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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found where ex is… stop me getting on a plane tomorrow to confront him.

79 replies

ProvoPrincess · 05/05/2026 15:12

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

OP posts:
IonianNerveGrip · 05/05/2026 15:56

Spend money and time on that piece of shit?! No chance.

Good point about not rocking the boat when he has PR as well. There are worse outcomes here than being left to do what you want without his involvement.

Boomer55 · 05/05/2026 15:58

ProvoPrincess · 05/05/2026 15:12

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

Leave it be and get on with your life.

jdb9803 · 05/05/2026 15:58

What would it achieve - do you think he will see the error of his ways and suddenly become a good dad
You need to move on - forget him and his family and focus on a good life for you and your daughter

BillieWiper · 05/05/2026 16:01

He's not going to apologise and somehow make up for his absence in his daughter's life. In fact he doesn't even deserve the opportunity.

He's made it plain he's a loser with no concern for you or his child so turning up 11 years later demanding respect or answers will only end in humiliation for you sadly.

Please forget him and stop trying to track him down.

Coconutter24 · 05/05/2026 16:01

What do you hope to come of it? Do you want him in your DD life? You may fly over there and he takes one look at you and runs away again. Focus on your DD she’s what’s important here not getting a few cross words in with an ex

ForCosyLion · 05/05/2026 16:03

I voted YANBU because I completely, totally understand where you're coming from. Anyone would feel the same. But I agree with others that there's nothing to be gained from going out there. You won't get the resolution you're seeking. By which I mean, he probably won't be sorry. I think you will only get more hurt and cause yourself more upset.

The best revenge is living well.

When he's old, and your DD is grown up, I expect he'll come to regret his decision.

In the meantime, you can rest easy in the knowledge that he's a complete and utter toe-rag. Any man who has unprotected sex and then runs away screaming like a baby because he can't handle the consequences of said sex is no prize.

Be glad that Toe-rag is out of your life.

JackandVictor · 05/05/2026 16:03

ProvoPrincess · 05/05/2026 15:12

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

I voted YABU because years and years ago I was in a similar position except ex got back in touch and like the optimistic idiot I can sometimes baby. I allowed them contact with their child and actually encouraged it. Which was lovely for child for a while but then ex did disappearing act on them too and it really hurt them. A lot. I wish I'd never let them back in to my child's life and I would be worried in your possession. If you confront your ex they will decide they too would like to be in touch with their child and then the same thing happens.

Whatever you decide. I wish you luck with it but it sounds like you're doing an excellent job without your horrible exes input.

StephensLass1977 · 05/05/2026 16:05

If he'd anything like one of my exes - and if he went to those lengths to get away from you, then it sounds as if he is - then stay well away as he will only accuse you of harassment.

Also, it's a foreign country and you don't know how well connected he might be. He might have friends in high places and make trouble for you. It happens! It happened to me.

He doesn't want to see you or know you, so don't waste your time, money and emotions. You don't know how he'll react, either. He might have a whole new family, and might react terribly to seeing you.

What is it you'd plan to say should this actually go ahead?

Hellometime · 05/05/2026 16:06

IonianNerveGrip · 05/05/2026 15:56

Spend money and time on that piece of shit?! No chance.

Good point about not rocking the boat when he has PR as well. There are worse outcomes here than being left to do what you want without his involvement.

I know a dad who refused for the dd to go on a girlguides holiday. Cost mum thousands to take to court for an order she could go (dad made out mum was reckless letting her go, judge agreed a fully risk assessed and age appropriate trip was in her best interests) Needless to say girl is now 18 and has nothing to do with him (and has changed her surname).
Currently you and dc can do as you please no interference.

HairMJ · 05/05/2026 16:12

Dont want your time. He doesn't care.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 05/05/2026 16:15

Don’t waste time, money or energy on this. He is not worth it.

I absolutely understand you not being “over this”, seeing as you are the one parenting your child! But there’s simply nothing to gain here.

edit: and as pp pointed out: he could theoretically decide to make life quite difficult for you. So why would you risk it?

pinkdelight · 05/05/2026 16:18

I wouldn't do the dramatic fly out and confrontation as he doesn't give a shit and the only person who'll be upset by it is you, and maybe DS if he ever finds out. But I would go after him for maintenance - and definitely for a divorce if that never got sorted out before. No reason he shouldn't be paying at least.

MrsMoastyToasty · 05/05/2026 16:20

He will always be her father.
He has never been her Daddy.
There's a difference.

Cardamomandlemons · 05/05/2026 16:26

Use the info to send a demand for child support by registered mail (or however it works with that country's agreement with the UK). But don't confront him in any other way.

Sensiblesal · 05/05/2026 16:29

‘if he wanted to he would’

if he wanted to be in the childs life he would have made some kind of effort by now.

I’m not sure why you need to confront him, you know he left because he felt trapped. His ongoing actions tell you everything you need to know about what kind of ‘man’ he is.

like you said YOU have raised a lovely human being, keep on doing that & put your energy there & not back into the past with that very selfish man

Horses7 · 05/05/2026 16:29

No - you could be opening a can of worms!

Beeloux · 05/05/2026 16:32

Exactly the same happened to me! Except I don’t know which country ds dad is in. If I ever found out where I would love to confront the piece of shit (but he’s not worth the plane fare).

Easy for people to mock your idea without them having been in such a situation. He’s your child’s dad, of course you’re going to still think about him.

He’s not a Doctor is he? Just when you say booking an appointment with him. If so, I know a few who have legged it abroad (ex included!)

If you want cms and know where he works, if he lives in a REMO country then I’d avoid the conflict and apply asap him having a chance to leg it again.

Overwhelmedandtired · 05/05/2026 16:42

I feel like it is probably best for you and your daughter to try and move on. You don't know how he will react, and he is obviously a pile of s**t for leaving you both.

However, you also mentioned you got married but not about a divorce. Are you still married to him? As he disappeared, were you able to divorce him? As you know where he is, and seem to know where he works, could use this info to try and divorce him to allow you to fully move on?

ThatCyanCat · 05/05/2026 16:51

In your head he will be totally humbled and shamed by your confrontation. In reality he'll call you a nutjob and say this is why he left you and you've only proven him right.

He's a waste of space, don't waste anything more on him. He doesn't get your gorgeous daughter in his life. His loss. Fuck him.

Sassylovesbooks · 05/05/2026 16:51

I completely understand your anger towards your ex and the hurt/upset that he has caused to you and your daughter. I'm assuming that your daughter doesn't have a relationship with her Dad's family? If not, you can't force them to play an active part in her life.

As for her Dad, it's the same. You can't force him to step up and you'll never get him to admit the hurt he's caused. He has his narrative and he's sticking to it.

No good will come from confronting him. You'll end up feeling even more angry and upset over the situation, than you are now. You have to accept the situation for what it is, no matter how crap that situation may be.

Many years down the line your ex may regret his decision. That regret will be all his and his alone to carry.

andweallsingalong · 05/05/2026 16:52

Just give his details to CMS and hope they can get some money out for him despite being abroad

Theonebutnotonly · 05/05/2026 16:52

Everyone seems to be saying don't because you’re not going to persuade him to behave differently.

But what if you do? What if what you say makes him thoroughly ashamed of himself and he decides he wants to play a part in his DD's life? What if he wants regular contact, her flying out to spend time with Fun Dad in Spain etc. - could you cope with that? And what if he then reverted to type once the novelty wore off and kept cancelling arrangements to meet her? How would she cope?

ForDeftBeaker · 05/05/2026 16:53

ProvoPrincess · 05/05/2026 15:12

I have an 11 year old, heading to secondary school. A thoroughly, thoroughly lovely human being.

This is going to be long.

I had been with her dad for three years and he was the one who initiated talk of marriage and we got married when I accidentally became pregnant but within weeks he said I had trapped him. He was staying out and acting like a teenager and I suspect was taking Coke.

He walked out when baby was five months old, claiming his father had forced him into a profession he hated and how I had trapped him and everyone wanted him to be something he wasn’t.

My family and I tried to get his family to tell us where he was but they denied knowing but his mother later admitted that she had known.

Every time I attempted a relationship with them for my child’s sake she and her daughter would sob and FiL accused me of deliberately upsetting her.

My 26 year old cousin was abroad before Easter and saw him. I dismissed this initially but my aunt has seen a photo now and my mother says it’s him. The circumstances in which my cousin met him also makes sense. My cousin said nothing to ex about the connection.

I want to go over, make an appointment with a different name and confront him. Tell him how his child has suffered in spite of everything J have done.

Do not get on that plane.
Confronting him will not heal your child. It will not make him a father. It will not give you closure. It will only hurt you more and possibly get you in legal trouble.
He already knows he walked out. He already knows he missed 11 years. He does not care. That is why he stayed gone.
The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Go for indifference.
Your child needs you present and calm, not chasing a ghost. Spend the flight money on therapy for yourself and a fun day out for your kid.
Write the confrontation letter. Burn it. Then move on. He is not worth the airport parking fee.

Aliceinmunsnetland · 05/05/2026 16:53

Lilactimes · 05/05/2026 15:51

@ProvoPrincess I second this @jimbort .
the ex is missing out - you've done so well raising a children your own.
keep doing what you're doing x x

Show quote history

If ex really wanted to be in your d's life he would be. He's not missing out in that respect as he's obviously not interested.
Keep your self respect OP and look after your daughter, she needs the steady influence and input from her mum not a parent who is a grown up child 'forced me in doing a job /trapping me with a pregnancy' 🙄.

SunnyRedSnail · 05/05/2026 16:54

@ProvoPrincess YABU.

I really don't understand the obsession for a child to HAVE to know their father when he walked out and clearly has no interest in being a parent.

A child needs a good male role model. If the biological father is interested in that role, then great, but if the biological father is a selfish twat then why would you want that sort of role model in your child's life?!?!

Plus if he is abroad, then no point chasing for child maintenance either.

A friend of mine grew up with just her mum. Her dad walked out before she was born. When she was older and asked questions her mum told her the truth - that he walked out and wasn't interested so had missed out on seeing her grow up which was sad. In her 20s she tracked him down, and after getting to know him discovered he was a twat so didn't bother keeping in contact.