To have confronted DH's cousin for flirting with him?

[Temporaryusernamename]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. We have two children, aged 15 and 13.

Years ago, long before our relationship, when DH and his female 1st cousin were teenagers, they had a brief, secret relationship with each other.

At first, I thought they just slept together, but over the years DH confided in me that he had slept with her once while staying at her house for a week during the summer holidays when they were both 16, but that they also wanted to be together but knew they could never tell anyone.

They lived in different parts of the country and rarely ever saw each other.

My DH has told me he's actually quite angry with his parents for putting them in this position. They were teenagers, who didn't grow up together, rarely saw each other, and yet when the family would meet up once or twice a year, they would always stay over and the kids would be put in the same room, on bunk beds and camp beds, without any thought of the fact that they were developing and going through puberty, just assuming they were innocent kids. He says the curiousity and strong feelings were inevitable and his parents and other adults should have been more responsible.

Anyway, noone at all knows what happened except DH, the cousin, and me.

When they reached young adulthood, the cousin emigrated to a different country and DH and I have only seen her twice in the last 15 years.
However, we are all currently all Holiday together! MIL recently won a large amount of money and took the whole extended family, 17 of us in total, away on a huge Holiday. Cousin is here.

We have been drinking every night and cousin, who is now in her late 30s, and doesn't have a husband or kids of her own, keeps relentlessly saying flirting with DH. Telling him he looks great in shorts, whistling when he takes his top off on the beach, making silly sexual jokes, and hugging him by coming up behind him and resting her head on his shoulder. Noone else seems to notice and DH says not to worry about it as he doesn't feel anything for her and nothing is going to happen and she's just being playful.
But I've noticed she's not like it with any other males here. Just DH.

The final straw for me came last night when she sat on DH's lap while we were all sitting around drinking and put her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek.

DH just laughed and told her to get up then got up himself and went to the bar.

Again, we had all had quite a lot to drink.

A few minutes later, I went off to the toilet and she was coming back towards me. She was quite drunk and came over with her arms out in front of her to give me a hug. I stepped away and looked her right in the face. I said "Stop flirting with my husband. Don't think I don't know your history. If you come anywhere near him again, I will tell everyone about you two." She looked utterly shocked. I walked away. She must have gone straight to bed.
Today, she's been really quiet all day. Everyone's commented on it but they've just assumed she's really hungover.

MIL and I were sitting on the beach and she commented that this trip has been good for her. She's had a hard time lately as a bloke she was going to marry cheated on her with his ex wife and then went back to her. She's really benefitting from being with family to support her as she's so alone out there.

I feel really guilty for saying that to her last night. I just got so jealous seeing her sitting in his lap, looking amazing in her tiny sundress, knowing their history and she was probably his first love, and felt so insecure. The stupid fling they had was so long ago and they were young and I know at least DH deeply regrets it and is embarrassed about it.

I'm worried I've now ruined her holiday. I didn't know she was going through that. I've been chatting to her to be friendly and get to know her but she never mentioned it

Was I unreasonable?

How does this make her vulnerable?

@Walkyrie

I said that as well as non-procreative, the sex should be between consenting adults.

So I wouldn't change the laws on bestiality, because I do not believe that animals can give informed consent to having sex with a human. Two adults, however, can give informed consent.

This is about the ops husband's cousin. I don't agree with the name calling. There's no boundaries between them. Even as adults they see nothing wrong with how they behave. The whole story sounds grim.

Quite. She’s upset and pissed off probably, but not ‘vulnerable’. On the contrary, she sounds a confident woman who has the acumen to live abroad.

Disgusting, what’s wrong with you? This isn’t the year 1400, family ‘relationships’ are not acceptable.

I think your DH is a freak for thinking it’s his parents fault that he shagged his cousin. Even if you don’t spend much time together you know you’re cousins! I have cousins who aren’t even related to me properly and I knew they were family.

You were right with how you handled it but I wouldn’t be looking at my husband the same.

@Temporaryusernamename I said "Stop flirting with my husband. Don't think I don't know your history. If you come anywhere near him again, I will tell everyone about you two." She looked utterly shocked. I walked away. She must have gone straight to bed. Today, she's been really quiet all day.

You went way too far. She was just being happy in everyone's company.

A woman being friendly with a man, hugging him, and kissing him on the cheek does not mean she is romantically interested. The only people who actually think like that are men who have very limited experience with women, and think that every woman who is slightly friendly to them is looking to start a relationship. Over the years, I have had many women hug me, or kiss me on the cheek, or touch me, or feel my leg, or whatever, and I know for a fact that it was all just women having fun and enjoying themselves, and none of it was intended as romantic interest.

The relationship between DH and cousin was a very long time ago - I can tell you for a fact that women I really liked as a teenager are of absolutely no interest to me now. I would be completely shocked and surprised if DH was still romantically interested in her.

To me, it sounds like you are very insecure, and you ruined a happy woman's holiday just because of those insecurities. How often does a man ditch his wife for a random drunken woman on holiday? Very rare and very unlikely, yet, you got completely wound up for no reason.

@RawBloomers

t depends how people are defining vulnerable (bear in mind, that term did not come from me originally.) She went through something hurtful and unpleasant that obviously really upset her, and she was finding it helpful to be around family.

I have no view on whether that makes her vulnerable or not, I was simply clarifying the background to the person who asked.

Oh the cultures where women are subjected to forced marriages and their children are born with genetic disorders and multitudes of health problems?

Yeah that’s great. Let’s celebrate and make excuses for these cultures.

You did nothing wrong. She sat on your husband's lap and kissed his cheek. Her sad backstory does not excuse that. Your husband should have shut it down harder. You set a boundary. Good.
She is quiet today. Let her be. You do not owe an apology. If she brings it up, say "I meant it. It made me uncomfortable." Your husband needs to tell her clearly to stop.
You protected your marriage. Do not feel guilty.

Cousins turned up

Incest by its' very nature is exploitative and one person will always be a victim.

It is not incest to have sex with your cousin don't be so ridiculous - legally you can marry your cousin - but it is not advised or what is considered normal but it is not illegal! Stop with all the stupid cousin shagger comments - it is childish and unhelpful in this context! The Ops DH should have put a stop to her behaviour and the Op is not unreasonable for calling her out but stick to the helpful comments not the unhelpful, stupid ones!

It looks like you can't read. She said that it's fine between consenting adults who aren't having children.

The entire point of incestuous relationships in medieval times was to have children. The fact that it was incestuous meant that the family blood line wouldn't be contaminated by 'lesser beings' from outside the family.

Oh, I see the cousin's got a Mumsnet login.
😆

@Walkyrie

We have a different moral perspective on the matter. To the majority, probably vast majority, of people, non-procreative incest between consenting adults is as unacceptable as coerced, abusive, harmful incest.

My view is that non-procreative incest between consenting adults does not result in offspring with birth defects, and there's no sexual abuse because it's between two consenting parties. So I see it as harmless/victimless.

Oh, and the husband's got a login as well, I see...

There's no such thing as two consenting adults in an incestuous relationship - by its' very nature, incest is power play.

Ffs if we normalise this then it will make vulnerable people (and I mean actually vulnerable not just those who have been cheated on) ripe for family abuse.

I was thinking exactly that.
Poor diddums can't contain himself without the help of his parents and now his wife 😢.

Yuck!

@sunflowersandsunsets

I don't think that's true 100% percent of the time, though I accept that that's probably the case in the majority of cases of incest. I do think it would only be small number that are genuinely non-exploitative/consenting - I just think that small number of people should be left to conduct their relationships free from legal interference.

I reckon it’s more likely that he can’t really shut it down without admitting that there’s either a past or he suspects a romantic interest now, both of which he’s really not keen to do and raise suspicions in the family.

Easier for him to roll with it a bit with everyone else thinking it’s bound to be innocent family banter because nobody would suspect he had shagged his cousin.

On her part though, gross! If she was really ashamed of having sex with her cousin because it was years ago and they were young/didn’t know any better etc (slight raised eyebrow at this anyway even for teenagers) - she would be mortified and be as chaste as anything with him now! The fact she’s still flirting with and pursuing her first cousin as an actual adult is wild!

@Walkyrie

It certainly won't be normalised any time soon, as the vast majority of people are totally against it. I'm very much in the minority with my outlook.

Her behaviour was inappropriate. Her recent trauma has no bearing on that.

I simply don't believe there's any such thing as a non-exploitative, consensual relationship where incest is involved. There is always a party who is older, more dominant and abusive.