How much do your friends help you?

[tuckmonster]

How much do friends help out?
Im going through some stuff - mum dying and husband needing a stent in his heart. I guess normal things for people of a certain age to go through. I have just been suprised by how little my friends have cared. They sent texts saying hope everything is okay and let me know if I can help but I feel like I need someone to turn up with some soup or something! Is that ridiculous?

No, it’s not ridiculous but people aren’t necessarily going to just know what you want them to do. Different people will want different things after all.

The way I see it the main question is if you text back and asked them to do X and Y would they actually do it? Or would they fall on the floor in shock that you called their bluff?

So I know your husband is a/w a stent, so is he off sick? Is he not able to do anything for himself?

Is your mum in hospital, hospice?

Do you have any other support?

Siblings? Children?

When my life partner of over 4 decades died suddenly, my so called “friends” vanished 🤷‍♀️ just one lovely one and her husband were and her for me. It was a very difficult time for me, as his family banned me from his funeral, even though they were very minimal contact with him 😥

Yes I drop off food. Like my friend got divorced so I took her a lasagne and another friend had a hip operation and I made stuff for her freezer. Reading peoples reactions though I see that people might not want food bringing! I can now imagine them rolling thier eyes as they scrape it in the bin 😁

I'm sorry your partner died. His/ her family sound like terrible people.

I did as i couldn't do the school runs. I couldn't drive for 2 weeks. One mum dropped dd off a couple of times, I just had to get cabs.

I am sure they didn't xx

Did you let hem know how they could help?

I wouldn't drop food off as it could be something extra to deal with. I think you should say if you'd like them to cook for you.

Sorry to read what you're going through, that's a lot

When I was in hospital quite a few of my friends turned up. Bringing books, snacks filling me in on the latest etc. Tgen when released I had offers of lifts and treated to lunch out etc

Do similar for my friends if they need it.

My friends help a lot. Helped us move house, have the kids, have waited in hospital with me when I was sick while DH got there. I reciprocate obviously. We live close together and atm we are looking for a new house with an extra room. There’s some houses I’ve liked but they’re just too far away. I like being able to walk to my friends and families houses and I like them being able to walk to me.

Both my parents are still alive but when my friends have been bereaved in the past I always drop off food and offer to take their kids out for bit.

@tuckmonster I’m sorry to hear about your mum and husband, that’s a tough combination.

Unfortunately though, everyone seems to have their own shit that they’re dealing with these days which leaves no room or energy to help others with theirs. Try not to take it personally.

Not loads because I don’t like help but my best mate always offers. I know she’d do anything in her power to help me. Most of my other friends would do anything to help my husband but I don’t think they’d do the same to me considering none of them turned up to my birthday party.

Your friends and you sound lovely!

Your friends would help your husband but not you, and none showed up to your birthday party?

They’re not your friends.

I don't think I've ever had any help from a friend, despite going through divorce, ill health and bereavement. I wouldn't expect anything other than a 'let me know if you need anything'

I've had friends who have listened sympathetically, as I would do with them but turning up with soup sounds a bit mad.

I'm always astounded at watching American shows like Friends or Big Bang Theory (or even NCIS) where anytime someone has a baby or their mother is dying then everyone else turns up at the hospital to BE THERE for them. I assumed that was fantasy realm stuff.

I don't think it's very English, certainly. We tend to keep our distance and, like pp have said, I prefer to be left alone when I'm struggling.

You say they ask if they can help……so ask for what you need. Ask if you can meet for a coffee/ drink/ walk so you can get some stuff off your chest. I wouldn’t want food but I always feel better after a talk. I hope everything works out.

I’ve been disappointed in friends before when going through rough times, but I’ve since learned a lot of people have their own problems in life going on and it can be all consuming.

Now if I need anything I will ask. I’ll tell someone I’m struggling and can they do x y z. Can they meet for coffee? Can they help with something? I usually find they show up for me.

I think a lot of people don’t like to feel over stepping or intrusive, but would be there in a heartbeat if you asked.

YAB a bit U if you haven't actually let them know what you need in response to a 'let me know if you need anything' message I think.

I have done some things for friends who I know very well as I knew what they would need (but still checked first!)

Batch cooked for a friend whose Dad was on end of life

Did an easy cookable shop for a friend whose family was coming over from overseas due to bereavement and she didn’t have time to be worrying about catering

Drove round local hotels when a friend’s DH was being dodgy to find his car so she knew where he was

Booked spa days
Left messages just saying I was thinking of them
Gone on last minute breaks as they needed to get away
Bought something they loved but wouldn’t buy for themselves
Driven to and from hospital

And I have some great friends who have done amazingly supportive things for me

Do ask though. Unless they know you inside out they might be worried about doing the wrong thing

Any good friend will not mind you saying ‘actually you would be really helping me if you make me 1 meal, do a small food shop, pick kids up, bring wine’

Sorry you are going through this. 💐

You need to tell people what help you want basically. They are offering help so tell them what you need. Nobody wants to cook food if the freezer might be full etc. I have a friend who is fantastic at telling me what she wants as she goes through cancer treatment, it makes things much easier.

You need to tell people what help you want basically. They are offering help so tell them what you need. Nobody wants to cook food if the freezer might be full etc. I have a friend who is fantastic at telling me what she wants as she goes through cancer treatment, it makes things much easier.

I disagree. I'd actually be fuming if someone showed up at my door unannounced to clean my bathroom while I'm having a rough time!

Last thing I need is to feel judged that I haven't kept up the housework.

However if my friends said "lmk if you need anything" I'd say, yeah let's grab a coffee or I need a lift to XYZ are you around etc.

My actual current work colleagues have been better at keeping in touch and doing practical things to help me ( daughter nearly died last month) than my long term friends. It’s made me rethink some of my relationships tbh!

I always say “let me know if there’s anything I can do” and I do genuinely mean it, it’s not a cop out. I’d be really pleased to help if someone actually wanted me to.

I personally would feel intrusive turning up with food or anything like that without an indication it was welcome… but then me and my friends never drop in on each other, it’s always pre-arranged.

I think you should reply to messages offering help with what you actually would like. E.g. I would love some company if you could pop by / meet me for a coffee. Or I’m really struggling to get to the shops, could you pick me up xyz. Or it would really help if you could spend an afternoon with me sorting through things.

I don’t see that as calling the bluff as someone else said, I see it as welcoming the help that has been offered. If one one my friends responded like that to my vague offers of help I’d feel good that they want my company at a difficult time.