Found where ex is… stop me getting on a plane tomorrow to confront him.

[ProvoPrincess]

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

Look he will NEVER acknowledge any damage. It will always be someone else’s fault. You will probably just make him think you’re mad/ not over him and upset your daughter. Don’t waste your time.

Focus on your own life- he will get his own Karma when he realises that he has a lovely daughter who doesn’t want to know him. That’s enough.

I also agree with those who say that there is no point blaming him for not having a relationship with your DD. He’s clearly an unstable dickhead. A relationship with an unstable dickhead does not benefit any child and it baffles me why some mothers insist on trying to “maintain a relationship” in these circumstances. Let it slow fade FGS. In your situation he’s probably done your DD a favour.

Im not saying this to be snarky but could you benefit from a bit of counselling to move on from his actions yourself? You want to be in a place where his nonsense has no effect at all ideally!

Why not rephrase to yourself it as denying him the satisfaction of knowing that you are still actually bothered about him or his opinions. Indifference, in the long term, must be a greater blow to his ego.
Agree with other PP's that, if he feels coerced into showing some involvement with your child, he might well try to retaliate by being obstructive, just because he can.
You have played the long game with great success for 11 years, and he suffers by comparison.

My love, I totally understand why you want to do this but know that you’ll never get the closure you need from this.

what you can do is write a letter, get it all out and then burn it.

or go to a remote hill or forest and shout it all out.

how he treated you both was appalling, but you’ve thrived, your dd is happy and healthy and that is all because of you. She knows this.

I wish you the peace you deserve