Found where ex is… stop me getting on a plane tomorrow to confront him.

[ProvoPrincess]

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

Rather than confront him maybe consider looking up if the country is a REMO country regards maintenance.

if you know where he is working then that’s a really good potential opportunity for claiming maintenance.

He may have the right to choose to walk away from his marriage, but he should never have walked away from financial responsibility toward his child.

It’s simply not true that there’s no point chasing maintenance.

depending on the country in question it can be well worth it, and many put our CMS to shame with efficiency once things are in motion.

One of my most amusing days working at CMS was a man desperately trying to beg his UK claim to stand because he’d been notified of his liability in the country he was now resident (which they decided he had to pay as he was resident there and send to his ex here) was considerably larger than CMS, and the sanctions threatened for non payment there actually frightened him!

OP I'm furious with a family member daily and the one thing I have learnt is that I can't control them or their actions, only my own.

Hard though it may be you need to accept that he's chosen this - it makes him a bad person and an awful father but that's what he'll have to live with. Even if you storm in and give him a piece of your mind, he will not change. He's had 11 years to do that, you kicking up a storm now will not change a thing and you'll just feel worse.

As others have said, write a letter and burn it. Talk to someone. Plan something nice for you and your child. But don't go over there - it won't end well.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. He walked out over a decade ago.

He's likely to look at you and not even remember who the fuck you are. I can guarantee you that he hasn't given you or your child anywhere near the head space you've given him. He's probably done this to quite a few women.

OP are you married to him?

if you’ve got a location now, can you start divorce proceedings?

Id certainly look into if it’s possible to get maintenance (and backdated at that!) from his current location.

You want to spend time and money chasing a deadbeat, possible cokehead to tell him he's a deadbeat?
What happens when you've wasted all that energy to confront him, and he's not even phased? Or you get yourself into trouble abroad.

What may be useful, is finding out if a child support claim can be enforced where he is, and go for that.

Sadly being confronted by their actions and the consequences almost never induces change in people like this. If he was capable of reflection and change he would have done so by now.

All it will do is that he will twist it and add it to his story that he had to leave as you were unhinged and this is "proof" of that. I get the anger I really do, but confronting him will only hurt you when he doesnt give a shit.

I am calm now and I am not going to go there or confront him but in a few years when DC is at uni I am going to track him down. She hasn’t even mentioned him in at least two years.

It was him. I was sceptical at first, he has a very ordinary English name. My cousin is a decade younger than me so would have been in my ex’s life between ages of 12 to 16ish. He was over with his girlfriend who has been left with some problems with her late father’s stepdaughter following his death. It was in this this context that my cousin met him. My other cousin has actually found him on a professional directory.

I have never claimed anything from him and don’t intend to as I want nothing to do with him and yes I know an hour ago I said I wanted to go and see him.

A continuing trope in our relationship was his hatred of his job but there were absolutely zero red flags until the end of my pregnancy not that he was ever violent or anything, and he left shortly after.

Just after Covid we were actually looking to holiday in that very resort but my husband was asked to be his friend’s best man so we didn’t go. Imagine if we had bumped into him?

Why are you going to track him down when she’s at uni?

what exactly do you want though?

for him to see the error of his ways, move home and start being “dad”?

would you want to start co parenting with him, involving him in decisions, having your child stay weekends and holidays?

in some ways it can be better not to have dad involved. Less hassle. Think about it.

I am divorced and remarried with another child.

I have no intention of getting money from him.

I do however, want him to know the problems he has caused me and our child. I want to know what caused his issues and why we were collateral damage.

I don’t dwell on him or what happened particularly but obviously this bizarre coincidence has brought it all up again.

Don’t waste your time and energy on this man. He has made his choice and he cannot bring any value to your daughter’s life.
You have a lovely daughter, and his family have deservedly missed out on a grand daughter and niece.

Is it a country where child support would be enforced? Because if so I would definitely let the csa know and file a claim. Your daughter deserves the money, it doesn’t mean she has to know the piece of shit it comes from.

What do you hope to gain by doing this? If he were capable of remorse and contrition, he would have expressed it by now. Your pitching up and telling him the challenges his actions have caused you and your child will leave him cold, and you will be even more upset with him than you are now. I would suggest you get some therapy to learn how to let this go. I know its easy to say. But I've worked hard on letting go of my desire to seek any accountability from my ex for his terrible behavior, and it is liberating.

If he didn’t care 11 years ago, he’s definitely not going g to care now. Appreciate that you’ve had the freedom to raise your lovely daughter, remarry, and focus on the good things.
How will you feel if you tracked him down and he doesn’t react as you hope? Put your energies elsewhere, bitterness eats us all up.

I do however, want him to know the problems he has caused me and our child. I want to know what caused his issues and why we were collateral damage.

Honestly Op… do you even think he is going to give a fuck about that? If cared at all about what you and his kids have endured he wouldn’t stay away for years on end.

Be grateful for the drama and nastiness you avoided by not having him around tripping you down while trying to raise your child.

Don't invite the devil into your life.

You would be insane to initiate contact with a man so careless about his child and ignite his interest in her.

it is 100% not in her interest for you to approach her dad now. In any way.

Don't waste your time, money, headspace or energy. You won't make him see he's a dickhead, nobody ever thinks they're the dickhead. They make up all sorts of justifications yo live with themselves and you won't put a dent in the lies he's told himself, whatever you say. It's hard and infuriating, but that's (some) people for you.

If you talk to him in any way shape or form, the absolute best you can hope for is that he carries on his life as he has and ignored you both.

MOre likely if he gets into her life, he will lie and put a wedge between you to make himself a victim (mum did xxx to stop me seeing you) and you'll have a damaged relationship.

Tbh, if i was dc and you stirred this all up for the sake of having your say, I wouldn't see you the same way. I'd also be inclined to give dad the benefit of the doubt that maybe you were as difficult then as he will say you were. He will say you were so awful he had to emigrate and hide from you and you still tracked him down to tell him he's a bastard over a decade later because you're nuts

I agree that now you know where he is you should go to CMS if there is a reciprocal arrangement with that country. If only so he doesnt get away with avoiding his financial obligation.

YABU but only because these people rarely change and it would only cost you money, time and stress to do what you’re suggesting. I think you need to accept it and move on.

This is all about what you want. The chances are, he won't even try and listen to you. Leave it to your child to make the choice when she is older. You need to let this go. Your idea of hunting him down and make him listen to you is really unrealistic!! He doesn't care.

I would do it.

He doesn't care about you or his child. Its really that simple.

@ProvoPrincess

but in a few years when DC is at uni I am going to track him down. She hasn’t even mentioned him in at least two years.

I don’t think it’s your place to do that actually. If she wants to track down her biological father and confront him abandoning her as a baby then that’s up to her.

But I know a few people in that situation who keep their feelings about not knowing their dad very closed off and wouldn’t want anyone meddling, not even their mother.

He left you, you got over it, moved on and have remarried. Just let it be now.

Your child will or will not deal with it in her own way if and when the time comes but you would be very wrong to take the lead in that. Especially once she’s in university and an adult.