How much do your friends help you?

[tuckmonster]

How much do friends help out?
Im going through some stuff - mum dying and husband needing a stent in his heart. I guess normal things for people of a certain age to go through. I have just been suprised by how little my friends have cared. They sent texts saying hope everything is okay and let me know if I can help but I feel like I need someone to turn up with some soup or something! Is that ridiculous?

Ah OP I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. Tbh I wouldn't turn up to a friend's with food in these circumstances, sorry. Maybe treat yourself to some easy meals so you don't have to worry about cooking for a bit?

Not ridiculous. But sadly people aren’t a village anymore

I remember when I was bereaved so many just went to ground apart from a perfunctory text.

So sorry for your loss OP. Sending you a virtual lasagna and a massive virtual bottle of wine.

I haven't seen mine for dust in similar circumstances, sad to say.

If they have said let's us know, then let tyem know OP
Its fine to say struggling with it all can you pop in x

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP

But "let me know if I can help" is what they said.

If you need help, you need to let them know.

So they offered to help and you didn't say that yes, they should help?
YABU. They are not mind readers.

why not say you’d love to see them, come round and share a takeaway/bottle of wine, let’s grab a coffee or go for a long walk around a local beauty spot?

People don’t want to overstep, and I notice especially since covid that they will want to take your lead.

What are the friendships like usually? I am really lucky to have an incredible group of friends who are honestly more like family. We are really close, see each other most weeks, all take care of each others kids and spend lots of time all families together, happily cook & clean at each others houses never expect to be waited on, we have supported each other through everything from loss, pregnancy, postpartum, illness. If my friends just sent me a text in your situation then I’d be really shocked because that really isn’t the kind of friendship we have.

But if you’re usually the see each other once a month or once every couple months for a coffee & most communication is done over text then I think their text is about appropriate.

“Let me know if I can help” is such a cop out though, it puts all the onus on the person suffering.

Far better to say “I’m doing an online shop, what do you want?”, bring round a Lasgane without being asked or come round to complete a specific task such as laundry or cleaning the bathroom.

Exactly this. They have offered to help and you can reach out to them. Your friends might not want to impose at such a difficult time. Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do or what to say for the best.

Sorry you’re going through it. You do need to speak up - they have asked so just be honest and say ‘you know what ladies, honestly I’d love to see you, please feel free to drop by, just seeing you and catching up over a cuppa/wine/biscuits would be a welcome distraction’ or whatever!

I would not just turn up at someones house for fear of disturbing them - and honestly, I hate it when people do it to me so if this is what you want, tell them.

I’ve been in a similar position op and no friends didn’t help other than a text and a card when my mum died.
I don’t think you can really rely on friends as they will always understandably put their own families first. I think most people have so much on their plates they can’t take anything else on.

No, this could be seen as annoying and a bit intrusive.

The onus really is on the person suffering to take people up on the offers they make.

Personally I'd be a bit freaked out if a friend came over and started doing my laundry.

I think you need to specifically tell people what you need. If a friend asked me to make them some meals I would in a heartbeat but I wouldn't just turn up at their door with them.

So would i. I'd rather a friend come round bring a bottle of wine order a takeaway and just talk rather then them just start touching my underwear

People make the 'right noises' but actually do very little.

Im a single parent and needed surgery and literally had to just get through it.

I was disappointed as I had helped friends and family many times over the years.

I wouldn’t assume a friend needs help in the way you describe. When my parents died, my friend sent flowers, plants, cards - no-one brought food. It’s been the same in reverse as we gradually all lose parents. I’m sure they would’ve done if I’d asked but I didn’t need or want it.

Did you ask for help?

Have you taken soup to anyone's house?

I’m a real hands on friend, would drop everything for them as tbh most are more like family, however in those circumstances I probably wouldn’t just turn up at their house with soup - sorry op.

Absolutely if I asked if there was anything I could do to help, and they said they were struggling to find time to cook/eat, then I’d offer to help out

@tuckmonsterthing is people are busy. I myself will always make time for something specific and try to think of how I can be useful. It wouldn’t occur to me to turn up with soup given your situation. You need to let your friends know what you need. If they still don’t show up for you, well they have shown their true colours!

That’s so awful, I nursed my mom and I know how hard and lonely that is and the added pressure of your husbands health means you get no reprieve. The thing is people don’t know what to do. Especially when sometimes you can’t do right for doing wrong. On this forum alone you’ll see people complaining about someone being to helpful and it feels intrusive. If you need help reach out to the ones that have said ask. Even if that’s to meet up for a cuppa or invite them round.

Sorry you're going through this OP. I think it's tricky. My DH and his friends are much more hands on with practical help and regular checking in. That seems nice, but I prefer more independence, and I and my friends do not share that dynamic.

I am sorry about everything you are going through! I was bereaved last year and I really needed space and to be alone. I would have hated for people to turn up with food or start to clean my home. I loved that people reached out via text, but much more than that would have felt more like burden than help. People are different and grieve differently, you need to unfortunately tell people how you want them to act.