Should I have coached my child for 11+?

[PigeonPairinSomerset]

My child starts secondary in September. She sat the 11+ for a top rated grammar school in the SW and did not gain an eligible score. We were advised by the school at open day not to coach her at all. They insisted their exams are unique and coaching wouldn’t help. They also said that they want children to be able to cope naturally with the workload and not to have had extra help. We found out her standardised score was very close to eligible. We are also now hearing that the vast majority of parents ignore the advice not to coach and some kids have been in tuition for the 11+ for years. I can’t help feeling we have let our child down. The state secondaries where we live are mediocre at best, and we we can’t afford private school. Would you have coached your child? Are you someone that did or didn’t? It’s too late to change the outcome now but I’m interested to hear your opinions!

Nearly everyone coaches, unfortunately. I’m in the South East / London border and my son sat the test for the very competitive one near us. We had an outstanding secondary as a guaranteed place via a feeder school, so we only did one month of tutoring for him, and he didn’t get in. He got 9 x 9’s in his GCSE’s. DD decided not to sit, as didn’t want pressure. She did apply for 6th form, and would have got a place as she got all 9’s but pulled out on results days and stayed at her 6th form which I think has been best result for her. She starts her A levels next week.

I think most kids need some tutoring to understand how to do the exams, as it can be niche. I mean my kids were definitely capable of going, and would have kept up, but clearly my son didn’t have enough tuition. Had we not had such good back up options, i’d have probably started much earlier. A friend paid £200 a month for 2yrs to try and save on private fee and he didn’t get in. Her DD chose to go to same school as mine as she declined private, and did just as well academically (sure those connections from 25k a year school will come in handy though).

Sadly gone are the days of getting in on ability alone, but school are right that if kids are just tutored to pass a test, then they may not cope with the demanding workload.

Thank you! 😊😊

You have every right to feel wounded, but I genuinely think it may have been for the best.
I've worked in both grammar and state schools. What most parents don't see from the outside is how many children struggle unnecessarily in selective schools, and how many end up paying for tuition all the way to GCSE, only to get the same results as children in good state schools, because the exams are the same.
It's not the school that makes the difference. It's the foundation underneath - Good SATs scores, supportive parents.
My older children went to private school until 11, then I put them in state school. That was always the plan. Their strong primary foundation carried them through university and into corporate careers - with no tuition. My nephews and nieces, had tuition and paid for private education. They were always stressed and got the same results, but then went to work for their parents.
Your daughter's score being that close tells you the ability is there. You haven't missed out - she probably hasn't either. Honestly, it's the parents who make all the difference, not the school. And you clearly care enough to be asking the right questions.
That's what will matter at GCSE. Not the school name.

Thank you so much for this supportive answer. What you say makes so much sense and I do know the support and enriching experiences children get outside of school also make so much difference.

I think there’s probably a middle ground between “years of intensive tutoring” and sending them into the exam completely blind.
We’re doing the 11+ at the moment with our twins and honestly the biggest thing for ours has just been familiarity with the style/timing of the questions and learning exam technique. Things like VR/comprehension speed are quite different from normal primary school work.
We haven’t done the 3x-a-week tutoring route some families seem to do. Ours do one tutor session a week, then shorter practice sessions at home using a mix of papers/books and online practice. The online side has actually been surprisingly helpful because it explains mistakes properly and flags weaker topics automatically, which meant we cut down quite a bit on extra tutoring/homework.
I do agree though that over-tutoring can backfire if a child ends up somewhere they then struggle constantly. But equally I think a lot of bright children probably miss out simply because they’ve never seen the question styles before.
Happy to share some of the resources we’ve been using if helpful.