ADHD - do the meltdowns improve, and if so, when?

[disappearingme]

Feel like I'm in the thick of it with my 7 year old. Tonight he kicked the back of my chair in the car when he got angry about something (I told him no to cartoons because it was too late but said he could use his bike rollers for half an hour). When he kicked the chair I told him he had now lost his bike roller time because he can't do that when I am driving. He has now been melting down for 1.5 hours. Screaming, shouting, crying. I have given him his tea which is now all over the table. I have remained exceptionally calm throughout as always. It's exhausting. He is now calmer but still crying, and is now 'drawing his feelings' to calm down. He has told me he hates me and that he wants to live at his dad's because 'he let's him have tv whenever he wants'. Family support worker tells me I am doing everything right and to keep doing what I am doing, but it feels like it never let's up. I am shattered. I love my son but I am starting to get scared about what he is going to be like as he gets older. Has anyone any advice? Can a child like this grow into a kind, non abusive adult? Because I am just so fed up and see no end in sight.

It does get better. I found 7-9 years to be particularly difficult in terms of anger being directed at me.

One thing that helped us (AuDHD with PDA profile) is managing the transition away from screens. So a few minutes of what are you watching/doing, I will watch with you, building a conversation, then setting the timescale, ok lets watch one more of these together then bath. If i am honest DH was better as this than me, I did not always have the patience.

Curious to know what punitory consequences you use?
And how you manage their disappointment and self-loathing when they don’t do well enough for the reward?

Girls with ADHD are a different kettle of fish from boys, it presents entirely differently so I do take issue with you ignoring the sex based differences.

lol, she doesn’t have any self loathing thanks. But clearly you are on a mission, will leave you to it.

an adhd coach suggested a book called 123 Magic when my adhd son was a toddler and it worked fantastically. He’s 10 now and I rarely have to count anymore but even now if I said 1 he would listen and change his behaviour.

We use the language of accountability "your expectation is that you don't hurt your sister. That's how you earn screen time" and no problems with self loathing here either.

I think there is a misconception that people with ADHD will be fine if they are kept very busy and active all the time - this is untrue. Burnout happens very fast with ADHD so time to switch off completely regularly throughout the day (especially from people) is very beneficial. Social burnout comes on really fast - an hour surrounded by people can be enough.

Completely agree with this!! School put in measures for my son that were all movement break type things…which is v needed when he needs a movement break. But what I personally also think he needs is some very quiet down time to do something easy and repetitive. He calms himself down before bed by throwing a ball up and down while lying on his bed, or making loom band bracelets. These were two things he found naturally by himself. I’ve tried to ask his teacher for a break like this for him when he is getting difficult in the classroom (argumentative, emotional) but not sure they have the means

My son is autistic, I agree on the reward charts, they got us nowhere. We were, at that point, asking the impossible of him which just caused more dysregulation and more meltdowns.

We were fortunate to have a LA funded, Action for Children run, group near us that worked on emotional regulation with children with additional needs. DS loved it and it made a huge difference. And melatonin and improved sleep helped as well.

Yes, a child with ADHD can learn to behave. However, there is much variety in severity of ADHD especially between boys and girls. Your daughter isn’t representative of all children with ADHD. Please do not assume so.

Very strange to link those two very different things.

Not hurting one’s sister is something that should be taught regardless of whether or not a child needs screen time (or other self soothing activity that helps them regulate)

As you have linked them, then they are backwards. A special needs child needs to be emotionally regulated in order to avoid a meltdown that may include lashing out at a family member.

Making the tool they need to be emotionally regulated contingent on being emotionally regulated is similar to telling a child they earn a bath by not getting dirty.

How old is your child? Because such parenting tactics inappropriate for ADHD/ASD children are linked to self harming behaviours and depression in the teen and young adult years. That’s not to say it will happen to your daughter but she is at increased risk.

Hi

My experience so cannot speak for others, my son was diagnosed aged 8, after I spent many years believing I was just a very bad mum (I do not claim to be great since dx however)
My son was medicated almost immediately, medikinet, circadin and then he had another medication a few years down the line
My son was both verbally and physically aggressive during meltdowns, and at other times.
He received play therapy, counselling and trauma informed therapy due to some other situations alongside
I can honestly say that the meltdowns stopped when he left secondary school when the daily demand of trying to fit in and be perfect etc finally stopped, however he began refusing medication around 13 which made those later school years challenging to say the least
I am in therapy now due to some of what I experienced and the blame I place on myself, hindsight is a wonderful thing

My advice would be, be the parent who is a nuisance when it comes to getting help and support, those who shout the loudest are the ones that get heard, I wish I had asked for more support and been more honest with the struggles, maybe it would have improved outcomes for both of us

Believe in yourself, do not be ignored or allow yourself to be fobbed off, do not listen to the opinions of those with no experience of how damn hard it can be, and most of all remember you are doing the best for your child, it may not look like others parenting, it may be seen as "giving in" etc

All the best

Honesty none of your business.

I also have many many years of professional and experience and knowledge in neurodiversity and child development.

you’ve read my post and you’ve jumped to all sorts of conclusions based on your own agenda. For example, you’ve assumed that if my DD ‘doesn’t earn her tick’ or whatever that she will suffer for it. You’ve made an assumption there. We don’t actually work that way and it is entirely led by her. We don’t set it up as ‘do this and get X.’ Are you also aware that ADHD children thrive when they feel a sense of purpose and achievement?

I think you need to reevaluate your preconceptions as you’ve jumped on here with lots of righteousness based on very little facts.

And have also thrown around lots of terms such as self harm/self loathing/depression about someone’s child who you know nothing about. It’s shocking to be honest.

Yes I’m aware there are different levels of severity and at no point did I say you can eradicate severe ADHD traits.

Again, you’ve jumped to conclusions.

The OP asked about meltdowns and aggression and I shared what has worked for us. Focusing on her telling us how she wants to help out and noticing things she does well and making it clear we don’t accept aggression, while providing other strategies for managing emotions. As well as liaising closely with the school so that she doesn’t come home burned out. In fact we put a lot of mental and emotional energy into supporting her.

You’ve also jumped to conclusions on the severity of my child’s adhd based on her gender.

My 14 year old is doing much better. First are you working on system regulation? It's hard for kids to regulate themselves when they're very dysregulated. My one is very sensory seeking and heavy work, proprioceptive input helps a lot. A sensory diet to work on regulating his whole system. Then you can start to teach how they can regulate in the moment. You will need to co regulate and then they'll start to learn tools themselves.
But my experience is never escalate in the moment, but later when calm discuss expected behaviour, alternatives and consequences.
Can use the zones of regulation system and learning what's expected behaviour, plus how to catch yourself early.
ADHD parenting podcast is great.
But the bad news is you need to be the rock, hold firm on boundaries, keep calm, co regulate. It's hard so you need to look after yourself too.

You will publicly disclose detailed private medical and behavioural information about your daughter, make her representative of all children with AuDHD such that you refuse to even consider what works for your daughter often isn’t what works for most other children with the same disabilities, and when I ask you if she is a teenager or adult yet, you say none of your business.

In that case, I am just going to presume that you have not yet faced the challenges of your DD’s teenager and young adult years so have not seen the long term successes or failures of your particular approach to your daughter.

The point is parenting a neurodiverse child that experiences meltdowns is highly individual and there are stark sex based differences on what parenting techniques work between boys and girls with neurodiversity.

No one is doing any child a disservice here. However, how you are parenting your still quite young daughter isn’t the solution to all other children, especially boys, with the same disabilities as they not only present differently but have high variability in severity and techniques compared to girls.

Your posts do not show any breadth of professional or personal experience. They show a very narrow understanding consistent with the fact that you never speak of ADHD or ASD in terms of most likely, or acknowledge the sex based differences which are widely known, but always in an anecdote centred on your daughter with comments implying anything suggested other than what you have discovered works with your daughter cannot possibly be workable advice for any other child.

I didn’t make any comment on the severity of your daughters’ ADHD. All I said was to your weird conclusion that I think a child with ADHD cannot learn to behave (not even close to what I said) was:

‘Yes, a child with ADHD can learn to behave. However, there is much variety in severity of ADHD especially between boys and girls. Your daughter isn’t representative of all children with ADHD. Please do not assume so.´

Listen to the audio book ‘how not to murder your ADHD kid/child’ it was great for when I was struggling with my son. He is 14 now, medicated (best decision we ever made) and is getting all 7-9 grades in assessments. He still struggles and hormones of course don’t help but we really had to change our parenting style. Also screen time as much as it isn’t great for children, for adhd kids we were told by my sons psychiatrist that it actually helps them unwind (just not excessive)

Hi op. Mum to 3 adhders. Iv found joining local adhd charity helped me with support.

Most useful course I went on (I went in many as I was desperate) was 'the incredible years parenting progamme '. If you Google theres a book and online versions. Local sure start and social services ran mine.

Someone mentioned 1,2,3 magic. Its very good I brought dvd as found that easier to understand.

As you'd doing exercise. If you have a local race bmx track I full recommended. My kids are there nearly every night and trg every weekend. Excellent sport for ND kids, teens, adults.
www.britishcycling.org.uk/getintobmx

It works though. Links in behaviour don't need to be logically related for the link to become entrenched. Pavlov rang a bell and his dogs learned it was associated with food.
Improved behaviour gets a reward. The behaviour that needs improving has to be the targeted one, and the reward needs to be one he's interested in.
"Being a nice brother" isn't a good enough reward and it isn't immediate enough.