To have confronted DH's cousin for flirting with him?

[Temporaryusernamename]

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 12. We have two children, aged 15 and 13.

Years ago, long before our relationship, when DH and his female 1st cousin were teenagers, they had a brief, secret relationship with each other.

At first, I thought they just slept together, but over the years DH confided in me that he had slept with her once while staying at her house for a week during the summer holidays when they were both 16, but that they also wanted to be together but knew they could never tell anyone.

They lived in different parts of the country and rarely ever saw each other.

My DH has told me he's actually quite angry with his parents for putting them in this position. They were teenagers, who didn't grow up together, rarely saw each other, and yet when the family would meet up once or twice a year, they would always stay over and the kids would be put in the same room, on bunk beds and camp beds, without any thought of the fact that they were developing and going through puberty, just assuming they were innocent kids. He says the curiousity and strong feelings were inevitable and his parents and other adults should have been more responsible.

Anyway, noone at all knows what happened except DH, the cousin, and me.

When they reached young adulthood, the cousin emigrated to a different country and DH and I have only seen her twice in the last 15 years.
However, we are all currently all Holiday together! MIL recently won a large amount of money and took the whole extended family, 17 of us in total, away on a huge Holiday. Cousin is here.

We have been drinking every night and cousin, who is now in her late 30s, and doesn't have a husband or kids of her own, keeps relentlessly saying flirting with DH. Telling him he looks great in shorts, whistling when he takes his top off on the beach, making silly sexual jokes, and hugging him by coming up behind him and resting her head on his shoulder. Noone else seems to notice and DH says not to worry about it as he doesn't feel anything for her and nothing is going to happen and she's just being playful.
But I've noticed she's not like it with any other males here. Just DH.

The final straw for me came last night when she sat on DH's lap while we were all sitting around drinking and put her arms around his neck, and kissed his cheek.

DH just laughed and told her to get up then got up himself and went to the bar.

Again, we had all had quite a lot to drink.

A few minutes later, I went off to the toilet and she was coming back towards me. She was quite drunk and came over with her arms out in front of her to give me a hug. I stepped away and looked her right in the face. I said "Stop flirting with my husband. Don't think I don't know your history. If you come anywhere near him again, I will tell everyone about you two." She looked utterly shocked. I walked away. She must have gone straight to bed.
Today, she's been really quiet all day. Everyone's commented on it but they've just assumed she's really hungover.

MIL and I were sitting on the beach and she commented that this trip has been good for her. She's had a hard time lately as a bloke she was going to marry cheated on her with his ex wife and then went back to her. She's really benefitting from being with family to support her as she's so alone out there.

I feel really guilty for saying that to her last night. I just got so jealous seeing her sitting in his lap, looking amazing in her tiny sundress, knowing their history and she was probably his first love, and felt so insecure. The stupid fling they had was so long ago and they were young and I know at least DH deeply regrets it and is embarrassed about it.

I'm worried I've now ruined her holiday. I didn't know she was going through that. I've been chatting to her to be friendly and get to know her but she never mentioned it

Was I unreasonable?

I feel a bit bad for her tbh. Yeah she did a stupid thing but sounds like she’s messed up. She needs support.

'Because if we say that I confronted her for flirting with DH and they don't know the history I am going to look like the fucking weirdo.'

Yep, this is the exact point I made earlier. The real problem has little to do with six-toed babies.

Hope you are ok, OP.

Well it was never going to not be awkward. At least your DH supports you.
This is de-railing but you say your DH blames the parents for putting all the cousins together in one room for their childhood into adolescence to 16yr olds years?? That obviously demonstrates a lack of boundaries on their part but what was /had been going on all the years up to him & his cousin having full blown sex? You don’t get to that without some build up. I just feel like he’s blamed the parents & that kind of shuts it all down. If she’s a chaotic individual now & had poor boundaries then - it does make you wonder how long their contact with each other was sexualised for & like so many others have said - they spent times as kids/young people with their cousins but didn’t get sexual with them. It does make me wonder if she’s been sexualised from an earlier age. And by who? You’ll never know. But I’d find it very unsettling personally. I don’t know if tables were turned & they were your DC we’d be that content with them being in love with eachother. Sorry probs what everyone else was saying earlier in the thread.

I probably worded it badly in my OP and I probably shouldn't have even said it. I suppose I was trying to defend him somehow, knowing what people were going to think and say.

He absolutely blames himself, it's just that when we were talking about it in the context of talking about our own teens, he says it was stupid to leave opposite sex teenagers who barely knew one another to sleep in the same room and that they shouldn't have.

That doesn't mean he doesn't recognise it was their own poor decision.

Well this woman is a total mess. She connects with men on a sexual level and both sexes on a victim level. I'm sorry to say but she seems very damaged and I also would wonder was this what led to them sleeping together - at least from her side.

Your husband seems to have his priorities right.

This woman is not your responsibility. You were pushed to your limits, you snapped briefly and then you tried your best.

She's an adult, it's her job to get therapy and addiction treatment, nobody else's. She made the whole fucking thing about her. I'd be thanking your lucky stars you don't have to see much of her.

I’d be wondering whether she’s a mess because she had an inappropriate relationship with her cousin when she was young and vulnerable personally 🤷‍♀️

Well, she's outstanding in the exhibitionism department, isn't she? She comes across from your descriptions, @Temporaryusernamename, as a highly manipulative, exhaustingly melodramatic pain in the arse. That she's evidently unused to being admonished is clear from Aunt's response in dancing attendance on her whilst she rocks the boat for everyone else. Your confrontation of her the other night, OP, might have been one of the few times anyone has challenged her extraordinary behaviour.

Whatever her reasons, the whole family is now being 'punished'. She has what she wanted: everyone tying themselves in knots to unpick what the matter is, you and DH feeling guilty, and her own mother worrying herself sick whilst she makes a deliberate mystery of the cause of her angst. This is extremely manipulative, childish behaviour.

She is clearly struggling. She's also just as clearly a grown, functioning adult who manages the control of her own business just fine. The rebuke should have come from DH but she was making an utter fool of herself and, at the very least, 'hinting' as to their past. That's deplorable. I do also think it now likely that she will tell her mother. You can't control that, but equally, no matter how vulnerable she is, you don't bear responsibility for her actions. Nobody forced her to fuck her cousin. Nobody forced her to drape herself all over him right in front of his wife. Nobody told her to flouce when pulled up on her bizarre, inappropriate conduct. Those were her own decisions. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

FWIW, it sounds as though this particular branch of your family would be no great loss to your lives. Who has the time or headspace for histrionics like this?

Right so two consenting teens have sex and he's to blame? Why isn't he a fucked up mess then?

It's a shame this whole cluster fuck detonated on a family holiday.
It's not your fault!
Enjoy the rest of your break as much as you can and let her support people support her.
Hopefully she turns a corner and gets healthier.

I suspect she thought this 'we will never tell anyone' pact would hold for life, that they were both locked into a 'we are each others secret true loves' so she was distraught to realise that actually you, his wife, were made aware and she is largely insignificant.

The tantrum and flounce is just more of her manipulative main character bullshit. She's awful and a sad person.

Not your fault. People can be damaged and have mental health issues while also being complete arseholes who know better. Her personal issues are no justification for her behaviour. The world doesn't owe her anything, and you and DH certainly don't owe her a week of... what exactly? Sexual flirtation with your DH? Should your DH give her a sympathy shag too?

It's best she's gone. And I'd give that entire side of the family a wide berth for a while.

She's got issues well above your pay grade to deal with. The best thing for her would be rehab and lots of therapy.

You were correct in setting boundaries around your marriage with her. She sounds like she's got some narcissistic traits exacerbated by substance abuse and like she's been enabled by her family who are afraid to rock the boat. You aren't the problem here at all so don't feel guilty about putting up a boundary with someone getting sexual with your husband in front of your family.

Your husband may talk a good game, but there's some future faking going on there. He didn't set those necessary boundaries and he plays the victim.

I do agree with him. I must have a twisted mind but I wouldn’t even put my 13yo and 12yo neice and nephew share a room because familial childhood abuse happens sometimes. And I’d never want to be the one who made them share a room when they were with me. Obvsiouly this isn’t want happened as they were both consenting but again 16yo are hormonal and not fully mature yet. So I do get where he’s coming from.

I remember my half brother and his step sister had a thing when they were teenagers and people were horrified, as they’d known each other from 4/5. But they didn’t grow up in the same house but people expected them to view each other as siblings. Again, not the same as they weren’t actually related, but yeah I think people are naive to think that these things would never happen and should probably be more cautious with their teens

This could be spot on. She’s obviously going through some stuff and having this dirty little secret might have been quite thrilling for her, knowing she could flirt and thinking she and your DH were the only ones in on it, and to realise you know and could see her crossing boundaries all along must have been quite humiliating. This might be the thing that makes her realise she’s hit rock bottom OP. Either way you’ve done nothing wrong and saved her from embarrassing herself further

I didn't say he was to blame, but different people are impacted by things differently. What one person sees as "just one of those things" could be extremely traumatic for another, especially as they get older and gain more understanding.

She’s been using the fact that they are cousins and that nobody would suspect the worst to conduct herself totally inappropriately with a married man. Remove the cousin bit and you still have a woman whistling at a married man and throwing herself all over him rather territorially. He’s your husband. Where’s her respect and boundaries? She should feel embarrassed. I’d bet that her recent relationship’s unhappy end has led to her being a bit desperate for validation.

I accidentally quoted the wrong reply, this is what I think could be a good guess at her motivations

I mean - shes gone now, so you can enjoy the rest of your holiday. I think it was inappropriate of her yes, but i dont know if you should have threatened her - what happen between them - is between them, not you. He needed to stop her, not you. He didnt. Why?

It'll all eventually come out i guess so your husband and her have to deal with that. When it comes.

Holiday is over, she left on Tuesday morning, we are just taxiing to the runway now!

Leave her to it now. Its not a good idea to end up pleading for her forgiveness. She behaved inappropriately, she was told to pack it in and, quite rightly imo, was embarrassed.

Let her get on with it. You can say you consider the matter closed.

Perhaps she may reflect on her behaviour and whether she needs to address her drinking.

OP, I'm sorry to say this but I think you now have an absolute cat in hell's chance of this not coming out.

The cousin has flounced off, 3 days early, from a family Holiday. One that was gifted to her, no less. Her mother, the auntie, knows that her excuse is bullshit and is going to want to know the real reason her daughter did such a thing. The cousin has a drinking problem which clearly lowers her inhabitations.

It's going to come out. Auntie is going to get it out of cousin one way or another.

What's more, auntie has probably mentioned that the whole thing seems sus some time in the last 2/3 days since cousin flounced, to the MIL, (who is presumably Auntie's sister?) so MIL is probably wondering what happened, and as you say MIL is a gossip, so she's probably mentioned this to someone else.

The whole thing is a ticking time bomb and I would be beside myself with anxiety if I were you.

I don't say this to be smug or clever or anything OP, I am just trying to warn you that you should probably prepare yourself and it might even be a good idea for DH go to MIL now and tell her everything so that it comes from him and not on the grapevine from crazy cuz, through Auntie.

Sorry OP, but I honestly can't see this going any other way unfortunately. :(

Personally I think fair play. We're often asked on here why we just didn't use our words and suchlike..you had an issue and confronted it. You did the right thing. Her current issues don't excuse her inappropriate behaviour.

I meant to add in my last post that I really hope your kids never find about this if it does come out (which it will)

Another reason it might be a good idea to come out with it yourselves, so you can control the narrative a bit better.