To have confronted DH's cousin for flirting with him?

[Temporaryusernamename]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. We have two children, aged 15 and 13.

Years ago, long before our relationship, when DH and his female 1st cousin were teenagers, they had a brief, secret relationship with each other.

At first, I thought they just slept together, but over the years DH confided in me that he had slept with her once while staying at her house for a week during the summer holidays when they were both 16, but that they also wanted to be together but knew they could never tell anyone.

They lived in different parts of the country and rarely ever saw each other.

My DH has told me he's actually quite angry with his parents for putting them in this position. They were teenagers, who didn't grow up together, rarely saw each other, and yet when the family would meet up once or twice a year, they would always stay over and the kids would be put in the same room, on bunk beds and camp beds, without any thought of the fact that they were developing and going through puberty, just assuming they were innocent kids. He says the curiousity and strong feelings were inevitable and his parents and other adults should have been more responsible.

Anyway, noone at all knows what happened except DH, the cousin, and me.

When they reached young adulthood, the cousin emigrated to a different country and DH and I have only seen her twice in the last 15 years.
However, we are all currently all Holiday together! MIL recently won a large amount of money and took the whole extended family, 17 of us in total, away on a huge Holiday. Cousin is here.

We have been drinking every night and cousin, who is now in her late 30s, and doesn't have a husband or kids of her own, keeps relentlessly saying flirting with DH. Telling him he looks great in shorts, whistling when he takes his top off on the beach, making silly sexual jokes, and hugging him by coming up behind him and resting her head on his shoulder. Noone else seems to notice and DH says not to worry about it as he doesn't feel anything for her and nothing is going to happen and she's just being playful.
But I've noticed she's not like it with any other males here. Just DH.

The final straw for me came last night when she sat on DH's lap while we were all sitting around drinking and put her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek.

DH just laughed and told her to get up then got up himself and went to the bar.

Again, we had all had quite a lot to drink.

A few minutes later, I went off to the toilet and she was coming back towards me. She was quite drunk and came over with her arms out in front of her to give me a hug. I stepped away and looked her right in the face. I said "Stop flirting with my husband. Don't think I don't know your history. If you come anywhere near him again, I will tell everyone about you two." She looked utterly shocked. I walked away. She must have gone straight to bed.
Today, she's been really quiet all day. Everyone's commented on it but they've just assumed she's really hungover.

MIL and I were sitting on the beach and she commented that this trip has been good for her. She's had a hard time lately as a bloke she was going to marry cheated on her with his ex wife and then went back to her. She's really benefitting from being with family to support her as she's so alone out there.

I feel really guilty for saying that to her last night. I just got so jealous seeing her sitting in his lap, looking amazing in her tiny sundress, knowing their history and she was probably his first love, and felt so insecure. The stupid fling they had was so long ago and they were young and I know at least DH deeply regrets it and is embarrassed about it.

I'm worried I've now ruined her holiday. I didn't know she was going through that. I've been chatting to her to be friendly and get to know her but she never mentioned it

Was I unreasonable?

You did the right thing, OP. Nipped it in the bud. She was being a cow.

Why was the cousin vulnerable? I can’t find that bit?

It's in the OP. Apparently she was cheated on recently and was finding it helpful to spend time with family.

I think what you said to her was risky in terms of family dynamics. It held the possibility of blowing your MiL's incredibly generous gift to you all to pieces. I understand why you felt riled by her and her behaviour was totally inappropriate, but your DH sounds like he was humouring it for the sake of the holiday, not reveling in it, so I think, really, you should have done the same secure in the knowledge he is in love with you, not her. You aren't 100% secure, so I do get it but talking to your DH would have been a better way to handle that.

Nevertheless, I don't think you've ruined her holiday. You've just reminded her that she isn't a teen still, that your DH isn't her therapy for a nasty ex. and she shouldn't be using him as such. She can still relax in the glow of a fun and loving family without flirting with her married cousin in front of his wife - and it will probably do a lot more for her mental health than her indulging in an old fantasy as though other people don't exist.

Also, although she may well be shocked by being called out and be taking things down a notch, she's probably also hungover and this isn't all a reaction to what you said to her.

I know. Apart from your parents, siblings, and your own children, cousins are as close familially as you can get.

There are some lines you don't cross and the op was right to put a boundary in place. She can't flaunt herself at the ops husband every time she has a break up.

Oh fgs. Do your research. A lot of first cousins have married each other in past 50 years. In some cultures it’s preferred.

I think your DH sounds pathetic. He should have dealt with it. He had plenty of opportunities.

You have acted like a dog that urinates to mark its territory.

Doesn’t excuse her behavior though, she got hurt as a women so she chose behaviour that is brazen and flirtatious. I would not be sorry for being harsh. Thank you clarifying that, I thought she’d been though a big illness the way others are jumping yo her deference. She knew exactly what she was doing and thought the op was oblivious to it!

Good for you OP. I am afraid I wouldn’t feel guilty at all.

Jesus F#cking Christ, d'you want the OP to bring them breakfast in bed and the morning paper?

The OP is mad and threatened because her husband had a secret relationship with his attractive cousin in the past. Does that make it okay for others to call her a slut and a cow?

be kind, but not to anyone your husband had a go on in the past, right?

I was referring to the UK.

@LoyalMember

Yes - being judgemental of the OP is really unkind, especially when she's made it clear that she had no idea the cousin was going through anything and that when she found out it actually made her feel bad! The OP is being pretty fair, I think.

No she’s mad because this head case is trying her best to drape herself all over the husband, who should NOT be tolerating it, because she’s a cow and getting off on what she thought was her ‘dirty little secret’ with him (only.. it turned out to be not so secret, LOL)

And results in disabled children and genetic mutations. Do you have something you want to tell us?

@ohyesido

It's not okay for other people to call the cousin a slut and a cow.

But why on earth would you expect the OP to be kind to someone who was flirting with her husband right in front of her?

Now that OP knows about the cousin's own recent experiences, yes, perhaps she could be understanding, and has even suggested that herself. But she didn't know any of that at the time she told the cousin off. It's not fair to paint her as unreasonable for losing her temper with the cousin.

OP also needs to take her husband to task for failing to shut down this behaviour himself.

Quite. There's a weird amount of support for legal incest on this thread from some people!

@sunflowersandsunsets

Personally, I believe that non-procreative incest between consenting adults should not be illegal. That's a victimless crime.

She thought she could get away with flirting because you would think there couldn’t be anything between them as their cousins.
They aren’t embarrassed or regretful enough about it clearly. She’s now an adult flirting with her own cousin and the only correct response from him would be Ew get off my lap/ don’t touch me like that or whistle at me, I’m married and WE ARE COUSINS!!!
This would put me right off him tbh.
Two of my dad’s cousins (first cousins to each other) ran off together to England (from Ireland) years ago. They had a family and everything. All of their kids had to have multiple surgeries on their jaws which were deformed because they inherited a rare genetic condition from both parents. There are very good reasons why people are repelled by the thought of cousins having sexual relationships.

The disabilities and genetic mutations are hundreds of per cent higher in these cases than from non cousin marriages. You see it in a particular demographic in some parts of the country.

Sex with non human entities (to put it politely) is also ‘non procreative’ but thankfully illegal as it’s abhorrent. Or would you change that too?

Quite. I've said upthread that in her shoes I'd be a lot more concerned with DH's behaviour than the cousin's.

I think you’re a bit unreasonable to have a go at her mainly because it should be your husband making that stand for himself. I just think it all looks a bit icky & embarrassing when a woman goes off on another woman for “flirting” with a husband while said husband has said absolutely nothing to put a stop to it himself, if he didn’t like it he would have put an end to it immediately…and he hasn’t. That is your real issue.

Threatening to expose their secret was a bit stupid though. It wouldn’t just hurt her, it would hurt your husband just the same and you’d now be known as married to the cousin-shagger so a bit of an own goal all round and I’m surprised she didn’t just call your bluff!

Your husband might regret it, but it’s clear his cousin doesn’t.

In fact, if he allowed her to be making sexual jokes and being touchy-feely with him he probably doesn’t regret it either.

Personally, I would never get into a relationship with someone if I knew he’d had an incestuous relationship in his youth, but if you don’t trust him then you need to talk.