretted and and done the grandiose you're never getting your Lego minifgs back after doing that etc etc that we all do when we've lost the run of ourselves) and I will settle on a more appropriate you aren't getting them back until after tea say. Then I follow through but I still remain present with calming techniques etc because he cannot help the meltdown, it's happens in spite of them and is overwhelm not trying to achieve a goal.

It's incredibly hard to deal with especially when someone whose never seen it tries to suggest you just need to be stricter because they mean punisha Nd shout and whatnot and it just doesn't work like that with enurodivergent kids and meltdowns as I say because of my son's medical history we're fortunate to have input and support and their consensus is he's only managing in mainstream and to thrive there because of the supportive parenting and his school also being unusual in follow a very neuro affirming approach.

He is usually fine with screens. He knows he gets his hour after school. Either PlayStation or cartoons. He has a timer and it goes off when he hears it. If I were letting him play inappropriate games or watch violence etc it might be a problem but it's just scooter and skateboard games and cartoons like scooby doo and pokemon. I would also go completely insane as a single parent if I didnt have that hour of time to cook tea and clean in the evening where I know he won't move! Selfish as that may be.

Medication … don’t just accept this waiting list, email CAMHS, get in touch with the mental health trust, you need to keep pushing. I mailed CAMHS every week “when is my appointment”, and we got a very very short notice cancellation.. I think because they remembered the name.

Age .. I think maturity improves things, the key is to get there with as little damage as possible.

Yep, my son has a Nintendo switch. It really helps him settle in between physical activities. He also spends a lot of time drawing and making wee comics but that switch comes out with us. It has a 1 hour timer alarm that rarely goes off but once it does he swaps activities by himself without being told.

Oh and I have a very involved husband who is a very good parent and does half the cooking and cleaning and I still lose my mind regularly so you're doing great. You're parenting on a harder level than most. I know because I also have a 4 yr old neurotypical daughter and parenting her is a walk in the park, all normal parenting strategies work beautifully, she understands consequences and can regulate her feelings with a little help. Her tantrums are short and focussed on getting something so easy to ride out and not all comsuming

Does he have a trampoline? Deep, cool, paddling pool in summer? He needs things that stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system. You could also try music with a strong bass, a spinny office chair, listening to story he's under a weighted blanket. I used all these with my child while we waited for diagnosis

We’ve gone private. The costs are currently running at £7k and mounting. That’s for diagnosis followed by medication titration.

Theres no such thing as expediting through the NHS (at least in Scotland). We are currently in year 2 on waiting with no end in sight.

We are continuing the NHS route so that eventually we won’t have to pay for medication.

But the NHS is a shit show failing most kids.

in Scotland GPs won’t even discuss it. Referrals have to be made by school.

Private is an expensive option many can’t afford.

Hi there, my son has ADHD and the referral to CAMHS at age 10 took 5 years to come to fruition. He started medication 6 months ago at age 16, so just in time for his GCSE's and this has really helped him focus no end.

To answer your question, does it get better - yes!

I think ages 6-10 were the trickiest as they really struggle to self regulate.

My son would have meltdowns after school too and every small change in activity was a struggle. He couldn't go from one activity to another without a big debate and being really obstinate. Just getting him ready for football training took me 30 minutes of prep and persuasion. Fine once he got there.

The best thing that helped him (and me) was routine, routine, routine. Consistent calm routine so he knew what was happening from the moment he woke up until bedtime. I kept it simple and tried to keep it the same day in day out.

Also swimming - that really exhausted him.

He hated too much talking and discussion - too much 'noise' in his head. So our house is quiet and calm. After school he still needs at least an hour of silence to decompress - no questions or discussions about what went on at school - just a brief: how are you, hug, snacks.

If he could have quiet breaks at school that could help. Sometimes I think my son melted down at school due to the constant 'noise' and the time out actually was what he was craving. If school can give this 'time out' before the pressure builds, the melt downs may be avoided - both at school and at home.

I think there is a misconception that people with ADHD will be fine if they are kept very busy and active all the time - this is untrue. Burnout happens very fast with ADHD so time to switch off completely regularly throughout the day (especially from people) is very beneficial. Social burnout comes on really fast - an hour surrounded by people can be enough.

Hang in there and it does sound like you are doing brilliantly - it's just a very difficult phase.

My son is a lovely, calm, thoughtful and productive boy now and this has been the case throughout his teen years. Like you, I was dreading them but it turns out age 7-9 was the trickiest!

Keep going

My DD is now 15. The meltdowns appeared to stop, but really she has just got better at forcing them inwards instead of lashing out

It feels calmer, but I can see the damage it is doing to her when she contains herself.

We have been waiting for an autism assessment since Summer of Year 6 and we’re now approaching Summer of Year 10. I would go private, but she doesn’t want to be assessed because she doesn’t think she needs to be because there is no way she has autism or adhd (I think she has both). She won’t engage with me about it at all

Honestly do contact them to check progress of the referral. I didn't as I knew waiting lists were long, I just waited and it took 6 years - once we were finally seen I asked why so long and they admitted that my son's case had got 'lost' (during covid I think) and only just been found.

I do wish I'd contacted them once a year at least.